Introduction & Need for Support with BPD Spouse & Kids

[GlorificamusTe]

Hello,

My name is T___ and I am in need of help, guidance and support in how to care for myself and my four children as I am still living with my un-diagnosed spouse of 27+ years.  I have identified her BPD (w/ strong NPD tendancies) through one-on-one weekly counseling over the past year and half with a counselor who has his Phd. in Counsel Therapy, who has also done couple counseling with my wife and I previously on two separate occasions.  My two primary concerns I could greatly use help with are:  

1)  Guidance on what is best for my children - my oldest son - 22(favored) , son-20(targeted due to similar personality type, but not BPD), daughter-16(emotional stability for my wife going through appropriate disassociation) and my youngest son - 12 (aware of major issues, the reason I stay in the house)

2) Personal help to keep sanity and health while living in an emotionally abusive situation.

I have historically played the classic role of codependent enabler, seeking to find peace, approval and acceptance through appeasement of, what I now know, is an insatiable desire for identity by my wife.  Things worked "fine" provided I followed the script we started with - I blamed me for our problems, and so did she.  That path led to lonely, heart breaking failures on both of our parts filled with hurt, pain and loneliness.  I have come up for air over the past several years through a series of life events - Ex.: we lost our house to a fire in 2011 - that exposed our reality for what it really was and is - a fundamentally broken non-relationship - that had me chasing my tail, "trying to keep all the plates in the air" and becoming resentful and exhausted while trying to maintain personal relationships with my children amidst the unpredictable chaos of life with a BPD.

I am now at the point of realization that I live in an emotionally abusive relationship, aware of that fact, but also keenly aware that I am certainly NOT the only one in the house that is traumatized by our situation.  I am also intensely aware that I have contributed significantly to our situation and am fighting feelings of guilt, shame and self-blame for both my actions and in-actions that have hurt our children and myself.  

I have chosen to try and stay in the home (I have been in a separate bedroom for over six years) since I do not know how I could possibly expect my two youngest at home to deal with the BPD aspects of my wife while I, as an adult, find it excruciatingly difficult, if not impossible, to navigate.  I refuse to abandon them, yet I do not know how to survive it while maintaining my own mental health.  

My Christian faith has been a pillar I have leaned on extensively, but I have not found any friends who have any real idea of what my life is like or who can begin to understand what my daily life if really like as the target (word picked up from the book "Splitting".  I am exhausted, lonely and am hopeful I can find support to help me get my feet under me again and breath so I can decide whether it really is the best thing to stay or not.  My counselor and I discuss this regularly and agree that if I am still here, it will keep another, unknown man from coming into the home, so I stay to protect them physically, emotionally and spiritually.  

That's about as short as I can make it and am hopeful, but not optimistic I must admit, that I can find some help through this community.  

Thank you for listening and I hope to hear from some of you here in the near future.  Peace and blessings to you all.

Tom

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RedPill]

Hi GlorificamusTe,
I'm sorry you have gone through such a trial but I am glad you are here. One of the best things my therapist told me when struggling with guilt and self-blame for my part in the dysfunctional dance was, "You didn't know what you didn't know." You did your best. You used the tools available to you at the time. Hopefully now, by coming to this forum and through your own research, you can get some new tools that will serve you better.

Read and post. Rinse and repeat. People here know what you are going through and can help. Welcome!
--
RedPill

[takingandsending]

Hi GlorificamusTe.

I want to join RedPill and welcome you to bpdfamily. 

Living in an emotionally volatile and abusive relationship is very difficult. Your descriptions of appeasement, assignment of blame and keeping all the plates in the air are familiar ones for most of us posting on this board. I see that you have posted on the Divorce and Family Law board, but it sounds as if you aren't yet certain what path you will take. I understand the pain of being in that place. 2 years ago, I asked many of the same questions you are asking now: How do I protect myself and my children at the same time? I cannot imagine what will happen to my children if I move out - how can they negotiate BPDmom if I cannot manage it? Who will move in once I am gone, and what if they are not safe with my children? I state this just to let you know that you are not alone in your experience nor in your concerns.

In the end, the decision to stay or to leave is a deeply personal one, but there are many communication tools and personal tools for your well being that can be found on this website. Other members of the community will come along, listening, reflecting and helping you in your process of deciding what is best to do. Again, welcome to the community. I hope that we can assist and support you, and I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.