It hit the fan this weekend

[lostandconfused6]

Well my BF pulled all the stops out on me this weekend... .We were driving to get food continuing a conversation we had started at the house about his family and what they had done to him that day i said " do you still feel the way you did thursday about setting boundaries with them" this was his response " i am so f'n sick of you throwing s*it in my face that i said before my feelings and thoughts chnge day to day how dare you  try to hold me to something i said 3 days ago yeah i meant it then but maybe i dont today" i asked" so how am i supposed to know what the truth is when 1 day its 1 thing then  a week later its a 180" he says "i'll tell you what the truth is and change it when i feel like it" so we calm down from that get our food get home and he starts in again " you are the worst person i have ever met in my life you always make me doubt and second guess myself when i make a choice no one in my life has ever done that to me when i'm around you its like i just cant think or hold a thought in my head it's a constant state of confusion" of course i start crying (which i shouldn't have done) so he stops apologizes and continues on in a nicer way of explaining things we eat and go to bed

fast forward to next morning his dad is blowing his phone up "i need help loading this table when will you be home" so of course my BF packs up and goes to leave i say "you said we were going to spend today together since this week was so hectic with the tropical storm do you think we can do something when youre done?" all heck broke loose he throws his bag down and says "i'll just be held hostage here all day and i do everything you want me to do" then continues on " i am never coming back here again you want truth thats the truth you make me uncomfortable and i cant stand the way you make me feel" i said "i just go by the thing you tell me if you dont tell me they change then i don't know" he says " you want the truth this is the truth i am toxic for you i hate you i can't stand you let me leave now if you want a chance for us to be ok"

then later that night he's reading " i hate you dont leave me" and crying to me that he needs help and hes sorry hes bad to me and he cant balance things in his life... .i want to be there for him but how do i over come the back and forth day to day "truth" changing?

help please!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Gumiho]

of course i start crying (which i shouldn't have done)

You're a girl, not a guy. Perfectly normal if your SO lets out such a bull, even for guys where I come from. (I'm expected not to though, for Koreans crying males are a turnoff *rolls eyes*... talk about stereotypes)

... .he needs help and hes sorry hes bad to me and he cant balance things in his life... .

Okay see the bright side, he's insightful and apologizes. (my gf never even once apologized to me, it means defeat to her and also not "winning"... if she doesn't win that's a deal breaker to her)

... i want to be there for him but how do i over come the back and forth day to day "truth" changing?

What do you mean by overcome, your insecurity?
Just for the record, my gf is the very same. I just automatically try to adapt to her decision changing and day to day "truth". Though sometimes it backfired when I JADEed about a significant change (ie. her initially saying she would move to her new town for but 2 months, then suddenly deciding to stay there. Ofc one would lament)
I see another pattern with pwBPD... changing opinions like a flag in the wind. Well idk about your r/s dynamics, I just let gf lead where there's no harm. (imagine us picking a resto/food stall to eat at... we often run around for an hour until she finally decides on what she wants to eat  "me: yes hun, lets eat A" ... ."gf: oh look over there! lets eat B"... .as soon as we arrive "gf: oh I wanted to eat A" and so on LOL (╯°□ °）╯︵ ┻━┻)

[lostandconfused6]

You're a girl, not a guy. Perfectly normal if your SO lets out such a bull, even for guys where I come from. (I'm expected not to though, for Koreans crying males are a turnoff *rolls eyes*... talk about stereotypes)
Okay see the bright side, he's insightful and apologizes. (my gf never even once apologized to me, it means defeat to her and also not "winning"... if she doesn't win that's a deal breaker to her)
What do you mean by overcome, your insecurity?
Just for the record, my gf is the very same. I just automatically try to adapt to her decision changing and day to day "truth". Though sometimes it backfired when I JADEed about a significant change (ie. her initially saying she would move to her new town for but 2 months, then suddenly deciding to stay there. Ofc one would lament)
I see another pattern with pwBPD... changing opinions like a flag in the wind. Well idk about your r/s dynamics, I just let gf lead where there's no harm. (imagine us picking a resto/food stall to eat at... we often run around for an hour until she finally decides on what she wants to eat  "me: yes hun, lets eat A" ... ."gf: oh look over there! lets eat B"... .as soon as we arrive "gf: oh I wanted to eat A" and so on LOL (╯°□ °）╯︵ ┻━┻)

you're right i guess i just always feel like i'm doing something wrong or could do something better which is something i need to work on with myself... .and i think i meant over come as in how to handle it and not get so worked up? but i think that goes back to self control

I asked him for now to please just stick to what he says when it comes to things specifically with us or me. He said he is going to try to do that. I guess time will tell. It just makes me so mad because he has admitted and i know for a fact im the only 1 willing to be there and help him and make changes where necessary  to make this better and easier for him and i feel like i get the short end of the stick 75% of the time.

I have a degree in psych... .you would think i'd be better at this

[Gumiho]

you're right i guess i just always feel like i'm doing something wrong or could do something better

Eggshells walking. me too

but i think that goes back to self control

Send some over if you have any extra.

i feel like i get the short end of the stick 75% of the time.

That's still better than my 100% pulling the a** card

To be honest and judging on what I read on here it's mainly about self control (SET/DEARMAN but don't JADE... hayy it's so easy to write *stares at fingers* ._.)
How not to get so worked up. If I knew. I'm working on it for 2 years already. It's the way I function... .it's like using Windows for 20 years then suddenly use MAC/OS. complicated

[Triedmybest408]

Eggshells walking. me too
Send some over if you have any extra.
That's still better than my 100% pulling the a** card

To be honest and judging on what I read on here it's mainly about self control (SET/DEARMAN but don't JADE... hayy it's so easy to write *stares at fingers* ._.)
How not to get so worked up. If I knew. I'm working on it for 2 years already. It's the way I function... .it's like using Windows for 20 years then suddenly use MAC/OS. complicated

Gumiho has such great replies, its been relieving.

While I am very new to this. I feel the same exact way as you, always walking on eggshells and beaten down when our intentions are always good. But i learned to take it all in and "TRY" not to take it to heart. It's hard, i have to self talk that he/she doesnt mean it. this seemed to help, but I do get anxiety thinking why this is happening even though I know I did absolutely nothing (and my day gets a bogged down), but I believe with time it can get better and we will learn to not let it get to us.

Good Luck to you! for me posting on here has been very therapeutic, as I am "afraid" to have a journal that could be found (i know pathetic, but I am ok with it)

[isilme]

It's part of the r/s.  BPD is always going to be there - it can get less intense, it can become more predictable after a fashion, and you can learn to distance yourself from feeling responsible for your SO's actions and emotions, but this all comes with time. 

We cannot, through any of our actions and inaction, make BPD stop 100%.

We CAN learn how our often co-dependent feelings and actions feed the fire, and to stop providing fuel for the flame.

It is very aggravating to have someone say I want XYZ on Monday, and on Tuesday deny ever saying it, claim you are crazy, or say, whatever, I want ABC instead.  And then waffle back and forth, or find LMN a few days later. 

When possible, like Gumhio, I let him take the lead when things are not life-shattering.  Pick food, pick a movie to watch, decide if he wants guests over, or how to interact with his parents.  I KNOW he is going to change hi mind several times in the days leading up to Christmas about when we head down and how long he will want to stay.  I pack extra clothes just in case.  It could be we head down for one night or stay 4.  All based on his mood and he feels about his family those days. 

So when he decides to go along with something he'd said he was not doing, I try to just not react.  And I will tell him all the time he needs to "sue his words"  and TELL me things.  I can't guess his feelings nor should I have to.  He speaks from feelings, which shift day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

[Gumiho]

Not pathetic at all. You're the hell of a woman to put up with this, never forget.
If your partner was fully aware of the earth being a rotating ball and not a spinning disc, he'd never do this to you.

And same for me, I use "special event" (for instance), instead of the real thing, despite gf being unable to speak/read english, I'm as cautious as possible in what I type, not to be found in the coming 70 years lmao. And I have to be overcautious since gf is a control freak (checking my phone whenever she can). I've mastered veiling skills I seldom get busted.

Keep updating ^^
Let's fight that nine-tailed fox (meaning of gu-mi-ho in korean) of BPD >_<

[lostandconfused6]

It's part of the r/s.  BPD is always going to be there - it can get less intense, it can become more predictable after a fashion, and you can learn to distance yourself from feeling responsible for your SO's actions and emotions, but this all comes with time. 

We cannot, through any of our actions and inaction, make BPD stop 100%.

We CAN learn how our often co-dependent feelings and actions feed the fire, and to stop providing fuel for the flame.

It is very aggravating to have someone say I want XYZ on Monday, and on Tuesday deny ever saying it, claim you are crazy, or say, whatever, I want ABC instead.  And then waffle back and forth, or find LMN a few days later. 

When possible, like Gumhio, I let him take the lead when things are not life-shattering.  Pick food, pick a movie to watch, decide if he wants guests over, or how to interact with his parents.  I KNOW he is going to change hi mind several times in the days leading up to Christmas about when we head down and how long he will want to stay.  I pack extra clothes just in case.  It could be we head down for one night or stay 4.  All based on his mood and he feels about his family those days. 

So when he decides to go along with something he'd said he was not doing, I try to just not react.  And I will tell him all the time he needs to "sue his words"  and TELL me things.  I can't guess his feelings nor should I have to.  He speaks from feelings, which shift day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

I guess it's just a learning process for the BPD and non BPD i think honestly more so for the non... .i am actually glad to hear the flip flopping back and forth isn't unique to my situation... .living with his family is a huge obstacle and he knows it they are very manipulative and self serving and his mom is codependent with him... .he is currently finishing his engineering degree and is unemployed... .he is an alpha in every sense of the word and said he would feel worthless just moving in with me... .he is "old fashioned" when it comes to being the provider and he said until he feels he can fill that role he won't live with me he said i intimidate him because i am so very successful (i make well over 200k a year and i just turned 30 2 weeks ago) i think he is also a little jealous at times. I am very careful never to throw my money in his face and also to never make him feel like he doesnt deserve me or that he is a "loser" like he says.

a little back ground on his past relationships he was always with girls that were very needy and worthless no jobs no education no ambition  no goals or drive. He gave them everything and they cheated on him, used him, lied to him, stole, and treated him like crap.  Now he has me the girl that has it together for the most part and he has said it has given him more time for self realization  and it scares him, and since those girls were so awful he feels he has to pull back with the things he does for me because he doesn't want me to turn into them. I feel like i'm being punished for so much stuff. Am i wrong for feeling like that? does that tie into his BPD?

My biggest fear is his BPD taking over and i lose him and he goes and finds some dumb girl that he can "save" 

[lostandconfused6]

Eggshells walking. me too
Send some over if you have any extra.
That's still better than my 100% pulling the a** card

To be honest and judging on what I read on here it's mainly about self control (SET/DEARMAN but don't JADE... hayy it's so easy to write *stares at fingers* ._.)
How not to get so worked up. If I knew. I'm working on it for 2 years already. It's the way I function... .it's like using Windows for 20 years then suddenly use MAC/OS. complicated

I feel like i am in a constant state of confusion like he claims he is he just makes my head spin like today he is 100% normal and level headed again... .grrrrrr

[Triedmybest408]

I feel like i am in a constant state of confusion like he claims he is he just makes my head spin like today he is 100% normal and level headed again... .grrrrrr

I can relate with you right now. I just got out of a 3 day rager (thats suppose to mean party *sigh*)... .and its as if nothing has happened. Except Im still here questioning myself and feeling the anxiety.

I think the anxiety for me is when is the next time? whats going to happen next time?

[lostandconfused6]

I can relate with you right now. I just got out of a 3 day rager (thats suppose to mean party *sigh*)... .and its as if nothing has happened. Except Im still here questioning myself and feeling the anxiety.

I think the anxiety for me is when is the next time? whats going to happen next time?

i know that feeling all to well... .for at least a year its been a roller coaster there would be weeks of great times and i would be hopeful it was staying that way then bam here it comes again. they have been much more frequent the last 4 months and that's when i started looking into different disorders and finally about a month ago i got the courage to tell him i'm 99% sure he has BPD he looked into and agreed then was professionally diagnosed a few weeks ago.

He says hes scared looking into all this and getting help but despite the 1 rage this weekend he has been very clear that he does want to change he says he's "trying to figure it all out" and keeping a journal of things he tells me now... .i feel like this is a step in the right direction but i'm not getting my hopes up to high yet.

[isilme]

I feel like i'm being punished for so much stuff. Am i wrong for feeling like that? does that tie into his BPD?

Yes, he is likely to project his feelings from past relationships onto you.  No, you are not wrong to feel like this.  Yes, it ties to BPD and just plain emotional instability.

H can yell at me, and I realize he's really yelling at his mom, his sister, his former boss, or an ex-girlfriend.  The emotions that are targeted at me, often have very little to DO with me, mother than my being a convenient receptacle for them. 

Knowing this HAS helped over time to ignore a lot of the crap that can come my way.  I refuse to accept it, internalize it, or agree with it.  I don't state this to him - that would be useless.  But I also tell myself, "this is not about me.  He is mad at how his mom acts, and so needs to pretend I am the one acting like that so he can yell at a person about it since he can't yell at his mom.  He is bad about projecting his mom's behavior onto me, claiming I am lazy and I nap all day (um, no, I work the same 40+ hour week he does, and I do all the housework, yardwork, shopping, and cooking).  My one totally free day of the week, either Saturday or Sunday based on our plans and what needs to be done I can't do while at work, I may take an afternoon nap.  I work. I have a form of insomnia.  I'm allowed to catch up on sleep.  He also projects HIM falling asleep as an assumption that I must have fallen asleep.  But to him, since his mom never leaves her couch, can't even stand to cook for herself, he needs to pretend I am like that at times so he can yell out his anger about how his mom has given up on her own health.

They can't deal with internal emotions.  They can't accept that things may not be the same with another person, probably because THEY are always part of the equation.  And they MUST take it out on an external target that won't cut and run immediately, so we get the brunt of it. 

[lostandconfused6]

Yes, he is likely to project his feelings from past relationships onto you.  No, you are not wrong to feel like this.  Yes, it ties to BPD and just plain emotional instability.

H can yell at me, and I realize he's really yelling at his mom, his sister, his former boss, or an ex-girlfriend.  The emotions that are targeted at me, often have very little to DO with me, mother than my being a convenient receptacle for them. 

Knowing this HAS helped over time to ignore a lot of the crap that can come my way.  I refuse to accept it, internalize it, or agree with it.  I don't state this to him - that would be useless.  But I also tell myself, "this is not about me.  He is mad at how his mom acts, and so needs to pretend I am the one acting like that so he can yell at a person about it since he can't yell at his mom.  He is bad about projecting his mom's behavior onto me, claiming I am lazy and I nap all day (um, no, I work the same 40+ hour week he does, and I do all the housework, yardwork, shopping, and cooking).  My one totally free day of the week, either Saturday or Sunday based on our plans and what needs to be done I can't do while at work, I may take an afternoon nap.  I work. I have a form of insomnia.  I'm allowed to catch up on sleep.  He also projects HIM falling asleep as an assumption that I must have fallen asleep.  But to him, since his mom never leaves her couch, can't even stand to cook for herself, he needs to pretend I am like that at times so he can yell out his anger about how his mom has given up on her own health.

They can't deal with internal emotions.  They can't accept that things may not be the same with another person, probably because THEY are always part of the equation.  And they MUST take it out on an external target that won't cut and run immediately, so we get the brunt of it. 

I just feel like he focuses so much more on what could go wrong than what could go right... .i just hung up the phone with him and he mad mentioned something about being burned by everyone in the past and he doesnt want it to happen again i asked if i in an way show any signs of being like his exs and he said no not even close... .i left it at that

is there anyway around this? will therapy help it? like why did he have to stop doing everything when he got in a relationship with me i feel like i didnt even get a chance to show him how i would react to something

[isilme]

Well, the relationship is still ongoing, so you still have a chance.  But you have to step back and realize that the person you are in an r/s with has an emotional disability.  They are hardwired through a variety of nature and nurture to think based on feelings more than anything else, and feelings are murky, can be hard to move past, and change minute to minute. 

He is not going to react the way you think he should to logical pleas, reasoning, or pointing out that you are a new person.  I have tried for years to state to H that I am the only person who has routinely, consistently helped him in all things... .if he is emotional and feeling put upon, I get the brunt of the bad feelings because he can't manage them in any other way.  It's not fair.  I can make you feel bad.  The only way I have been able to stay in this r/s for 21 years is to pretty much realize it is a condition, a disease, and that he can only control it to an extent.  He may not be able to stop his emotions. but he does not need to be mean to me about them. 

All he can act on are his own feelings.  And his own feelings are scared that you will be just like everything else he has ever known.  Ever hear the adage, "the only way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them?"  He is trying to trust you, but he also can't silence those feelings from his previous relationships.  It can take years for him to accept that YOU are not treating him as he was treated in the past. 

BPD is very focused on the negative.  It is more likely to him that the negative will happen than the positive.  This can be distressing, but you have to take comfort in knowing the world is not that black and white, even if he can't see it. 

Therapy CAN help, maybe.  But BPD is a tough one to tackle. 
1 - he has to be willing to accept he has a problem - BPD is all about avoiding responsibility for your own emotions and feelings, so this is a really big hurdle. 
2 - he has to be willing to take this problem to therapy and talk about it - honestly. 
3 - he has to be willing to accept what the therapist says he needs to do to work on his outlook and how he treats life and his relationships
4 - he ahs to keep up with it

Because BPD cannot be treated with drugs, usually, a form of therapy called DBT has to be undertaken - and because it can't be treated with drugs, a lot of therapists don't even like to diagnose it.  Therapy often seems to fall into either the pwBPD ignoring the therapist, claiming they are lying, they are mean, they are out to hurt them and make them look bad... .or, it turns into, "my therapist told me I'm fine but you're the problem."

[lostandconfused6]

Well, the relationship is still ongoing, so you still have a chance.  But you have to step back and realize that the person you are in an r/s with has an emotional disability.  They are hardwired through a variety of nature and nurture to think based on feelings more than anything else, and feelings are murky, can be hard to move past, and change minute to minute. 

He is not going to react the way you think he should to logical pleas, reasoning, or pointing out that you are a new person.  I have tried for years to state to H that I am the only person who has routinely, consistently helped him in all things... .if he is emotional and feeling put upon, I get the brunt of the bad feelings because he can't manage them in any other way.  It's not fair.  I can make you feel bad.  The only way I have been able to stay in this r/s for 21 years is to pretty much realize it is a condition, a disease, and that he can only control it to an extent.  He may not be able to stop his emotions. but he does not need to be mean to me about them. 

All he can act on are his own feelings.  And his own feelings are scared that you will be just like everything else he has ever known.  Ever hear the adage, "the only way to know if you can trust someone is to trust them?"  He is trying to trust you, but he also can't silence those feelings from his previous relationships.  It can take years for him to accept that YOU are not treating him as he was treated in the past. 

BPD is very focused on the negative.  It is more likely to him that the negative will happen than the positive.  This can be distressing, but you have to take comfort in knowing the world is not that black and white, even if he can't see it. 

Therapy CAN help, maybe.  But BPD is a tough one to tackle. 
1 - he has to be willing to accept he has a problem - BPD is all about avoiding responsibility for your own emotions and feelings, so this is a really big hurdle. 
2 - he has to be willing to take this problem to therapy and talk about it - honestly. 
3 - he has to be willing to accept what the therapist says he needs to do to work on his outlook and how he treats life and his relationships
4 - he ahs to keep up with it

Because BPD cannot be treated with drugs, usually, a form of therapy called DBT has to be undertaken - and because it can't be treated with drugs, a lot of therapists don't even like to diagnose it.  Therapy often seems to fall into either the pwBPD ignoring the therapist, claiming they are lying, they are mean, they are out to hurt them and make them look bad... .or, it turns into, "my therapist told me I'm fine but you're the problem."

The more i read and the more i learn from you and others that are in a similar situation to mine the more i'm starting to realize that this isn't my fault and I have to accept that it is his BPD and i cant only see things from my way of thinking because his isn't the same.

I would never say this to him at this point (maybe down the road) but would a therapist or any professional ever recommend that he remove the people from his life that he can pin point to cause stress and problems? He has admitted to me that he knows his family is the a huge trigger for him and is the reason he is the way he is to me 90% of the time.

We have come to a point that he definitely wants help but has admitted he's scared of it. I just make sure he knows i am here to support and help him in whatever way he needs. This part may have been a mistake but i have also told him i am not going to be walked on and taken advantage of with certain situations and he does need to do things to show me i am appreciated when possible ( i ask very very little of him)

[Zoaron]

The more i read and the more i learn from you and others that are in a similar situation to mine the more i'm starting to realize that this isn't my fault and I have to accept that it is his BPD and i cant only see things from my way of thinking because his isn't the same.

I would never say this to him at this point (maybe down the road) but would a therapist or any professional ever recommend that he remove the people from his life that he can pin point to cause stress and problems? He has admitted to me that he knows his family is the a huge trigger for him and is the reason he is the way he is to me 90% of the time.

We have come to a point that he definitely wants help but has admitted he's scared of it. I just make sure he knows i am here to support and help him in whatever way he needs. This part may have been a mistake but i have also told him i am not going to be walked on and taken advantage of with certain situations and he does need to do things to show me i am appreciated when possible ( i ask very very little of him)

I agree that the hardest part is getting over that you did something wrong.  I just recently put my foot down in my mind that it's not me, and the BPD that she has is what's twist my words to make me seem like the worst person ever.  It still hurts, but I made a boundary to protect my sanity to cut all communication if she starts to twist my words and insult me.  Family is a huge trigger for her as well.  At least it seems he knows there's a problem and he wants to get help, even if he's scared to.  That is still a step in the right direction.

[lostandconfused6]

I can relate with you right now. I just got out of a 3 day rager (thats suppose to mean party *sigh*)... .and its as if nothing has happened. Except Im still here questioning myself and feeling the anxiety.

I think the anxiety for me is when is the next time? whats going to happen next time?

I just got off the phone with him and we both have very busy lives i run a dealership and i work a minimum of 60 hours a week and he is in school this summer so that takes a lot if his time plus we live 1.5 hours from each other and sat nights and sundays are our days. he tells me that in 4 weeks when his classes end his mom wants to take him to a fancy dinner so he will come over that fri. night instead. My first reaction is he's lying and is doing something with that other girl (not sure if you saw her mentioned in my other posts) why am i like this? ughhhhh