If BPD people project; do we do it too?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am starting this post as a continuation to "what is our part" post that I commented in.

So many of us have talked about what BPD folks do when it comes to the art of projection.  But I don't think I have seen many threads about the opposite: what do we project onto the BPD person?

So many of us (I"m trying to save myself by writing this right now) beat ourselves up by asking what did we do wrong, why didn't we see this etc.  We focus on our flaws after r/s fallout because we feel so flawed.  Could this be what the subconscious goal of the sociopathic personality is?. Notice I said the subconscious.  I don't really believe the BPD/ or personality disordered person knows "why" they are doing what they are doing. Its a program downloaded in them in some way shape or form.

So they wind up playing a role for us.  They find out what our desires are and give them to us.  It can be subtle at first but as I mentioned in the other post, I realized my desire to want to be PART of Something- drives me to be compassionate in relationship.  I have always had a strong desire to be in relationship.  Some experts will say that the human is wired for pair-bonding.  I think as a person on the opposite side of the equation to BPD PROJECTION is the key to understanding why I do what I do.

For example:

I did some inner child work with a therapist and realized that I was projecting my Inner child onto my partners.  How? What does that mean? 

My inner child did not get validated when I was younger.  I was parentified.  I had to be the strong one in the family for everyone.  I was the emotional mature one or the "glue" for my family. 
So with these partners that I have had that exhibit BPD when I am minimizing their bad behavior it's because I'm trying to love them to a level that my inner child never received.  So all my encouraging all of my understanding is really the talk that I want (at a deep level) to give to myself.  But until this r/s I didn't know that all my dialoging was externally focused. 

Since I'm in the fallout stage I'll share this.  Why do we (non's) beat ourselves up so much for falling victim to these personality types?  but yet if we met up with them again we would have so much compassion for them? so much understanding for them? willing to give them another try?

I found for me and I'm asking others to contemplate, that I was using them externally to heal my inner child wounds.  Rather then tell myself all the positive things that i was willing to tell them- I needed them!  I needed them because I was projecting my inner child onto them and then trying to heal that through them rather then through me.   It was such a big realization and I have to tell you that even though I know this now- If I met her  I would still be tempted to connect on that level.
Why? because part of the projection is the greater good- I realize that her inner child was ignored too. I realize that she didn't get normal/healthy parental love either.  I wanted to partner up with her and past partners to get over this subconsciously together (I wasn't aware of it until now).
I got hooked because I recognized my inner child in her too.  The only difference is they seem to have extra ability that we don't typically do- to project their wounded inner child on us to (acceptance stage) and then go into the projection of the hater (their angry parent).   Whereas I think us NON's tend to stay in the benevolent parent mode with their inner child!  I don't think that anyone really knows or can explain why BPD people switch but maybe its possible that they despise their inner child so much that they can never believe or hear what the benevolent parents voice is.  Too early were they conditioned to believe that love is about being used and so what we think is benevolent in the beginning of the r/s is probably just them projecting control.

Anyway, I learned that this projection of first my inner child and subsequent follow up of benevolent parent talk is something that I really need to look at.  It is still hard to realize or conceptualize that they or their inner child wouldn't want to hear or get love in some way.  When they start hurting us and we tell them that they are hurting us I think the reason they can't handle that is they start projecting onto us the "hater parent" rather then be able to understand or accept the benevolent parent in us.  They probably don't trust it. 

Also I believe we emesh too or allow ourselves to get emeshed.  How? for me, by trying to heal her somehow I felt i was healing me.  When she cut off this possibility I felted flawed again and a loss of all possibility of healing myself.  Why? because I believe through my enmeshment with her that I have lost the ability to heal my wounds.  I gave her, as my female partner ,the power over me to make me feel whole again.  It still feels real and I still am mourning that I supposedly lost that power simply because I have convinced myself that there will be no other person who can give me those things which made me feel whole- and those things were her!  I did that to myself.  I needed another person to feel whole.  I was healing my own inner child but I was using her (subconsciously) to get the job done.  I'm kind've sad realizing all of this now.  I do know this, The critical parent in me will be wondering forever how i could have avoided this, why did I do this? what is wrong with me? and the Benevolent Parent in me will ask: What have you learned from this? look at how far you have come?  I understand how that could have been a hook for you? we sometimes get hooked with the best intentions
 
So I'll continue working on journaling (and expressing through this board) what dialogue I would tell to them and turn that back inward.   What if I could do this before I get in another relationship again? What if I gave the compassion and understanding that I give to the BPD partner to myself on a consistent basis?  or whenever I was scared etc.?    The biggest one for me is my lack of self esteem regarding my age and the belief that I won't be able to be in a r/s for quite some time due to my financial situation now and my physical challenges that I mentioned in the other post.  I have to release my benevolent parent to come to the aid of my wounded inner child



 

[truthbeknown]

I am starting this post as a continuation to "what is our part" post that I commented in.

So many of us have talked about what BPD folks do when it comes to the art of projection.  But I don't think I have seen many threads about the opposite: what do we project onto the BPD person?

So many of us (I"m trying to save myself by writing this right now) beat ourselves up by asking what did we do wrong, why didn't we see this etc.  We focus on our flaws after r/s fallout because we feel so flawed.  Could this be what the subconscious goal of the sociopathic personality is?. Notice I said the subconscious.  I don't really believe the BPD/ or personality disordered person knows "why" they are doing what they are doing. Its a program downloaded in them in some way shape or form.

So they wind up playing a role for us.  They find out what our desires are and give them to us.  It can be subtle at first but as I mentioned in the other post, I realized my desire to want to be PART of Something- drives me to be compassionate in relationship.  I have always had a strong desire to be in relationship.  Some experts will say that the human is wired for pair-bonding.  I think as a person on the opposite side of the equation to BPD PROJECTION is the key to understanding why I do what I do.

For example:

I did some inner child work with a therapist and realized that I was projecting my Inner child onto my partners.  How? What does that mean? 

My inner child did not get validated when I was younger.  I was parentified.  I had to be the strong one in the family for everyone.  I was the emotional mature one or the "glue" for my family. 
So with these partners that I have had that exhibit BPD when I am minimizing their bad behavior it's because I'm trying to love them to a level that my inner child never received.  So all my encouraging all of my understanding is really the talk that I want (at a deep level) to give to myself.  But until this r/s I didn't know that all my dialoging was externally focused. 

Since I'm in the fallout stage I'll share this.  Why do we (non's) beat ourselves up so much for falling victim to these personality types?  but yet if we met up with them again we would have so much compassion for them? so much understanding for them? willing to give them another try?

I found for me and I'm asking others to contemplate, that I was using them externally to heal my inner child wounds.  Rather then tell myself all the positive things that i was willing to tell them- I needed them!  I needed them because I was projecting my inner child onto them and then trying to heal that through them rather then through me.   It was such a big realization and I have to tell you that even though I know this now- If I met her  I would still be tempted to connect on that level.
Why? because part of the projection is the greater good- I realize that her inner child was ignored too. I realize that she didn't get normal/healthy parental love either.  I wanted to partner up with her and past partners to get over this subconsciously together (I wasn't aware of it until now).
I got hooked because I recognized my inner child in her too.  The only difference is they seem to have extra ability that we don't typically do- to project their wounded inner child on us to (acceptance stage) and then go into the projection of the hater (their angry parent).   Whereas I think us NON's tend to stay in the benevolent parent mode with their inner child!  I don't think that anyone really knows or can explain why BPD people switch but maybe its possible that they despise their inner child so much that they can never believe or hear what the benevolent parents voice is.  Too early were they conditioned to believe that love is about being used and so what we think is benevolent in the beginning of the r/s is probably just them projecting control.

Anyway, I learned that this projection of first my inner child and subsequent follow up of benevolent parent talk is something that I really need to look at.  It is still hard to realize or conceptualize that they or their inner child wouldn't want to hear or get love in some way.  When they start hurting us and we tell them that they are hurting us I think the reason they can't handle that is they start projecting onto us the "hater parent" rather then be able to understand or accept the benevolent parent in us.  They probably don't trust it. 

Also I believe we emesh too or allow ourselves to get emeshed.  How? for me, by trying to heal her somehow I felt i was healing me.  When she cut off this possibility I felted flawed again and a loss of all possibility of healing myself.  Why? because I believe through my enmeshment with her that I have lost the ability to heal my wounds.  I gave her, as my female partner ,the power over me to make me feel whole again.  It still feels real and I still am mourning that I supposedly lost that power simply because I have convinced myself that there will be no other person who can give me those things which made me feel whole- and those things were her!  I did that to myself.  I needed another person to feel whole.  I was healing my own inner child but I was using her (subconsciously) to get the job done.  I'm kind've sad realizing all of this now.  I do know this, The critical parent in me will be wondering forever how i could have avoided this, why did I do this? what is wrong with me? and the Benevolent Parent in me will ask: What have you learned from this? look at how far you have come?  I understand how that could have been a hook for you? we sometimes get hooked with the best intentions
 
So I'll continue working on journaling (and expressing through this board) what dialogue I would tell to them and turn that back inward.   What if I could do this before I get in another relationship again? What if I gave the compassion and understanding that I give to the BPD partner to myself on a consistent basis?  or whenever I was scared etc.?    The biggest one for me is my lack of self esteem regarding my age and the belief that I won't be able to be in a r/s for quite some time due to my financial situation now and my physical challenges that I mentioned in the other post.  I have to release my benevolent parent to come to the aid of my wounded inner child



 

[panhead67]

hey true
Jus wanted to thank you for sharing this. Understanding must be one part to our eventual healing.
I know rumination is still a struggle for me, at times it can distract me from my path of positivity and peace.
In the process now also, learning how to pour the love into myself, my inner child, that i gave to my loved one. I was without a relationship for many years, but did no inner child work.so i repeated this cycle, but with it this time the gift of learning, understanding and the hope of healing.

[roberto516]

All humans project. Best example is when I raged at her after the breakup. I was projecting my own inner anger at my self onto her. Even in the relationship my anger at her was anger at myself for not sticking up for myself etc.

[joeramabeme]

Great post Truth.

I found for me and I'm asking others to contemplate, that I was using them externally to heal my inner child wounds.  Rather then tell myself all the positive things that i was willing to tell them- I needed them!  I needed them because I was projecting my inner child onto them and then trying to heal that through them rather then through me.   It was such a big realization and I have to tell you that even though I know this now- If I met her  I would still be tempted to connect on that level.

I agree with this statement and I also think that we do need others to grow through these areas of development.  You would not tell a child to love themselves through where they are stuck and I think the same is true for those parts of us that are stuck in an earlier time.

My ex certainly helped with many components that were delayed and though I wished she could have helped me with all of it, no one really can but me.  So, we get to this point of recognizing the source of our attraction and then work at inner healing.   A very very difficult path.

[Violettine]

We all do it.

[Gumiho]

Great post.
I reckon it's kind of a cycle like pwBPD mirror us (nons) and we mirror it right back (by JADEing). That's how I see it. The keys are to obvious... .if only it wasn't that hard to stop reflecting back my inner child. Though it's ofc our job to fix ourselves, none elses.
Interesting.

[Hopeful_Me]

Great post. I was going to start a similar post asking members here if they know what "their part" in choosing and staying in relationship with someone with this disorder.

I've been in recovery from codependency my entire adult life. I know my part well. It didn't come easily thanks to my old friend, denial. It's disappointing to read how others blame their misery on the person with BPD when in reality it's not all their fault.

I let go a day, sometimes a nano-second at a time.  And I do a hell of  a lot of inner work on myself. Practice EXTREME self care and the 12 steps. I have chosen not to wait for him to heal. That is my path, my choice today.

I choose me and peace today.