Recycling question

[kc sunshine]

Hi all!

I've been through several cycles of being in relationship with my BPD ex over the past four years. I'm wondering if anyone was able to successfully stabilize and remain together after the break up/get back together pattern had been established. If so, was it circumstances that changed or was it your approach to the relationship that changed?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi kc,

Unfortunately I do not have any experience with this. Are you currently back together with your pwBPD or separated?

[IsThisThingOn]

Hi Kc,

Hi all!

I've been through several cycles of being in relationship with my BPD ex over the past four years. I'm wondering if anyone was able to successfully stabilize and remain together after the break up/get back together pattern had been established. If so, was it circumstances that changed or was it your approach to the relationship that changed?

Cant say I have personal experience with this but I've posed this same question to my therapist. I've been working with her for years now. Large part of our time together revolved around my own BPD which I now thankfully have under control. (Not without haaaaard work, time, and commitment!) -- From those conversations I've learned that although uncommon, it does happen.  Not from lack of therapy separately AND together. I suppose it comes down to having an understanding and grasp of self as well as understanding/grasp as a unit.

I guess factoring in whether or not both parties are BPD or one BPD one non would also factor in. I imagine that would bring an entirely different dynamic.

In my case, lets say my ex and I were to get back together (I accept and work on staying healthy... .she actively rejects and refuses to get diagnosed/go into therapy as of now) -- First step would 100% be accepting we BOTH at the root have this we deal with and need to learn to control. The problem with two BPDs coming together are the triggers. We trigger each other if we arent BOTH on top of taking care of our disorder.

Non+BPD or BPD+BPD I'd say if its going to work it requires, at its root, the same. Therapy separate and as a unit.  Learn to understand yourself and each other.

Unfortunately, if your BPD isnt willing to accept diagnosis or help there isnt much we can do. I can say from my own experience, it took years of being told I needed help before I finally snapped out of it and sought it out. Until I was ready to accept it and do something about it... .theres nobody on this earth that could have convinced me to.

I think in both dynamics it would ultimately come down to circumstances AND approach.

[MovingOn23]

My BPDw and I are not reconciled yet, but I'm feeling more optimistic about it now than I ever have.

What changed?
She had something of a breakthrough and acknowledged she has a problem and took personal responsibility for it - and she's going through counseling to address. Only time will tell if she continues on that path, and whether we can sustain a new, healthier relationship dynamic.

Prior to her breakthrough, she focused on wanting us to work on the relationship together, rather than our own individual issues that have been at the root of our relationship's problems.

I'm not naive enough to think that things will be perfect and she won't ever have any problems in the future, but I do believe it is possible that we can address our own problems enough that they are well within what I feel is reasonable and acceptable (and we are becoming more and more adept at confronting problems when they arise).