Hi LaurieS99
Welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place! I'm sorry to hear about your daughter and glad that you found us. It's so very hard to watch our kids suffer and cope with their behaviours. We all understand that pain.
My youngest daughter has been struggling with depression and other issues for the last few years. She spent a week at Yale New Haven psychiatric hospital last winter after battling with anxiety/depression and a suicide attempt. My older daughter (21) brought it to our attention that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder, so we started researching. We're not trying to diagnose her ourselves, but the description and symptoms of that disorder are spot on for her behaviors. She read about BPD with us and seemed to identify. She also agreed to see a therapist
My DS26 always struggled with day to day life, he was dx BPD at 24 and then re-dx at 26 GAD, depression with BPD traits. I can see people presenting differently at differentl times and a lot depends on what's going on with them at a given time. Each of us unique and our situations too, complex mental health issues are part of the territory. It's marvellous your DD has agreed to therapy.
I got some advice from a psychology professor where I work (at a college) and she thought that if BPD seems like a good description of the patterns we have observed, we should find a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) specialist and/or program. I found a few who are local, and let my daughter read through the bio's with me online and select one. She picked one, and I just called the therapist today and am waiting for a call back.
You've done your homework and it's so great you've got access to DBT. My DS has only just started therapy himself with his second session yesterday. We in similar water Laurie. We want them so badly to engage and get some benefits. It's a long road and I'm taking it gently, not delving but enough checking to show that I care and offering encouragement.
I feel like my daughter will not ever be able to set goals and meet with some success and progress in her life without some help. She is holding down a couple of part-time jobs, but both have been in jeopardy at one time or another. One of her jobs is as a veterinary assistant. She has a goal to get a two year certification as a veterinary technician, but that does not seem attainable to me with her current self-destructive patterns: she drives erratically at times, can't control her anger, and seems incapable of having healthy relationships with family, friends or boyfriends. She's been sexually promiscuous and ended up with an STD recently. Thankfully it was one that could be easily treated, but I just never know what's around the corner with her. One step forward, and then six bac
My expectations have lowered and my DSs life will not be the one that I dreamed of for him. The more I learned about BPD then the better I understood his limitations and challenges he faces each and every day. When we know better, we do better. My reactions to him triggered his behaviours and the more I did the worse it got, his relationship with the family deteriorated to breaking point. I've learnt a better way to interact with him. I changed my approach and he responded positively, very slowly. He trusts me now not to react to his mistakes, I don't judge or criticise them but recognise he's doing his very best - as I am. We all learn by mistakes.
One of her biggest issues, and I am wondering if this is common with BPD, is that she struggles with opening up and tends to tell you what you want to hear rather than what is really going on. She lies frequently, mostly if it helps her avoid confronting something.
This is common in ALL teenagers or anyone who wants to be left alone. They just tell you what they want you want to hear. With skewed thinking thrown in too. My DS doesn't rage but internalises and it makes it extremely difficult to understand what he's feeling. As our relationship improved, he tested me out to check that I wouldn't react, he knew he was safe to tell me anything. Boy, my jaw dropped more than a few times. Lies are part of the territory too. I decided my top priority was to focus on my core relationship with my DS. I figured that whatever happens in his life he's going to need me to be a more effective parent. This was the best decision and I've Ever made, it's a win, win. It started with me taking my foot off the gas pedal and not focussing on all the things that I thought that he should be doing. I changed the environment in my home by lightening up, being warm and smiley talking about anything but problems. He was so very depressed and couldn't handle his thoughts. This approach gave him some calm, non judgmental space and me the important time I needed to get to work and to learn some new skills in this site (I encourage you to read, learn and post). It's changed our lives, literally saved my family. I got back to basics.
there's a long way to go, and we're kind of stuck with her living in the basement room, causing a great deal of stress to all of us, for now. Our older three children are in college or beyond. The other three are very successful, and although we've never made comparisons, I think she does and feels the weight of that too.
We all want the same thing in life: to be loved and understood. I found that my family learned by me demonsrating behaviours that I wanted to see in them. My H and younger son found it very stressful being around DS. They were at a different stage than me at the beginning. 18 months on we are all singing from the same sheet. It's hard to feel a failure and hard not to compare yourself with successful siblings. I like to look at it that my DS is just a late developer, he'll get there, he will live independently and his life will be very different to his brothers. I've enjoyed watching his growth as I e watched by the wayside. He was reluctant and resistant to growing up. Changing my approach and becoming assertive but loving as been my key.
Sadly there's no quick fixes but there's hope. Onwards we go inching forwards. It's very important to take care of yourself. It shows your daughter how she can take care of herself too; she'll learn watch and learn despite it not looking like she's taking any of it in.
Have you made the first therapy appointment?
What support have you got for yourself if any?
Hugs. Baby steps, gently forwards together.
LP
