Feeling resentment- "how would you feel if..."

[Letloverule]

My SO wBPD is quite particular about how things are done. Unsurprisingly it's very black and white. I've grown accustomed to her routines and frankly I actually welcome the structure in our household. My grey thinking serves its purpose but it can also be chaotic when unmanaged.
I'm trying not to let resentment build though- because there are things I do for her consciously and intentionally.
She has raged at me before about leaving clothes on top of the washer. She experiences that as juvenile, lazy and chaotic. No problem- I don't do that anymore. But just the other day I found her clothes on the washer. And my thought is: wow... if I did that I'd have hell to pay!

Yesterday I came home early and texted her saying that I'd be working from home- not a common occurance.  She comes home from work while I'm still on my computer and asks me to start looking Things up for her about her work!
Again... .if the roles were reversed... .there would be explosions.

These are just small things that don't seem to be frequent patterns. It just happen now and then and I'm very consciously aware about what the mood would be if I were doing them. And it's just starting to build resentment.

Thoughts?

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[CMJ]

Hi Letloverule

Oooh I love the double standards, fun aren't they?
I recently make a joke about my friend and I being a couple, she didn't like it, told me it made her uncomfortable and feel like distancing herself. All fair reactions, except she's joked about the same thing herself! And of course, did not like being reminded of that fact 

Regarding avoiding resentment, I'm not there 100% myself yet, but I suggest reading as much as you can. The more I've read the easier I find it to let go of things.

[isilme]

Resentment is something to work on - I think no emotion is quite as bad for a relationship a resentment,  Outright anger has a direct honesty that can be managed, sadness can be addressed. Resentment can creep up and fester like a slow infection, poisoning everything.

Yes, the double standards suck.  And most people try to quietly justify why what's good for them is not good for someone else.  That is a bit normal for most people.  But when you have a decent amount of empathy, you can put yourself in their shoes and see you aren't being fair.  BPD is terrible with empathy. 

I see BPD as an emotional "disability"  My H is simply lacking something other people have, he has a hard time doing things others can do, all because his emotional wiring is all wacky, and so using emotions as his logic, his feelings mean more, his ideas and needs are more important.  If he was wheelchair bound, I'd not expect him to be able to run the 50-meter dash or even mow our yard.  I'd easily accept his limitations and try to focus on what he can and does do - this is the only way to really right resentment.  It's fine to be upset.  It's fine to even try to talk about it, try to address it, try to change it.  But in the end, especially for the not in the BPD relationship, it's up to us to CHOOSE how mad some things make us.  because we actually have the ability to do that.  Sadly, as the more able-emotioned person, more responsibility WILL/DOES land on us.  If we can radically accept, "my SO is a difficult person, but I love him/her anyway," it can help.

A pwbPD is usually locked inside thier own head stuck with all this crap inside that have trouble managing, emoting in a constructive way, so the teapot just boils over and over.  It's so busy boiling it can't care that you also have a built up steam valve.  Inside their heads, their needs are far more immediate, important, and block out yours.  SHE hates when you have YOUR clothes on/in the dryer.  Hers, well, she's busy.  it's okay.  Since they are HER clothes, it doesn't bother her.  The idea that it's unfair does not even occur to her.  And honestly, in a weird way, she may assume YOU are just as upset and be confused you aren't reacting how she does.  H often just assumes because something makes him mad, it makes me just as mad, and when I tell him sometimes I really dont' care, he's either shocked or invalidated. 

[Tattered Heart]

I struggle with this too. It's very frustrating when you have made a point to do something that has been asked of you just to see that person do the thing they asked you not to do. Saying something could lead to a blow up. Not saying something leads to resentment. I'm learning that it's better to say something than to let it build.

It's scary to say something that you know might end in a fight. I use DEARMAN in these situations. I start by describing the situation. In your example of leaving clothes lying around:

Describe the sitaution: I found clothes lying on top of the washer.
Explain: I'm feeling a little frustrated because in the past I've felt that it upset you when I left my clothes there.
Assert: It would be fair to me that if I am expected to put my clothes into the washer that you would also do the same.
Reinforce: Come up with a positive aspect of not being hypocritical.
Mindfully: If she begins to try to change the subject, bring it back to what the real problem is--you feel that's it's unfair if she can do what she asked you not to do.
Appear: Be confident in what you are saying. If you expect her to blow up, she probably will becuase she will see you walking on egg shells
Negotiate: If it's not important that this is done anymore, that's ok too. I just want us to be on the same page about it. What do you think is a fair arrangement?

Here's a link to our workshop on DEARMAN

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0