Writing About Her

[JJacks0]

I've reached a point where I think I'm looking at our past relationship in a more balanced light than before. I acknowledge my role as well as hers, to the point where I actually blame myself more now. Lately I've felt really compelled to write about it - not on here necessarily, just for myself. I took a break from that while I was finishing up school so as not to be distracted, but now that I've graduated it's been nagging at me again. I just have a couple questions & I'm wondering if anyone can relate or have had experience with this... .

1) I have an odd desire to go back and just sort of catalog everything - just write about her, who she was, the good times, the things we did, the way we were kind of thing. I feel like I'm forgetting and I don't want to. I'm sure this sounds unhealthy and I guess in some ways forgetting would be good in terms of moving on. But she was such a huge part of my life and I don't want to lose these memories. Writing them down and saving them somewhere is appealing because I can allow myself to forget on a daily basis without fear that they will be erased altogether. If some day down the line I want to go back and remember or read, I can. I sort of wonder if a small part of the reason I dwell so much is because I am trying to keep the connection and happy memories alive.

2) I read so much about BPD in the immediate aftermath of our relationship, and a lot of the things that I read (not here necessarily, but all over various websites/books, etc.) were upsetting to me. Very strong biased opinions on both sides. So I also feel compelled to write down an honest account of what happened over the course of our relationship, without blaming either of us entirely. Ultimately we both acted poorly in many circumstances and I don't think that either one of us is the victim or villain. That is something that I would even share with others some day if the opportunity presented itself, because I think it's really important that people with BPD or any other PD/mental illness for that matter aren't just generalized as antagonists.

My dilemma is that I know writing about this is going to sort of pour salt into the wound again. It's hard to really revisit those thoughts in depth without spiraling into a dark mindset again. It took me a long time to feel okay after our breakup and I'm just worried that diving into something like this could send me into a full-blown depression again. In reality I still am quite devastated & feel pretty fragile when it comes to her. I'm still working on detaching and struggling to let go - at this point I'd still take her back in a heartbeat. So while I think there could be a lot of therapeutic aspects to writing about her, I'm slightly apprehensive. Can anyone relate? Do you have any recommendations as to whether or not it's a good idea, or strategies for dealing? Thanks 

[roberto516]

I know writing is very cathartic as it has helped me during the worst times. I don't know if you are in therapy or not but perhaps, if you do decide to write it all out, plan to do so a couple hours before therapy and that way you can process it immediately after? Or I would just vent it all out in a therapy session. It's very true though. When I look at the good times I feel so sad. When i think about my role in it all and where I went wrong then the "what if's" creep up. It can be very emotionally overwhelming. But they are feelings I need to confront. I need to confront the role I played and where I was at fault. Maybe you aren't there yet. If not, that's okay. You don't have to pour salt on the wound just yet. There is no timetable for your recovery.

[roberto516]

One more thing. I have experienced a lot of triggers surrounding this relationship. Definitely some trauma from the emotional stuff. I am starting my first EMDR session on Wednesday. My therapist told me that if I begin to feel triggered (rapid heart beat, sweaty palms, tingling in my limbs, panic, etc.) that I am to use a technique she taught me to make the feeling go away until we can start EMDR sessions. So again, maybe you aren't there yet and it's okay to not confront everything right away. It sounds like you are still grieving, like me, which makes revelations about myself and the relationship much harder to bear.

I wish we could be like our exe's. Feel an emotion and just bury it away. Then I would have been over this relationship a loonnngggg time ago.

[JJacks0]

Thank you roberto, that's a good idea regarding therapy. I haven't seen my T in quite a while because I saw someone at school - now that I've graduated I need to find a new place to go (& have to figure out how to afford it too).

It's definitely going to be painful, but I think it's important that I confront my own issues and my role here, because I know I'm stuck in limbo right now. I'm no longer with my ex but mentally I still act like I am. I am still grieving and I know that could take quite a while. We were together for a long time. But even aside from that, I don't think I can *really* move on at all until I've worked through all of this. I sort of put it on the back burner and just tried to bury it during my final semester of school, but now it's reemerging.

I'm not in a rush to get into a new relationship or anything of course, & I'm still hung up on her - but I'd like to be in a better position if I did meet someone new or even if she came back (though I know she won't - there's that endless hope). At this point in time I just have nothing to offer anyone new as a partner. I'm way too hung up on the past. I've tried to talk with people - not necessarily even date, but just get to know them... .and I really have nothing to give. I've met nice people who could have had potential and all I do is talk about my ex with them. I immediately put up a wall, I'm just so uninterested and detached. So for my future's sake as well I think I need to get this all out and try to start really overcoming it, not just burying it. Like you said, it seems like that is what our exes do. And in a sense it would be nice if we could just "forget" it all too. I have to wonder though how frequently those demons pop back up. I honestly hope for my ex's sake that she's doing well, but I worry about the way she grieves and processes emotions. As most of us have seen, it can be dangerous to keep so much pent up & unaddressed.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JJacks0,

I've been concerned recently about my memory loss (must take anticonvulsants for a chronic pain condition which give me cognitive impairment) and considering writing things down too.  Not sure I'm ready to do the deep dive yet, as I'm experiencing a lot right now.  However I'd be very fed up at myself if I let all of my (good and bad) experience begin to fade.  I've considered trying to sort of bullet point key things that will trigger full recollection when I'm ready to tackle it, or just writing out a series of descriptive words that will take me back... .Could be an idea.  A bit like scratching an itch with a glove on.  Rather than tearing at the skin with our nails.

So for my future's sake as well I think I need to get this all out and try to start really overcoming it, not just burying it.

I hear you there.  My own work on myself is taking a front seat, which is a new and daunting experience, yet one which I know I've put off for far too long and will benefit me enormously in my life.  I feel I must capture this relationship and the learning I've had from it.  I don't want to forget those details of the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.  My therapist will probably be wishing I had 

Your commitment to healing is really evident.  Follow your instincts and do what feels right without overwhelming yourself.  One step forwards every day... .

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JJacks0,

If you go ahead and document the relationship, I'd be really interested to hear how you find the experience emotionally.  I tried to make a start after replying to your post... .Had to stop.

Love and light x

[JJacks0]

Thanks Harley Quinn, your reply was really helpful. I think that the bullet points are a good idea - sort of a way to tiptoe into the situation without having to delve into it entirely just yet. I think I might try to jot down little things like that, but I haven't started yet. I've had such a hard time again lately so I'm just nervous. I dreamt about her last night and woke up so depressed - I had off of work today so I just kept going back to sleep. No motivation after that. I hate waking up from nightmares only to find that real life is actually the same.

Anyway I do still intend on working through this, so I will make sure to keep you posted.

[Panda39]

I have found writing helpful, for me it was a way to get those feelings out of my head and put them somewhere for safekeeping.  There is also something helpful about writing those feelings and stories down and reading them later that can give you enough distance that you can see things there that you didn't before.  I think it's super important to get those feelings out and process them... .don't stuff them. 

The relationship I had to process was my first love (he was not BPD) we met when we were 16 and were together until we were 25. Towards the end we had a year of push/pull that was very damaging to me and the relationship finally ended with him sleeping with someone else.

I adored him, thought I was going to marry him and when things ended I was devastated.  What did I do? I blamed myself for the end of the relationship and I stuffed my feelings.  I would describe it as locking him and the love I had for him in a box that I tucked behind my heart.   Not dealing with the feelings from that relationship led to a series of bad decisions.  I made decisions based on my low self esteem, to prove things, to be the model 26 year old young woman... .

Fast forward 27 years, my marriage to the re-bound guy who it turned out was also an alcoholic was ending.  I was having a breakdown of sorts that turned into a series of breakthroughs.  I was processing that first relationship and my relationship to my husband at the same time!  Everything I had stuffed was surfacing. 

I wrote everything down, read it began to understand somethings, wrote some more, processed some more, wrote some more and cried a lot... .I probably cried everyday for a year. 

Not only did I love that first love, I was hurt, I was disappointed and I was really angry.  I realized his actions were because of him and his choices. His choices weren't because of me or something I had or hadn't done.  I realized that the end of that relationship and my reaction to it led me into some really dumb choices... .I was beginning to understand myself better.

So I wrote more... .


Panda39

[JJacks0]

That's really great to hear, Panda - thanks so much for sharing.

It's scary to think about addressing all those feelings over again, especially since they're so complex. This was my first love too and we were together from the time I was 22-29 (I just turned 30 a couple weeks ago). Not only that, but she was the reason I "came out" - I was extremely closeted until she and I started dating & I introduced her to my friends and family. So there are a lot of different reasons why this r/s was so impactful, and I know writing about it is going to stir up a LOT of emotions. You said you probably cried every day for a year and I worry I might do the same.

It's good to know it's been beneficial for you though - that makes it seem worth it. I've seen the way that bottling things up can harm a person and I don't want this to negatively effect me forever. I am hopeful that someday I will be happy again, and if/when that day comes, I don't want unaddressed issues from my past to ruin it. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

[Panda39]

I know this sounds weird but I learned to appreciate the crying, it meant I was grieving, that I was feeling and again letting the emotions out... .not stuffing.  I also found that every time I had some kind of realization or epiphany I cried.  The crying became kind of a signal to me that I was on to something that I was figuring something out that was going to help me.

It's okay to cry and to be sad and to mourn the end of your relationship.  I wish I had done that when I was 25 and not waited until I was 47, but I had a very critical intellectual mom that taught me that showing my feelings was not good... .so it was "stiff upper lip" for me and I paid for that.  I paid in a lot of ways trying to do the things I thought I needed to in order to get her to love me.

The double whammy of my breakup and my "mommy issues" led me down a difficult path, but a path filled with good lessons that led me to where I am now.  I learn things the hard way   but I learn and now value myself... .my authentic self.  

It's natural to be sad our first love is a very important relationship, you were together a long time and connecting that relationship to your "coming out" makes it all the more emotionally impactful.  Then on top of that you throw in all of the drama of someone who is BPD and you've invested a large amount of energy into the relationship as well.  

Write and process, write and process, write and process... .let time and distance do their work too.  As hard and painful as this is use it to learn.  

My big question always seemed to be "why"... .Why did my boyfriend cheat on me? Why was it not okay for me to be open about my feelings... .my sadness?  Why did I blame myself for the break up?  Why did I marry my rebound man?  Why did I stay in an alcoholic co-dependent marriage waaaaayy to long? Understanding "why" helped me understand me and once I understood me I could make much better choices in terms of my next relationship.  

Figure out what was yours in terms of the relationship be honest with yourself (and don't own what isn't yours... .that's something I like to do    Then ask yourself why... .Why did you react that way? Why didn't you do this instead of that?  Why did you choose this partner? etc... .Then determine if there are better ways to do things in the future, or be more aware of things you do and why, does being more aware change your reactions from what you might have done in the past?

You also might want to work with a Therapist for a little while too.  It can be helpful to have someone to talk to and that might have some insights into your relationship and that can assist you through your grief.

Besides writing you might also want to do some reading.  As I processed things and had realizations about myself I would read too... .I became a bit of a self help junky but it helped... .I read about co-dependency, introversion, articles about relationships all kinds of things in my quest to understand.

Feel the feelings, grieve the loss and seek self understanding... .wow I sound like a new age guru    Well I did grow up in Berkeley in the 70's  

Hang in there you can go through this and you will come out the other side  

Panda39

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JJ, One thing that helped me was examining the reasons why I got into, and stayed in, a r/s with a pwBPD, despite being the object of abuse.  I think it's a worthwhile inquiry because it generally leads to unresolved issues from childhood and/or one's FOO that make one particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s.  This process can lead to new growth and helps one to avoid making the same mistakes again.

LuckyJim

[JJacks0]

More great insight, Panda. Thank you! You too, Lucky Jim. I really want to work on improving myself for the future, so that does include figuring out my own issues and how I got here - all of the "whys". I need to get going with a good therapist as well. I think I mentioned that the one I had been seeing was at my University, so I can no longer go there. On top of that I'm not sure I ever got as much out of it as I would have liked. She was very nice, but probably spread too thin there. I think I need someone who is willing to delve into those issues with me a little deeper.

As Panda suggested, I think I will start reading more too, in addition to writing. Any particular book recommendations? I've done a lot of reading about BPD, but now I think I could benefit from learning more about myself - maybe codependency or healthy relationship related material. There are so many books like that out there, it's hard to know which to choose. If anyone has found any to be especially beneficial I'd love to hear about them.

[Panda39]

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a good one on codependency.

You could start another thread and ask members what they have found helpful or check out the book club board for some titles that resonate with you and your situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

Panda39