First post, catharsis I suppose, struggling, how to move on?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey Everyone.

This is my first post, but I have been lurking and reading posts here to help get through this last discard, which happened about 7 weeks ago. I’ll try and keep it brief, and I’m doing this more for my own catharsis than anything else. Obviously, when you get no closure, you ruminate on things over and over and over and over... .My ex-gf is undiagnosed, as she is a perpetual victim, and likely will never admit she plays any part in her own misery. I found this forum while researching rebound relationships, as I couldn’t fathom how someone could just move into another relationship immediately. Well, now it all makes sense.

So my story isn’t unlike any of the others. I’ll try and give a brief timeline, but focus more on the last year or so. Been together, on and off for 6 years, just recently was discarded about 7wks ago, around Mothers Day, which is a big trigger for my ex gf. No contact since. She is now in love with her new “soulmate” she met the week she just stopped communicating with me. No break up, just stopped messaging me.

2011- Met her online. I was in school for EMT, was the summer before first and second year. I was 23, she was 21. I had never honestly been in a “relationship” before. Been with plenty of women, but due to my own insecurities and lack of self confidence, I never allowed anyone to get that close. I fell for her, she was beautiful, but there were red flags from the get go. She was very underweight (5’9, but barely over 100lbs), liked to drink and go out almost nightly, probably doing drugs, smoked weed every day, at all times of day, but later realized there was cocaine and other drugs issues. She was from a city 1.5hrs away, but was in my city for school, but had dropped out after her first year as her mom was diagnosed with cancer, but in remission. After 2-3wks, she disappeared on me. Stopped replying to my messages, just vanished. I was hurt, vented with my buddies, and now wish I had of just walked away then. Didn’t happen. By chance, I bumped into her at the Arena after one of my summer hockey games. She was there drinking with some friends, watching someone elses hockey game. I messaged her afterwards, and she immediately was “back”. She was messaging me a few nights later, said she was feeling really upset, asked if I would come get her, she stayed at my house, first time we slept together. Basically we were “in a relationship” after that. Typical red flags, said she hated her family, had no relationship with them, all her ex boyfriends had been abusive, that she had been molested by a babysitter as a young child, clearly resented her family for this, smoked weed every day, drank and went out most nights etc etc. I was the white knight, I thought I could fix her, make her happy. I come from a good family, was in school to be an EMT, too empathetic for my own good, I was the typical “good guy”. After a great summer, she broke up with me in the fall, as I was “too busy” with school, and didn’t give her enough attention. I remember her sabotaging me on nights before exams, starting fights so I couldn’t study. I has happy to see her go, didn’t put up a fight. That was in October. Around New Years, I realized she was back with her “abusive ex”, who lived 1.5hrs away. So I basically got involved, broke them up, and “ won her back”. It’s been nothing but on again off again since then.

2013- I landed a job as an EMT, still on again off again, I felt like I needed to get away from her. I broke up, and began talking to someone else, but she harassed me and wouldn’t allow me to pursue this new person. Eventually we got back together, but I realized she had been on a 6 month Cocaine binge. I had to put her in hospital in the fall due to a week of withdrawals, but also she has a cyclic vomiting disorder. I spoke to her mother on the phone from the hospital for a almost an hour, where her mom thanked me, and was so glad she had met someone like me. I decided I could no longer do this, and that I needed to end this relationship before it ruined my career and life. At the same time, her mother took her final turn for the worse that fall, and ultimately passed away in January 2014. I couldn’t walk away, and so against my will, tried to stay with her throughout this. She moved home for a month to take care of her mom, where we stayed in contact, but couldn’t bring myself to visit. I came to stay for 2 days for the funeral/visitation. My ex also has a cyclic vomiting disorder, and was incapacitated for those 2 days. Her family left for the funeral while she was still laying on the bathroom floor. I bathed her, dressed her, and carried her to and from the funeral. It was heartbreaking, and I know I have a lot of PTSD from this time. I also realize she would have missed her own mothers funeral had I not have been there. She then broke up with me a few weeks later, as I wasn’t “supportive enough”. Upon her return to my city, we got back together, but I found out she had been sleeping with her ex bf the entire time she was home. Needless to say, things just continued to go down hill.

2014- That fall, things really began to escalate. There were red flags from the get go, but after her mothers death, such a large emotional trigger, things got much worse. The physical violence began in september. I tried to walk away from her, she started seeing someone the same week, so i tried to come back. She allowed me back in, but on multiple occasions, became physically violent, attacking me during arguments. One night, she accused me of being with my “sluts and whores” while I was trying to start up my personal training business. I was with a middle aged overweight man discussing training options, and she blew my phone up attacking and accusing me. I went to her apartment after to return a sweater she wanted back. She attacked me in the lobby of her building, then attempted to key my truck. Complete hysteria, it was like she was possessed. Everything was on camera in her lobby, so I went to my parents place having a complete breakdown, scared I was going to get charged for pushing her off of me. I phoned her father, and we spoke, and what he said still speaks volumes. He said “ she is who she is, and will never change. We tried everything, but ultimately we had to accept that she will likely leave this planet before any of us”. I couldn’t understand how a father could be so cold, which turned my white knight gene back on in full force. I tried to stick it out, but after multiple physical confrontations that fall, I ultimately had to phone the police on her the week before christmas. I couldn’t get a hold of her, hadn’t heard from her in a week. I knocked on her apartment door, but got no answer. I stopped at her work, she had just started working at a high end new restaurant 4 weeks before, but when i showed up, they told me she had already quit. I went back to her apartment, and finally she answered the door. It was 6pm, she thought it was 6am, wearing just a house coat, she had been picking pimples on her face, and looked like she was on meth. (She may have been, I have a hard time thinking she sunk so low, but it may have been the case, and explained her behaviour). She told me her family went on a cruise for christmas, without her, the first christmas after her moms death. They left that morning. I was livid, and attempted to phone her father. This is when she attacked me. Full on assault. Gave me a concussion, bruised my face, tried to smash my phone. She told me her dad was proud of her, and that I was going to ruin it all. A neighbour in her building over heard the commotion, and came running over. My ex then barricaded herself in her apartment, threatening suicide. A week before christmas, I thought I was all she had, I couldn’t deal with it, so I wanted her taken to hospital under psychiatric watch. Her neighbour told me to call 911, I was highly emotional, and said she “hit me” while asking for an ambulance, and that i did not want police involved. As soon as I said that, they sent police, and had to “charge her”. The police promised me that once they took her, then she would go to hospital for evaluation. That never happened, they threw her in jail for a few hours, then released her. I woke up to 70 missed calls and 100’s of text messages. Situation was just made 1000x worse. We weren’t allowed to communicate, but it was christmas, so I stayed by her side, included her the best i could, but she refused to come to my family christmas, and tried to make me feel bad for the whole situation. I tried to distance myself, but ventually by February, we were back together, yet again. On again off again for the next year.

2015- We were casually together, but never really a couple again after all of this. That fall I was very depressed, and still struggling with her anger and constant fits of rage over every little thing. She would attack me through text message while I was at work. Constantly making my life unbearable, I couldn’t get a word in, ever. As soon as she was enraged, there was no discussion, it was all about her. I’ve noticed, she only reads the first line of a text message, and reacts, but begins replying without even reading. I would call her on it, but she’d claim she was a “fast reader” . We were still sleeping together occasionally, and going out to eat, but around christmas I found out she was lying to me about a new guy she met the summer before, in her new circle of friends. She spent christmas with him and his mom, but lied and told me she went home. I saw pictures she was tagged in from Christmas Eve. She also told me she had a new friend she was doing some pottery classes with, and I asked who, she gave a name. Turns out, it was her new boyfriends Mother, who I’d actually met before in the fitness world. She denied it when I asked her.

2016- In january I met someone knew, I knew my ex gf was talking to someone else. She then called freaking on me saying I was in a relationship with someone else, her friends knew this girl I was talking to (had met her 2 weeks before, was not dating her). She then disappeared, and began dating this “friend” she spent christmas with. I went to Mexico for a buddies wedding, was extremely depressed, and thought everything was my fault. I decided upon returning, I would fix everything. She told me no, she was now with a new guy because he asked her out, so she would “give him a chance”. From March-June, she was with him, but contacting me daily. I was hell bent on getting her back, that I couldn’t see how bad of a situation it was. We began sleeping together around Mothers Day, yet she was still with him. Lying to both of us. She would sleep with me, then I would see on her instagram a picture with him the same night, and how much she loved him... .I decided to walk away. She continued to pursue, and eventually left him. We kind of got back together summer of 2016, took some trips, had a great time, but I knew she wasn’t being honest and was still talking to him on social media. I kept catching her liking or commenting on his pictures, calling him “babe”, which she would deny, even if I screen shotted the picture. I gave up, and ignored her. She left him, and pursued me.

2017- After Christmas, she was hell bent on getting me back. I was just so hurt, I had to keep her at a safe distance. In February, superbowl sunday, she had a meltdown. Insisted i come over. I did, she was threatening suicide, she became enraged, I tried to leave, she tried to stop me. She fell down while I tried to leave, then blackmailed me, saying she was calling the cops on me. I stayed, we both cried, told me she loved me and needed me. She then told me oh ya, I’ve been on Tinder by the way, and showed me her phone. I saw a text from some guy, and asked her. She said it was her cousin of the same name, but I didn’t buy it. We continued to see each other for february, march and april. Her birthday was the end of april, I took her out for dinner, got her a gift, she stayed the night. She stayed again the first week of May. She wanted a relationship, but I told her we both needed therapy and to work on ourselves, but that I would stick by her while she got help. I then took her to the womens shelter to drop off a bunch of her moms old clothes, which she had hoarded after her moms death. She finally decided to donate it, like I had suggested 100’s of times before, but of course it was now her idea. We dropped it off, I was having a bad week, very tired, lethargic, not myself, she was upset. Her dad phoned her as we were leaving the shelter, and she spoke on the phone with him while I drove her home. She got out, and that was the last time I saw her. I messaged her later saying “ Im proud of you”. She replied thanks, then started a huge fight about how I’m not supportive and she deserves better. She demanded I come get my clothes from her house she wore home the week before. I declined, been down this road too many times before, too much risk to go there when she’s like this, I can’t leave safely. That weekend was mothers day. She last attempted to call me on the saturday, which I missed the call. On monday, I was out for a rollerblade at the park, and sure enough, I see her with another guy walking his dog. I had to go right past them, she looked like she was going to vomit. I’ve never seen the look of guilt on her face like this before. I decided to just smile and continue on, with no conflict. I never heard from her again. The following weekend, I decided to message her to see what was up, and that I wanted my stuff back is she was moving on. She started a huge fight, denied that she had slept with me 2 weeks before, and that I was making stuff up... .Then, her new boyfriend started threatening me, and that he knows how manipulative and sick I am, and that I need to go through him if I want to speak to her again, otherwise we’d have problems, as they are in love and in a relationship. That was 7 weeks ago, I have been complete no contact since, other than a moment of weakness where I viewed her instagram, and she has pictures of him, and how in love she is, how he’s her soulmate, the best man she’s ever met, and that her mother has sent him to her from the other side... .This was 3 weeks in of no contact, so less than a month they had been together.

Anyways, longer than intended, but as I said, this is catharsis. The lack of closure these people give, is something that no one deserves. I still love her with all my heart, and I’ve never felt as bad as I do right now. It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, but my mind just doesn’t stop, 24/hrs a day. I try to keep as busy as possible at the gym, joined jiu jitsu and playing hockey, and I start therapy next week. I need to move on from this once and for all. But being as this was my first relationship, and the first person I ever truly loved, words cannot even describe how difficult this whole situation is. I can’t sleep, I cry almost daily. So many triggers, everything reminds me of her and our “good times”. I understand she will likely be back at some point, as she is still in the honeymoon of her new relationship, idealizing like no tomorrow, but she can’t maintain friendships or relationships with her own family, I don’t see how she could all of a sudden be compatible with a stranger she just met, and rushed into a relationship with, someone she doesn’t even know. I guess we all know how it plays out. For me, I just want to get strong enough, and be to the point where when she does come back, that I don’t get sucked back in. I love her, and the attachments, especially having to carry her to her own mothers funeral, they are deep. I don’t know how to break them, but it’s my only option if I want to live a semi normal life from here on out. I am 29 now, met her when I was 23. My self confidence and self worth, all though never really good, have never been lower. Other than the gym and basic things like groceries, I hardly leave the house. I’m off work right now due to a shoulder injury, so it doesn’t help that I don’t have work as a forced distraction or reason to interact with others. I know therapy is a must, and I begin next Tuesday after the long weekend, which is another trigger, as we went away to the Nations Capital last year for this weekend. 7wks out, 6wks No contact what so ever, time heals, but when does the grip begin to loosen?

Thanks everyone

[Fishmedic]

Hey Everyone.

This is my first post, but I have been lurking and reading posts here to help get through this last discard, which happened about 7 weeks ago. I’ll try and keep it brief, and I’m doing this more for my own catharsis than anything else. Obviously, when you get no closure, you ruminate on things over and over and over and over... .My ex-gf is undiagnosed, as she is a perpetual victim, and likely will never admit she plays any part in her own misery. I found this forum while researching rebound relationships, as I couldn’t fathom how someone could just move into another relationship immediately. Well, now it all makes sense.

So my story isn’t unlike any of the others. I’ll try and give a brief timeline, but focus more on the last year or so. Been together, on and off for 6 years, just recently was discarded about 7wks ago, around Mothers Day, which is a big trigger for my ex gf. No contact since. She is now in love with her new “soulmate” she met the week she just stopped communicating with me. No break up, just stopped messaging me.

2011- Met her online. I was in school for EMT, was the summer before first and second year. I was 23, she was 21. I had never honestly been in a “relationship” before. Been with plenty of women, but due to my own insecurities and lack of self confidence, I never allowed anyone to get that close. I fell for her, she was beautiful, but there were red flags from the get go. She was very underweight (5’9, but barely over 100lbs), liked to drink and go out almost nightly, probably doing drugs, smoked weed every day, at all times of day, but later realized there was cocaine and other drugs issues. She was from a city 1.5hrs away, but was in my city for school, but had dropped out after her first year as her mom was diagnosed with cancer, but in remission. After 2-3wks, she disappeared on me. Stopped replying to my messages, just vanished. I was hurt, vented with my buddies, and now wish I had of just walked away then. Didn’t happen. By chance, I bumped into her at the Arena after one of my summer hockey games. She was there drinking with some friends, watching someone elses hockey game. I messaged her afterwards, and she immediately was “back”. She was messaging me a few nights later, said she was feeling really upset, asked if I would come get her, she stayed at my house, first time we slept together. Basically we were “in a relationship” after that. Typical red flags, said she hated her family, had no relationship with them, all her ex boyfriends had been abusive, that she had been molested by a babysitter as a young child, clearly resented her family for this, smoked weed every day, drank and went out most nights etc etc. I was the white knight, I thought I could fix her, make her happy. I come from a good family, was in school to be an EMT, too empathetic for my own good, I was the typical “good guy”. After a great summer, she broke up with me in the fall, as I was “too busy” with school, and didn’t give her enough attention. I remember her sabotaging me on nights before exams, starting fights so I couldn’t study. I has happy to see her go, didn’t put up a fight. That was in October. Around New Years, I realized she was back with her “abusive ex”, who lived 1.5hrs away. So I basically got involved, broke them up, and “ won her back”. It’s been nothing but on again off again since then.

2013- I landed a job as an EMT, still on again off again, I felt like I needed to get away from her. I broke up, and began talking to someone else, but she harassed me and wouldn’t allow me to pursue this new person. Eventually we got back together, but I realized she had been on a 6 month Cocaine binge. I had to put her in hospital in the fall due to a week of withdrawals, but also she has a cyclic vomiting disorder. I spoke to her mother on the phone from the hospital for a almost an hour, where her mom thanked me, and was so glad she had met someone like me. I decided I could no longer do this, and that I needed to end this relationship before it ruined my career and life. At the same time, her mother took her final turn for the worse that fall, and ultimately passed away in January 2014. I couldn’t walk away, and so against my will, tried to stay with her throughout this. She moved home for a month to take care of her mom, where we stayed in contact, but couldn’t bring myself to visit. I came to stay for 2 days for the funeral/visitation. My ex also has a cyclic vomiting disorder, and was incapacitated for those 2 days. Her family left for the funeral while she was still laying on the bathroom floor. I bathed her, dressed her, and carried her to and from the funeral. It was heartbreaking, and I know I have a lot of PTSD from this time. I also realize she would have missed her own mothers funeral had I not have been there. She then broke up with me a few weeks later, as I wasn’t “supportive enough”. Upon her return to my city, we got back together, but I found out she had been sleeping with her ex bf the entire time she was home. Needless to say, things just continued to go down hill.

2014- That fall, things really began to escalate. There were red flags from the get go, but after her mothers death, such a large emotional trigger, things got much worse. The physical violence began in september. I tried to walk away from her, she started seeing someone the same week, so i tried to come back. She allowed me back in, but on multiple occasions, became physically violent, attacking me during arguments. One night, she accused me of being with my “sluts and whores” while I was trying to start up my personal training business. I was with a middle aged overweight man discussing training options, and she blew my phone up attacking and accusing me. I went to her apartment after to return a sweater she wanted back. She attacked me in the lobby of her building, then attempted to key my truck. Complete hysteria, it was like she was possessed. Everything was on camera in her lobby, so I went to my parents place having a complete breakdown, scared I was going to get charged for pushing her off of me. I phoned her father, and we spoke, and what he said still speaks volumes. He said “ she is who she is, and will never change. We tried everything, but ultimately we had to accept that she will likely leave this planet before any of us”. I couldn’t understand how a father could be so cold, which turned my white knight gene back on in full force. I tried to stick it out, but after multiple physical confrontations that fall, I ultimately had to phone the police on her the week before christmas. I couldn’t get a hold of her, hadn’t heard from her in a week. I knocked on her apartment door, but got no answer. I stopped at her work, she had just started working at a high end new restaurant 4 weeks before, but when i showed up, they told me she had already quit. I went back to her apartment, and finally she answered the door. It was 6pm, she thought it was 6am, wearing just a house coat, she had been picking pimples on her face, and looked like she was on meth. (She may have been, I have a hard time thinking she sunk so low, but it may have been the case, and explained her behaviour). She told me her family went on a cruise for christmas, without her, the first christmas after her moms death. They left that morning. I was livid, and attempted to phone her father. This is when she attacked me. Full on assault. Gave me a concussion, bruised my face, tried to smash my phone. She told me her dad was proud of her, and that I was going to ruin it all. A neighbour in her building over heard the commotion, and came running over. My ex then barricaded herself in her apartment, threatening suicide. A week before christmas, I thought I was all she had, I couldn’t deal with it, so I wanted her taken to hospital under psychiatric watch. Her neighbour told me to call 911, I was highly emotional, and said she “hit me” while asking for an ambulance, and that i did not want police involved. As soon as I said that, they sent police, and had to “charge her”. The police promised me that once they took her, then she would go to hospital for evaluation. That never happened, they threw her in jail for a few hours, then released her. I woke up to 70 missed calls and 100’s of text messages. Situation was just made 1000x worse. We weren’t allowed to communicate, but it was christmas, so I stayed by her side, included her the best i could, but she refused to come to my family christmas, and tried to make me feel bad for the whole situation. I tried to distance myself, but ventually by February, we were back together, yet again. On again off again for the next year.

2015- We were casually together, but never really a couple again after all of this. That fall I was very depressed, and still struggling with her anger and constant fits of rage over every little thing. She would attack me through text message while I was at work. Constantly making my life unbearable, I couldn’t get a word in, ever. As soon as she was enraged, there was no discussion, it was all about her. I’ve noticed, she only reads the first line of a text message, and reacts, but begins replying without even reading. I would call her on it, but she’d claim she was a “fast reader” . We were still sleeping together occasionally, and going out to eat, but around christmas I found out she was lying to me about a new guy she met the summer before, in her new circle of friends. She spent christmas with him and his mom, but lied and told me she went home. I saw pictures she was tagged in from Christmas Eve. She also told me she had a new friend she was doing some pottery classes with, and I asked who, she gave a name. Turns out, it was her new boyfriends Mother, who I’d actually met before in the fitness world. She denied it when I asked her.

2016- In january I met someone knew, I knew my ex gf was talking to someone else. She then called freaking on me saying I was in a relationship with someone else, her friends knew this girl I was talking to (had met her 2 weeks before, was not dating her). She then disappeared, and began dating this “friend” she spent christmas with. I went to Mexico for a buddies wedding, was extremely depressed, and thought everything was my fault. I decided upon returning, I would fix everything. She told me no, she was now with a new guy because he asked her out, so she would “give him a chance”. From March-June, she was with him, but contacting me daily. I was hell bent on getting her back, that I couldn’t see how bad of a situation it was. We began sleeping together around Mothers Day, yet she was still with him. Lying to both of us. She would sleep with me, then I would see on her instagram a picture with him the same night, and how much she loved him... .I decided to walk away. She continued to pursue, and eventually left him. We kind of got back together summer of 2016, took some trips, had a great time, but I knew she wasn’t being honest and was still talking to him on social media. I kept catching her liking or commenting on his pictures, calling him “babe”, which she would deny, even if I screen shotted the picture. I gave up, and ignored her. She left him, and pursued me.

2017- After Christmas, she was hell bent on getting me back. I was just so hurt, I had to keep her at a safe distance. In February, superbowl sunday, she had a meltdown. Insisted i come over. I did, she was threatening suicide, she became enraged, I tried to leave, she tried to stop me. She fell down while I tried to leave, then blackmailed me, saying she was calling the cops on me. I stayed, we both cried, told me she loved me and needed me. She then told me oh ya, I’ve been on Tinder by the way, and showed me her phone. I saw a text from some guy, and asked her. She said it was her cousin of the same name, but I didn’t buy it. We continued to see each other for february, march and april. Her birthday was the end of april, I took her out for dinner, got her a gift, she stayed the night. She stayed again the first week of May. She wanted a relationship, but I told her we both needed therapy and to work on ourselves, but that I would stick by her while she got help. I then took her to the womens shelter to drop off a bunch of her moms old clothes, which she had hoarded after her moms death. She finally decided to donate it, like I had suggested 100’s of times before, but of course it was now her idea. We dropped it off, I was having a bad week, very tired, lethargic, not myself, she was upset. Her dad phoned her as we were leaving the shelter, and she spoke on the phone with him while I drove her home. She got out, and that was the last time I saw her. I messaged her later saying “ Im proud of you”. She replied thanks, then started a huge fight about how I’m not supportive and she deserves better. She demanded I come get my clothes from her house she wore home the week before. I declined, been down this road too many times before, too much risk to go there when she’s like this, I can’t leave safely. That weekend was mothers day. She last attempted to call me on the saturday, which I missed the call. On monday, I was out for a rollerblade at the park, and sure enough, I see her with another guy walking his dog. I had to go right past them, she looked like she was going to vomit. I’ve never seen the look of guilt on her face like this before. I decided to just smile and continue on, with no conflict. I never heard from her again. The following weekend, I decided to message her to see what was up, and that I wanted my stuff back is she was moving on. She started a huge fight, denied that she had slept with me 2 weeks before, and that I was making stuff up... .Then, her new boyfriend started threatening me, and that he knows how manipulative and sick I am, and that I need to go through him if I want to speak to her again, otherwise we’d have problems, as they are in love and in a relationship. That was 7 weeks ago, I have been complete no contact since, other than a moment of weakness where I viewed her instagram, and she has pictures of him, and how in love she is, how he’s her soulmate, the best man she’s ever met, and that her mother has sent him to her from the other side... .This was 3 weeks in of no contact, so less than a month they had been together.

Anyways, longer than intended, but as I said, this is catharsis. The lack of closure these people give, is something that no one deserves. I still love her with all my heart, and I’ve never felt as bad as I do right now. It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, but my mind just doesn’t stop, 24/hrs a day. I try to keep as busy as possible at the gym, joined jiu jitsu and playing hockey, and I start therapy next week. I need to move on from this once and for all. But being as this was my first relationship, and the first person I ever truly loved, words cannot even describe how difficult this whole situation is. I can’t sleep, I cry almost daily. So many triggers, everything reminds me of her and our “good times”. I understand she will likely be back at some point, as she is still in the honeymoon of her new relationship, idealizing like no tomorrow, but she can’t maintain friendships or relationships with her own family, I don’t see how she could all of a sudden be compatible with a stranger she just met, and rushed into a relationship with, someone she doesn’t even know. I guess we all know how it plays out. For me, I just want to get strong enough, and be to the point where when she does come back, that I don’t get sucked back in. I love her, and the attachments, especially having to carry her to her own mothers funeral, they are deep. I don’t know how to break them, but it’s my only option if I want to live a semi normal life from here on out. I am 29 now, met her when I was 23. My self confidence and self worth, all though never really good, have never been lower. Other than the gym and basic things like groceries, I hardly leave the house. I’m off work right now due to a shoulder injury, so it doesn’t help that I don’t have work as a forced distraction or reason to interact with others. I know therapy is a must, and I begin next Tuesday after the long weekend, which is another trigger, as we went away to the Nations Capital last year for this weekend. 7wks out, 6wks No contact what so ever, time heals, but when does the grip begin to loosen?

Thanks everyone

[SWLSR]

Hello

You have been through a lot take a deep breath and try to start taking steps to regain your life.  There are, any good folks here to help you.  Don't try to recover without help.

[Fishmedic]

Thank you. It’s just one day at a time right now. But you’re right, help is necessary, and I hope interacting on this forum, as well as working with a therapist will lead me to back to myself eventually.

[Zemmma]

You are still young but you have been through so much pain at a time of your life when you are at your strongest and best and deserve to be happy. I sincerely hope you can move on from this in a healthy way. Your future can be so much brighter.

So sad to hear what people go through from being in toxic relationships. I hope you can find the strength to walk away for good.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic and welcome! 

I'm sorry that you've been through so much, yet really glad you found this site.  I've found it a lifeline and I'm sure you'll get lots of good information and help here, as I did.  You've obviously picked up a lot already, which is great.  Keep exploring, posting and reading and you'll gain a wealth of knowledge and support that can help to ease this process for you.

To have been in this on and off relationship for so long and your first relationship too, must have been extremely difficult and it's understandable that you feel as you do.  The powerful love you feel and the accompanying sense of loss of the good times is something many other members have experienced and can understand.  The end of a BPD relationship is like the end of no other.  You've really had a baptism by fire.  The good news is that you have your therapy lined up and will also get lots of help here too.  Well done for keeping going and seeking ways to find the strength to move on.  Sounds like you have lots of activities  in place to help your healing, which is fantastic.  In time you will find new confidence from the fact that you did get through this.  Others have, and you can too. 

I must congratulate you on being able to document this experience as well as you have.  How did it feel to get this all out?  I find it such a relief to get my feelings out onto the screen, especially that I'm sharing them with an audience who can truly empathise with my position.  I hope that you achieved the catharsis you were seeking. 

Your self awareness will go a long way to supporting you through this journey.  How long will you be off work with the shoulder injury?  You mention the forced distraction of working and I'm wondering if there is something you can do to provide you with another distraction at the moment?  Perhaps friends/family could get you out of the house for a bit?  Maybe take a walk and notice your surroundings and focus on your breath.  Being present is a start to slow down the mind.  It's definitely worth a try if you can manage it.  Meantime, there are lots of fantastic articles, workshops, lessons and tools here on the site so if you have prolonged time at home, now might be a good time to plough through some of these and increase your knowledge in order to benefit you in your healing.  I couldn't devour enough when I first found this place and this information has played a huge part in my recovery to date.  Keep reading and posting.  We're here for you.

Love and light x

[Fishmedic]

Thank you so much for the kind words and support. This is a very tough weekend, as it is the long weekend (canada day up here), and last year her and I spent it together out of town, and had a great time. So at this point, I’m just hoping the weekend ends quickly, and I can get to my first therapy appointment on Tuesday when the dust settles. I plan to visit family tomorrow, and do my best to focus on the present as best I can.
Getting it all out on a screen was helpful, but at the same time, it brought my mind back to places I’d likely done my best to try and forget about, like I was in denial of the past in certain circumstances. I also went to her hometown and visited the church where her mothers funeral was last week, I guess I’m just looking for some type of closure, regardless of how painful it may be. I’m doing my best to keep busy, as I will be off work for a few more months at least. I take walks daily, which I’m just about to go do, however I have this fear I may bump into her, as that is how I found out about everything initially. Was out at a park for a walk, and there they were, together, a week after she was telling me how much she loves me and wanted more commitment.

This forum has been a godsend, and I’ve learned so much, and continue to learn as much as I can about those that are disordered. It doesn’t necessarily bring me relief, but it does bring some perspective I otherwise would not have had. So I will continue to read others eerily similar experiences, and work on my own issues, as I know I never want to feel this pain again, and the only way I can avoid that is to grow strong enough to block her out when she inevitably shows up in my life again, whether it’s months or years from now.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart for giving me a space to document what I am going through. That in itself is truly therapeutic.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Fishmedic,

Hope your weekend goes well and brings plenty of peace for you.  I congratulate you on your positive attitude towards learning and understanding.  The personal growth we can gain from this experience can be a real blessing once the grieving process has been worked through.  I'd like to point out the lessons to the right, which are extremely helpful and have done a lot for me in the process of my own detachment.  Hope you find the same for yourself.  Good luck with the therapy session on Tuesday.

Love and light x

[Helplessly]

I know and feel where you are at. There are similarities in our stories. The chronic weed. But the one that resonates is the family hatred. My ex doesn't go a day without spitting venom about her mother. And for some reason she talks to NOBODY in her family. I wonder what they would say.

Anyway, you seem to have some perspective as to what's going on with YOU. Dig into the codependency issues and find out why you are willing to endure these assaults. It's obvious that you are a good person.  People like us have s very high threshold for pain.

Allegorically I'm seeing my 18 months with my ex gf as me piloting a ship through a storm and encouraging her to just go down below and get some rest. "I got this"

What a fool. These people managed to survive before we came along and they will continue to thrive. The question is, will we?

[Fishmedic]

Helplessly   
 
How long have you been apart? 
 
The chronic weed was a red flag for sure. I have no issues with weed, its natural, has it's benefits, I smoke a little weed every now and then myself. But with her, it was like the only way she could function. Had to smoke weed before work, meals, intamacy, and mostly just because she wasn't currently high, so she needed to be. She has no car or license, so her drug dealers came to her apartment... .It was an on going issue, from start to finish. Funny, her new "soulmate" she just met happens to make marijauna gummy bears for a living. Lol. I can see her addiction putting him out of business fairly quick. Oh well. 
 
And yes. She absolutely hates her family. When i met her, she told me she had terrible parents, and didnt have a relationship with them. Well, turns out her family was amazing. Wonderful people, extremely wealthy, like extremely, all her siblings who are younger are successful in what they do. And she messages pretty much all of them daily, to fight. Every day was some crisis and how much of an ass her father was, or her sister who she got into a fist fight with last year on her birthday. Her dad still pays for everything she does as well, controls her bank accounts, puts money in, bought her apartment etc etc. None of it made any sense to me, but now it does. She clearly painted them all black, just as she's now done to me. I always felt more like a parent to her than a boyfriend... .