help...

[lostandconfused6]

forgive me i think i may have posted this on the wrong board earlier so i am trying again here


I am 30 years old and my boyfriend is 33 we have been together a year and a half I love this man more than  anything in this world. When we first got together it was rainbows and butterflies and about 4 months in I found out i was pregnant we unfortunately lost the baby at 6 weeks, but he changed when we got the initial news. He would flip flop back and forth on a daily basis with moods he would flip out for no apparent reason, tell me i'm the best thing to ever happen to him then a week later i was the reason for all the bad things in his life this has continued in spurts ever since. I have sadly gotten  used to it i chalked it up to him having PTSD from his time in the marines and possibly a little bi polar mixed with the use of anabolic steroids. His family life is unstable at best father tells him hes a dissapointment mother is codependent and constantly giving him self serving advice and doing anything to keep her close to him. I have a bachelors in psych and just recently thought about looking into BPD i talked to my therapist about it ( i go for other reasons) and he gave me 9 things to look for and refereed me to some books. I brought his up to my boyfriend and presented him with my findings and after some thought he has agreed that he has it he is willing to get help but he is scared. I have found the tips for dealing with someone you love that has BPD to be very effective. Now where the present problem lies he was involved with a girl before he met me he had feelings for her for a very short amount of time and after getting to know her decided things would never work with them. They were intimate 1 time and she was married while this was going on (she gave him a sob story about abuse and things of that nature) not saying he was right for his part in it but it happened so we cant change it now. He took on guilt and responsibility for their marriage eventually ending ( he does that with a lot of situations which i think is partially because of his mother) she also made it very known that she blamed him. Fast forward almost 21 months later and she is still his "friend" he lied at different points about the extent of their friendship he said it was to save a fight and not hurt my feelings because he knows his intentions and there are none beyond friends with her. She went out of her way to find out that her grandpa and his grandpa were friends and brought this to his dad (who is less then intelligent) now she pops up at his house "to see his mom and dad" (he currently lives with them until august when his house is ready) and he has the occasional interaction with her. He gets very upset sometimes when i tell him how this makes me feel because he doesnt understand and he thinks i'm trying to control him, but then other times he's open to my thoughts on it. I am at my wits end and I don't know how to approach this, I dont trust this girl and given our new discovery with his BPD I feel having her around adds un needed stress and conflict. He doesnt see her as a stress or conflict because she is just a friend. Am i over reacting? I need advice.

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[Gumiho]

I can imagine the worries that come with him and that friend... It's easier said than done that one shouldn't worry until we know where he really stands in terms of that friend. What I would do to try keeping the upper hand in your situation is trying to butt in, like putting my "mark" on everything possible to guide him to you being his first selection, and not said friend, yet careful not yo overdo it. Although maybe that's what a guy would do...
It sure is a difficult situation, like my gf would quickly interpret it as jealousy if I mentioned anything. Well it sorta is. Though it's perfectly normal for our non-minds to worry, I too would be worried sick.
Maybe it's best to stand your ground and tell him straightforward (in a good moment), I mean without letting your worries shine through too much, we want to appear strong to our pwBPD of course.
Yet again it's hard to say if it wouldn't backfire. In my example, due to my insecurities, I used to mention every guy she met to check things, which in the end apparently wasn't a deal. Thanks to gf's breakup threats and mentioning she would look for another bf with every episode she got, those insecurities even came to exist, in my case. (then later if I cut on the issue she'd just go like "dummy, I'm still with you". Like first, she said I'm kinda cute if I'm jelly, but now it would trigger an episode if I even mentioned any dude... so I guess it's best to be honest, mention it once and let it go.

[lostandconfused6]

I can imagine the worries that come with him and that friend... It's easier said than done that one shouldn't worry until we know where he really stands in terms of that friend. What I would do to try keeping the upper hand in your situation is trying to butt in, like putting my "mark" on everything possible to guide him to you being his first selection, and not said friend, yet careful not yo overdo it. Although maybe that's what a guy would do...
It sure is a difficult situation, like my gf would quickly interpret it as jealousy if I mentioned anything. Well it sorta is. Though it's perfectly normal for our non-minds to worry, I too would be worried sick.
Maybe it's best to stand your ground and tell him straightforward (in a good moment), I mean without letting your worries shine through too much, we want to appear strong to our pwBPD of course.
Yet again it's hard to say if it wouldn't backfire. In my example, due to my insecurities, I used to mention every guy she met to check things, which in the end apparently wasn't a deal. Thanks to gf's breakup threats and mentioning she would look for another bf with every episode she got, those insecurities even came to exist, in my case. (then later if I cut on the issue she'd just go like "dummy, I'm still with you". Like first, she said I'm kinda cute if I'm jelly, but now it would trigger an episode if I even mentioned any dude... so I guess it's best to be honest, mention it once and let it go.

when he's having a bad moment "you make it a competition i don't want anything with her it was what it was and she understands now. i'll do whatever i want with whoever i want" in a good moment i explain why i feel their friendship is inappropriate and why she may see it is a reason to hold on (i know how girls work) and he says he agrees with me that sometimes her calls and texts are a bit excessive then he tells me he "thinks" he has set boundaries but he also doesn't see why i care so much because he knows his intentions with her and their are none. Then it's just kinda over no real resolution in my eyes.

This morning i actually told him that with everything else he has going on and that he is trying to fix and accomplish i see her as an un needed stress and with his inability to handle stress and inability to set boundaries she really isn't the best thing to have around  at this point. He kind of agreed, but he also doesn't see why she is such a stress to me. i'm trying so hard not to push but he's the kind of person that will just "let the problems resolve themselves"

He doesn't have a lot, actually none at all except her and some acquaintances . I feel like he doesn't know what an appropriate friendship is. I am a very popular outgoing girl and i have had friends for over 15 years and friends that i've known less than 2 but 1 thing is constant i never cross "lines" with them whether it's guys or girls they don't just pop by my house or blow my phone up (unless it's an emergency) I guess there are some things society has deemed ok and i tendto follow that. Of course there are exceptions to everything but i feel there is a general rule people follow. I'm rambling now i am just so frustrated

[Gumiho]

(i know how girls work)

This. cracked me up LOL

I agree. you should just let things flow. (Just stealth around to keep a finger on it for your sanity, ofc we don't cross lines)
I too am an outgoing nature (MBTI type ENFP) and sometimes I tend to overreact. I caught gf flirting with our director at a meeting, it didn't mean anything though.
At the same time my pwBPD tries to control me with an iron fist hahah... there's a girl from work I once attended a church meeting with just because I was invited. lago mio was gf jealous. I ended up having to block that girl to get gf down that tree.  scary

[lostandconfused6]

This. cracked me up LOL

I agree. you should just let things flow. (Just stealth around to keep a finger on it for your sanity, ofc we don't cross lines)
I too am an outgoing nature (MBTI type ENFP) and sometimes I tend to overreact. I caught gf flirting with our director at a meeting, it didn't mean anything though.
At the same time my pwBPD tries to control me with an iron fist hahah... there's a girl from work I once attended a church meeting with just because I was invited. lago mio was gf jealous. I ended up having to block that girl to get gf down that tree.  scary

i'm a funny girl sometimes  

I never do anything without my BF and I had gotten tickets to a basketball game from the president of iheart media ( my company does a lot with them) he was in town from LA and wanted me to attend naturally i invited my BF he decided his taxes were more important that night and didn't want to go so i brought my female friend because the last thing i wanted to do was anger the president of a large company. I was sending him pics and texting him all night... .well about 2 hours into it he got very mean with me and eventually started ignoring me... .2 days later he finally admitted he was jealous of me and that he wasn't having fun with me. If i ever did anything like that to him all heck would break loose... .

His whole thing with this girl i believe is more of a control thing... .if he gives me what i want he feels ill turn him into a door mat like everyone in his past has and since this is the only thing i ask for he refuses to do it. i feel like we make progress with it then all of a sudden he goes back into his "ill do what i want youre controlling and stupid and i'm right" phase