19 Year old Daughter - Probably BPD

[Shmoopy99]

I see many posts like mine. I think this is the right place!
My youngest daughter has been struggling with depression and other issues for the last few years. She spent a week at Yale New Haven psychiatric hospital last winter after battling with anxiety/depression and a suicide attempt. My older daughter (21) brought it to our attention that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder, so we started researching. We're not trying to diagnose her ourselves, but the description and symptoms of that disorder are spot on for her behaviors. She read about BPD with us and seemed to identify. She also agreed to see a therapist.

I got some advice from a psychology professor where I work (at a college) and she thought  that if BPD seems like a good description of the patterns we have observed, we should find a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) specialist and/or program. I found a few who are local, and let my daughter read through the bio's with me online and select one. She picked one, and I just called the therapist today and am waiting for a call back.

I feel like my daughter will not ever be able to set goals and meet with some success and progress in her life without some help. She is holding down a couple of part-time jobs, but both have been in jeopardy at one time or another. One of her jobs is as a veterinary assistant. She has a goal to get a two year certification as a veterinary technician, but that does not seem attainable to me with her current self-destructive patterns: she drives erratically at times, can't control her anger, and seems incapable of having healthy relationships with family, friends or boyfriends. She's been sexually promiscuous and ended up with an STD recently. Thankfully it was one that could be easily treated, but I just never know what's around the corner with her. One step forward, and then six back.

One of her biggest issues, and I am wondering if this is common with BPD, is that she struggles with opening up and tends to tell you what you want to hear rather than what is really going on. She lies frequently, mostly if it helps her avoid confronting something.

Any advice is welcome! I will continue to read posts here and offer any help I can as we head down this road to try to help my daughter. I'd love her to be able to be an independent happy young adult, but there's a long way to go, and we're kind of stuck with her living in the basement room, causing a great deal of stress to all of us, for now. Our older three children are in college or beyond. The other three are very successful, and although we've never made comparisons, I think she does and feels the weight of that too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi LaurieS99

Welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place! I'm sorry to hear about your daughter and glad that you found us. It's so very hard to watch our kids suffer and cope with their behaviours. We all understand that pain.

My youngest daughter has been struggling with depression and other issues for the last few years. She spent a week at Yale New Haven psychiatric hospital last winter after battling with anxiety/depression and a suicide attempt. My older daughter (21) brought it to our attention that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder, so we started researching. We're not trying to diagnose her ourselves, but the description and symptoms of that disorder are spot on for her behaviors. She read about BPD with us and seemed to identify. She also agreed to see a therapist

My DS26 always struggled with day to day life, he was dx BPD at 24 and then re-dx at 26 GAD, depression with BPD traits. I can see people presenting differently at differentl times and a lot depends on what's going on with them at a given time. Each of us unique and our situations too, complex mental health issues are part of the territory. It's marvellous your DD has agreed to therapy.

I got some advice from a psychology professor where I work (at a college) and she thought  that if BPD seems like a good description of the patterns we have observed, we should find a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) specialist and/or program. I found a few who are local, and let my daughter read through the bio's with me online and select one. She picked one, and I just called the therapist today and am waiting for a call back.

You've done your homework and it's so great you've got access to DBT. My DS has only just started therapy himself with his second session yesterday. We in similar water Laurie. We want them so badly to engage and get some benefits. It's a long road and I'm taking it gently, not delving but enough checking to show that I care and offering encouragement.

I feel like my daughter will not ever be able to set goals and meet with some success and progress in her life without some help. She is holding down a couple of part-time jobs, but both have been in jeopardy at one time or another. One of her jobs is as a veterinary assistant. She has a goal to get a two year certification as a veterinary technician, but that does not seem attainable to me with her current self-destructive patterns: she drives erratically at times, can't control her anger, and seems incapable of having healthy relationships with family, friends or boyfriends. She's been sexually promiscuous and ended up with an STD recently. Thankfully it was one that could be easily treated, but I just never know what's around the corner with her. One step forward, and then six bac

My expectations have lowered and my DSs life will not be the one that I dreamed of for him. The more I learned about BPD then the better I understood his limitations and challenges he faces each and every day. When we know better, we do better. My reactions to him triggered his behaviours and the more I did the worse it got, his relationship with the family deteriorated to breaking point. I've learnt a better way to interact with him. I changed my approach and he responded positively, very slowly. He trusts me now not to react to his mistakes, I don't judge or criticise them but recognise he's doing his very best - as I am. We all learn by mistakes.

One of her biggest issues, and I am wondering if this is common with BPD, is that she struggles with opening up and tends to tell you what you want to hear rather than what is really going on. She lies frequently, mostly if it helps her avoid confronting something.

This is common in ALL teenagers or anyone who wants to be left alone. They just tell you what they want you want to hear. With skewed thinking thrown in too. My DS doesn't rage but internalises and it makes it extremely difficult to understand what he's feeling. As our relationship improved, he tested me out to check that I wouldn't react, he knew he was safe to tell me anything. Boy, my jaw dropped more than a few times. Lies are part of the territory too. I decided my top priority was to focus on my core relationship with my DS. I figured that whatever happens in his life he's going to need me to be a more effective parent. This was the best decision and I've Ever made, it's a win, win. It started with me taking my foot off the gas pedal and not focussing on all the things that I thought that he should be doing. I changed the environment in my home by lightening up, being warm and smiley talking about anything but problems. He was so very depressed and couldn't handle his thoughts. This approach gave him some calm, non judgmental space and me the important time I needed to get to work and to learn some new skills in this site (I encourage you to read, learn and post). It's changed our lives, literally saved my family. I got back to basics.

there's a long way to go, and we're kind of stuck with her living in the basement room, causing a great deal of stress to all of us, for now. Our older three children are in college or beyond. The other three are very successful, and although we've never made comparisons, I think she does and feels the weight of that too.

We all want the same thing in life: to be loved and understood. I found that my family learned by me demonsrating behaviours that I wanted to see in them. My H and younger son found it very stressful being around DS. They were at a different stage than me at the beginning. 18 months on we are all singing from the same sheet. It's hard to feel a failure and hard not to compare yourself with successful siblings. I like to look at it that my DS is just a late developer, he'll get there, he will live independently and his life will be very different to his brothers. I've enjoyed watching his growth as I e watched by the wayside. He was reluctant and resistant to growing up. Changing my approach and becoming assertive but loving as been my key.

Sadly there's no quick fixes but there's hope. Onwards we go inching forwards. It's very important to take care of yourself. It shows your daughter how she can take care of herself too; she'll learn watch and learn despite it not looking like she's taking any of it in.

Have you made the first therapy appointment?
What support have you got for yourself if any?

Hugs. Baby steps, gently forwards together.
LP

[Shmoopy99]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply and insight. I hope that therapy for your DS goes well! I hear you about not delving, but you must be itching to know how it is going and if he is able to connect with his therapist. I did hear back from the therapist I contacted, but with the holiday coming up, I don't think I'll be able to speak with her in person until Wednesday.

I appreciated your advice about lowering expectations and how our reactions make a big difference. After reading your reply, I told my H that we had to make a better effort to stop nagging and hopping on her for things she needs to take care of the minute we get home from work. Talking with her about how her day went and more positive things first is a much better way to go. Yesterday, I chatted with her for a while about her work and her friends, and then left her a note with a few things she needed to do before she headed out. She reacted well to that. My H has been good about following my lead. It will be some time before we're all singing from the same sheet, unfortunately. My older daughter is slow to forgive her younger sibling and has a lot of grudges against her for past behaviors. It is hard to see my two girls at odds, but I do see signs the older one is coming around.

It seems like you have come a long way and made great improvements in parenting your DS. We're newbies, but trying to learn all we can. I was chuckling about your DS being reluctant to grow up. My DD certainly has that in common with him. Sometimes I think she remembers childhood fondly compared to becoming an adult and would love to just go back in time if she could.

Thanks again for your support, and I'd love to hear if your DS seems to be benefiting from therapy over time.

P.S. I had to change my user name because I wasn't good about reading the rules about proper names. So, I'm shmoopy99 now. I call my kids "shmoopy" sometimes. 

[Veryl]

I am also new to this site.  My son is 22 diagnosed bipolar.   It is unspecified, but in reading and doing much research he fits all the criteria of BPD.  I have a friend that is a therapist and she also believes he has BPD. We have read a few books together and he says he can relate with these things.  At times he will read things about BPD, he tells me this his how I feel I just couldn't find the words to describe it.  We do see a psychologist, and a therapist, both of these people have refused to discuss the possibility of BPD with him. Its almost as they went deaf when the subject came up. He is holding a job down but frequently calls or comes home in a rage and threatening to punch someone. We have holes in the walls, broken phones, lamps all because of his temper.   He can't control his money, is a self cutter and self medicates with marijuana.  He says that its the only thing that helps.  He lives at home and constantly complains he has no life if he doesn't go out every night. He was hospitalized in November for suicidal thoughts and depression. He doesn't like to be left alone for any extended period if time, if he is that's when the rage and broken things come about.  My husband and I have made sure we are available for him and he isn't left alone for more them a couple hours. My husband was able to go home to see his family, but I couldn't go so vacations for us together are out of the question, and he refuses to go with us.  I will be following your posts, I pray that you find the help your family needs. 

[Shmoopy99]

Thanks for reaching out, Veryl. I don't quite understand why the psychologist and therapist rule out BPD for your son. I wish I knew because it seems like they'd be better able to help him if they would consider it. The therapist I contacted for my daughter has not gotten back to me yet, but it is  a holiday week so I'm hoping she makes contact soon.

Many of the things your son is doing are the same as my daughter: the pot smoking, bad with money, and she used to cut in high school. She also seems to think she needs to go out every night. If she's home for a night, she complains of boredom and seems depressed - just constantly staring at her smartphone. Although she doesn't say it, I don't think she likes to be left home alone for long either. She'll text asking when we're coming back if we've been gone a few hours. It certainly is a handful, isn't it?

I don't know if this is an option for you or not, but we got a couple of security cameras - one upstairs, one downstairs. Only a parent of another child with BPD would understand this, but the cameras help us check in on her to make sure she's getting to work, or otherwise managing the basics of her life when we're not home. We are not control freaks, or ever felt the need for such a thing with our older children, but they help with her. She does know they are there, but I don't think she gives them much thought.

I will follow your posts as well, and hope for the best for your family. It is not an easy road.