Scared to file for a custody agreement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exSO, uNPD, and I have been separated for 8 months and we have a d10.  I have tried to have a schedule with him, but he continuously does not take her, brings her back when he feels like it, demands time with her when I have made plans because he chose not to see her for weeks.  I am worried about getting a custody agreement because he always comes out smelling like roses.  He prefers to have 50/50 custody because he is all about money and does not want to pay support, but yet he refuses to follow a schedule.  Any advice?  She has been gone since Friday and he refuses to give her back because he is apparently going on a 2-week vacation and will not see her.  He is still working during the day and his new gf's sister is babysitting.  I am home because I am a teacher and I asked him to bring her home to be with me and he refused.

[helpinghimorme]

My exSO, uNPD, and I have been separated for 8 months and we have a d10.  I have tried to have a schedule with him, but he continuously does not take her, brings her back when he feels like it, demands time with her when I have made plans because he chose not to see her for weeks.  I am worried about getting a custody agreement because he always comes out smelling like roses.  He prefers to have 50/50 custody because he is all about money and does not want to pay support, but yet he refuses to follow a schedule.  Any advice?  She has been gone since Friday and he refuses to give her back because he is apparently going on a 2-week vacation and will not see her.  He is still working during the day and his new gf's sister is babysitting.  I am home because I am a teacher and I asked him to bring her home to be with me and he refused.

[HopefulDad]

You need to file for a custody agreement because you'll go crazy without some kind of structure to follow.  I don't know where you live, but I would suspect a judge there will set temporary custody orders to match the existing informal agreement you have: If D10 is with you most of the time, the judge will keep that as is.  You just need to show emails/texts and whatever other evidence you have to show the status quo.  You also need to insist on right of first refusal regarding in whose care D10 is when your ex is working.  As a mother, you get dibs on caring for D10 while he's working.  If you decline to watch D10 during that time, then your ex can have his gf's sister babysit D10.

[helpinghimorme]

Thank you for the information.  I pleaded with him to bring her home.  He lied and said he took off work, but I found out he is working today.  The police will not help me and I am worried that he will have every excuse in the book when we go to to court.  He always comes out smelling like roses.

[flourdust]

I agree with HopefulDad. Get an attorney and go to either court or a mediator to settle on a custody agreement and parenting schedule. Believe me, these folks have heard all the BS before having dealt with hundreds of these cases. You may or may not get the parenting schedule you prefer, but you will at least get a schedule that tells you when your D10 is supposed to be with which parent. Take the uncertainty and the games out of this.

[Panda39]

Also if you can document all of this obstructive and inconsistent parenting.  It sounds like you talked to the police was there a report filed at all?  Do you have emails or text messages showing his lack of time with your daughter and the agreements for visitation being broken.

Try and show a pattern of his uncooperative behaviors regarding your exchanges.  When you talk to a lawyer talk to him about what kind of consequences you can built into the agreement if he fails to abide by the terms of that agreement.

Start a journal about your interactions with him and save all of your emails with him.

And get a Lawyer and get written custody agreement.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

Police are there to handle immediate incidents or concerns.  Any long term solutions require fixing the disputes in court.  That's what happened when my ex disputed my parenting or exchanges.  At that time we did have a court order but she disputed it.  The police would beg or pressure one of us to give in and then whether successful or not they'd leave saying, "Fix this in court."

There was also a period of time before I had my first divorce hearing.  We had no orders.  Police refused to accompany me for me to retrieve or even see my preschooler.  I was told to come back when I had a court order in hand.  You see, without an order stating otherwise both of us parents had equal but undefined parental rights.  Since she had possession, I was unable to do anything since police wouldn't help me in any way.  However, they did confirm that if I went to her door and she called police, they'd come rushing.  Since I didn't want to face her inventing allegations and me carted off to jail, I waited for the court order.

So you're without orders.  Presumably you both have equal but undefined parental rights.  Since you and he clearly don't agree on parenting issues such as a schedule, then you do need an order from court.  That's not mean nor unreasonable.

Many orders default to a standard format.  Mostly, that's fine but you need to review all the paragraphs.  Beware of boilerplate such as "reasonable telephone contact" or "mutually agreed exchange locations".  You know his reasonable is unreasonable and his mutually agreed isn't really mutually agreed.  Make changes that make sense for how to handle the times he is unreasonable.

One thing you need is to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker authority.  Otherwise, any time he is obstinate and refuses to accommodate you, you'll be stuck.  Seeking DM or TB is practical.  If the judge doesn't see it that way, then (politely) tell the judge you don't wnat to keep returning to court for every little issue.  You want to find ways not to be repeat litigants at court.

Judges and lawyers just assume the conflict is due to the separation and will fade away over time as the emotions calm.  The professionals need to be advised the conflict seen now will persist due to his behavior patterns.

[david]

You need to document what is going on now. Keep a journal in chronological order making sure you put the dates down. Courts look at the last six months so start building your case. Make sure you have copies of any emails/texts/etc. Make sure your replies are minimized to only your daughter and don't get sucked into the arguments. That will also be helpful in court.