Send an email?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been fighting the urge to contact all day... .I'm not going to, but I'm thinking about sending an email to exes mom again, just saying I still think of you guys everyday... .I know it won't matter in the grand scheme of things, but will it do anything positive for me? Like send the cosmos a sign to send my ex a thought to realize she still loves me... .thanks needed to get the crazy out of my mind and onto a screen... .

[Emotions]

I have been fighting the urge to contact all day... .I'm not going to, but I'm thinking about sending an email to exes mom again, just saying I still think of you guys everyday... .I know it won't matter in the grand scheme of things, but will it do anything positive for me? Like send the cosmos a sign to send my ex a thought to realize she still loves me... .thanks needed to get the crazy out of my mind and onto a screen... .

[earlyL]

Hi Emotions,

It is so strange isn't it how writing something out can somehow release the turmoil, even for a short while.

Are you wanting her to come back and say she loves you, is that what you are hoping for? Does it last all the time or only at certain points in the day do you think?

E

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Emotions,

Does her family know and accept she is BPD? Are they also attempting to get her to start working on herself?  How do you think her mom would react?

I was very close to my exes mom, step dad, and grandparents. They are all truly oblivious to the fact that my ex is BPD/NPD. She has fully managed to make them truly whole-heartedly believe that me and every one of her exes are the ones with the problems and she truly tried but in the end we were all too crazy/had issues. Common theme I'm finding.

Her mom loved me to pieces. Took me in as a son and fully treated me as such. She really was rooting for the relationship wanting nothing more than for it to work out. My ex knew this and slowly but surely, right before this last and by far the worst break up, had managed to start training her mom to believe I was the problem. Last time I saw her was the last time I saw my ex. She immediately got excited when she saw me and just as immediately caught her reaction and corrected herself quickly. I guess I can't say whether or not it would have been different if my ex hadn't been standing right there... .but something tells me probably not.

I guess what I'm saying is... .unless you know for sure her family is not oblivious and/or "under her thumb" ... .I wouldn't reconsider reaching out.

I look at this as if it were me. One of a few things would happen:

1. I may get a response that mimics my exes because she truly believes everything her daughter say... .which would be incredibly hurtful. Like I said, she treated me like a son and I did see her as a second mom.

2. She won't respond, but she will tell my ex I reached out. This one is likely considering in the past she had mentioned to my ex when I'd reached out. Don't think it was meant in a bad way... .but all it did was lead to abusive emails/texts warning me to stay away from her mom/family

3. She doesn't respond, I don't get warnings from my ex (that's a positive), but I still end up feeling hurt and overall upset with a "lonely man on the island alone" mentality who's sure arrows are flying aimed at me but I just can't see them

4. I resist the urge to contact her and instead just add her to my NC decision with my ex.

# 2 and 3 would only be turned around and used to validate everything she's said during her smear campaign.

Conclusion: #4 involves fighting the urge... .but 1-3 help fighting it a little easier. I choose 4

[Zemmma]

Emotions:
She won't respond, but she will tell my ex I reached out. This one is likely considering in the past she had mentioned to my ex when I'd reached out. Don't think it was meant in a bad way... .but all it did was lead to abusive emails/texts warning me to stay away from her mom

Wow! Reading these posts reminds me of all the craaaaazzzzzzyyyyy sh@#t I endured. I forgot about the one break up where I sent photos to his mom that I had already printed off for her, of a time we were all together. The photos were of his mom, her hubby and my ex. I obviously did not send any pictures of me. I thought it was a nice gesture- they were beautiful family pics, but WOW did I get warned off (by the ex). And I think the response was something along the lines of, ":)on't you dare try to hurt my mom or turn her against me. You have no idea what she has been through... "

And I was like... "whaaaa?" Why would I... .? huh?

Once again, I feel like he was lashing out at someone or something else from his past and not me.

More weird behaviour I had forgotten.

Reaching out to the mom after a break up may be a little out of bounds. When someone breaks up with us, as tempting as it may be it can put you in a really compromising position to reach out to their family and friends. It's like going over your manager's head at work. Unless of course you were married or in a very serious relationship with the person for a very long time and were in the habit of contacting these people over the course of years (if you had a very personal relationship with the mom that was more than just through the ex). Of course every situation is different, Emotions, but if you are doubting it, its probably not a good idea and could end up with you feeling worse.

[IsThisThingOn]

  And I think the response was something along the lines of, ":)on't you dare try to hurt my mom or turn her against me. You have no idea what she has been through... "

And I was like... "whaaaa?" Why would I... .? huh?

Ohhhh the similarities in responses we both received in regards to reaching out to their moms! 

I also got a little of "it's not fair to involve her in this!" And "my mom wants what's best for me and that's not YOU. Leave her alone. She wants nothing to do with you."

Sad part is... .I'm pretty sure she does. But she'd NEVER go against her daughter

[Emotions]

These are all good points... .I don't believe she would tell my ex, as me and her mom have a relationship independent of my ex... .I basically looked out for her daughter for over 7 years I was willing to marry her, however, it would be unfair to involve me as my ex has moved on, and I don't want to interfere... .AND MORE IMPORTANTLY I would get information that I don't need to hear anyway... .I need to keep moving, I just had to get the craving out of my system by writing it here on BPD family... .thanks for caring guys it really means a lot!

[Emotions]

It's a new day... .I still want to reach out to my ex... .it's like my heart is pouring out inside my head, and it wants to shout WAKE UP K... .! Don't you know how much I love you! It wants to hear it back, or anything for that matter... .I want this feeling to go away... .I am sick and tired of missing her and thinking about her, and it not being the same for her... .I don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat or anything, I just need to get these feelings out because it's not fair how much I have had to feel them lately... .She has NO IDEA how much I miss her. And she doesn't care either... .so I'll just keep crying and writing to you guys because it's all I got ATM... .I have faith that I will get through this, but I'm hoping the sooner the better... .and in the meantime I hope I don't screw it up by calling her or trying to reach out, cause she told me not to anymore... .not that I have anything to lose if I did reach out, but I just want to do the right thing and stay true in my heart... .thanks for listening

[Skip]

You are posting in the Detaching board. Is it the right place for what you want to accomplish?

There is a Saving Board. They could guide you in this endeavor - help you decide if this action helps or inhibits your ability to reconnect.

There is a Conflicted board to discuss your indecision if you are in that place.

[kerbarzorpit]

Emotions,

Do not call her. You said you had nothing to lose, but you do, the three most important things any person in this world has, actually: your dignity, your time and your health. She is gone, she even told you that. The person who loved you was not real. She was a creation of her idealization of you, the circunstances and later the idealization you had of her once she lured you. She is not there anymore. Longing for a ghost will only consume your time in this world, which is precious, and deteriorate your health. Moreover, since her body is still out there, you are trying to reach someone who does not care about you, you feel rejected and you lose dignity further affecting your health.

Mornings are the worst part. There is actually the thread I initiated this month called "Those dreadful mornings". Look it up, the answers I received were very helpful. You do not need someone else to be complete, BPD's do. You are a whole person, face the world like one and look at the future. If she truly loved you that much, then why is she with someone else? If she truly loved you, why she does not want to hear from you? Forget about her looks, nice moments, her words, her promises, they mean nothing now. They are just memories. Look at the facts. Do you want to end your days crying for someone who was sick and was not worth it? Is that your legacy to this world? That is how you would like to be remembered?

It is ironic since I feel exactly like you. I did not hold the NC, answered her e-mails, started to fall again on the inside but told her that for now we could not be together from the outside. Less than one month after her last love e-mail asking me to receive her and get married with her she is shouting on Facebook that she is with someone else (cover phote, public relationship, pictures, you name it) she even went as far as calling the new guy "love of her life". She proved beyond reasonable doubt that she is not worth it, that she only wants someone to save her, but the feelings are still out there. But I say to myself: Internalize the damage, embrace it, take it on the chin, it is the only way.

[Emotions]

So true... .thanks for the wake up call... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Emotions, I'll echo Skip and wonder whether detaching is really your goal at this stage.  Having said that, I'll throw in my $.02 about reaching out to your Ex's M.  I see it as a set-up for disappointment, because it gives your power away to a third party (your Ex's Mom) who is bound to feel conflicted because of her allegiance to her D.  So I don't recommend it, because I doubt it will bring any sort of relief or closure to you.  I also think that, on some level, it's sort of a passive-aggressive way of trying to get a message to your Ex, which is likely to be poorly received.

LuckyJim

[Skip]

BTW don't forget mine after 7.5 years being with me, knew mr wonderful for a month, a month and a half at most, told me to stop texting her and calling her because she doesn't want anything to get in the way of them

If you want to reconcile - don't email her mom. That would be a disaster. You could send mom a birthday card on her birthday if that is what you did before... .otherwise your ex will feel that you are violating her privacy and you're being needy. It won't help you to violate her.

She can be as fickle as a feather in the wind... .

If this is true, and you want to wait the other guy out, it's best to let her come around on her own.

I think it will help to look at the bigger picture. After these break ups, and trauma (in your case the STD), we tend to drop into "depressive thinking distortions". It really helps to try to pull yourself up to the "big picture". 

Why did she move away to begin with?
Why did she think you were staying with her when you moved out there?
Why did you think she knew you were coming home?

Something very significant happened here that you both contributed to. How did this all play out? How were you feeling at the time?

[Emotions]

Hmmmm... .I guess she needed to move out of the house where we were staying, or maybe was feeling emotional at the time, so it was my idea for us to move to Dallas with her mother... .we were living with my dad and he needed eye surgery in 2015 and also 2016... .the nights before his surgery my ex was causing a ruckus,  being loud and overall disrespectful to the situation... .so the relationship between my dad and her started to fall apart after that, passive aggressiveness on both their parts... .I thought it good to move in with her mother and see if I/we could get better support with my exes disorder... .I did lie to her (which I completely regret and have learned NO MATTER WHAT to be honest at all cost) in the sense that she thought I was staying from the time we moved down there. I needed to reconcile with my father (and I'm thankful I did) and close up shop so to speak with my job and house, as well as set some boundaries for myself... .she was hurt and said she couldn't trust me because of this... .as began to go out with other guys... .she apparently fell in love with one while I was gone and here we are now... .