Can shame prevent her from reaching out after a breakup?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does shame prevent them from reaching out after a breakup? What about if the way they treated you was truly awful and cruel? Are they so ashamed of themselves that they can't face what they've done?

Also, regarding how important you were to them, is it true the more important you were to them, the less likely it is you'll hear from them after a particularly nasty breakup?

[jinglebells1989]

Does shame prevent them from reaching out after a breakup? What about if the way they treated you was truly awful and cruel? Are they so ashamed of themselves that they can't face what they've done?

Also, regarding how important you were to them, is it true the more important you were to them, the less likely it is you'll hear from them after a particularly nasty breakup?

[roberto516]

I can only speak for my experience and my thoughts because she never gave me closure to what I was looking for and actually wasn't able to answer certain questions. I think she didn't reach out because she had felt abandoned by me. Combined with the fact I was pursuing her she didn't need to reach out. Then when I lost it and said some mean stuff I was painted black so there is no reason to reach out.

The only time she reached out throughout the breakup and recycle was when she needed something from me.

I think after a nasty breakup in general it's unlikely to hear from your ex again. I mean, in all fairness, I said a lot of nasty stuff in anger at myself which I projected outward onto her. So I won't hear from her again. It is what it is. Deep down, I'm better off. Hope any of this helps.

[Skip]

I can only speak for my experience and my thoughts because she never gave me closure... .

We can learn about human nature and the aberrations of BPD traits and bring knowledge and closure to ourselves... .

Of course shame can inhibit any of us from reaching out. If we mess things up royally by acting immaturely, it is not uncommon to withdraw from the situation. This is true for all of us - more so for people with BPD traits who often experience shame and self doubt. It some ways for people with BPD, its easier to start over than repair broken situations.

Also, regarding how important you were to them, is it true the more important you were to them, the less likely it is you'll hear from them after a particularly nasty breakup?

In any relationship, the more someone is hurt in a breakup, which can be a function of either how much they were attached and/or how nasty the breakup was, the more likely there will not be post breakup contact. This is true for BPD as well as others.

There are many other factors too... .such as the first one you mentioned (shame) or what their future holds (e.g., are they dating someone else or involved in a new job or new friend or relocation, etc.).

When there is recycling, there is still strong connection, even if the relationship is broken. When the connections are broken (or destroyed), the recycling ends.

[Roselily]

Hi Jinglebells,
I feel it's more complicated than just shame, although a likely component. People with PD's are complex and fragmented... .There is a lack of integration ... .so trying to guess, assume ... .or wonder ... is just hard. They likely don't know themselves the answer to the question. More important question... .what are you looking to happen if this person did? Do you want to get back with them? Where are you in your recovery?

[jinglebells1989]

Hi Jinglebells,
I feel it's more complicated than just shame, although a likely component. People with PD's are complex and fragmented... .There is a lack of integration ... .so trying to guess, assume ... .or wonder ... is just hard. They likely don't know themselves the answer to the question. More important question... .what are you looking to happen if this person did? Do you want to get back with them? Where are you in your recovery?

I don't want to and won't ever get back to her. It's just that I read recycling stories on here all the time and it would be nice to feel as if I meant enough to her that she would reach out to me again but I've got nothing.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jinglebells 1989,

I don't want to and won't ever get back to her. It's just that I read recycling stories on here all the time and it would be nice to feel as if I meant enough to her that she would reach out to me again but I've got nothing.

Every r/s is different in how it plays out.  There are a multitude of reasons why she may or may not reach out and we could sit and wonder about these all day yet it's unlikely we'll know for sure. 

My message to you is don't put your happiness in the hands of another.  It comes from within.  Part of your detaching and moving on will be in deciding that whatever your ex does or doesn't do from this point will not have any bearing on you and your own progress as an individual.  Focusing too much on looking back can only slow us down in moving forwards. 

Try not to compare to what has or hasn't happened with others.  I know there can be many similarities in behavioural traits in our ex partners yet differences still remain.  Focus on you now.  What are you doing to aid your own healing?

Love and light x

[jinglebells1989]

Hi jinglebells 1989,

Every r/s is different in how it plays out.  There are a multitude of reasons why she may or may not reach out and we could sit and wonder about these all day yet it's unlikely we'll know for sure. 

My message to you is don't put your happiness in the hands of another.  It comes from within.  Part of your detaching and moving on will be in deciding that whatever your ex does or doesn't do from this point will not have any bearing on you and your own progress as an individual.  Focusing too much on looking back can only slow us down in moving forwards. 

Try not to compare to what has or hasn't happened with others.  I know there can be many similarities in behavioural traits in our ex partners yet differences still remain.  Focus on you now.  What are you doing to aid your own healing?

Love and light x

Unfortunately I think what is going to make me finally let this go is leaving the city. I have lived in New York City now for 3 years this September and I have always known that I don't want to live here here the rest of my life, I just didn't think it would end this way.

I met her only 6 months into my time in this city. I dated her for a year and a half and have spent the last YEAR trying to get over this failed relationship. All my memories of this city are with her.

This has been extremely difficult and I know that leaving this city is what it is going to take to finally get over this but it is so hard. I didn't want my memories of this city to be bad, but I have no choice.

[NotOverHer]

I'm not sure if leaving on bad terms, or having talked down to them, makes a difference. On my breakup meeting with my uPBDex, we had an extremely cordial conversation. I brought up the term "Borderline" and said it may be something she'd want to look in to, saying that it may explain a lot of her chronic feelings of emptiness, depression, and frustration. This was strictly mentioned as an educational suggestion, without any negative or demeaning undertone. I didn't even use the term "personality" or "disorder", as I wanted to keep it as open as possible.

She told me she wanted to stay friends. I told her that it was not a good idea, and that "From what I read, it's best to just cut it off completely" in a very cordial and neutral tone. And that's exactly what happened. 1 month, and zero communication either way. Part of me wishes she'd check in on me to see how I'm doing. But my logical side reminds me that's it's way better this way.

Though I do think that an amicable discussion is best after the discard, I'm not sure it makes a difference. Once they have discarded you, their feelings are gone, and they are now being projected on another unsuspecting victim. So to answer your question, I don't think shame prevents them from reaching out. I think it's their emotional dissociation that's to blame.

[vaztek2003]

Unfortunately I think what is going to make me finally let this go is leaving the city. I have lived in New York City now for 3 years this September and I have always known that I don't want to live here here the rest of my life, I just didn't think it would end this way.

I met her only 6 months into my time in this city. I dated her for a year and a half and have spent the last YEAR trying to get over this failed relationship. All my memories of this city are with her.

This has been extremely difficult and I know that leaving this city is what it is going to take to finally get over this but it is so hard. I didn't want my memories of this city to be bad, but I have no choice.

I can relate. While I have made great strides in detachment from my ex, the fact that UI work in the city she lives and works in still bothers me.

I do believe that shame is a major reason why some dont reach out after a breakup. My ex broke it off with me an it was messy and confusing but her being a QUIET BPD it wasnt an angry breakup(by text of all ways). I sometimes wished it would have been angry as it would have allowed me to move on quicker as opposed to having lingering thoughts of fighting for her love due to all the crazy mixed signals I got at the end, one minute she said it was over, the next it was up in the air till finally I proclaimed my love for her in what turned out to be a final text (as she never replied afterwards), I never got a answer as if she wanted me to fight for her or leave her alone... .something so simple, yet she chose the silent treatment of torture which left me unbalanced in what I should do. Once I made the decision to leave it up to her it to contact me it became easier as the days went on and she didnt. I took it as I didnt mean anything to a person I gave my all too and as the days went by the dreams and thoughts decreased. Its soon going on 4 months of NC and I doubt Ill ever hear from her again even after she said in a final long text that she'll always love me and care for me as I was a important person in her life. I honestly feel that she lied even in the breakup and she had an affair with her boss whom she would badmouth often and even once texted her asking if she wanted to have sex in the parking lot of their job... .It may suck at first as you realize that a person you gave your love to doesnt care, but it does become a gift as opposed of a curse, as by her not bombarding you with contact allows you to go through detachment sooner. There are days that I wonder what she might be up to, or I remember a routine of hers but ultimately she decided my love wasnt of worth and chose another path... .her decision but also her loss. Stay positive and keep sight of how great you and you will begin to improve.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jinglebells,

I'm sorry to feel you must uproot to detach fully.  I too still feel the impulse to run sometimes and get the heck out of here so I can relate.  I won't presume to try to guide you either way, as you must do what you feel is right for you.  Just one thought though for you... .

This has been extremely difficult and I know that leaving this city is what it is going to take to finally get over this but it is so hard. I didn't want my memories of this city to be bad, but I have no choice.

If this is what you're set on doing, what could you do now to create some good memories for yourself before you leave?  Ones that don't include her.  Perhaps there are things you always wanted to do or never even considered that you could do by yourself or with a friend or family member.  Connection with others breeds a feeling of contentment and safety (I've harped on about the emotional systems in another thread), leading to oxytocin release and helps to regulate and balance our emotions over time.  Being self compassionate and showing yourself kindness could include accepting that it's OK things didn't go well for you without beating yourself up over it, but choosing instead to do something you can enjoy and find soothing for your spirit.  This could be a challenge you set yourself before you move... .What do you think?

Love and light x

[jinglebells1989]

Hi jinglebells,

I'm sorry to feel you must uproot to detach fully.  I too still feel the impulse to run sometimes and get the heck out of here so I can relate.  I won't presume to try to guide you either way, as you must do what you feel is right for you.  Just one thought though for you... .

If this is what you're set on doing, what could you do now to create some good memories for yourself before you leave?  Ones that don't include her.  Perhaps there are things you always wanted to do or never even considered that you could do by yourself or with a friend or family member.  Connection with others breeds a feeling of contentment and safety (I've harped on about the emotional systems in another thread), leading to oxytocin release and helps to regulate and balance our emotions over time.  Being self compassionate and showing yourself kindness could include accepting that it's OK things didn't go well for you without beating yourself up over it, but choosing instead to do something you can enjoy and find soothing for your spirit.  This could be a challenge you set yourself before you move... .What do you think?

Love and light x

To be honest not much. The entire thing has been so traumatic that there's no way out except out at this point.

In fact, The only reason I got another job out here is because I wasn't sure how long the legal stuff from the fallout with her was going to last. But now that I have this job I want to put a year in before I move on because I want my resume to look good, even though the legal stuff has been over since February.

It's been too much and I do need to leave soon. The only thing I can do until then is try to think positively as best I can. But even that is incredible difficult at times.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi jinglebells,

Sounds like you're feeling very flattened at this moment and I'm sorry that's the case.  It can be very wearing to go through the process you have and I can imagine that feeling like you must stick around to maintain a steady work history is a frustration and seems like it is holding you back.  Try to remain positive for as long as you can when you are able and make the most of these times.  It is OK to feel rotten some of the time.  Just be careful it doesn't overtake you.  I'd recommend pushing yourself a little, when you feel able, to do things that make you feel good, so that you are building up a stock of positive strength within yourself that will help you ride the waves of difficult emotions when they arise.  Are you speaking to anyone in real life about how you are feeling at the moment?  Do you have any hobbies/interests you can throw yourself into?

Love and light x