now you're a trigger to them

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

If you ever got under their skin, if you ever came close to working out why they are borderline/natcissist and felt rage, verbal or domestic abuse... .you are now a trigger to them. They don't like to be identified although they haven't a fixed identity. It is pure shame. I observed this many times.

[jambley]

If you ever got under their skin, if you ever came close to working out why they are borderline/natcissist and felt rage, verbal or domestic abuse... .you are now a trigger to them. They don't like to be identified although they haven't a fixed identity. It is pure shame. I observed this many times.

[Powers76]

Exactly what I've become. Reminder of his shame. Except I won't fight or give into the negativity hostility of his anger. I take the high road because I know he is sick and it's not about me although it's a hard pill to swallow and my heart still hurts.
God grant us the serenity to change within ourselves and accept those things that can't ... .

[joeramabeme]

I agree that I have become a trigger for all the things that she would rather not look at.  It seems to me that these are the same memories (disconnected memories) that she wanted to avoid with her family life, particularly her Father.

So ironic, she pushed me so hard to change the hangups I had about my childhood past, and though I was open to that and even welcomed it, she could not reciprocate, even though the medicine that she prescribed for me would be as helpful to her. 

To your point, I suspect that this is where I became the trigger.  JRB took the medicine and it worked, now it is too scary or overwhelming to do the same for her and so instead of having a life partner to share all this with, I am alone. 

I suppose in some ways there is a bright side to that story and yet, I am not so sure.  Yet, now that I have made these changes and transformed (at least somewhat), I have to ask myself; even though I miss her would I be able to stay with what we once had now that I changed.  Something tells me no.  It all feels to me like an engineered no-win situation whereby my changing in the ways requested created the circumstances by which I became a trigger.

[Harley Quinn]

Very astute jambley.  I figured this out after I was painted black.  It was all downhill from there and although I saw glimpses of the old him and the old us, it would quickly switch back to the rages as I'd wronged him in his eyes.  Nothing can undo that.  It was the end.  We are both better without each other.  I feel many of us try very hard to backtrack and it is beyond our control.  Once that switch is flipped we can never go back to how it was.  Only forward my friend.

Love and light x

[Ahoy]

Very astute jambley.  I figured this out after I was painted black.  It was all downhill from there and although I saw glimpses of the old him and the old us, it would quickly switch back to the rages as I'd wronged him in his eyes.  Nothing can undo that.  It was the end.  We are both better without each other.  I feel many of us try very hard to backtrack and it is beyond our control.  Once that switch is flipped we can never go back to how it was.  Only forward my friend.

Love and light x

Quoting this because it's shorter but the last two comments on here are very truthful. I'm 1 1/2 years removed from my ex-wife and don't get me wrong I still  ruminate about what I had.

But I also look at the person I've grown into and there is no way in hell that I would be able to slip back into the relationship that I had with my wife. From having strong boundaries to just simply being aware of her red-flags, selfish behaviour, there really is no going back.

Unfortunately for me I'm living in an isolated community for another year so shaking the rust off and dating will have to wait, but yeah, like you said, the switch has been flipped (for the better)