Need advise

[Step]

My stepdaughter was just diagnosed with BPD traits. The last year has been filled with cutting, threats and suicide attempts. The year prior she was bullied merciless at school and became anorexic due to it. She is currently in an residential treatment center (part time;yes this is a thing in uk)because her mother who has sole custody is not comfortable having her.  the mother has been diagnosed with severe depression and it has been ongoing on off situation. The mother we recently found out is also telling neighbors that she has nothing to live for and saying she is sucidal Etc... .  There is a lot of mirroring happening it seems.  The custody issue is one we have looked into however our attorney has advised that since we are in another country a judge would be unlikely to go on our side. I have read a few books and what I am stuck on is
1) with BPD can a change to a positive environment negate the traits? 
2) is lying about sexual behavior a norm with BPD. Example she said she was raped at a party her mom was at(party had alcohol and drugs and her mom let her stayed... .) Would not tell us by who. Through phone we saw she had told her boyfriend it was a certain boy. Refuses to talk to police. People at party said she was fine and bragging about having sex and two weeks later we see on Her phone she is sexting the boy she accused and asking to have him around the house.
We don't know what to do. We are getting the best consultants we can find involved but her mother refuses to allow treatment that is not government sponsored (UK)   Considering a custody battle but concerned we may worsen situation. We don't want to lose her

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Step,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you decided to join us.

My stepdaughter was just diagnosed with BPD traits. The last year has been filled with cutting, threats and suicide attempts.

I'm sorry to hear that it was a difficult year for both of you, some people are not diagnosed for decades or are not diagnosed at all. At least now there's a name that's attached to the behaviours - BPD.

The year prior she was bullied merciless at school and became anorexic due to it.

I'm sorry to hear that, did the bullying get reported to the school? Has the bullying stopped?

There is a lot of mirroring happening it seems.  The custody issue is one we have looked into however our attorney has advised that since we are in another country a judge would be unlikely to go on our side.

What did the L say about her mother having a long term mental illness? Is her mother taking care of her depression and getting under control or is she in the percentile where meds don't work for her? I'm not a lawyer and can't offer legal advice, if her mother is diagnosed and can't take care of her, wouldn't it be in a child's interest to be with family?

1) with BPD can a change to a positive environment negate the traits?

BPD is a serious mental illness , a pwBPD need therapy and possibly some medications depending on what comorbid mental illnesses are present. A more positive environment would be more helpful but she's not going to recover from her traits.

2) is lying about sexual behavior a norm with BPD.

Everyone that suffers from the disorder has a different personality with different traits along a continuum and severity of the traits. A pwBPD can dissociate, alter reality to match their out of place feelings. It very could be that she was raped, but wanting to be around her rapist is unusual behaviour, it is possibly that she feels a lot of shame, if she even had sex with him, and probably projecting those feelings.

[wendydarling]

Hi Step

I join Mutt welcoming you to bpdfamily   

I'm sorry you are so far away from your young DD/stepdaughter, it's hard doing your best from afar to help her. I'm glad you found us, you are not alone.

With BPD can a change to a positive environment negate the traits?  Yes, stats indicate parental/ friend support assists recovery. It's more than we think as we set out, it requires us standing back to fully understand our childs disorder, educate ourselves, change our behaviour and learn what feels like counter intuitive skills to the right of your screen to improve communication and understanding, the relationship has been core to my 28DD's ongoing recovery over the last 2yrs 

How old is your step daughter? Does she have other family members in the UK?

WDx

[wendydarling]

Hi Step

You may also wish to visit the family, law and custody board too, to see if members in the US / UK have advice, experience of your situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

See you soon.

WDx