Need a support system to help me cope with my BPD spouse

[sisforsuperwoman]

I have been in a relationship with my now fiancé for 2.5 years. When things are good they are great, when things are bad they are horrible. It is one of those realtionships that are to good to leave and to bad to stay if anyone understands. We have 2 of our own children from prev relationships, and we share a 6 month old baby boy. I always knew something was not normal about my fiancé. In our relationship there has been violence on both ends. I am not one to back down from a fight, so we have had many physical altercations. There has been verbal abuse on both ends. It normally ensues after he insults/assault me and I retaliate with my words or by striking back. In October I got him to agree to see a therapist, after anger management did not work. He got diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder, and then sent to pysch who said that he was not convinced that it was in fact bi-polar and he wanted him to continue to go. Well he stopped going due to circumstances of finance and insurance. I started doing a lot of research about bi-polar and stumbled across information about BPD that fit him precisely. I even asked him if he felt as though he displayed most of the traits he agreed. After what I deemed our LAST physical altercation before someone goes to jail or gets hurt. He agreed to allow me to set up an appointment with someone else for him to get help (after he got his insurance back). I made the appointment and told the therapist what the last therapist/psych said and also what I suspected. He has been seeing her here and there and things have gotten slightly better. But they always do until something I do or say triggers his behavior.

One minute I'm the love of his life and the next I'm the worst person in the world. He hates me, I'm a dumb b**ch, I can eat a d**k, he's going to kill me etc. Most recently he went into a fit of rage because I told him he needed to help me more around the house with housework. I really have a hard time dealing with him. My wants, needs, and concerns often go unmet. Due to the fact that he can't handle criticism at all. I do not know how to get him to see the psychiatrist as his therapist recommended, it's like he always has an excuse as to why he has not yet made an appointment. I don't know if it is wise or if we will be making it to the alter next June. I also have children to think about and he is an AWESOME father. I just really need somewhere to turn. Nobody understands and I am to embarrassed to talk to my friends and family about his behavior and what has taken place in our relationship. They all love him so much, it would really tarnish his image.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello sisforsuperwoman,



You have a lot going on here,  step kids, and definitely your baby.  It sounds like the physical altercations have stopped for now yes? It is definitely a major concern about going to jail,  one or both of you.  Are there any substance abuse issues here? These can make a bad situation worse. 

You sound alone here,  even with reaching out to the therapists (which is good!). Different behaviors a person can exhibit behind closed doors can make you feel trapped and alone, like no one on your life circle would believe you.  Even if they did,  talk like,  "just leave!" Isn’t helpful.  You still love him,  and there are a lot of children involved.  It's complicated. 

Have you thought about reaching out to a local domestic violence hotline? The call is anonymous, and it can help to talk to someone local and live, a wise voice who can guide you. 

I'm sorry that he is also being so nasty verbally. That's tough to take. Do you have a safety plan on case things go beyond what you can handle? We have something here which is useful: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I know you said that you're not one to back down from a fight,  but do you feel safe,  and ate the kids safe?

Turkish

[heartandwhole]

Hi sisforsuperwoman,



I'd like to join  Turkish in welcoming you to the community. I hear you about the good being very good, and the bad being horrible. Many members here can relate to that. It can feel exhilarating and then exhausting.

You have a big family to think about, so I'm glad you have reached out for support. This site has tons of resources and tools that can help make things better. And the members here understand what you are going through.

How are your children handling the periodic verbal and physical altercations? What usually triggers the fights?

Keep posting. You've found a supportive community and a safe place to talk about what you're going through.

heartandwhole

[Love Healing]

I can really relate to your post.  The only difference is I did the support system right away by telling close friends in my community because there is no mental health anywhere near me, no therapy, no knowledge of mental illness, nothing!  I also had so many scary things going on, I needed to talk... .then needed to tell everyone I spoke with BEFORE I knew about the BPD, what it is now that I understand.  I think the BPD info helped everyone out, it was just the craziness I was seeing and dealing with blindly before that has screwed me now in a small community.  Is there anyone you can trust?  Anyone who knows about the facts or behaviors would benefit, I would think, from understanding the BPD.  I think it puts the negative in a positive perspective.