Struggling with being public enemy no.1...for the 5th time.

[Stripey77]

Even though I have been going through this mind bending experience for the last 2 years,  and I have got stronger and stronger, and better at coping, the living horror of what I am being put through has never subsided enough for me to actually heal and move on.  As I write, I find myself yet again at the receiving end of a prolonged ST, but as some of you will know, I don't just get silence, I get totally and utterly ghosted. Somehow my ex is able to stonewall me to the extent that he can actually pretend I am not there. Previous cycles of this have included him practically barging past me in the street and as long as he is able to not make eye contact with me, this is something he's got down to a fine art.  The reaction of others when they witness this is, understandably, one of disgust, anger, stupified as to how he can do it to me, but it really is as if he's stepped outside of himself and gone into another zone. Each of these STs has been precipitated by an external incident, someone (usually me) said or did something he didn't like and the reaction has been to entirely ghost me, sometimes for as many as 5-6 months. We live and work in a tiny town with many, many mutual friends and although I have a huge support network, the fact is that the pain of being treated as if you were dead by the one person above all you want to speak to, is immense.

Last year when I was going through this with him in a separate ST, I ended up with legs shaking and feeling helpless and faint, such was the physiological reaction to my body. Now, although it is deeply deeply uncomfortable and I still cry alone later, I have been able to stand right next to him or in the same bar or vicinity as he has looked right through me. In the latest incident of this happening on Sunday afternoon, he made a huge show of sitting with and talking to 2 other women he knows. It fooled no one. I turned my back on him to show no reaction, whilst his own best friend stood and talked to me and looked on in disgust.  He has already told her (the friend) that if she speaks to me he will stop talking to her, but she told him to take a hike because I am a nice person.

I guess I'm writing all this because I am struggling. Even though I've been through this approximately 4 times before, and every time it has ended at his instigation, just as suddenly as it was started, it doesn't make it hurt any less. I can't work out whether he is doing this deliberately and maliciously to inflict as much pain as he possibly can, or if it is a BPD defence mechanism. I am sure that it is learnt behaviour and that someone showed HIM in his formative years that this is how to show your displeasure with someone or to deal with emotional conflict. As to whether he knows the pain he is inflicting, I don't know.  Even though I know that past history and our whole 'relationship' tells me that in all likelihood he will end this ST as well and one day want to speak to me, it doesn't make it hurt less. The animosity and anger is entirely one sided.  I can function in the day, I can laugh with friends and colleagues and I can run my life quite successfully. But this doesn't mean I don't cry at night or feel as if I'm in a living hell, totally orchestrated by one person. Above all I struggle to comprehend ever getting out of this feeling, of finding someone else, of having a healthy relationship. Even though logically, I think these things will happen, and I am doing so so much better than in the past with this, in my darker moments, I just want everything to end. Everything. Because I don't want to be alone anymore, which is ultimately what this has left me.

Between the months of October/November, when he very suddenly ended his last ST to me, and around April this year, we had a kind of fragile friendship, I suppose... .he was dropping in to see me at work, liking posts on an Instagram account I was running, chatting to me in the street, and sometimes, being my lover again. When he chose, of course. But holding me at arm's length, telling me that he can't give me my expectations (as a bf) and that I am one of the most important people to him here, he can't lose me from his life, that I am a wonderful person... .etc. etc. Wonderful, but obviously not as wonderful as I was before when he was head over heels in love with me.  Still, I trod very carefully in the hope that as he warmed more and more toward me, that he might open up more and we could be close again.

All of this came crashing down when I found him kissing another woman (who I happened to know a little) in a bar, and I confronted him. For once I was angry... .not to mention dismayed. And now the man who had been telling me he can't lose me has totally and utterly ghosted me yet again. He's found more things to block me on and has done so.  He is pretending I am dead. Somehow, I have been made the villain of the piece in his eyes, which is both staggering and ironic... .he is the only man I've been with these 2 years.

I know all of this will get better in time because I am detaching more every time. And I know that it is quite likely he will suddenly decide he wants to know me again one day... .not that I'm waiting for that.  But it still hurts, a great deal. And most of all, I find it so so so hard to be painted as his no.1 enemy. I guarantee if you were to ask him what I have done to deserve this, he would have no answer. I am not the only person to suffer this behaviour from him, I've just discovered he even did it to his 'best friend and sister' for a few days. But a few days... .not several months. For some reason, I seem to ignite the most violent of reactions from him, above all others. I am painted the most black, I am the  most hated, I am blocked on everything. Yet what did I do? All I have ever done is love him, something he is well aware of. When he is being more lucid and wants to know me, he is the first to list all the things he likes about me.

It just makes me so so sad that the man of my dreams who used to gaze at me with adoration, and who I trusted with my heart so much that I fell more deeply in love than ever in my life, can literally pretend I am not there. Even when I am standing next to him.  It is fascinating, it is surreal, but it's also the strangest and saddest thing I've been through in my life.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Stripey,

It must be so difficult for you to live in a small community with someone who is treating you this way, and make it feel hard to escape from.  I feel for you.  It's great to hear however that you are functioning OK at work etc, which is a definite plus.  It's no surprise that it hits you afterwards though.  I have a 3 year old, so maintain the persona of happy bubbly fun mummy whilst we're together and it's after he goes to his father's or to bed at night that everything hits me; I have the opportunity to be with my feelings and work slowly through them.

I have got stronger and stronger, and better at coping, the living horror of what I am being put through has never subsided enough for me to actually heal and move on.

I believe the answers are inside of us all.  What do you think that you need to do differently or change in order to allow yourself to heal and move on?  Is that what you truly want to do?  What stops you?  Be really honest with yourself.

I don't want to be alone anymore, which is ultimately what this has left me.

It sounds like you're already realising something that drives you back into this dysfunctional relationship here.  Have you always felt this way deep down and if so, where do you think that stems from?  I ask because I've realised through my BPD relationship some things about myself that have driven me to make poor decisions that didn't serve me throughout my life and have had destructive results for me.  That is something I'm going to be working on in therapy now and solving so that I can ensure this 'baggage' isn't holding me back in life any more.  So that I can make healthy choices and maintain healthy boundaries then a healthy happy relationship in time can be possible for me.  I'd like to see the same as possible for all of us picking ourselves up from these relationships.  Something brought us here and it's down to us to recognise that and learn from it so that we might grow and benefit instead of continuing the cycle of suffering.

Something I want to say to you Stripey is this.  You are worth it.  You are worth respect, genuine love and care.  Everyone is.  Please tell yourself this in the mirror repeatedly.

Just in case you've not yet explored all of the brilliant articles, lessons and tools here, I'm going to drop links to two of my favourites that helped me so much in the beginning of my detaching journey.  If you're ready, I'd recommend them both as good reads to maybe help you in some of the questions we ask in the late hours when the pain is high.  I hope they are helpful to you too.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

You're doing great at showing strength for his benefit when you see him in public by the sounds of it.  Now it's time to find that strength for your own benefit.

Love and light x

[insideoutside]

I'm constantly public enemy all the time too; luckily I don't live near him otherwise I guess I would experience similar to what you are.  Back in the day when were girlfriend/boyfriend and I had 'upset' him he would walk past me in bars and clubs as if I were a ghost. These days its the dreaded silent treatment.  He also cheated on me and I caught him red handed planning to meet up with a girl whilst telling me he had football training that night and I turned up one night to find he had another girl in his bed.  So in 25 years nothing really has changed in the way he treats me; although now not romantically involved.

[Stripey77]

Hey folks    and thanks for your responses... .

I have unfortunately been on this forum a little while since my life inexplicably unraveled at the end of summer 2015 and I went from a cherished and adored girlfriend to persona non grata overnight... .and since then I've been caught in a seemingly endless cycle of being friend/lover/hated as described above. There was even one classic textbook recycle, although I didn't know that that's what it was at the time.  So, rather sadly, I am also quite read up on the ins and outs of what's happened to me and what I can probably expect next. My ex cuts me dead to the point that you would think watching him that I had done something truly heinous to him and that he will never speak to me again. But every time, to date he has. Who knows if he will ever acknowledge me again, but past history will suggest that he almost certainly will. He's certainly making a show of himself right now, that's for sure.

What I struggle with is the why? What did I do to deserve such treatment? How can he act as if he hates me and I am the devil incarnate? How can he shift from love to hate to love to hate to friendship to hate... .it's just unreal. I struggle with remembering that I didn't do anything to actually warrant it other than to remove the mask and see what lies beneath. Logically of course I know the person he really hates is himself. I know he doesn't hate me, I know he knows that I am a good person.

He didn't actually cheat on me as we are not together but he knows what he's done - still being my occasional lover and essentially keeping me on the backburner as an option just in case he suddenly changed his mind. Of course the fault is mine for letting him,, but of course I don't switch my feelings on and off like a light switch. I was the one, as with all of you, left high and dry with all my feelings whilst simultaneously being vilified. And because he knows he's treated me appallingly, I think he is quite simply too ashamed to even look at me. Easier to demonise me... .based on... .nothing.

Do I want to detach? No. Do I have to? Yes. If I want to save my own sanity.  What I have been striving for all this time is a friendship - to be comfortable walking around town, to not be like this. Not my choice, I never wanted us to split up in the first place. I would have accepted a friendship instead of nothingness, which is hell.

When I say I don't want to be alone, this is only because I am a healthy and attractive woman in her late 30s (just!) whose friends are almost now without exception married/with children, and who wants the same for herself, at least to be in a loving  relationship. This is not because I can't be alone, I can. I've chosen to be since him... .despite plenty of male interest. It's  because it's a basic human want and need, I have so much love to give and think I deserve the same.
 

[happendtome]

When I say I don't want to be alone, this is only because I am a healthy and attractive woman in her late 30s (just!) whose friends are almost now without exception married/with children, and who wants the same for herself, at least to be in a loving  relationship. This is not because I can't be alone, I can. I've chosen to be since him... .despite plenty of male interest. It's  because it's a basic human want and need, I have so much love to give and think I deserve the same.
 

You shouldnt look what others are doing and you should also stop thinking that its basic human want to have relationship and kids. Its nothing wrong to be single nowadays.
If you are making "being in relationship" to your top priority then you could make one of the biggest mistakes in your life.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Stripey,

I have so much love to give and think I deserve the same

My advice is to give that love to yourself.  Turn it inwards.  When you have achieved self love you will be in a healthier position to pursue a new relationship and will attract someone who sees YOU, not a vulnerable person who is an ideal supply or convenience, which is what an orbiter basically is.  Unfortunately your ex has BPD and isn't capable emotionally of giving you what you truly want and need.  Look after yourself and consider whether having a friendship with this man would actually be good or bad for you long term.

Love and light x

[Stripey77]

Hi again guys

No. I am single and have been some time. It's only natural to see others paired off and want the same, and besides which, it's 100% genuinely what i want for myself. I never said there's anything wrong with being single. But it's not how I wish to spend the rest of my life. I really truly believe that these days people are almost shamed for saying that they want to be in a relationship and that it matters to them. Too many instagram memes promoting being happy alone... .well I am fine alone, self sufficient with a vast network of friends both here in Spain and in the UK. But I would like very much to be in a loving relationship. That's all. X

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Stripey-

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.  I can literally FEEL that all he's done to you comes shooting to your surface each time you see him.  Harley Quinn says a LOT when she's telling you to turn your love inward.  That IS a difficult thing to do, but it may be time for you to choose yourself.

Sometimes in these relationships we unknowingly take on a good amount of self-loathing because we just can't seem to keep these partners "happy".  Sadly, you won't find the answer to what you've done "wrong".  There's likely no answer.  The reality may be that pure love may just be unsettling to him; but who can say that?  Who would even KNOW that?  We're not inside their heads, so we'll never know what's being tossed around in there.  And for that matter, no one knows what's being tossed around in OUR heads.

Obviously we cannot speak for all people with BPD traits, or all PEOPLE for that matter, but not everyone wants what we want.  I'm trying to take a more "sensible" approach to things, and believe me, Stripey, that is NOT my nature.  Taking a sensible approach betrays my heart!  But how I've been living for 59 years has brought lots of heartache... .and after finding this forum a month and a half ago, I took a DEEP DIVE.  OUCH!  I can see me now.

There are no simple explanations for any of this, but you are in pain, plain and simple.  And I am sorry to say this, but he is not going to take that away... .but you can do things to ease your pain.  Please see one thing.  When we (and I do mean the collective "we" forgive certain behaviors over and over, we ARE granting permission for that behavior to be repeated.  Over and over.  No matter how painful that behavior has been to us.  It's up to us to forgive OURSELVES for what we've allowed.  I am working through my self-loathing, and am finding pieces of self-respect.  And it's up to us to allow a graceful exit.  And "friendship"?  I don't know about you, but I hold my true friends to a pretty high standard, much higher than I've held my ex-husband or past lover.

You are ALLOWED to cry however many tears you must, acknowledge you did your best with him and allow him become a memory.  Perhaps you can take some past photos, write some things down, and create a "memory book" - something symbolic to start this new journey.  You are allowed to do what is best for you. 

I don't intend to be "in your face" or cold about this.  I say this with compassion and a loving heart.  Stripey, you are the only person who is entitled to grant you permission to heal and live your life.  Please take a quiet moment and think about it.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Stripey77]

Thanks all.

I am not trying to get back with him even though I miss him... .the him I fell in love with and who I've seen flashes off from time to time.  I miss that man a great deal. Like everyone here, I'm sure, I wish I could wave a magic wand and have him back. It's probably much as people feel when they are bereaved of a partner. No, what I am trying to do is find the tools with coping with him stonewalling and ghosting me. I am managing much much better - when it happens I am not jelly-legged and tasting alarm in my mouth anymore. I can actually style it out and stay put as he disregards me. It's later the dark feelings get me. It is just so staggering and stupefying, and surreal. And logically I know there is every chance (as I already noted) that he will suddenly one day just want to speak to me again as if nothing happened. It's just reminding myself that I'm not deserving of any punishment (if that's what this is?) and that I am the good, loving and rational person in all of this. Even his own now ex friends (who hate him, incidentally) told me just this week that I have lost nothing and that he's crazy.  But knowing all of this does not alleviate the pain when I'm home alone. Unless you have been totally disregarded, looked through and ghosted by the person you loved the most in the world, it is impossible to understand that pain. It is cruel beyond measure. I don't know if it's malicious and intentional, or if he is simply withdrawing into himself, but it's all pretty much irrelevant. The fact is, it hurts and it's hard to understand.

I was in a bar with my friend last night when he popped in for a minute - I saw him out of the corner of my eye but I didn't even glance in his direction. My friend told me he was looking at me though.  And yet, if I'd caught his eye, I know he would have just looked away.

[insideoutside]

My PWBPD is only a friend, but someone I cared about deeply and he too does the ST and it's so hurtful.  He hasn't spoken to me in 15 weeks; not sure he ever will again so I understand your pain.  ST and ghosting is something I've never experienced before and never want to experience again.

[Stripey77]

Have you been through it before with him,  insideout? I only ask because this is the 4th or 5th time he's subjected me to this. It usually lasts for around 3-4 months, the longest was 5-6. It's been him every single time who has suddenly started talking to me again. I am so very very tired. There is every chance your friend will talk to you again... .just brace yourself for any possibility. I'd actually be more surprised if mine never speaks to me again than if he does. Anything is possible of course, I'm simply going on his track record.  There is a difference between not talking to someone/calling them etc. and actually downright ignoring them in their presence and pretending they're not there. At least twice in the last few weeks he's been observed by my friends staring at me though. And as I wrote earlier, he still has me on WhatsApp and not blocked. This is his chosen method of communication so although I am blocked on almost everything, yet not on this, I think the chances are fairly high of him suddenly coming out of this dark spell one day. It's just coping with the public humiliation and the hurt in the meantime.

[insideoutside]

Yeah lots; lost count.  Mines also in a 3-4 month cycle before things start going wrong followed by 3-4 months of silence.  I was convinced he was trying to get my attention on Facebook recently as each time I blocked him he created a new profile.  I did contact him and ask him if he was doing it for my benefit and if so if he wants to speak then to just speak to me.  Nothing.  Message went unread which he probably did read but wasn't going to let me know that so I blocked him again as soon as the 48 hours was up.  I'm also very tired of it.  We both said some cruel things last time we text which I'm sorry for but it was in retaliation into hurtful things he said and frustrations over the push pull that's been ongoing along with the silent treatment since we got back in touch 2 years ago.

I do know how you feel.  I feel sad today knowing it's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do to change it and have to accept whatever will be will be.  Meanwhile he's probably enjoying the sun and I've not crossed his mind.

[Stripey77]

... .in which case, try to remain positive, if you want to hear from him again, and he has a habit of doing this, then in all likelihood, he will. We just don't know, but... .

One thing I would ask though, is why have you blocked him? Blocking isn't going to alleviate silent treatment because you've made yourself unavailable, surely?

[insideoutside]

I've blocked him because the last time we texted and he was in a rage he said he would contact my husband and make trouble for me.  My Facebook is locked down to bare minimum but of course cover photos are set to public and my husband likes them no matter what so can be found.  I don't think he would contact my husband and if he did not sure what he could say to make trouble as my husband knows all about him but it's just other stress I don't need if he did.

He's not blocked on my mobile or email so could get hold of me if he really wanted to.

[eggfry]

Thanks all.
And logically I know there is every chance (as I already noted) that he will suddenly one day just want to speak to me again as if nothing happened. It's just reminding myself that I'm not deserving of any punishment (if that's what this is?) and that I am the good, loving and rational person in all of this. Even his own now ex friends (who hate him, incidentally) told me just this week that I have lost nothing and that he's crazy.  But knowing all of this does not alleviate the pain when I'm home alone. Unless you have been totally disregarded, looked through and ghosted by the person you loved the most in the world, it is impossible to understand that pain. It is cruel beyond measure. I don't know if it's malicious and intentional, or if he is simply withdrawing into himself, but it's all pretty much irrelevant. The fact is, it hurts and it's hard to understand.

That's the worst that the moods and the hate they have towards you can just one day switch off and suddenly they're back to being this loving person you once knew. And it's almost like they never hated you in the first place. I'm right there with you. It's painful, lonely and you miss the person you love. Even if today he's hating me I know that it'll be a matter of time before he just shows up on my doorstep, even when they're the ones that are quitting and leaving. You don't deserve that. You do deserve to be loved and acknowledged. Wanted and respected. You're worthy of all those things and to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

I'm sorry that you're enduring this for another time. It's unfair, cruel and emotionally draining. And to be doing it in public and giving you the ST. For the animosity to be one sided as well, it's a really helpless place to be in. Interesting how he left a foot in the door to contact you on his terms. As much as he's trying to announce that he's done with you or leaving you he's still leaving a way back to you.

[Stripey77]

Hi eggfry,

Yes he has always left me unblocked on that. Even today I saw him looking at me at work and he was on the beach. At the weekend he saw me twice and ignored me, but was seen looking at me.

Last year during an EPIC heart to heart he ended a horrendous 6 months' ST which was just like this one, except I was terrified of seeing him in those days because it hurt so much. And during that conversation, he told me that the reason he had blocked  me on everything was because he didn't want a reminder of me/to see me... .It's interesting, because we infer our own meanings onto things... I thought he did it all out spite and to hurt me so I couldn't see him. That's why we have to be so careful not to apply blanket notions to all people with BPD, or assume we know what their intentions are. We don't. I do think my ex blocks me to give himself some feeling of control or power as well. But you quite right, he has left a door open. The same one he always leaves open.

His most recent trick is to actually not read my message... .I tried to send him one as I often do in an effort to be normal even when he is so erratic and unkind. For the first time ever, he has not read it. It's gone to his phone but he didn't read it. He also didn't block me. I have dropped any attempt to contact and am once again reflecting his silence. It is so sad.

I think the difference THIS time is that he was found kissing someone else and the mask well and truly fell off. How does he come back from that? I think he's angry with me for finding out what lies beneath... .the person he secretly hates the most. His true self.

I also think it is very likely he will approach me one day when enough time has elapsed or he realises that I've given up.

I feel better these last 2 days than I have for 22 months. I am trying to turn the other cheek and focus on me.  It is what it is, I am very sad about it, but ultimately he is the loner and the lonely one, and on a back foot. I am just getting on with things and forcing myself to put it at least partially to the back of my mind.

Thanks all, I'll keep you posted as to if/when he breaks his silence. I suspect that's 'when'.

[eggfry]

His most recent trick is to actually not read my message... .I tried to send him one as I often do in an effort to be normal even when he is so erratic and unkind. For the first time ever, he has not read it. It's gone to his phone but he didn't read it. He also didn't block me. I have dropped any attempt to contact and am once again reflecting his silence. It is so sad.

I think the difference THIS time is that he was found kissing someone else and the mask well and truly fell off. How does he come back from that? I think he's angry with me for finding out what lies beneath... .the person he secretly hates the most. His true self.

I also think it is very likely he will approach me one day when enough time has elapsed or he realises that I've given up.

I feel better these last 2 days than I have for 22 months. I am trying to turn the other cheek and focus on me.  It is what it is, I am very sad about it, but ultimately he is the loner and the lonely one, and on a back foot. I am just getting on with things and forcing myself to put it at least partially to the back of my mind.

Thanks all, I'll keep you posted as to if/when he breaks his silence. I suspect that's 'when'.

Oh the games we play. I really hope that he learns how to cordial towards you, so you both can live you lives. But never that easy, right? Wow it seems like you keep running into him often. Small town? That has gotta be rough... .Keep your head high.  I think it was mentioned before that they tend to gravitate towards people they admire or want to be like. You have a lot of strength in you, to be working on yourself and keeping your head up throughout this ordeal. Who knows the true motivation behind the ST, but from my own experience it's often after he's done something unkind or crazy and is trying to distance himself from me to keep me safe in his own way. That he's trying to keep me from seeing the person that he can potentially be (the darker person) and doesn't want to me to have to endure the way he treats me when he's like that. Perhaps your ex is thinking he's doing something good for you by keeping you at a distance, but also doesn't realize it hurts you too. Just a hypothesis.

[Stripey77]

It's a very good one, eggfry, your ex sounds remarkably similar to mine. In more lucid moments my ex has told me that I should 'forget and hate' him, that he doesn't deserve me, that the darkness in his brain took over, that I didn't do anything wrong... .yet he treats me like the pariah who did something wrong when he does this. It's almost breathtaking to watch. I am effectively living like a ghost as far as he is concerned... .well we are ghosts to one another. I liken it to being haunted because when my ex does this, I effectively have to deal with seeing someone who looks, walks and talks like the man I fell in love with, who told just a few months back that he can't lose me from his life, completely and utterly disregarding me.  If someone is bereaved, that is of course horrific and sad, but we also know that it is final. You don't expect to hear from that person because it's an impossibility. In this scenario, it is indeed as if he has died, but the physical part of him is still alive and kicking, and walking around town. How can you see the person you were in love with and cope with them pretending that they have never even clapped eyes on you? It has indeed taken all of my strength and willpower. It nearly took my sanity, but not anymore, especially as this has happened so many times now.

Yes, it's a small town, but not so so small that I couldn't take some steps to avoid seeing him... .although as I say he was right outside my work yesterday so pretty unavoidable.  But then again, as we have so many mutual friends and move in some similar circles... .why on earth should I avoid all of them, all the places I like, and our main streets, just to make things more comfortable?  I am getting better and better and pretending that it isn't bothering me... .and in some ways, it doesn't to the same extent, not least of all because it's happened so many times now.

I do think he may be trying to protect me sometimes, but on the other hand, he lashes out like a little boy would in the playground, instructing his friends that they are not to speak to me or pay me any regard if they see me out and about. So far everyone has done the complete opposite, probably because they are grown adults who think I'm a nice person, and not 5 year olds ganging up against someone.  So the only person ignoring and looking through me, is him,  and he really is starting to look very silly.

It is all just too sad.

[Stripey77]

BTW I should add: He CAN be cordial to me, more than cordial, for months at a time. But he also completely muddies the waters by being intimate with me and effectively keeping me dangling as part time lover, kind of friend. And each time so far, it has then imploded horribly, at his instigation, because something happened that he didn't like or someone said something he didn't like, and bang! I am back to square one, cut off, disregarded, a ghost. Until he speaks to me again. He finds his footing over the course of a few weeks and then slowly but surely, makes his way back to being closer and closer to me.  The last time, this phase went on for around 6 months with him telling me that he's not my happiness, that he can't give me my expectations, but that he doesn't want to lose me from his life because I'm so important to him. Knowing I am in love with him and want the r/s back as it was, he sleeps with me. And then something happens and he cuts me off, completely.

Putting to one side the obvious onus on me to be the one to say no and take back control, it is extraordinarily difficult to turn down the one person you have loved and desire most in the world, and who you want nothing more than to be with. And so the whole vicious cycle starts up again. I feel at times, totally and utterly trapped. I know it's going no where, but I miss him, what we had... .and then he throws crumbs and gets my hopes up, and then runs away again. This is why, however black I am painted and however much I am hated right now, I feel fairly sure that he will talk to me again. I could be wrong, but it seems very likely. Even if he's tell himself he hates me at the moment.

I would dearly love to find someone else, and I am getting much much stronger. I'm getting better at ignoring the being ignored. I am pragmatic and know that the r/s is sadly over, at his instigation, not my choice. So I have to find a way to move on, although I worry that that will hurt him (ludicrous, I know.) I've blown 2 years of my life on this as it is and want and deserve so much more.  But I have yet to have found anyone else who has come close to interesting me. I can almost bet that when I finally give up completely and show signs of having got over him, he will want to pull me back in.  So then maybe he will be cordial to me once again.