I feel really beaten down and don't know what to do

[nofightleft77]

My wife is BPD I believe. No, I am sure. She is fine one minute. Then a rage erupts. Sometimes over something significant but usually because I didn't close a door or window, or didn't load the dishwasher the right way. Some things from the past few weeks:

 - wakes me up and thrusts allegedly still dirty dishes at me saying how can she run a house like this
 - rages at me for opening my eldest's room's windows on the hottest day of the year because I might have let moths in and starts smashing plates in the garden and kicking over all the garden furniture and threatening to leave
 - for I don't know what any more tells me I am not trying hard enough to be better and do my share in our relationship
 - tells me she has had enough and is leaving with the kids to go to her mums. Then spends the afternoon in bed and doesn't go. Then the next day organises for us to go and see a house she wants us to move to
 - tells me I never come up with solutions when in fact every time I do they are criticised/shot down/belittled

I really don't know what to do or where to start. She threatens to take my kids away.
This is the past week only.

I have been with her for 7 years. I thought she had a drink problem for several years. Turns out it's BPD. She doesn't really drink at all these days. She sets me impossible tasks. She kitchen-sinks every argument. She gaslights knowingly or not. She has hit me a few times (I have not hit her back).

I feel completely trapped because of the kids. We have a baby and a 3 year old. I have a 9 year old from prior relationship. I recently got put on anti-depressants after being diagnosed with clinical depression for the first time. I am chronically fatigued, have no motivation and feel sad all the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WitzEndWife]

First of all, you came to the right place. Lots of support here. I thought my H had a drinking problem as well at first, because his Mr. Hyde would only come out after he'd had a few drinks. I think it comes out at first after drinking because that's when they let their guard down. Over time, it becomes harder and harder to mask the "dark side" of their personality. And, the more dependent they become on you, the more it comes out.

Seeing a therapist and even getting on medication to help you through these issues is a good step in taking care of your needs. One thing that struck me as counter intuitive before I started doing it was doing things to take care of myself. Setting boundaries is something I'm still slowly learning how to do, but it is vital to having a relationship that is mutually beneficial. If one person is always getting their needs met, and another is never getting their needs met, that's not fair. But you cannot expect to change the BP's behavior. You can only change your own. And you'll find that you have a lot of control over your own actions, even when a spouse is saying or doing things that make you feel like you don't.

It's a process. Just know that you're not alone. Many of us have been the subject of these irrational rages. It is not easy. Myself I'm trying to learn that the comments and attacks from my BPDh are not personal, that much of the time they are projections, or they are mean-spirited backlash from some perceived "wrongdoing" on my part. Again, you can only control yourself, and it's important to constantly remind yourself that their reality isn't actually real, but that their feelings are. With that, sometimes you can find some compassion for them as well.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi nofight,

I'm sorry to hear how distressful things are in your relationship. Many of us here have suffered or are suffering from depression. It is hard to maintain hopefulness when fights, accusations, and rages are happening on a regular basis. DOn't give up though. There is hope, even if you are unable to see it at this time.

We have a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page. These workshops can help you begin to navigate your relationship better by learning more about the dynamics between you and your pwBPD and learning better communication skills. To start you off, here is a link to one of our workshops on stopping an argument:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0

[forlorn]

Hi! I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I'm new to this.  I guess the way you expressed your feelings and experiences seems so similar to mine that I feel I need to tell you that you are not alone. The constant ping-ponging of emotions is exhausting and feeling like you are always wrong is devastating.  But I'm really glad you're here! And I hope that sharing your experiences with the group and hearing from others who are walking this path will lead you to better days and a peaceful future.

[nofightleft77]

Thank you for the replies. I am feeling a little better now. The Sertraline side effects seem to have settled down and my self-care is a bit better. Reached out a bit to some people. Taking some supplements (I must say Magnesium has helped the fatigue). Still feel like death in the mornings and get anxious going home after work, feel exhausted from running on adrenaline and fear for so long. But am not crying in my car every day any more and am starting to function at work again.

I was quite badly bullied for a few years as a child and when it gets really bad I regress to that bullied child because, well, vicious bullying is a part of BPD behaviour. Sometimes it is so hard to separate the behaviour from the person.

After a while I think it's almost like developing C-PTSD until or unless you get a handle on all of this.

I think I have lost my grip somewhat. It was easier when I thought it was a drink problem and before we had kids. Now she threatens to take the kids away and I just crumble, so I need to start all over again from scratch re setting boundaries etc. Ho hum.

[forlorn]

I am concerned about you. It's great that you recognize how your childhood experiences are affecting your responses to your current situation.  That can give you a bit of power in terms of working towards resolution with your past. However new I may be to the BPD community, I do have experience with childhood trauma, and I can tell you that coming to terms with it is essential. 

I was molested as a young girl and had many issues in my twenties that were directly related to those experiences. After much work with a counselor, that was at times overwhelming and painful, I am able to see when I'm responding from that place in my life, and can gently redirect myself.

Have you sought counseling to help address that particular issue?  A note of caution:  I told my SO that I was seeking counseling, and he has tried to use that against me.  In retrospect, I would likely not share that with him if I had it to do over again - but I would DEFINITELY make the same choice to get some help.

A thought came to me while I was reading your last paragraph. It can be shocking to get a diagnosis that you weren't expecting.  But once the fear passes, it has often been empowering to me to know what I'm facing.  At least that way, you can be proactive and make choices based on what is, instead of what might be happening.

I hope you can take just one moment today, in your car or wherever, to take a deep breath, acknowledge the hurt you feel, and send yourself some of the compassion you would provide to a loved one or friend who you would see hurting.  You might not get it from outside yourself, but you can certainly get in from the inside.

Sending you peace.

[nofightleft77]

Thank you for the replies. My inner bullied child is getting hugs from me and he is not running the show any more but is off doing much more child appropriate things like building sandcastles.

BUT. My wife and I seemed to be getting on ok last few days. And then today she upped sticks and went to her mum's (60 miles away) with the kids.

Trigger 1 - I keep forgetting to close internal doors behind me - trues but this is a new thing for her and I am adjusting.

Trigger 2 - she says I have not been proactive enough in organising couples' therapy and even without anything booked should have already cancelled my monthly gym arrangements to prepare to pay for therapy. Truth - I have sent her options and chased for feedback so we can start and had no replies. (My) truth - having been formally diagnosed with clinical depression for the first time ever a month ago, the gym a couple times a week is one of the few things keeping me sane, so I am not cancelling that until we have sessions locked down and in the diary.

She insisted I cancel gym immediately there and then. I said I dislike being given ultimatums. She raged and woke the baby up, also then throwing books around the room. She has always hated my gym sessions and often seeks ways to get me to cancel them.

What I did differently here: I let her go and did not crumble into "I'll say anything/do anything, just don't leave with my children" territory. This is new.

Today has actually been quite nice as I cannot remember the last time I had some time to myself. I went to see my eldest from my first wife, did a bit of DIY and watched some TV.

I feel a bit numb and scared, and the house is weirdly quiet and empty. I guess we'll see what tomorrow holds. I am in two minds whether to follow her down and see the kids tomorrow or too sit tight.

[waverider]

What you have to focus on here is that you are dealing with an endless cyclical pattern of behaviour. Dont get blinded by trying to address the "issues of the day". They are simply vehicles by which she expresses her frustrations and lack of emotional balance.

What this means is that appeasement, nor defending yourself will fix anything. You are dealing with a runaway freight train of emotions. It is important that you neither climb about nor stand in front of it trying to flag it down. She is full steam ahead for crisis town, and wont stop until she gets the. It is your task to find ways to strep off the tracks and let it pass.

Easy to say, hard to do. Learning to disengage and consistently apply boundaries to abusive behaviour I think is paramount for you. Again keep your focus on the behaviour not the issues.

DISENGAGING
BOUNDARIES

[toomanydogs]

I so see this with my husband. And my coach keeps repeating this, as well: "If you're going to stay (and there are reasons I'm staying) you need to find a way to access that this is what will happen."
 
Where I get sidetracked is that I confuse behavior with issues. For example, he hates my kids (two grown kids, grandchildren), so then I learn a way to disengage from that and truly not have it bother me. Then he hates my dogs, has one so terrified that she defecates and urinates when she sees him. This is so much harder to disengage and so much harder to see as "behavior," so I get tripped up, focus on to disengage from the issue of his picking on an elderly dog.

What I am working on and focusing on is that the behavior is always and will always be about him. Always. So if he wants to chase an elderly dog, it is his right (in his mind) and her problem for being afraid.

I could go on and on. My coach has told me I need to have stock answers, stock responses, so I don't get in front of that runaway train and I don't get on the train either. In February I did get on the train when he called a friend a c**t. I got on again when he called me an effing c**t. I really got on the train with that one. Responding to him made me feel much better because I stood up for myself, but the email I sent in response, he forwarded to his father, his therapist, and his psychiatrist.

Bad enough to have everyone involved in our marriage, but not having that email put in context... .The psychiatrist now has labeled me as someone with a psych problem and has contacted my coach, without my permission or prior knowledge. Now, my H has triangulated what once had been a cohesive team, primarily, in retrospect, because I got on the train.

Working like hell to stay off that train. When he's on his medical marijuana, he is really great. Moods are regulated, and I can even laugh with him. Off the marijuana, he is suspicious and hostile, and my stock response, "Hey, honey, I've got so much to do, but I'll get with you later. Hope you feel better, baby."

[waverider]

Bad enough to have everyone involved in our marriage, but not having that email put in context... .The psychiatrist now has labeled me as someone with a psych problem and has contacted my coach, without my permission or prior knowledge. Now, my H has triangulated what once had been a cohesive team, primarily, in retrospect, because I got on the train.

Important issue here, your responses will be tagged and taken out of context and you feel so set up when you later find yourself defending them so that you dont seem like an ogre. This will hurt even more than the original issue that has long since past.

Their issue was a non issue, the behaviour swept through, picked up your response and turned that into a lingering issue. The blame has now been projected onto you. The pwBPD has assumed their natural role of victim. They feel validated in their anger. You feel totally abused.

They make excellent cut and paste reporters to create sensationalism

[nofightleft77]

So I got on with some DIY in the house (we are trying to sell it and a couple of bits needed doing ahead of a viewing today) and watched a movie, got some sleep etc rather than go chasing off 60 miles down the motorway after her.

I don't know if this is wrong or right but I am trying very hard not to treat this as a big drama.

I rang both days to say goodnight to the 3 year old and once with a practical question for her. Other than that I am basically getting radio silence.

Today I politely sent a message asking if she is planning on coming back in the next few days, or at the weekend or not. I said if the answer is no I will book a day off later in the week to go and see the kids.

I have not yet had an answer. Quite unsettling.

[nofightleft77]

Pondering this silent treatment/disengagement thing.

I suppose she is doing it to make me feel anxious about when I will see the kids again. I do feel anxious. But I am wondering what the purpose is of creating this anxiety.

[forlorn]

Just a thought - and maybe someone who has been on the site for a longer time will have a better answer - but I can't think of a better way to completely derail a person than to separate them from their children.  It's not about what is fair and reasonable.  It's about what's effective.  And if she is trying to bring you to your knees, your kids are the most direct route.  Maybe she her reason for seeking your anxiety is to get you to jump through whatever hoops she wants.  Thoughts?

[waverider]

pwBPD have a habit of "rattling cages" to get a reaction, it takes a quite a while before the realisation that rattling cages achieves nothing. In the meantime you have to suppress your natural urges to react to cage rattling, otherwise the lesson is never learned, and pwBPD are slow learners.

Any change in reaction on your behalf will result in immediate upping the anti, which is called an extinction burst. You need to outlast this before things settle. If the extinction burst is successful in getting you to back down then it reinforces that behaviour for getting you to back down, making it harder for you to enforce anything in the future.

Consistency is always the key

[nofightleft77]

So after all that, I get back from work last Tuesday and with no notification, there she is back at the house with the kids. No explanation other that she doesn't want to disrupt our middle child's routine too much. Then acts as if nothing happened and asks me to take day off to look after kids while she has a medical procedure she'd barely told me about. So I have to be supportive. Turns out she's ok but anything medical she goes crazy about. She hasn't got cancer but is terrified she will get cancer and has started doing her OCD stuff like walking certain routes. And all the stuff between us is as if nothing happened. She has been nice last few days but I have learned not to trust that, which is very sad.

[Gumiho]

She has been nice last few days but I have learned not to trust that, which is very sad.

I'd rather label the outbursts as "sad", anyways let sleeping dogs lie.

If she's that distressed about medical things (it took me one full year to drag my gf to get a lung xray, everything was fine, and that that day she agreed because of a bad flu. She exhibits I don't know what other kinds of sicknesses probably created in her world), what about the kids?

Do they know about mom's procedure?

If so maybe you can take the day off and make it a family event and accompany mom to hosiptal?

[nofightleft77]

Yeah that's what I did. The we went to Legoland on Saturday with the kids.

It's just so hard dealing with her saying all manner of things about me and walking out one week then acting like those things never happened, then needing me to be there for her.

Navigating all this makes my head spin when I am trying to learn how to meet some of my own needs (because I have learned they don't count in this relationship, except for brief, acute moments) and still working through what I accept is or has been a major depressive episode.

I am pretty sure if I got seriously physically ill I would at some point be told to stop being so selfish (I'm not kidding).

I have my first therapy session booked for the 27th, which I hope will start to help.