What to do about our fur baby?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been over a week since my ex partner with BPD and I went out separate ways, via text which is his usual go to (sorry still need to learn all the correct acronyms to use here). We've been living together for almost 2 years and so I have now moved back to my house. But we share a dog. And I need help on this one as I'm sure many of you have gone through the same situation.

The dog is equally attached to both of us - I don't work so he has spent lots of time with me during the day, but he also gets to go to the office with his Dad. The registration, this year, is in my ex's name.

I'm managing limited contact this past week but the contact we have had is to do with our dog. I had him to stay with me over the weekend as my ex was out of town on business and the dog has never stayed in a kennel or had anyone else look after him. Then I got a message a few days ago saying that my ex was sick and could I have the dog for the day. I did - although no contact with my ex.

The dog became seriously unwell when I was away recently for a few weeks and ended up in an afterhours emergency animal hospital. He's a sensitive dog and I do strongly believe dogs pick up on emotions and energy of their humans. When I took him for a walk yesterday he was showing all the signs of being unwell.

Last night I got a message from my ex telling me the dog was not eating and looking unwell. I called to discuss it - he rejected the call, and reverted to messages again. But then just as quickly as he started the conversation, he stopped replying. I checked in today for a dog update, he has seen the message and just hasn't bothered to reply to me.

Dogs suffer from divorces and break ups too and I'm not necessarily questioning my ex's intention with this as far as actively trying to lure me in or anything like that. But it's so tough because I want to ensure our dog remains healthy and settled through our relationship issues. I suddenly thought perhaps there was someone else at the house last night which is why he rejected my call when I rang. The poor dog will be struggling to understand what has happened to his pack and why I'm no longer in the house and bed for cuddles each day. Not to mention if there is some stranger now there too... .arrgggghh I think I can handle the process of detachment from my ex with time, but not with our dog. And my ex's typical behvaiour of not answering the phone and then reading messages and not replying is driving me mad right now - especially as I'm just desperate for an update on the little guy. Afterall, if he's really sick then we need to get him to the vet! But trying not to play in to BPD tendencies either.

What to do? Any advice from fellow dog lovers?

[Magokoro]

It's been over a week since my ex partner with BPD and I went out separate ways, via text which is his usual go to (sorry still need to learn all the correct acronyms to use here). We've been living together for almost 2 years and so I have now moved back to my house. But we share a dog. And I need help on this one as I'm sure many of you have gone through the same situation.

The dog is equally attached to both of us - I don't work so he has spent lots of time with me during the day, but he also gets to go to the office with his Dad. The registration, this year, is in my ex's name.

I'm managing limited contact this past week but the contact we have had is to do with our dog. I had him to stay with me over the weekend as my ex was out of town on business and the dog has never stayed in a kennel or had anyone else look after him. Then I got a message a few days ago saying that my ex was sick and could I have the dog for the day. I did - although no contact with my ex.

The dog became seriously unwell when I was away recently for a few weeks and ended up in an afterhours emergency animal hospital. He's a sensitive dog and I do strongly believe dogs pick up on emotions and energy of their humans. When I took him for a walk yesterday he was showing all the signs of being unwell.

Last night I got a message from my ex telling me the dog was not eating and looking unwell. I called to discuss it - he rejected the call, and reverted to messages again. But then just as quickly as he started the conversation, he stopped replying. I checked in today for a dog update, he has seen the message and just hasn't bothered to reply to me.

Dogs suffer from divorces and break ups too and I'm not necessarily questioning my ex's intention with this as far as actively trying to lure me in or anything like that. But it's so tough because I want to ensure our dog remains healthy and settled through our relationship issues. I suddenly thought perhaps there was someone else at the house last night which is why he rejected my call when I rang. The poor dog will be struggling to understand what has happened to his pack and why I'm no longer in the house and bed for cuddles each day. Not to mention if there is some stranger now there too... .arrgggghh I think I can handle the process of detachment from my ex with time, but not with our dog. And my ex's typical behvaiour of not answering the phone and then reading messages and not replying is driving me mad right now - especially as I'm just desperate for an update on the little guy. Afterall, if he's really sick then we need to get him to the vet! But trying not to play in to BPD tendencies either.

What to do? Any advice from fellow dog lovers?

[roberto516]

Wait until he paints you white again and then see if he will change the name of the registration to your name. When he paints you white ask him if you can have the dog.

When I left my ex said I needed to take the dog because she couldn't take care of both her dog and the one we got together. So I did. But everything was still in her name. One day on the path to a recycle I asked her to accept the information I sent to her which had the chip inside the dog changed to my name and address. She did it.

I knew she'd be back one day for the dog and she did which started the recycle. Now it's in my name and I don't even think she cares about the dog anymore. It was just an object she wanted to get to give her life some purpose in that moment.

Now here's the part where I am going to be adamant. If you can find anyway to get the dog without being manipulative or angry then please do it. Remember, people with possible traits of a disorder like this view things as objects. I see it in hindsight with her dog. She rarely took him out for walks, played with him etc. I did all of that. He was an object to her.

I'm sure she still treats him the same way. Whereas the dog we bought together which is now mine I take to the park all the time, feed her well, run around and play with her, cuddle and kiss her nonstop, etc. For the dog's sake it needs someone who won't view it as an object but as something that is deserving of love and care.

Just my two cents. Sorry, I'm a little biased as you can tell. But the approach I said worked for me. I noticed she was feeling remorseful after 2 months of ignoring me and, for right or wrong, I pounced on that and asked her to change the registration to my name and address. It worked. 

[Magokoro]

Thank you roberto516. That all makes sense and I will certainly try when the moment is right. I've waited half the day to get an update on the dog but heard nothing. So I called him, and it's almost like he's saying "there's nothing to worry about". He was out having lunch, really relaxed and here I was still worried sick that our dog was unwell, based on the messages I had received from my ex during the night. And rather than have me spend time with the dog today, he told me he has got the dog walker to come instead. I just had to act like that didn't hurt but wow it really hurt! I'm his mum and have been for the last 2 years. I'm not working so i can easily spend time with the dog during the day but my ex is clearly in a zone right now, and he is also REALLY REALLY sick with a nasty head cold. So it's a recipe for all sorts of bad behaviour to come out. I just feel for our dog - he can't understand what's going on other than realising that I'm suddenly not around. So tough :-(

[ScottishKin]

Unfortunately, I can't offer any advice on this but I can certainly feel your pain.

When my wife and I broke up, she turned to the dark side and when I approached her about our two dogs I was told they were her dogs now. This led to me acting out uncharacteristically, basically ensuring I never set eyes on them again.

Lesson learned. Don't share anything with your partner the law won't ensure you have rights to access or you're not willing to walk away from if it goes south. BYOD next time.

[CatBelle]

I understand how you feel my ex and I share two dogs.  Both of the dogs were gifts that he gave me so when we parted he let me take them. They live with me but he has a key to my house and will take them on walks. He has a doggie door at his house and I do not. I have a key to his house, we live around the corner from each other, and the dogs will often spend the day at his house while I am at work. He wanted me to get a doggie door and I have purchased one but it has not been installed yet. I know he loves the dogs and I do not want to deny him the right to see them. After the breakup, he cheated on me and is currently with her, I asked that he not have the dogs over when she is there. The one time that happened they acted very strange. They are very sensitive and it breaks my heart. I was so afraid to ask him to not have them with her but was pleasantly surprised when he understood and respected my request. Last week he yelled at me outside of church because he is losing his friends over his treatment of me.
He reached out to me a few days later and we had a really good talk. He bought me flowers. When I reminded him later in a text the dogs are not allowed with her
he got mad and said he would get his own dog. He thinks it isn't fair to him. Am I wrong? I told him I wanted him to still see the dogs but now he is not responding.
I have not asked anything of him but this. I told him I appreciated him respecting my wishes. Why the change? I guess I will just have to wait and see if he contacts me again.

[Skip]

Who technically owns the dog? Regardless of love for the pup, pets are generally considered property in the eyes of the law.

If the pup it is his property, I would follow ScottishKin's advice, and be available, but not clingy or demanding - rather, appreciative.

It's really hard when there are pets.