A super "blue day"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everyone,

Today I'm finding myself extremely up and down. More down than up unfortunately. NC has only been official for 3 days but it has been such a hard 3 days. Last night I found myself wanting so badly to email her with a simple "I miss you." -- I know this would have been disastrous. I stopped myself and went to sleep instead. I was hoping I would wake up and once again feel firm in my decision to just cut it all off. I guess what makes it hard is knowing she could not care less about the fact that I am NC. Right now I think it actually makes her happy.

Today I just feel lonely. I miss my 'best friend' so bad. I find myself talking out loud to her while alone. It's almost like this crazy "send my words into the universe and maybe they'll reach her" mentality.  Sad part is, I know if I were actually speaking them to her I'd be met with venomous nasty responses. I guess in some twisted way it feels comforting to say them out loud, NOT get a response, and instead pretend theyre being met with love and care.  I feel crazy even just saying that.

I think whats got me feeling this way is the fact that since we have not met up to go to the bank together, we still have the shared checking account that pops up whenever I open my mobile bank app. I have my own accounts that all my funds/finances work off of, however, she still gets her direct deposit into that one.  She was always very anal about money and a couple times throughout our relationship had emptied out the account whenever we would go through one of her rages. After I had explained to her how much it bothered me and how I would never be the type to do something like that, she did actually stop doing it. But she always maintained this crazy mentality that she had to empty it before I did to "protect herself" -- This is something she now claims during her smear campaign is a valid concern... .like id be the jerk to take all the money and leave her penniless. Ridiculous.

Anyway, she got paid yesterday and immediately transferred the money into her own personal debit account. Thats fine, I do not care. Thankfully I dont need any help from her financially. I think what bothers me is that she is back to being in this mentality... or doing it to continue the nonsense claims shes made to people in her life about her "concerns that i'll take it" -- I absolutely hate that she's making me out to look like this. I know I cant control it and its not accurate anyway but that doesnt make it any less hurtful.  What's even worse is in the beginning I did continue to pay half the bills and I would transfer money into the account for that purpose. Instead, she took that money and spent it recklessly going out with my replacements, going out to eat, 2 sometimes 300 dollars in one weekend at multiple bars/liquor stores. $80+ a week on Starbucks and just frivolous things. Everything but bills.  It bothered me for multiple reasons but I dont see the point in getting into those right now.  Aside from all of that... .even though she transferred almost her whole paycheck (left a random 31 dollars of it in the acct), she then made a random payment to a CC from money remaining. Fine. Not sure why she would purposely use that account rather than her own, but fine. Later in the day I happened to notice she transferred a random $50 and change BACK into the joint account, and today made yet another CC payment with that amount.  I just find it odd... .why purposely use THAT account? Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it almost feels like bait. Seeing if I'll have the urge to reach out.

It makes me questions whether or not I'm 100% right about my "I guess what makes it hard is knowing she could not care less about the fact that I am NC." comment -- Or if shes just missing the drama she'd create whenever I would try and talk to her, calm her down, get her to try and see things clearly.  I dont know.

Another huge thing thats bothering me is it seems she's on her 3rd replacement. 3 in only 38 days! And currently it looks like she's maintaining two of them at the same time. It blows my minds. Im fully aware of how she is and how she NEEDS attention. Craves having someone to text and call in a way that is more "companionship" than friends. Without it the loneliness and emptiness creeps up. This is all stuff she admitted at one point or another when she did, the one time, admit she thought she was in fact BPD/NPD. She clings on like a tick and focuses all her attention on someone because she needs the same back. Without it she goes stir crazy. Whenever she would end things, kick me out, etc. I would find out she immediately reactivated every single dating app/website she was ever on.  I doubt it took her any longer than 2-3 hours to do.  One of the last times, when things had gotten significantly intolerable, I was back at the apartment after she had kicked me out for a couple day... .it was day four (I believe) of being back, things were back to the "I love you so much" and "I cant live without you" ... .I went to move her phone from the couch so that I could sit. The screen clicked on... completely unintentional... and there, front and center, was notification after notification from dating apps.  My heart sunk. I know I shouldnt have but upon seeing this I NEEDED to see when the last time she had communicated with someone on them was. Turns out it hadnt been since earlier the day I came back.  That did make me feel a little bit better but I was still extremely upset and bothered by the fact that 1 - she redownloaded them all, although I wasnt surprised and 2 - that she had yet to delete them.

I went to work. Waited for the "Good morning" text. I had every intention of apologizing for going through her phone but also expressing how much that hurt to see. She asked me to call her so I did... .conversation was going smoothly and she seemed fine. Until suddenly, the second after the break in the initial conversation she asks me if I went through her phone ... .I admitted it, of course. But her reaction really threw me for a spin.  She went off on me about how "This is why she cant trust me" and how "She's removed my fingerprint from her phone and it is NEVER going back in" and how "Because of what I had done she no longer wanted to go on our planned date night. She would rather spend the night with someone else" -- SHE is the one who always made it a point we both have access to each others phones. SHE got extremely upset on multiple occasions when she realized her fingerprint was no longer in my phone. SHE was the one that continuously went through my phone... .most often while I was sleeping. This had been the very first time I EVER went through her phone and even then the only thing I went through were those apps. In the end... .she still insisted she have open access to MY phone but made it very clear I was NOT to have access to hers.  It was all so mind blowing.

Days later... .she still had not deleted the apps because she "hadnt gotten to it yet" -- as a matter of fact, it felt like now that the cat was out of the bag and she knew I knew, she made it a point to bring up the stupid apps. Mention messages shed received from people on there and how "everyone just sucked" or "I got this ridiculous message, listen to this"  -- It was insane. Crazy thing is... .I happen to know that one of my replacements is actually someone she had been speaking to. Someone who I did see when I saw the apps.  This of course shouldnt be a surprise to me but somehow it still is.

I dont know... .REALLY rough day today. My mind is extremely foggy.

-D

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Everyone,

Today I'm finding myself extremely up and down. More down than up unfortunately. NC has only been official for 3 days but it has been such a hard 3 days. Last night I found myself wanting so badly to email her with a simple "I miss you." -- I know this would have been disastrous. I stopped myself and went to sleep instead. I was hoping I would wake up and once again feel firm in my decision to just cut it all off. I guess what makes it hard is knowing she could not care less about the fact that I am NC. Right now I think it actually makes her happy.

Today I just feel lonely. I miss my 'best friend' so bad. I find myself talking out loud to her while alone. It's almost like this crazy "send my words into the universe and maybe they'll reach her" mentality.  Sad part is, I know if I were actually speaking them to her I'd be met with venomous nasty responses. I guess in some twisted way it feels comforting to say them out loud, NOT get a response, and instead pretend theyre being met with love and care.  I feel crazy even just saying that.

I think whats got me feeling this way is the fact that since we have not met up to go to the bank together, we still have the shared checking account that pops up whenever I open my mobile bank app. I have my own accounts that all my funds/finances work off of, however, she still gets her direct deposit into that one.  She was always very anal about money and a couple times throughout our relationship had emptied out the account whenever we would go through one of her rages. After I had explained to her how much it bothered me and how I would never be the type to do something like that, she did actually stop doing it. But she always maintained this crazy mentality that she had to empty it before I did to "protect herself" -- This is something she now claims during her smear campaign is a valid concern... .like id be the jerk to take all the money and leave her penniless. Ridiculous.

Anyway, she got paid yesterday and immediately transferred the money into her own personal debit account. Thats fine, I do not care. Thankfully I dont need any help from her financially. I think what bothers me is that she is back to being in this mentality... or doing it to continue the nonsense claims shes made to people in her life about her "concerns that i'll take it" -- I absolutely hate that she's making me out to look like this. I know I cant control it and its not accurate anyway but that doesnt make it any less hurtful.  What's even worse is in the beginning I did continue to pay half the bills and I would transfer money into the account for that purpose. Instead, she took that money and spent it recklessly going out with my replacements, going out to eat, 2 sometimes 300 dollars in one weekend at multiple bars/liquor stores. $80+ a week on Starbucks and just frivolous things. Everything but bills.  It bothered me for multiple reasons but I dont see the point in getting into those right now.  Aside from all of that... .even though she transferred almost her whole paycheck (left a random 31 dollars of it in the acct), she then made a random payment to a CC from money remaining. Fine. Not sure why she would purposely use that account rather than her own, but fine. Later in the day I happened to notice she transferred a random $50 and change BACK into the joint account, and today made yet another CC payment with that amount.  I just find it odd... .why purposely use THAT account? Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it almost feels like bait. Seeing if I'll have the urge to reach out.

It makes me questions whether or not I'm 100% right about my "I guess what makes it hard is knowing she could not care less about the fact that I am NC." comment -- Or if shes just missing the drama she'd create whenever I would try and talk to her, calm her down, get her to try and see things clearly.  I dont know.

Another huge thing thats bothering me is it seems she's on her 3rd replacement. 3 in only 38 days! And currently it looks like she's maintaining two of them at the same time. It blows my minds. Im fully aware of how she is and how she NEEDS attention. Craves having someone to text and call in a way that is more "companionship" than friends. Without it the loneliness and emptiness creeps up. This is all stuff she admitted at one point or another when she did, the one time, admit she thought she was in fact BPD/NPD. She clings on like a tick and focuses all her attention on someone because she needs the same back. Without it she goes stir crazy. Whenever she would end things, kick me out, etc. I would find out she immediately reactivated every single dating app/website she was ever on.  I doubt it took her any longer than 2-3 hours to do.  One of the last times, when things had gotten significantly intolerable, I was back at the apartment after she had kicked me out for a couple day... .it was day four (I believe) of being back, things were back to the "I love you so much" and "I cant live without you" ... .I went to move her phone from the couch so that I could sit. The screen clicked on... completely unintentional... and there, front and center, was notification after notification from dating apps.  My heart sunk. I know I shouldnt have but upon seeing this I NEEDED to see when the last time she had communicated with someone on them was. Turns out it hadnt been since earlier the day I came back.  That did make me feel a little bit better but I was still extremely upset and bothered by the fact that 1 - she redownloaded them all, although I wasnt surprised and 2 - that she had yet to delete them.

I went to work. Waited for the "Good morning" text. I had every intention of apologizing for going through her phone but also expressing how much that hurt to see. She asked me to call her so I did... .conversation was going smoothly and she seemed fine. Until suddenly, the second after the break in the initial conversation she asks me if I went through her phone ... .I admitted it, of course. But her reaction really threw me for a spin.  She went off on me about how "This is why she cant trust me" and how "She's removed my fingerprint from her phone and it is NEVER going back in" and how "Because of what I had done she no longer wanted to go on our planned date night. She would rather spend the night with someone else" -- SHE is the one who always made it a point we both have access to each others phones. SHE got extremely upset on multiple occasions when she realized her fingerprint was no longer in my phone. SHE was the one that continuously went through my phone... .most often while I was sleeping. This had been the very first time I EVER went through her phone and even then the only thing I went through were those apps. In the end... .she still insisted she have open access to MY phone but made it very clear I was NOT to have access to hers.  It was all so mind blowing.

Days later... .she still had not deleted the apps because she "hadnt gotten to it yet" -- as a matter of fact, it felt like now that the cat was out of the bag and she knew I knew, she made it a point to bring up the stupid apps. Mention messages shed received from people on there and how "everyone just sucked" or "I got this ridiculous message, listen to this"  -- It was insane. Crazy thing is... .I happen to know that one of my replacements is actually someone she had been speaking to. Someone who I did see when I saw the apps.  This of course shouldnt be a surprise to me but somehow it still is.

I dont know... .REALLY rough day today. My mind is extremely foggy.

-D

[roberto516]

I've been there before. I'll be there again. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. This is something that we have all experienced. I wish I could offer more but you are not alone. It's okay to have the blue days. Just know that each blue day that you stay NC, if that's what you want, you will be getting stronger. Hang in there.

[Emotions]

Sounds familiar for me... .that was me a month ago. It's better now, and hopefully twice as good in another month... .good luck and trust your instincts... .

[IsThisThingOn]

Sounds familiar for me... .that was me a month ago. It's better now, and hopefully twice as good in another month... .good luck and trust your instincts... .

Thank you. I'm hoping the day will pass and tomorrow will be brighter. The boards on here always seem to help in a huge way.

I've been there before. I'll be there again. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. This is something that we have all experienced. I wish I could offer more but you are not alone. It's okay to have the blue days. Just know that each blue day that you stay NC, if that's what you want, you will be getting stronger. Hang in there.

I really appreciate it. Hearing "you are not alone" feels really good especially now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Everyone,

Today I'm finding myself extremely up and down. More down than up unfortunately. NC has only been official for 3 days but it has been such a hard 3 days. Last night I found myself wanting so badly to email her with a simple "I miss you." -- I know this would have been disastrous. I stopped myself and went to sleep instead. I was hoping I would wake up and once again feel firm in my decision to just cut it all off. I guess what makes it hard is knowing she could not care less about the fact that I am NC. Right now I think it actually makes her happy.

Today I just feel lonely. I miss my 'best friend' so bad. I find myself talking out loud to her while alone. It's almost like this crazy "send my words into the universe and maybe they'll reach her" mentality.  Sad part is, I know if I were actually speaking them to her I'd be met with venomous nasty responses. I guess in some twisted way it feels comforting to say them out loud, NOT get a response, and instead pretend theyre being met with love and care.  I feel crazy even just saying that.

Hi NewLifeNow,

I have been EXACTLY where you are right now.  Believe me, it gets better.  It's early days yet, so feel proud of yourself for getting this far.  I used to set myself the challenge of doubling the NC time, then doubling that, and so on.  I'd tell myself 'right, I've managed 3 days so I can go 6'... .It is very difficult when your emotions are so raw and intense.  This is the hardest part of detaching - the early stages.  It was me speaking to the air, talking to him as if he would get my messages via the Universe too.  It felt good to get those words out of myself and to put them somewhere else other than in my head and heart.  Holding back from sending the 'I miss you' messages was really hard so I can totally relate, as can so many others.  Congratulate yourself every time you do hold back though.  The part of you that is stopping yourself is the part of yourself that knows what it would cause.  This is the part of ourselves - the wise mind - that we must listen to at such times.  Whatever comes in the future, this healing time now is important for you, so that you can be in a better position to accept and manage those events, good or bad.  Stay strong.  You're doing great.

Regarding the account activity, IMO your ex is doing something provocative of a reaction, as it is something that sounds as though has been successful in the past.  Your lack of a reaction will likely mean this activity stops.  Should it not, then the challenge for you is to put the boundary on yourself, to not monitor this.  All this comes in time.  Right now, what are you doing that is positive for your own well being?

Love and light x