opposite action

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

I'm climbing out of the rabbit pit after a whirlwind 5 day recycle (unless you count the texts leading up to it-- then it is about a 3 week recycle). I am going to really try to commit to six weeks of opposite action, the approach recommended in DBT when love doesn't "fit the facts." According to opposite action, there are three main things:

1) avoid thinking about person-- distract yourself from thoughts of them
2) avoid the person
3) rehearse the reasons what it is not effective for your goals to love this person

Okay, here goes my day 1. My biggest challenge is going to be #1. I'm going to try for noticing that I am thinking about the person and distracting myself 5 times today.

Anyone else want to join me and chart our progress?

[roberto516]

I'll walk this road with ya. Good tools to use for sure

[JQ]

Hey KC,

I'm happy to hear that you're going through DBT therapy to help with separating yourself from your EXpwBPD ... .I truly commend you 

And it seems as you have someone to join you on your journey & challenge ... .Excellent !

My question to you ... .and this is NOT meant in a mean way ... .but ... .if YOU are in the ":)etaching" board ... .this means you want to put all their flying monkey's in a cage ... .that you want the Crazy Train to leave the station without you on it ... .so IF this is true and you truly want to move forward in your life without the chaos/pain/self doubt of your EXpwBPD ... .why is it that you haven't blocked them from your phone & social media so that they can't text you, call you, reach out to you?  Just curious ... .

J

[Emotions]

Count me in KC... .now when I think of the one that will be in my life "forever" it doesn't have to be my ex... .in my mind it actually is a number of faces and energies, mostly ones I have never met before... .thus my heart is open to a good relationship regardless of who the recipient of my love is... .and it's actually starting to believe that my ex is part of my past not the future... .although she still pops in my mind plenty, I am beginning to defend those thoughts with a she lost a good friend and lover in me... .battling the thoughts of whether or not any else will want me again, I KNOW that I have a lot of love to give my next partner, and I begin the disengagement by realizing that it is more calming to think of who I am, rather than who she was... .thanks KC, I will start to rid my thoughts of her, especially if she doesn't want to be there anymore... .

[Larmoyant]

Count me in too KC. Just one thing - I'm a little confused by (point 1) and (point 3)? How can we do both, i.e. use distraction but then rehearse reasons? Do we allow ourselves a certain amount of time to rehearse the reasons and then distract ourselves the rest of the time?

1) avoid thinking about person-- distract yourself from thoughts of them
2) avoid the person
3) rehearse the reasons what it is not effective for your goals to love this person

.

[Circle]

Hello,
Good post. I had a dream about my X last night.

It was so bizarre. I was at an event for them/their family. I couldn't find the person. And, it was because they had transformed. People kept pointing at them, when I asked where they were. I finally realized it was my X. Ah! They had completely transformed. It was the strangest thing.

Nice to see your post, with it's good ideas. I can understand how you can have #1 & 3 coexisting. Pondering 3 is more of a focus of all the ways they negatively affected you; it's not a dreamy fantasy of who you wish they were. At least, that's my take on it. Of course, kc sunshine is the one who could answer that best.

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang! We have such a great team! I agree that 1 & 3 are in tension a bit-- what I think I'll do is rehearse the reasons a few times a day and distract myself the other times. Yesterday I wallowed a bit in it all, but today I'm ready to start to flex my opposite action muscle .

Shall we each list the reasons why loving our exes isn't effective towards our goals? Here's my list:

1) I have a goal of loving and being loved. Loving my ex isn't effective towards this goal because we are not together anymore and we live in different states.

2) I have a goal or raising my children well. Loving my ex isn't effective towards this goal because loving her would mean traveling a lot and being away from them.

3) I have a goal of finishing my books. Loving my ex isn't effective towards this goal because rumination takes lots of time and energy!

Those are three-- I'll add more!

Today, I'll  distract myself from the thoughts of my ex by looking out the window and noticing something outside.

[Zemmma]

I am afraid to try to distract from thoughts of the ex...

Over the weekend I did this. I somehow managed to put him out of my head for a few days. A friend even called to ask how I was and I didn''t care to even talk about him. 

But then the pendulum swung and it all came flooding back, and the grief felt new again. I wondered then if it is better to not push the memories and pain too far from my mind?

Oh who knows? For as much as we can keep the pain away, I say go for it!

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

I'm not doing to well on opposite action. I think it might be because it is so recent-- my brain might need to wallow in it for a bit and also try to piece together what happened. I'll give myself until next Monday... .two weeks! Does this make sense, or should I not wallow?

[Circle]

KC,
It's an attempt to bring your thoughts back.
It's natural for it not to work.

The only way to avoid thinking about the person, is to allow the thoughts to happen.
Just like with meditation, one doesn't force thoughts away.
It's a paradox, yet it's true.

First you start breathing.
If a thought arrives, allow the thought to be.
One continues to focus on one's breathing.
Notice the thoughts, but return to the breathing.

Your method calls for distraction from thoughts.
What would a satisfying distraction be?
Swimming brings my mind back to the Earth.
Walking helps to clear my head.
A really great album, movie, book, etc, are all good distractions.

And, don't forget the thing you are allowed to think about:
the reasons why it's not effective to love this person.

If you feel the need to process thoughts, perhaps doing them with intention would help. For me, journaling was productive.
It helped me make strides in my thinking.
And, gave me a reference to go back to later.
I'm not sure if that is fitting for your plan though.

However, if your thoughts really need an outlet, it's a good one.

Hang in there!

[kc sunshine]

Thank you dear circle, this is very helpful!

[joeramabeme]

KC

I got one that works for me.  Given that she told me she left because she is unhappy, I each time I think of her I say "I pray for your happiness".  It has really worked and has helped me to let go a little more each time I say it.

[Circle]