Need answer

[Delpher]

Hello,

I am here because I am looking for a few answers in view of my situation with my girlfriend who is borderline.

Here is my story:

After a break with her ex who treated her poorly and with whom she lived, I initially proposed to her to come and stay at my house so that she could stabilize in life. We knew each other a bit for 2 years at that time but I did not know her trouble and I was already in love with her but never said it. Before we came, we spent more than a month talking through SMS and mostly calling (almost all day) and finally, I told her what I felt for her. During this period, it happened to him to have crises compared to don ex who, of a finite ass, became an all powerful god. I always succeeded in making her reason (by having it for me but because I knew she was unhappy with it) and that, despite my feelings, she could stay at home, that I would try nothing At all, I had even planned to do separate room etc because I wanted above all to stabilize in her life and that she was happy.

Finally she arrived, and it is after 2/3 days that she made of herself even the first step towards me even if it happened that once a week, she was repeating her crises towards her ex with whom She was still in touch. In the meantime, a friend whom we have in common told me to be careful because he had been borderline (something I did not know completely) as well and to learn about this disorder to act in the best way possible and, Why not, get her to do therapy but she did not realize it.

The days have passed with crises on his ex from time to time, nocturnal terror, crises of anguish, sometimes violence. At the end of 3/4 months, she finally finished all these crises on the ex, starting to study, then had to abandon her because she had found a job, in short, she was doing activities and everything began to Go much better. His mental state has greatly improved (less nocturnal terror / anxiety crisis and far fewer crises for x or y reasons). Except that she left her job (with my consent) after a month because it did not please her, she was in a very aggressive mood due to stress and since then she was not doing anything.

She has a lack of communication about what she felt, I had to insist sometimes to know what she was thinking. I knew she was not going to be fine but that it was going to pass. In the meantime we welcomed her family for Christmas and was very happy to see how much she was considerate towards me and how much better she was mentally.

A month or so ago, I found work and it was going very well between us generally (a few disputes without gravity, but which couples do not have?), Then two weeks ago, she Start to shut herself up in a bubble, she spent all her time on the computer chatting online to do rp (talk imagining a fantasy character) and talk more privately with those same people in private, So much so that she gave me little attention except a hug from sometime. When I got back she was stuck on it, did not talk to me anymore and if I spoke to her, she would either respond briefly with a look like "I don't care", or she would answer a little aggressively, And no longer slept almost together. I decided to talk to her after a week of what I felt, that I was glad that she made friends (she has no contact in the region) but that she had to Be careful of us all the same, I will not hide that I have sometimes watched his discussions because I worried for her, may lose her, she will say what she feels to strangers without me But never because of lack of self-confidence. She confessed to me that she did not feel much of the time, that she did not like the city and the region (even though she had to go out sort twice with me and never bothered to See more the city or know her), that she would like to return to Paris, to have an apartment of her to have her independence (she always lived with someone and never had a home) Passed too quickly between us and was not able to mourn her ex, that she can not imagine in the future because she sees him a little in me despite that we are totally different, that I "The oppressed" when I was never behind her to give her orders or obligations, what to do that drain her mind.

In short, I told her that I understood what she could feel, that it would not bother me that she tries to have her own apartment and that it would not bother me to move thereafter. In the end, everything was resolved and it was going well again.

Last Monday, I learned that my contract was continuing, so when I returned, I went to tell him that I could pay him a train ticket to return to his family (she comes from another town) time That she would like, so that she could blow a little and get Get back in hand. She revealed that she was thinking about it already but that she did not know if she would come back here since she did not like the place. From there I calmly told her that she could take her time, that I would not contact her for at least 1 month and that I would only want an object that she holds as "guarantee" that she does not disappear into nature . To my great astonishment, she has left me the very object she holds most in the world. So I told myself that it would be fine, she still came to herself to hug me and we watched a movie during the evening, something we had not done for a very long time.

Tuesday, I was at work, but I made a nervous cracking because I did not know what to think of this situation, is it going to end badly? Is everything going to be all right? Why did she do the same thing to me the day before when she did the opposite? The nurse asked me the story and advised me on my way home to tell him everything I felt, what I did and also confessed that I had was to read these discussions a little because I Do not lie to her, be frank towards her and why I did it. She listened to me to the end and again made me a hug, thanking me for being sincere and confessed to me that she was aware of the espionage and that it was the drop of anger, Water too. Again, it was going well, then in the night I went to bed. Because of the heat I could not sleep and I heard (despite myself) talking to these people and some sentences tickled me.

The next day (Wednesday), I felt very bad, in stress, so I frankly told him "what are you hiding? What do you think?". It's been a year since we lived together, so I know her very well, she tried to respond by making me hurt as much as possible, to make me hate it, except that I knew she was playing a game in The only goal she can leave without regret despite having feelings for me. Understanding this, she explained to me the things already said and insisted only on the negative points of her stay. So I gave her all the positives of our relationship (and I can assure you that there are many more), that even if she left I would not contact her for a month or more, that all business Which will remain here will be kept carefully, that I remain at her disposal if she needs help, that my door will always be open for her and that I am sure everything will go well.

So I went out of my way to get her a train ticket the next day (Thursday) after I had been at the doctor because of my morale, not to get rid of her as quickly as possible Feels no worse than it already is. She started to do this business then, without understanding why, she began to get pissed, aggressive. The fact that I take her family's numbers in case she did not like him (when she was totally agreeing before). In the meantime, I called her mother and sister to tell them about the situation (they had not heard from her for a very long time) without her knowing it because Could have left anywhere. In the evening, she came to see me asking me to remove these hard drives from her computer, which I did, and 2 minutes later she smashed her motherboard into the tower with hammer blow ... .'Shocked as the pc is an important part of his life.

Finally, after a sleepless night so she did not miss her train, I woke her up and left on time, at least that's what I thought ... .She sent me a message for Recover ... .a dead rat. Because yes, when I reached home she had 1 rat whom she adored more than anything, really adorable, but died on March 1st. She had a hard time mourning constantly blaming herself that it was her fault. She wanted to keep it to bury it except that at first she wanted to do it here, then to change her mind to bury it on other town, in short, it has remained in the freezer for all that time. As she had missed the bus for the train, I went downstairs to tell her that I would not leave her in the current heat and that if she gets checked with her may be locked up, her mother will never accept That she brings back with her body like that but that she will be able to resume it afterwards once calmed and reasonable. She got angry, strangled me and kicked me, she was in a black anger, impossible to reason with knowing she got into a paranoia I was doing everything to watch her And keep it on a leash. Besides, she had adopted others (9 in total) who are still with me and promised that I will take care of it. I finally gave in and told me that for the train she would take it illegally anyway.

I went to bed, mentally overcome and when I woke up, she sent me a message about noon when she should have already been on her way back even without a ticket to tell me she wanted me to bring her back A charger for her phone and she will spend the night outside to get back a train the next day. With her mother we managed to get her a ticket so she would not be fired during the trip in the middle of nowhere, she refused to come home for the night even if I went to my parents to leave her Alone and the only friend she could not accommodate him. I told her to be very careful because if anything happened to her, I would be in the wrong for not helping anyone in danger and if she was checked with her rat, They would send it directly to the center. She listened to me, saying nothing. Her mother contacted me later to tell me that she was going to someone's house in the evening, a strange thing because she had said the opposite and I suggested that she go to the station the night before closing to see if Actually she was at a friend's house where no and if she stayed outside, I would stay away to watch over her in case of trouble since she worried everyone. Everything was going well, then at 5am a person came to talk to me, he saw the picture of my partner whom he had been talking to and asked what was going on. To avoid any problem (he calls the cops or tell him) I told him very briefly what was going on. He told me that he lived nearby and that she had asked for water (because she had gone without anything to eat or drink) and that I could follow them from a distance, except that at some point in time I see that they are turning around, I hear him call someone to ask if what I was doing was unhealthy (what this person, without having all the elements of the situation, confirmed to him that yes).

I told myself that it was useless to hide, I was to see her (with the nice gentleman psychologist who put the ___ saying it was to help us ... .) and I explained everything to him, That her mother had asked me to look after her, that she was worrying everyone with her behavior, that I too would risk problems if something happened to her. Impossible to make her reason, she told me angry that I scared her, that everything was over between us and not to meddle in her life and her family.

I left by sending a message to her mother to keep her informed that she was fine and that the station was opening soon and then I was resting because I could not stand it anymore. His mother contacted me in tears telling me that her daughter would not go home but at one of these friends (who unfortunately does not have good dating and can influence her) in the same city, that her daughter Said she did not want to talk to them because she felt betrayed.

In short, it's ___, the situation is horrible for me, but I love her from the bottom of my heart and I wish she would get better, take care of herself and I hope she will come back to me because when she went Well, it was really wonderful, we had plans for the future but I'm afraid for the future, losing it, I do not know what to do except to stop all communication as I promised and I Thinks of going to see a psychiatrist specialized in this disorder to allow me to talk about it, know how to react for the sequel.

In your opinion, what should I do if she comes to retrieve the rest of her business all at once without warning? Do I have to think that everything is lost or not?

Thanks a lot

Sorry for my bad english, i'm french ^^"

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[heartandwhole]

Hi Delpher,

Bienvenue à bpdfamily !  I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is very difficult to watch someone we love struggling like that, and pushing us away. Many of us have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.

I Thinks of going to see a psychiatrist specialized in this disorder to allow me to talk about it, know how to react for the sequel.

If you can do this, I think it would help a lot.  There are things you can do to help the relationship. On the right of the page ---------> there is a lot of information that can really make things better.

In your opinion, what should I do if she comes to retrieve the rest of her business all at once without warning? Do I have to think that everything is lost or not?

Right now, while she is not with you, is a good time to learn some new communication skills. That way, if she does come back, you can have a conversation that will (hopefully) bring you closer and help you understand each other better.

We have a lot of good information about communication with someone with BPD. Here is one that will help:

Listen with Empathy

Are you talking to her at the moment?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Delpher]

Thanks for the answer and for the post "listen with empathy".

Actually, i research some information to know how to react when she comes back to me and helping his family who don't know is trouble.

I promised that I would not contact her for a month. So that she can refocus on herself, think about all the good times that one has lived and especially
 understands that I do not want to watch her as she thinks.

Before leaving I told her that my door will always be open for her, that I will take care of herpersonal belongings and her animals and if she wants to contact me, she can do it anytime. For now, I know she is at a friend's place instead of her mother because of the problem at night when I take care of her (she took her for a betrayal of her family) but her at least in the same city.

Nevertheless, I worry about her, but I know I would do nothing to help her even indirectly. She must understand the uneasiness she gives to all (me, her family and even my family).

But, Little anecdote, I had already told her about the fact that she could suffer from this disorder a few months after her move in. Obviously, she got nervous and did not feel concerned, but she stayed with me and, a couple of weeks later, we went to a doctor because she felt sick. The doctor quickly identified her because of certain medications she took (sleeping pills especially) and he offered the address of a psychiatric medical center. Surprisingly, my girlfriend accepted the address and inquired. Unfortunately, that did not go any further, but it would mean that deep down she knows she needs help?

[Delpher]

Hello everybody,

After a month without news of her and without giving her any, I called her yesterday as I promised her before she left. Nevertheless the call was quite strange, she did not know that it was me (she changed phone and not keep my number), she was a little surprised at the start and here is how it happened Call:

She: Hi, it's when you throw away my things?

Me: I never thought of throwing them away, why did you think that?

She: Okay, then I'll see to get back to you to get them back, maybe.

Me: Ok, how are you doing and what have you done lately?

She: I go super mega well and I took a vacation, visit my region a little.

Me: It's good, and how it happens with your mother

She: * laugh * Ah the good joke, I must leave you * hang up "

The tone she had was a bit cheerful, I know she was not alone but with one of those friends she currently lives with and has never loved me for no reason. In view of her reaction, I have the impression that she has reflected nothing and has just hidden herself in her pseudo freedom. The most shocking to me is that she did not even ask for news of her rats that I keep now and I do not know what to think about the situation. I felt like I was talking to a totally foreign person.

I thought for my part not to contact her again and simply send her birthday gift in 3 weeks.

But I don't know what to think about this situation, I'm afraid she'll call me anytime to get her things back without even thinking about anything or not realizing everything she have here and she has no place to store everything.

If you have any advice or clarification, I'll take it, because my biggest fear is that she will put an end to all this without even thinking about our relationship, what we lived and what she is likely to lose by being so... .

Thank you

[heartandwhole]

Hi Delpher,

I can understand your worry. You have given your girlfriend space to think about what she wants, but it seems that she has, or is in the process of, letting go (she didn't recognize you when you called, she didn't ask about her pet rats). In my experience, sometimes a pwBPD can seem to "shut down" about a certain subject. She may still care for you and think about the relationship from time to time. In the moment, however, she may not feel or acknowledge the connection.

Did she say she still wants no contact from you? Or are you taking some space to think about things?

heartandwhole

[Delpher]

Hello !

During the call, she did not mention anything about the fact that she did not want to contact me anymore, so I decided to let her do it when she wanted to. I'm just scared when she does that it's on a whim to get it all back when she has no one to store everything she has, she does not talk about our relationship or Painted me in black.

I take care of myself little by little by doing activities that I did not do before but I don't hide that I get annoyed by myself because I can not do anything for helping her with his trouble.

Before I left, I was determined to give her enough time to think about it, but I do not know how I should react to an appeal, if I should contact her even if she does not Not for a while or if it would be wise to just send him a mail once a week just to give him news of his pets ... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi Delpher,

Have you thought about contacting her so that you can set a time to talk? If you'd like to save this relationship, I think you might think about reconnecting. You can start slow and build up trust again.

I recommend the tools on the right --------->

Especially communication tools. Good communication will help her feel more understood, and will help you to find out where she is right now with regard to your relationship.

Do you still want to try to save the relationship?

heartandwhole

[Delpher]

Good evening,

Obviously, if I am here at the moment it's because I wish to save our relationship. I fully read and even made a record of all the tools that you propose to manage our discussions as well as possible.

I don't know if it's a good idea to contacting her now. As I said before, she does not seem to have thought about our relationship and how she lives now (she had to live with her mother but preferred to go to the house of a friend who does not work with a child ). I wonder if it is better to let her realize the situation in which she is alone in taking these immature decisions so that she realizes the errors and wait for her to contact me first to define a regular contact.

It's she who, after his leaving has deleted me from all his contacts and blocked me on facebook. The basis of her leave is that she wanted to blow and have more "freedom" in her independence. So I think contacting her would not fix anything because she could take that as an attempt to remove what she wants and not respect her choice.

I have to say that before She left, I always told her that if she needed me or wanted to talk, she did not have to hesitate and I would be there

[Delpher]

Here are the latest news

Still no news for the moment, I contacted her half sister that she especially likes Sunday to ask her address to send a birthday gift for my exBPD which is 12/08. She told me that it did not bother her but that my ex told her that it was not necessary and she did not want it.

So, I think I will not send anything yet. At least she is aware that I have prepared a gift for her and if she changes her mind, she will contact me or go through her half sister. In any case, I notice that even if she knows that I'm contacting a part of her family, she has not sent me a message to tell me to stop or has not called me to get her stuff now, She learned that I kept everything as promised which is pretty positive I find.

For my part, I take care of myself, I will soon resume work and start my driver's license.

I'll keep you informed ! Thank you and good day to all

[heartandwhole]

Delpher,

I understand you wanting to wait to send the gift. I recommend being careful about getting information about your ex through a family member, instead of directly. Communications like that can get very convoluted, so beware.

How are you feeling these days?

Keep us posted!

heartandwhole

[Delpher]

Since she left, even though I'm worried about her, I have never contacted her family to ask them about her. I know the consequences could be terrible and that's why I avoid contacting them or even contacting common friends with whom she still speaks. I promised her to let her breathe and leave her alone and I intend to respect that.

The only time I contacted them about her was when she left to explain what she had, they knew she had a problem with stability and trouble but never knew what exactly and for their Provide the tools you're suggesting here so they can better manage that.

For my part, I would say it depends on the days. Sometimes she misses me and sometimes I cry, sometimes I think it's just a matter of time and everything is going to happen while keeping in mind that maybe she will not come back, but I make sure to have activities and to continue my personal projects. It is not by staying at my home for cry that it will arrange things and it is necessary to continue to live after all!

[Delpher]

last news

I learned by doing a bit of research on facebook, that:

1) she blocked my account a few days after her departure
2) deleted his / her account to create a new account
3) She has been a couple since July 21

It hurts me to learn all this knowing that throughout our relationship she never changed her status ... .I do not know who to do now

[Delpher]

Still some news, a friend in common with her who is aware of the situation has been questioning her to learn more (whether it's true or not her story of couple, etc ... .) pretending not to know what's happening. Here is the short exchange:

My friend: I'm sorry for you
She: No thanks, no need for me! At best, be it for him = '
My friend: But how can you react like that? You seemed to love her when you came home. Did you pretend?
She: Oh no, it's worse than that and a lot more funny. Except that I'm going to sleep, goodnight

I think she's playing a game, she knows my friend would have told me all that and answered that to hurt me.

During our relationship, she told me several times that if we were to break, she would do me the most harm so I could forget it more easily and find someone better as she said. After, maybe I'm wrong, who knows?

I think on my side that reacting by calling her family or just her to have explanations would only get into her game and comfort her in her choices.

So I'm going to act as if I don't know anything about it at the moment and stay on my basic idea, that is send his gift to his half sister who will be able to give him to his birthday and send her a small sms to wish her and to give her news of his animals which I take care of. After ... .I do not know what I could do more to at least break this silence and its behavior towards me ... .