How long can it feel this bad?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I cannot even begin to understand everything that has gone into making me feel this completely destroyed, but I need something to change soon.

I get up each morning, cry through the shower, put on a carefully crafted, socially acceptable "face", and drag myself through the day. I'm never more than barely going through the motions, and expwBPD is never far from my thoughts. Is he hurting too? Does he ever even think of me? Has he replaced me? Will today be the day he texts again? If he does, what will I do?

I survive until about 8pm when I make an excuse to be tired and retire to my room where I cry until I can sleep.

I am so grateful that I have my kids to give me a reason to keep going through the motions and the hope that one day I will enjoy life again. I'm also glad they are old enough to not need my constant care as I'm not sure at the moment I could provide it! (They're 20, 18, and 14) But it's a mixed blessing - I kept the romantic nature of my relationship hidden to protect them once things turned abusive. I'm glad they never had to witness any of the destructive things that went on, but it also means that I'm mourning this loss under the same shroud of secrecy.

My 14 year old daughter has noticed something is wrong and is asking all the questions... ."Have you lost weight Mom?" "You look tired is something wrong Mom?" "Why haven't you been running Mom?" I'm running out of answers.

It's been 6 weeks - how long can I expect this to feel so debilitating?

[Lalathegreat]

I cannot even begin to understand everything that has gone into making me feel this completely destroyed, but I need something to change soon.

I get up each morning, cry through the shower, put on a carefully crafted, socially acceptable "face", and drag myself through the day. I'm never more than barely going through the motions, and expwBPD is never far from my thoughts. Is he hurting too? Does he ever even think of me? Has he replaced me? Will today be the day he texts again? If he does, what will I do?

I survive until about 8pm when I make an excuse to be tired and retire to my room where I cry until I can sleep.

I am so grateful that I have my kids to give me a reason to keep going through the motions and the hope that one day I will enjoy life again. I'm also glad they are old enough to not need my constant care as I'm not sure at the moment I could provide it! (They're 20, 18, and 14) But it's a mixed blessing - I kept the romantic nature of my relationship hidden to protect them once things turned abusive. I'm glad they never had to witness any of the destructive things that went on, but it also means that I'm mourning this loss under the same shroud of secrecy.

My 14 year old daughter has noticed something is wrong and is asking all the questions... ."Have you lost weight Mom?" "You look tired is something wrong Mom?" "Why haven't you been running Mom?" I'm running out of answers.

It's been 6 weeks - how long can I expect this to feel so debilitating?

[once removed]

sometimes it can feel as though it gets worse before it gets better.

it does get better, of course. but it takes what it takes.

routine is huge in terms of restoring a sense of normalcy. it sounds like you have that to an extent. id encourage you to build on it, and i might encourage you to switch things up a bit; try something new at 8 pm something as small as a video game. do what you are able to do, and build on it as you are able to.

you mentioned not eating in another thread. this is a double whammy; i found not being able to eat seriously exhausted my body, made me a great deal more prone to awful crying jags. i wont tell you to eat - i couldnt. but i will tell you that it will make some difference as you are able to again.

six weeks was not a long time for me, but i also didnt have a whole lot of support. it sounds like your daughter cares, and its okay to share some of what is going on with you and accept support.

having a support system is crucial. surrounding yourself with loved ones who make you feel good about yourself. you dont have to discuss your ex or your struggles, necessarily, to do this.

you likely wont wake up and feel "over it". more likely, you will slowly replace grief with routine, normalcy, new memories, and things to look forward to. detachment for me was often in retrospect - id look back and realize how far id come.

hang in there. it does get better.

[Grey Kitty]

My 14 year old daughter has noticed something is wrong and is asking all the questions... ."Have you lost weight Mom?" "You look tired is something wrong Mom?" "Why haven't you been running Mom?" I'm running out of answers.

I'm not a parent... .but isn't there an age-appropriate way to tell her the truth? Something like "Yes, honey, I have been depressed. Thanks for caring and noticing. I am going to take care of this--it isn't anything you did, or your job to fix it. I will get better. And while I'm dealing with it, I'm still here to take care of you."

Depending upon how much they know about BPDex, you might say you are sad because you broke up with him or something of the sort.

You clearly don't want to unload everything on her, and absolutely not blame her or let her blame herself. But she might well jump to that conclusion if you leave her in the dark.

You also don't want to invalidate her by telling her what she's seeing (mom is so depressed she can barely function) isn't actually happening.

[Lalathegreat]

Yes GK - I've been thinking a lot about that. A friend told me that my children are old enough to understand some basics and she's not sure what exactly I'm trying to protect them from by refusing to at least acknowledge that I'm having a hard time.

I'm sure it goes back to the dysfunctional communication that I learned from my FOO which was essentially "everything is perfectly fine, nothing to see here" no matter what crisis might actually be occurring. But I digress... .

I am planning to sit with them and let them know that I'm struggling with some depression, that it's not their fault, and that I appreciate their support so much.

[flourdust]

I am planning to sit with them and let them know that I'm struggling with some depression, that it's not their fault, and that I appreciate their support so much.

That's a good idea. Why not tell them that you had a difficult breakup with your ex? I see that you kept your relationship hidden. Why not come clean? I suspect that the reason you hid the relationship ... .and perhaps why you hide it still ... .is because you knew it was bad for you and you didn't want your kids to know about it and provide some pressure and support to kick the bad habit. This sounds like how a user hides their drug addiction... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lala, It does get better, as once removed notes.  Have you considered getting treated for depression?  That might accelerate your recovery.  You could also try doing things that get you out of yourself.  Take a walk in the woods, write in your journal, play a musical instrument, talk to a friend, etc.  Acknowledge your feelings and let them pass through you.  The pain is a normal part of the process, as many of us can attest.

LuckyJim

[HelenaHandbasket]

Hey Lala--I'm worried that you are keeping this from the people who love you most.  It's so draining to hold in our pain. I'm not saying you should blurt out every detail to your kids or talk about it nonstop to your friends and family, b/c that's not necessarily healthy either. But I would suggest you "go through the motions" a little less and try opening up to those who love you. If they don't know what you're going through, they can't support you.

I'd also STRONGLY recommend getting some therapy to help you through this. A good therapist can help you get clarity about what's happened, and give you some practical coping strategies.
   

It gets better.  Hang in there.

[lovenature]

There is a wide spectrum of PWBPD and their partners, and timing of the relationship is a significant factor as well: there isn't any formula, the best thing to do is be as accepting of your thoughts and feelings as you can, just let them come and go freely. Know that it does get better over time but recovery isn't linear, you will do better some days and then worse others but at times you look back and even though you need to look very hard to see the positive, it will show.
It is tough when family is concerned but there is no possible way they can understand because they haven't lived what you have, just be there for each other.
Try to accept that it will take what it takes, only you have walked every mile in your shoes.

Hang in there Lala, it does get better.

[Zemmma]

Lalathegreat: I am with you in this.

I kept a lot from my kids too (almost 16 and 13). I hid a lot. The good and the bad. They could never understand the depth of what I have been through. But no one can. After many discards you stop telling people anyway. I even stopped telling my mom. I talk to two friends about it in depth. One who has had a difficult r/s, marriage and divorce with a male with a PD. She understands how isolating it can be.

Friends don't understand why you ever go back and get frustrated having to console time after time. When I told one friend I was going back after several recycles (and to her credit, a lot of handholding during the fallout) she said, "You are both crazy then, you deserve each other." She was kidding. Sort of.

This is a tricky stage in life to have to deal with this. To know what is next for us. With kids a little older... time on your hands. You start wondering about your purpose and all of this existential stuff.

And it feels so bad to be suffering when you want to be enjoying your kids- knowing these are the last few years with them under your wing. I know this feeling too. You want to be supermom and fully present, and active and helpful, but this pain is paralyzing. It's exhausting, isn't it?

I want you to know you are not alone in this. And it doesn't matter if it is six weeks or six months, this is difficult to face. The only ways I have found to deal with it is pushing myself but it doesn't always work: making plans with friends, doing projects I've been meaning to do (around the house), working, getting out of the house amongst people, even when I am alone. I am a regular at my local coffee shop and they greet me like family now. I have met friends through the gym. I feel a part of my community. So I try to get out. It gets me up and showered and out of the house even when I don't have to work. Somehow it helps to be amongst people, to remember there are so many different people out there all doing their thing. Not just that one looming figure in my head. The centre of my universe. If I am home I will ruminate all day. I have also tried long series on Netflix. Good to get lost in that when I am alone... cleaning, doing dishes. Or I will listen to motivational videos on YouTube or inspirational Ted Talks. Otherwise the thoughts of the ex race endlessly.

My kids knew so little about my r/s with this man. They spent some time with him and liked him. They even knew I was dating him, but I downplayed it plenty. Partly because of the instability in the r/s and partly because they are still affected by the divorce. It helps me to think about the reasons I didn't involve the exBPD bf more. You say you hid your man from your kids because he became abusive in some way and destructive. It helps me to remind myself there were parts of my BPDex that may not have been a good influence on my kids. I feel proud that I protected them from his constant break-ups from me. That would have affected them too. He might argue that he left in part because I never let him fully in to our lives- this secrecy you speak of- but I am sorry dude- YOU have to be stable FIRST. BEFORE you ever get a chance to be a disruption in my kids' life. We can both take comfort in knowing we were protecting our children from the influence of an unstable (or worse) relationship. 

I felt sick to my stomach today about this break-up that really began five months ago after a solid year together (his record!). I felt physically ill. Missing him. I spent half the day fantasizing about getting back together. There is so much denial, disappointment, loss, rejection, false hope, desperation... Everyone says it gets better, so I guess we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and think of all of the strong woman (and men) who have had similar challenges before us, while raising kids.