Informing BPD Spouse of suicide of close relative

[quixote888]

I just received news that a close cousin of mine aged about 54 (two years older than me) committed suicide.  She had visited me and my BPD spouse a couple times, and I wouldn't say they were close, but my spouse was a close to her as anyone in my family.

Wondering if anyone has any idea how to inform someone with BPD about something like that.  Sounds like a massive trigger and God forbid, copycat risk.  My BPD spouse has made suicide threats from time to time, most recently to her therapist who called the cops on her and they came and put her in the hospital.  That was two months ago.  She fired the therapist for ratting her out and hasn't been seeing anyone since - otherwise I might call that therapist.

I'm thinking about not informing her at all, but that's going to be impossible to keep as a secret, so the question is _how_ do I tell her.  Very grim.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi quixote888:   

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's passing.  Since you had thoughts of not telling your wife, sounds like you won't be going to a funeral.  Is it possible to tell her about the death, without mentioning suicide as the cause?  I guess a lot would depend on whether your wife is apt to be in contact with others on your side of the family, and if there is a chance someone will tell her the cause of death (or if she may read about it on social media)

Did your cousin have any health issues, other than mental health problems? 

If your wife wouldn't try to contact your cousin on her own accord, and if she isn't likely to interact with other members of your family on her own, you might be able to defer telling her the news.  It might be best to inform your wife at a time when she isn't depressed.

Does your wife take meds for depression? 

[quixote888]

That's a good thought, my cousin did have some physical issues and suffered from pain, but given the terrible things she had gone through, particularly the world's worst divorce (which my wife knows about), it's going to be hard to lie about it.

She's not depressed now, she doesn't take meds (although she's an alcoholic, that's her med). 

I'm having serious coping problems right now, I was very, very close to my cousin (she was like a half-sister, our mothers were identical twins).  It's all bad.  It's very difficult for me to talk to her when I have my own issues.  Unless I'm forced to go to the funeral (50/50), I think I will delay the news.  She has no other contact with my family and my family has been good about not calling my home phone or otherwise reaching out to her.

Thanks, Q

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey again quixote888:   
Have you thought about getting some counseling for yourself?  Perhaps you could bring your wife to a session and discuss your cousin's suicide together, with a therapist. 

It would be a good idea to make a Safety Plan, in regard to your wife and possible future suicide threats. It might help reduce your stress level, if you can feel more confident regarding how you will handle situations with your wife, in regard to suicide ideation.  The link below can inform you about safety plans.

SAFETY FIRST

I don't know if you are in the US or International, but one of the links below could be helpful for you.  You might want to reach out to a suicide prevention hotline.  Part of their service is to help family members of those who struggle with thoughts of suicide.  You could connect with someone on one of the hotlines and discuss how to inform your wife. Talking to someone on the phone about your situation could be beneficial. The first two Resources below are for the US and the third one is for International Resources.

SUICIDE PREVENTION

TEXT CRISIS LINE

INTERNATIONAL SUICIDE RESOURCES

You might want to check out the information at the links below.  The first one is in regard to "Suicide Ideation in Others".  The other two, might not apply to you, but you might want to read them for future reference.  Some people encounter situations where a BPD partner will make threats of suicide as a form of manipulation (emotional abuse).  You certainly want to take threats of suicide seriously, and it can be part of your safety plan to get help from professionals and not let your partner use suicide threats as a form of manipulation. 

SUICIDE IDEATION IN OTHERS

WHEN YOU ARE MANIPULATED BY SUICIDE THREATS

WHEN SOMEONE THREATENS SUICIDE

What do you think about some counseling for yourself?  Sounds like your wife uses alcohol to self-sooth.  Has she ever been successful with using some healthy means to self-sooth?