We don't pick these people.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

OK, I've read/heard that we pick people with BPD because there is something wrong with us... .Don't make me laugh.
We DON'T pick them, we meet someone who is loving and caring and we fall in love.
We don't know they are what they are, we think we found true love and happiness but then after X amount of time their mask falls off and they show their true colours.
We didn't seek out and pick a raving lunatic.
Please stop blaming yourself for being a normal, kind loving human being.

[In a bad way]

OK, I've read/heard that we pick people with BPD because there is something wrong with us... .Don't make me laugh.
We DON'T pick them, we meet someone who is loving and caring and we fall in love.
We don't know they are what they are, we think we found true love and happiness but then after X amount of time their mask falls off and they show their true colours.
We didn't seek out and pick a raving lunatic.
Please stop blaming yourself for being a normal, kind loving human being.

[Huh?]

OK, I've read/heard that we pick people with BPD because there is something wrong with us... .Don't make me laugh.
We DON'T pick them, we meet someone who is loving and caring and we fall in love.
We don't know they are what they are, we think we found true love and happiness but then after X amount of time their mask falls off and they show their true colours.
We didn't seek out and pick a raving lunatic.
Please stop blaming yourself for being a normal, kind loving human being.

I absolutely agree.  They study us, become like us, use what they need from us, then discard us; all in search of filling the emptiness inside them.  They are predators... .we just were blissfully unaware.

However, they were also teachers because they are so similar, come from similar backgrounds, follow similar patterns, it's up to us now that our eyes have been opened to use what we have learned to make healthy partner decisions. 

It took me three consecutive relationships with NPD/BPD women to finally learn my lesson.  I know what to look for now, at the first sign of childhood trauma... .I'm out.

[Insom]

We may not pick them but we accept them.

My BPD-ex made himself attractive to me and I accepted him.  During a period when we were broken up he pursued a roommate of mine.  After one date she reported to me that there was something "off" about him and wouldn't go about with him again.  How was she able to sense this off-ness as a problem and reject it whereas I experienced it as a curiosity and accepted it?

[Ahoy]

We may not pick them but we accept them.

My BPD-ex made himself attractive to me and I accepted him.  :)uring a period when we were broken up he pursued a roommate of mine.  After one date she reported to me that there was something "off" about him and wouldn't go about with him again.  How was she able to sense this off-ness as a problem and reject it whereas I experienced it as a curiosity and accepted it?

Now I don't mean to cause offence, but I'm going to generalise a bit here... .

I genuinely think that I overlooked all my ex's red flags because I was coming from an emotionally unhealthy place (low self-esteem, poor boundaries, limited dating experience) within 1 month of long distance dating we were already saying "I love yous" christ I hadn't spent more than three consecutive days in a row with this woman just incessant messaging! We moved in and were engaged after three months... .I won't go on!

Anyways when I reflect back on this, I realised that I essentially drank the Kool-aid, I took everything at face value and thought I had found the Disney romance. Indoctrinated to the BPD charm I guess.

But 1 1/2 years removed from my marriage I have gone on dates with over 15+ women and I can happily say there were several women who gave me a very uneasy vibe, several I went on second dates and got the same feeling. Now part of it may be Hypervigilance on my part, but even applying this to non-romantic situations, I can much more easily spot people I identity with perhaps having BPD traits.

So my point from all this is that, I think a lot of us on these forums are perhaps, emotionally immature, or maybe a better way of wording it is, lacking exposure, prone to the idealisation of a BPD partner.

The good news is I regard my daily interactions as a lot more healthy and certainly in the dating world, I am much wiser and less prone to idealisation! Some people seem to develop strong boundaries naturally, others (like me) need to learn the hard way!

Good luck!

[Lalathegreat]

We may not pick them but we accept them.

Ugh, this. I agree absolutely that falling for my pwBPD does not make me "broken". He was charming and attractive and absolutely amazing. But I have to accept my part for staying for almost a year after the verbal abuse started and 9 months after the first time he physically assaulted me.

I don't believe that makes me a broken person, but I think it means that I need to examine what made me willing to tolerate poor treatment so that I don't end up here again. Awareness - that's where it's at!

[Stripey77]

In a bad way... .thank you for this. I have to remember every day that I didn't actually do anything wrong to be subjected to the 4th bout of ghosting I'm currently being subjected to.  As in literally walked past if I don't exist. Even though every friend and family member, even his own friends and ex friends have told me that the problem is him... .it has somehow yet again brought me so down (at times) because it feels like a punishment. I didn't actually do anything, I never have done to deserve this, and every time he has ended it as suddenly as he began it. But the person I fell in love with was dashing, kind, loving, affectionate, madly in love with me. The same person who is currently walking past me in bars and the street as if I were a piece of rubbish he'd discarded from his shoe. I most certainly did not fall in love with this b*stard, or choose this treatment. It all just feels like a horrible joke sometimes.

[balletomane]

I think there is a difference between blaming yourself and taking responsibility for yourself.

I don't use words like 'fault' and 'blame' any more to describe my relationship with my ex. I did at first. When I was with him and in the devastating aftermath I blamed myself for everything that went wrong, and I saw his abuse of me as something I could have prevented if only I had been less selfish, more thoughtful, and so on. "I should have done this", "I should have done that", "Why didn't I... .?" was my constant soundtrack. As I healed, and I was able to think more clearly, I realised that my tendency to doubt myself and to accept blame unfairly - a pattern throughout my life - was one of the major reasons why this abusive relationship was able to continue. My ex could not take responsibility for anything, ever. I was friends with him for a few years before we became a couple and never in all the time I knew him did I ever hear him say sorry to me or to anyone else, or even suggest that he might have been in the wrong. In his paranoid times (which became more and more frequent) he would become convinced the whole world was against him and everyone had this elaborate manipulative plot to victimise him. He once shouted at me, "You let people p1ss on you and then you call it rain" (he was upset with me for letting a friend reschedule plans with me twice in a row, as he thought this was unreasonable of her) and I can see how that would appeal to a man who can never accept responsibility for anything he does. In this respect I was the 'perfect' partner for him.

Is it my fault that he was abusive? That he manipulated me? No. I don't blame myself for his actions. But I do recognise that having this weakness made me vulnerable to him, and that for my own sake I need to become more assertive and to learn the difference between being a kind person (which I want to be) and being a doormat (which I don't). I wasn't duped by my ex. Admittedly I didn't know how bad things would get, but I saw enough to make me uneasy right from the start, so while I didn't know the full extent of the lies I did realise there was a chance he would lie to me. Again, I don't say this to blame myself - retroactively acknowledging all this to myself was a good way to begin trusting my own judgment, which was something I really needed to do in order to lose the doormat habit.

[Herodias]

I agree with you whole heartedly... .but- we didn't know about red flags. Some of us saw these and over looked them. It is not necesarily low self esteem or co-dependancy. What it really is that we are very empathetic people. They can spot us and they can figure us out very quickly. I don't see that as a bad trait. I see that as one that we need to be mindful of and protect ourselves better than we did in the past. We didn't know these type of people existed. I think it is a chance to find out the good in ourselves, because the mirrored our goodness and we fell in love with that. We do love ourselves, we just feel too exhausted and discarded to see it. It is taking me a long time to understand this. We are good people, we need to start to see the good side of ourselves. My ex told me I was a very good person and worthy of more than I realized. I believe that. He told me I didn't need to be treated that way any more and that I deserved a break from him. Does this mean he will come back around? He tried, I said no... .He is the one that lost in so many ways. He is now with someone who has the same type of morals he does. Maybe that is his way of feeling equal, I have no idea. I am tired of being blamed for our problems in this too. We stayed too long hoping to help someone and learned no one can help someone who doesn't want to be helped. That is what we did. We are looking for validation here and I believe we all wold validate each others feelings. It does hurt, It is hard to meet someone else and we are now afraid of people a little bit and are afraid we will not meet someone we will love like we h thought we did. I believe it can be better than before, because this time we know what to look for, what not to do and end up with someone we can trust. I think the people who haven't been through it don't understand and we need to try and stop talking about it with them. We will heal... .it just takes time and effort. In my case, I think my girlfriend and I both were getting older, tired of dating and these guys seemed to be so wonderful. I was 42 and never married. Not that I hadn't had relationships, but just turned out to be guys it didn't work out with. She was divorced and single for a long time. Her ex cheated on her and she was hurt. It was ironic we both ended up with men with personality disorders. They treated us so well, we had no idea what we were in for. She is out dating again, but met another one since she didn't learn the red flags. Now I can spot them everywhere. That's what we need to watch out for.

[roberto516]

He is the one that lost in so many ways.

This is something that can be so easily lost in all the negative emotions. I thought of this the other day. What did I lose? I lost a beautiful woman (on the outside) and someone who I felt "got my humor". I also lost what I thought was my best friend. Honestly... .that's it.

What did she lose? She lost someone who had her best interest at heart. Someone who would always come over and hold her when she was sad. Someone who spent countless times helping her through anxiety and pushing her to see that she could achieve things she didn't believe she could. She lost someone who, from what it seems about her exe's, never had a thought in his head of being unfaithful to her. She lost someone who sacrificed countless times to either watch her dog, come over on days she needed me, etc. She lost someone who began to find real joy in doing things like take her to the mall so she could shop. And she lost someone who finally was willing and committed to making a relationship work and being willing to put the work in.

This is always a great exercise for me to practice. Not even about winning or losing when comparing both of us. But this has given me the opportunity to finally dig into myself and see who I really am. All my character defects, faulty coping skills, family structure, etc. This is actually an amazing blessing to be able to really know who I am. "normal" people don't know who they are. So I will gain in that regard too. It's a pretty cool thing to actually know who you are for the first time in your life.

[Owen]

I completely agree that we all need to assess what went wrong and understand that mental health is a serious, serious issue. And BPD is an exceptional case. And part of that issue, is that it confuses those without BPD that they were responsible for things that we weren't.

I do think the term "predator" is a little harsh. It's actually probably accurate, but from what I can tell, someone with BPD isn't maliciously doing anything, and is actually really just trying to find love, genuinely, from someone - it's only that their needs and definition of what "love" means is different than to someone without those BPD traits. I think it's important to understand that as unacceptable, unhealthy, and hurtful as they can be, they really do mean what they say about how they feel, and they really FEEL it. And that's the issue. And their underdeveloped ability to cope with things makes those feelings overwhelm them to a degree that they respond to them in terrible, unhealthy ways.

But I guess I take issue with the term "predator" because it suggests a maliciousness, a deliberateness, that I don't necessarily believe is probably there. They're emotionally broken, and without any treatment can potentially be horrendously painful people to live with --  but they're really just hurting inside and don't know how to handle it all.

I think what I'm trying to do now is understand that, deep down to my core. And for me, it feels like if I can truly get to that place, where I'm not so actively hurt anymore by the traumas of my relationship with my uBPDex, that it will help ME feel less broken by it all.

It's a crazy world out there, and we all need people who can help us get through the hard times. And the challenge is, that in a BPD relationship, the non is simply not a person who can do it on their own.

It's all very tragic, really.

[once removed]

I think there is a difference between blaming yourself and taking responsibility for yourself.

blaming ourselves or others gets us nowhere but hurt. taking responsibility for ourselves empowers us.

i didnt get with my ex because im a good, kind hearted guy. i didnt stay in an abusive, quagmire of relationship turmoil because i loved myself. i didnt go to extremes in terms of my own behavior because i was a "normal person". i didnt heal and move on from my ex as a result of telling myself i was. and i did not then proceed into arguably less healthy relationship because i had learned to spot red flags.

all of that happened because i had dysfunctional relationship skills - not that i was broken.

we mate with our emotional equals. you wont go onto healthier relationships by practicing avoidance. youll do so by upping your navigating skills and emotional maturity.

[jo19854]

We DON'T pick them, we meet someone who is loving and caring and we fall in love.
We don't know they are what they are, we think we found true love and happiness

I 100% agree.
That's exactly how i feel and i still cannot understand the sudden discard.
What do they really want? It seems nothing is ever good enough. And then they suddenly destroy everyone who loves them.

[roberto516]

I 100% agree.
That's exactly how i feel and i still cannot understand the sudden discard.
What do they really want? It seems nothing is ever good enough. And then they suddenly destroy everyone who loves them.

Someone above us posted something very relevant. They probably felt the same way about us. They probably assumed that we were also the loving caring people we were. They probably believed they had found true love. I know my ex did. The difference is that, in my situation, she felt that once love was found that it was it. That we would live in utter joy and happiness forever with no fights or any work needing to be put into the relationship. That was her view of love. And so she must have felt disappointed when I would want to talk about stuff, when I would get upset or feel hurt, etc. She probably thought "This isn't what I signed up for." And when I fell into a deep depression after the passing of a loved one she probably never envisioned a time that she would have to support me/take care of me as it never had happened before. So her view of love was disappointed. Kinda like us. Just my two cents.

[40days_in_desert]

I think every situation is a little different. Some may have issues or just coming out of a bad relationship that makes us more susceptible to being attached to pwBPD. My situation, come to find out, has to do with a discovery after she left. I had feelings of not being good enough from my father. His intentions were good, I'm sure, but it was never good enough. I never heard "good job" or "I'm proud of you". For that matter, I never heard him tell me that he loved me and never showed affection (he is a former Marine). This drove me to push harder at success at work, school, sports, etc. Bring home a near perfect report card and the response was why wasn't it perfect? Then when I met her, stbxwBPD, the idealization statements that she showered me with cured those "not good enough" feelings about myself. At least for a while. I see the red flags now but didn't want to back then. I see them in women that I go out on dates with now.

[resiliant_dad]

My biggest takeaway from BPD, after 4+ years of marriage, as well as 2 sons and a third on the way, is this:
Nothing is ever my wife's fault. Everything is on me, all issues, many mine, many more hers, she projects on me.
I've accepted that part, because I can see her total lack of self-reflection, which of course is a key component of BPD.
I don't blame her for this, and am trying not to "blame" myself for not recognizing this trait in her. My wife's mental illness prevents her from taking responsibility and I accept that. My wife is sick; whether she intentionally masked her true personality, or more likely, just followed her broken instincts to gain acceptance, which combined with my own personality traits created a toxic marriage.
She projects all blame on me, on my family, or on her family, depending on, I don't know, perhaps the tides? Either way, she's patently unable to recognize her culpability.
At the risk of breaking forum etiquette; after reading the OP, what is your excuse? It's not "our fault" it's his. Or hers. They set us up. We are complete innocents, just good people caught by the evil predator.
That sounds 100% like the thought process of my wife, of a textbook BPD.
Take a look in the mirror. And keep looking. Only thing you can control is you. It takes 2 to tangle. 2 to tango too, but that autocorrect worked just as well in this instance.

[In a bad way]

Thanks for everyone's response.
What I was trying to say is that people say that we are somehow attracted to people with BPD, my point is that I disagree.
They don't have BPD stamped on their forehead , so how do we know?
In my case she was a lovely woman who I had known for a couple of years and then we got together and fell in love, everything was perfect. Does that mean I should have known that 4 months down the line she would turn into a nutter? Not at all.
If you take that view we would not even have friends.
I've since found out I'm not the first so I know I won't be the last.
If we thought that everyone we meet is going to do that to us we would never start a relationship with anyone.
We don't look for people with BPD, same as we don't get a cute puppy knowing in 6 months time it will turn into a rabid dog.
We meet someone, trust them, fall in love... .end of... .Anyone who says we look for people who are not right and will hurt us down the line is wrong.

[lovenature]

People with healthy enough self worth consider idealization to be weird and not normal, they move on before ever reaching devaluation. If they do reach devaluation they are gone for sure, unlike co-dependents who stay and try to "love" their PWBPD better.

[Helplessly]

People with healthy enough self worth consider idealization to be weird and not normal, they move on before ever reaching devaluation. If they do reach devaluation they are gone for sure, unlike co-dependents who stay and try to "love" their PWBPD better.

Correct.

[Harley Quinn]

Speaking from personal experience, the love bombing phase gave me back a sense of self esteem I was sorely lacking after being in a relationship with a covert narcissist for 10 years.  I chose single motherhood over remaining in that toxic relationship in the end, yet was feeling worn down, like a shadow of my former self and didn't believe anyone could truly love me.  Meeting my exBPDbf and being made to feel so amazing filled a void in me that I hadn't tried to fill myself.  That was the point I should have known that this wasn't healthy. 

As others have said, we were all involved in these relationships and took part in the dance.  Had we been emotionally healthy to begin with things would not have reached devaluation stage as we'd have seen that the idealisation is over inflated and unrealistic to maintain.  I have work to do and recognise this now.

Love and light x

[HopefulDad]

We do pick them... .

Every day you wake up in a relationship, you have a choice to love or leave.  If you choose to love, you picked them that day.

You picked the sweetheart with whom you went on several early dates.  On days they were abusive, you picked them again.  On days they shrouded you in F.O.G., you picked them again.  You picked them on the days they gaslighted you.  You picked them day after day after day.

It's not an indictment or something to beat yourself up over,  but it is important to own that and to make a change: pick someone worth picking every day.