DS wants to help others and I think I know why I

[Lollypop]

Hi  

So my DS has had his first therapy session. He's also responded very well to my demonstrations of loving support and validating comments when we speak with each other. He's very self aware, quite analytical and has learnt a lot. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. He now sees himself as a bit of an expert. He thinks he can help his friends.

He's diagnosing everybody and very judgmental about just about everybody, including his only real friend.

This behaviour has intensified since my DS has distanced himself from his own GF as they're on a "break".  My DS is on top form, super confident and Thinks he has the answer for everything and everyone. . The break came because my DS's GF has s lot of issues and he tried desperately to fix her, to the detriment of his own mental health and well being.

He's moved from trying to fix her to now fix others. He believes his friends are so unhappy and that he can help them.

BEst friend (perceived doomed 6 year personal relationship)
Old friend (perceived problem with alcohol and she's not truly happy)
Drug dealer - My DS is acting as a mentor, nobody understands how bad the dealer feels about his beating up the GF because of his cocaine habit) (can you hear me sigh?)
Drug dealers very young son - my DS sees he's neglected and tries to help
Old friend who's life is in a complete mess - my DS tries mentoring and giving him financial advice

The list goes on.

Why does my DS try to fix?

I think it's because he's seen me spend years trying to fix him. I believe it's a learnt behaviour. Of course I could be wrong and it's more to do with his BPD traits, superiority and hyper sensitivity to others feelings.

I gently encourage him to focus on himself and his problems. I've tried challenging him on some of this but he's not listening. He's bullish.

I try and get on with my own life and take better care of myself so he can see what that looks like.

I'm sighing. I don't like the black/white thinking, He's so rigid.

I can't wait to see if therapy irons out a few of these problems.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dubiousraves]

My BPD daughter is the same. She desperately wants to save her friends and BF from their problems. I think its a BPD thing. I think part of it is responding to the emptiness they feel inside by filling up the space with other people's feelings. One day my daughter got angry at us about something that her BF's parents had done to him. We pointed out that we did not do this thing to her that she was mad about, it was the BF parents who did it to him. She was embarrassed and cried afterwards when she realized she made this weird mental switch.

She also gets very upset if her friends decline to be saved. Maybe they derive a sense of self-worth from helping others. Or maybe its easier to focus on other people's problems than their own. I don't know.

[Lollypop]

Hi dubiousraves

Maybe they derive a sense of self-worth from helping others.

I think we all do don't we. Being able to help others is therapeutic and increases confidence. You hit the nail on the head that sometimes you just can't help others and my DS gets upset too if he can't make others see what their problem (in his view!).

It's hilarious really. I've spent years trying to get him to see my Own wisdom (ha!) but he just doesn't listen. That's the truth he'll have to learned I did.  We can't change other people, only ourselves. All his efforts are just wasted energy. He may lose some friends along the way as he's just so vocal about his opinions.

Respecting others decisions about how they choose to live their own lives and accepting it is just very difficult. He gets very frustrated as he sees his best friend conforming and growing up. My DS resists as always.

You've got me pondering  about the differences  between "help", "fix" and "support". 

You're right, it's easier to focus on others than yourself.

How old is your daughter?

LP

[wendydarling]

LP, sounds like it's keeping him busy, as you say it'll be interesting to see how therapy goes when the focus is on himself, and what reflections, learning, changes he takes forwards. Is he interested in his personal growth?

Since dx and DBT DD's stood back from a number of relationships where people's expectations of her  did not match what she was able and prepared to give. She's much more thoughtful and instead of jumping into save and being enmeshed in others lives, waits till she approached for advice, which is it's ok to seek help. She's very aware of her black and white thinking and to be honest she's so focused on using her energy managing her BPD, less room for much else.

WDx