Understanding How They Became This Way

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello Everyone. I am about 2-3 Months NC at this point and I wanted to share something that really helped me.

Understanding that my partner had BPD really helped me come to terms that I was not dealing with a normal healthy individual. The more research I did, i learned my ex was a quiet borderline which is why she hid from me for so long. I started reading "Understanding The Borderline Mother" which breaks down the moms into 4 groups: Waifs, The Queen, The Hermit and The Witch. This book really helped me move forward by understanding the family dynamic and up bringing that my ex grew up in that pushed her to become the quiet borderline that I knew. The book was spot on when talking about her mom. 

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Their is an audio book on Itunes as well !  Anyway, I hope this helps some of you find closure and understand how they became

[kramer598]

Hello Everyone. I am about 2-3 Months NC at this point and I wanted to share something that really helped me.

Understanding that my partner had BPD really helped me come to terms that I was not dealing with a normal healthy individual. The more research I did, i learned my ex was a quiet borderline which is why she hid from me for so long. I started reading "Understanding The Borderline Mother" which breaks down the moms into 4 groups: Waifs, The Queen, The Hermit and The Witch. This book really helped me move forward by understanding the family dynamic and up bringing that my ex grew up in that pushed her to become the quiet borderline that I knew. The book was spot on when talking about her mom. 

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Their is an audio book on Itunes as well !  Anyway, I hope this helps some of you find closure and understand how they became

[Harley Quinn]

Hi kramer,

Thanks for sharing something that has really helped you.  I think you make a very important point here, and one that I often had to remind myself towards the end of my relationship.  That a person suffering from BPD is not a normal healthy individual, and therefore my expecting the type of responses I might get from a normal healthy individual was actually quite nuts on my part.  It took away a lot of the anguish, the why does he do/say that to me? type questions, the confusion around behaviours that just didn't fit with the situation.  Reality is, he wasn't capable of fitting in with the expectations that I would have of a normal healthy individual.  Something we can all remind ourselves of from time to time.

Love and light x

[Emotions]

Is it possible to be more than one type of borderline?

[Harley Quinn]

Is it possible to be more than one type of borderline?

I saw all of the types in my exBPDbf, although he was at the extreme end of the spectrum so I don't know if that's a factor.  I'd be interested to hear what kramer has to say on this. 

Love and light x

[JQ]

@Kramer,

BRAVO~!    YOU have done what many others struggle with in the group. YOU have learned that your respective pwBPD has a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that will affect them for the duration of their life & everyone who is part of their life. I really ... .REALLY commend you on your research into this. I commend you on wanting to find out why she was the way she was, you learned why, and more importantly I believe is that you REALIZED that they were a very broken person. And yes it is part of how you approach your own healing and came to the reality like Harley Quinn says, That a person suffering from BPD is not a normal healthy individual, and therefore my expecting the type of responses I might get from a normal healthy individual was actually quite nuts on my part.  

And as Harley Q points out it takes away a lot of the anguish & pain from the NON.     BUT ... .now that you know what you do about BPD r/s ... .what have you learned about yourself? What have you learned about you that makes you attracted to this type of person? I believe this is the other side of the NON vs BPD r/s coin.  In order to prevent yourself from getting into another BPD r/s you have to know the answers to those questions and a few more.

Thank you for sharing the book ... .it's going to assist a few others in their journey.

In regards to the question that Emotions asked ... .in my research & talking with a Mental Health Clinical Therapist dear friend of mine almost on a daily basis about mental health & her experiences it isn't a black & white question. A person can be diagnosed with a core personality disorder such as BPD but can also have "Comorbidity" personality disorders & or other behaviors. A person can be diagnosed with BPD but also have others personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder in varying levels of severity & in any combination.  

I believe that one of the things that help people learn about BPD is that it's really and I mean REALLY beyond them to "Fix/repair/manage/help with/ is to realize that even Mental Health Professionals with a lot of initials behind their name can't fix it. As one Doctor friend of mine told me "these are VERY seriously broken people." MRI & other studies are showing that this to be true.

The one thing that he told me is to work on myself & find out why I was a codependent / rescuer / perfectionist that I was since these are "learned behaviors" and not really a mental illness. I did, I dove into my childhood & learned why I was and then things really started to fall into place even more so to complement what I learned about BPD. Those TWO things have led me to a much better place in my life without dealing with the flying monkey's my past BPD r/s came with. I truly believe that if the NON's in the group would do those TWO things that they would heal much faster & start living their life for themselves & be much happier in life.

J

[once removed]

Is it possible to be more than one type of borderline?

the archetypes (witch/queen/waif/hermit/etc) are generalized personality profiles that model some of the ways that BPD traits can manifest differently. mathematically speaking, there are 256 combinations of BPD.

really, all of this serves to point out that each individual is unique, and our relationships more complex than a personality profile, but they can be a useful tool if we use them as such. 

a word of caution, though: most of our exes are not clinically BPD, but have traits. our struggles represent two unhealthy parties.

[lovenature]

Another book I found very helpful in understanding how a person develops BPD is "The Search for the Real Self", after reading it I understood just how truly sad their behaviour really is. I believe this book can really help those that are stuck in the anger stage.

[roberto516]

It's a worthwhile post. Understanding her helps me at times to not be so angry at her. One of my mantra's in life for the past 5 years has been "You can't hate someone you pity." And I don't mean pity in the bad sense. I mean that if you view someone as scared, afraid, lost, and a emotional child then it's hard to really be upset with them. I guess what I'm really saying is "You can't hate someone you have empathy for."

I wish I had figured it out sooner though so that I could have been better for her. But I remind myself that I am my own human too with feelings and emotions that deserve validation. I am also a hurt child and why should I be the only one in a relationship to know that and try my best?

But I see how her mom still belittles her when she's angry with her. I remember how my ex would emotionally crumble when she thought her parents were upset with her. How she would confide in me and run to me for support after those things. A 35 year old woman being called a disappointment by her mother.

I can only imagine the childhood where she had a mother who was emotionally unpredictable. Growing up in a home where her dad worked all the time and she had two step siblings who were in their middle teens when she was just a toddler. I can only imagine the emotional abandonment she felt/still feels. I felt so bad to see her be so different with her family. This person who would sacrifice for family and never turn them down. I saw a grown adult trying so desperately to belong to something that she felt she wasn't a part of.

I remember watching her impulsive decisions and purchases in an attempt just to find a purpose in life. It breaks my heart. But she can't be saved. She doesn't have the insight. A part of me hopes she finds a real wealthy man who can just spoil her. and make the relationship all about her. But as my therapist said, "Someone who is successful and wealthy probably has enough self-respect that they wouldn't put up with her behaviors and lack of giving. So she will find someone just as emotionally damaged and push/pull with him until someone gives up." It's what happened with us and it will happen again for her.

But I, as we all do, have a choice to learn from this. To embrace my hurt child and have compassion for myself. To even have empathy for myself which is something I didn't realize I was neglecting. I might not be able to save her from a life of emotional hurt and destruction but I can save myself. And that's all that matters. I have to live with me the rest of my life.