Maybe she is caring after all

[J9997]

Well I have had a bit of progress after 7 weeks, it's weird how when you a feel a bit better something has to hit you back. My ex blocked me on everything, literally everything so I couldn't contact her. It's been 6 weeks without a drop of contact and all of a sudden today I noticed she unblocked me on Facebook which I'm guessing means her curiosity spiked a little bit.

I'm not going to contact because after the way we ended it I think she is the one who should break that no contact. After these two months I think she probably won't love me enough or care enough to do so.
No contact has had its ups and downs for me but I'll continue to do it.
I don't want to anger or stress her during her therapy either.

2 months is a long long time and I'm sure she's moved on and starting to feel better about herself

I did need that closure at first to truly explain what she thinks of me now with her parents and friends painting me black and white in her head. She's very vulnerable to manipulation and unfortunately she thinks I'm the one doing it when it's the opposite and those doing it

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi J9997, 

Since this is my first time to post a reply to you, I want to extend you a warm welcome to our online family!  Thank you for keeping us up to date and perhaps most importantly, for sharing your feelings. The loneliness and pain and questions continue in spite of the fact that you've stepped back from contact, don't they? Here's a hug for you. 

You mentioned that she is in T. Are you in T as well? What are you doing to help ease your hurt and help you grow stronger? I've found in my own life that it is the times of greatest pain that push me to grow the most. I'm becoming healthier in the midst of the hardship, but also learning more and more about the dynamics that surround a turbulent relationship.

 
Wools

[J9997]

Hi Wools,

Thank you for the welcome and the reply.
It's nice just to vent really about my feelings and get others opinions and thoughts otherwise I'd drive myself crazy I'm sure. Yeah I'm trying to get back into therapy now and get back on track myself but it's a struggle at the minute. Waiting lists and finding time etc.

Yeah the loneliness hurts a lot, mainly because the questions of what are they feeling? do they care? Are they hurt too? Do they miss me? Just spin around constantly. It's all much harder when you are obsessive and find the tiniest detail to make yourself hurt

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for the response J9997. 

Yeah the loneliness hurts a lot, mainly because the questions of what are they feeling? do they care? Are they hurt too? Do they miss me? Just spin around constantly. It's all much harder when you are obsessive and find the tiniest detail to make yourself hurt

I hear you! I think you are also wanting to know if you really matter to her. Do you make a difference in her life? The questions really are not just about her though. They are also about you, and that's what I'd encourage you to see if you can take a peak at.

I've been married a long time, 32 years. My mom was uBPD. Unknowingly I carried the unhealthy cycle forward and chose someone who exhibited many of the same traits, so I well grasp the dynamics of keeping my eyes intensly focused on what DH has needed and felt. For a while it worked, but in the end I've starved myself emotionally as I sought to feed my own needs from fulfilling his. Does that make any sense to you as you think about your current situation? That's why I'd encourage you to learn about yourself and becoming healthy because it will help you to stay and keep going forward. Every skill and tool you learn to use will go into a mental tolbox that will always accompany you and be accessible no matter what situation you are in. We have relationships all around us, not only intimate ones, but also work and family relationships. The tools will help you in every area.

Have you explored the list of 'tools' on the right hand side of the board here? ---->>  Click on any and they open to explore more deeply. Read, read, read, but take it in and grow. Let these things water the seeds of growth planted in your soul. Keep venting because you are on the journey of growth!

 
Wools

[J9997]

Yeah I have tried my best to search into the relationship about me, I've tried to find things I've done wrong and it's impossible. Everyone has told me I have done nothing wrong, my parents, her parents, her friends (until she got in their head), my friends, experts, doctors, nurses, people on this forum and still I struggle because I'm battling my own brain.

Yeah that makes total sense to me. I found myself giving so much for her through the relationship I kind of lost myself. I tried to please her and give her everything and eventually it hurt me far far more. I think I'm struggling with the loss of responsibility and being busy.

I will have a look at those thank you

[J9997]

I'm really struggling today so I thought I'd just do a little bit of venting.
It's been 7 weeks since we officially broke up now and nearly 7 since my last contact with her. Everyday has been a struggle and today of all days I just feel lost.

I got unblocked the other day by her, I don't know if this is her way of seeking my attention but it's just frustrating me more now. I'm tempted to message her and the urge is so strong. I have people telling me to do so but I refuse unless she messages first. I don't want to stress her and make her feel I'm forcing her emotions. If her love and feelings towards me are gone then so be it I can't do anything to change that. She's going out enjoying herself going to music festivals and just having fun. I clearly stopped this so I'm glad she's happy now.

Finally something that is really bothering and causing me so much pain today is the last conversation we had. She called me controlling and said I got worse and worse over time. I've been ruminating my mind and I can think of a few occasions I was worried who she talked to and her going out alone. We had a few arguments about it but this was after she cheated and my paranoia levels and trust weren't great.

I don't know if this will ever happen and it's a long shot question but do you think she will ever realise that? I kind of live in hope she will know I'm not a bad person. I would never control anyone, paranoia is a beast once it begins

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again J9997,

Finally something that is really bothering and causing me so much pain today is the last conversation we had. She called me controlling and said I got worse and worse over time. I've been ruminating my mind and I can think of a few occasions I was worried who she talked to and her going out alone. We had a few arguments about it but this was after she cheated and my paranoia levels and trust weren't great.

How well I remember the day that my DH came to me a few years ago and said the exact same thing to me. Me? Controlling? Anyone who knows me sees that I am not a controlling person, yet those words sent me into a huge tailspin that lasted for a long time. I couldn't wrap my mind around it! He was the controlling one and how could he not see it? My T and I spent time discussing control and what it means. There is good control and there is bad control. Have I got your interest? He sure had mine because how could control ever be good?

When you stop for a stop sign, is that a form of control, obeying the stop sign? Yes, and it is good. Following the traffic laws is good, and yes, they are controlling. Those are examples of good control. When I attempt to control the outcome of what my DH does, then I've stepped in to the unhealthy form of control. If I try to step in to control my adult children's behaviors, I am attempting to control them. Do you see the difference?

The other thing that happened when my DH told me I was controlling is that I stepped right in to the trap of letting him define who I was. He said I was controlling, and I believed what he said must be true. It is a trap which has caused me no end of problems. You see, I learned it well from my childhood when my uBPDm said I was bad or shameful or irresponsible. Those were beliefs I carried over into my marriage, so it is no surprise when I let my DH do it too and the cycle continued. If someone calls you lazy, and you really are a very hard working person, examine what they say and ask yourself if it is true or are they only trying to define you?

Does that help you? I'm sorry that you are hurting so much today. Thanks for letting us know. I think it is wonderful that you are reaching out!  

Wools