What do you do to get through the pain?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here is what helped me to get more healthy.  I separated about 16 months ago and going through divorce now...    I did not realize how skewed I became.  Here is what I have done...

Interested to hear others have done.   


I get through it by: 

1.  I have a therapist I was going to weekly and now go to every other week.
2.  I go to confession once a month (my religion is Catholicism). 
3.  I started exercising (boxing).  I had not exercised in 25 years... .  I was fit but just did not exercise.  I did it for that good feeling afterwards.
4.  I started taking wellibutrin and proxac.  I am now in the process of coming off it.
5.  I started rekindling the relationships with other guys that I let slide over the years.  I really liked talking to my guy friends who knew me prior to marriage.  They could tell I had changed a lot.   It was about after 6 months one of them said, you are starting to seem like your old self. 
6.  I went to a divorce retreat through our Church.  It was a 6 week program but there are other weekend programs - This was very important step for me. 
7.  Talking to other friends who will just let me unload and not judge or try to fix it. 
8.  This board has helped a lot. 
9.  Allow myself to grieve and understand that I will jump through the steps.  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I jumped around in these steps.  The one I had the hardest time realizing I was in was denial.  I never never wanted to divorce.
10.  I joined a sand volleyball team with almost total strangers.  Been fun. 
11.  FORGIVE MYSELF.

[Sluggo]

Here is what helped me to get more healthy.  I separated about 16 months ago and going through divorce now...    I did not realize how skewed I became.  Here is what I have done...

Interested to hear others have done.   


I get through it by: 

1.  I have a therapist I was going to weekly and now go to every other week.
2.  I go to confession once a month (my religion is Catholicism). 
3.  I started exercising (boxing).  I had not exercised in 25 years... .  I was fit but just did not exercise.  I did it for that good feeling afterwards.
4.  I started taking wellibutrin and proxac.  I am now in the process of coming off it.
5.  I started rekindling the relationships with other guys that I let slide over the years.  I really liked talking to my guy friends who knew me prior to marriage.  They could tell I had changed a lot.   It was about after 6 months one of them said, you are starting to seem like your old self. 
6.  I went to a divorce retreat through our Church.  It was a 6 week program but there are other weekend programs - This was very important step for me. 
7.  Talking to other friends who will just let me unload and not judge or try to fix it. 
8.  This board has helped a lot. 
9.  Allow myself to grieve and understand that I will jump through the steps.  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  I jumped around in these steps.  The one I had the hardest time realizing I was in was denial.  I never never wanted to divorce.
10.  I joined a sand volleyball team with almost total strangers.  Been fun. 
11.  FORGIVE MYSELF.

[Yikes44]

1) Exercise has been my godsend. Join a gym. Push yourself out of your head with it. You don't have to be a rock star about it. Start with a 20 minutes on a treadmill. If your BPDex made you feel about your body, you're killing two birds (mental health and self-criticism) with one stone.

2) I won't call it meditation in any sort of studied sense, but if I give myself a few minutes to breath deeply and empty my head in quiet, Ive been sort of amazed about how well that sets up the rest of my evening.

3) Don't even bother looking for outside closure. Close it on your own. Keep a journal or have a quiet or even out loud self-conversation  "After everything? How on God's Earth could you say/do that to me ... ." or whatever.

4) Forgive yourself, you made mistakes too. They'll get blown so completely out of proportion that you'll sometimes forget that you are human too. And seriously? "You really hurt my feelings when you said I was a child" Yeah that probably wasn't my most sensitive moment, but do you remember when you threatened to kill me with a kitchen steak knife a few days ago? no?

5) I find music helps. In happier days we would find songs to play to each other on youtube expressing our affection for each other. I find far more bitter songs now to play to my myself, but it still helps.

[Sluggo]

Journaling... .  Yes very important.  Even going back to the posts I made here 7 years ago.  Just seeing how things have improved has also been good for me. 

[Harley Quinn]

Gratitude has been a big one for me.  Just simple appreciation of what I DO have, as opposed to thinking about what I lost.  Also being glad of the things I can now do without being in the FOG about them.  

Exercise is also my first go to for all situations.  I train HARD.  I do a combination of strength and cardio and can give any bloke a run for their money in the gym    Helps me to feel physically strong and that helps my inner strength to grow.  As you said, Sluggo, having physical insecurities thanks to the ex has meant two birds with one stone.  I'm in way better shape than when we were together and the only downside really is all my clothes are now too big!

Practising mindfulness.  Enough said.  

Focusing on long term goals is a good way to get to grips with 'real life' minus a BPD relationship in my case.  Feel like a blank slate, having every opportunity the world has to offer at my feet.  Both exciting and daunting simultaneously.  My mental and emotional health is a long term goal, so I've applied myself to getting the right help and moving things forward.  Just one of the steps I've taken has come to fruition today.  It's called 'art on prescription'.  A referral into an art and creative well being centre.  Went to look around today and it is really fantastic.  Can't wait to get started.

These are only a few examples, or else it would be a massive reply!  I think there is no end to the ways that we can deal with the pain.  Everyone must find what works for them.  Ultimately, we must feel and accept the pain, yet it doesn't need to take over our every waking minute.  There are tons of things we can do that are positive for us, including giving ourselves a break and allowing ourselves to indulge a little in the things that give us comfort and also soothing, which is vitally important.

Love and light x  

[Harley Quinn]

PS eat cake!

[JQ]

Hey Sluggo,

You've mentioned some awesome things to do to get back to yourself ... .the person your friends knew at one time. THIS IS HUGE~!  Others have echoed the exercise, eating better, etc. ... Except Harley Quinn ... .she said eat cake ... .I AGREE~!  Hell eat it for breakfast ONE morning for breakfast with a cup of coffee because YOU can & NO one will tell you that you can't. Afterwards ... .go run 3 miles & do 4 sets of 10 to burn it off ... ..   

I would add one thing to the list that I didn't see ... .HUMOR~! LAUGH ~!  Go to a comedy club with your buddies & laugh~!  Watch a funny movie ... .Humor is good for the mind, body *& soul~! And frankly ... .coming out of a BPD r/s we certainly have not done enough of it.

It sounds as if you're on a good path on your journey ... . 

J

[Harley Quinn]

JQ has just reminded me of this.  I'm reading a laugh out loud book right now, and it's the first time I've read one since before the relationship.  So picking up things you dropped to make space for the dramas and demands is very empowering and satisfying.  Feeds the soul.

Love and light x

[Lalathegreat]

Good thread Sluggo! I needed to read this today... .