Admitting to myself: After all these years I'm still hurting

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi folks! It's been a few months since I've posted here although I visit almost daily to read your stories. After a series of nightmares last night I've come to terms with the realisation that after all these years of seperation, I am still hurting from the damage of the relationship with my undiagnosed exBPD girlfriend and the loss of said relationship. I realise I've been pretending I wasn't hurt because it feels like it is my own fault that I'm hurt, and I didn't want to admit that. But I feel like I'm finally able to admit it to myself, and thus also here, to get it off my chest and to get some perspective from you, hopefully.

I was with my ex for five years, and we lived together for the last year, when we split up for good at the end of 2014. Man, writing it out like that... .it's been so long since then! Which makes the fact that I'm still hurting all the more embarrasing. Thing is, in 2015, after the split, I went through the lowest of lows, was depressed and on medication. It made me change up my routine and my life. I got new social circles, friends, hobby's (like working out at the gym). I felt like at the end of 2015 I had worked through most of the negative feelings and I while I wasn't really 'happy', it felt like I had solid foundations in place to keep living and hell, sometimes even enjoying myself.

However, 2016 and the first half of 2017 I've let my ex become a part of my life once more (hence me claiming the hurt I feel now is my own fault), and it has set me back something fierce. In 2016 she was already living with the replacement, but she was often sending messages on my phone claiming how unhappy she was. In the summer of last year she even started coming by every so often, although we only just talked. That stopped for a while, then in the beginning of this year she started trying to get into contact again. I pushed back, claiming I didn't want her to come by if she was still with the replacement, as I felt it was emotional cheating on her part and disrespectful to me as well. In the end, they broke up, and then we started being intimiate again for a month and a half. This was all in the spring this year.

Of course, the recycle blew up in my face. She went from claiming she had missed me each day for two years, to not being ready to be in a relationship, to not being intimate with me anymore after only two weeks of intimacy (suddenly sex was out of the question, then even french kissing), to her just coming by once a week, not even spending the night. She obviously was already devaluating me again and I chose the high road and cut it off.

So, since then a month or three have passed and I'm still going through the motions of life, holding on to the stuff I put in place in 2015 to give me a normal life. Social activities, going out, hanging with friends, going to the gym, a party here and there, hell, this weekend I'll be celebrating my birthday with a large fun group of people so by all accounts I should feel as happy as I thought I did a few years ago. But there's this pit in my stomach, it doesn't feel the same, it feels like I'm hurting all over again thanks to the recycle of earlier this year. I haven't heard from her in months now, its been the longest silent streak since the break up in 2014, and I'm not contacting her, but I can't help but feel crappy about the whole situation.

It feels like I was trying to live in the illusion that the recycle and the discard didn't hurt me and that I could just go on like I did before the recycle, but now, after feeling the pain more pronounced the past couple of weeks and with the nightmares at night, I am ready to admit to myself that yes, I am still hurting, I have been set back in a big way by the recycle. I've fell for her sweet words once again and like always they meant nothing, well they were probably real when she said it, but we all know they can change on a whim. I don't want her back, in fact, I don't even like her anymore. All the things that have happened have ensured that. So why does it still hurt and why would I still (perhaps) take her back if given the chance? It is because I want to get rid of this unhappy feeling. I have to identify what it IS that makes me feel so unhappy and empty in life without her, and do something about it. But that's harder than I thought. What is this void exactly, and how do I fill it up with something healthy?

I don't really know what I want to accomplish with this thread. I guess its venting, by writing it out its admitting to myself that I am hurt, which in turn (I hope) makes me work through those emotions to give them a place and to move on with my life. I also want to know if anyone recognises these thoughts and feelings, and the fact that sometimes you try to fake feeling good until you can't anymore. Tips on how to move on faster or better would also be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

[spottedabel]

Hi there! First and foremost, I'm sorry that you've found yourself relapsing again after doing good for so long. I personally think venting (especially to people who understand) is the best way to cope with that whole flurry of feelings that must be going crazy inside of you, so here's my first piece of advice: the moment you feel like there's something you don't understand, that you want to have affirmed to swept out of the way; take it by heart, and write it out. If you have friends that know of what's happened with you and your ex, find some time to talk to them when you feel like the sky is caving in above your head!

They might not know exactly what you've been going through, but they'll be there for you. It's very important that you're not alone at a time like this. You're already doing yourself a huge favor by keeping yourself busy and trying to maintain as much of your routines as possible - "fake it 'till you make it", that's the saying in English, right? That's what I've tried to do as well, but it'll only get you a short fraction of the way.


I'm in a very, very similar spot to yours at the moment. I, too, had been with my ex for 5 years (not for consecutive years, though - we had't been officially romantically involved for 3 years at that point) and while I've already managed to punch a month of NC through last year in November, she had contacted me again to ask to get back into touch. We all know the drill by now: I've said yes even though I shouldn't have. The following months, we had been back to arguing every day, I had been back to insomnia and being pushed around-- until I got together with someone else. We haven't been talking for longer than a month now and for once I can firmly believe that this time, she's gone for good.

The fun part? I should be happy. And I was: extremely so.

But then, since some of our mutual friends are still talking to her, I keep seeing her around everywhere I go and while we still aren't interacting, it just hurts. I'm back to all the "what if's?" and "I hope she's doing alright" and nothing that I've done to occupy myself in the past is helping.

I don't want her back, in fact, I don't even like her anymore. All the things that have happened have ensured that.

I can't believe how well you've put this into words-- it is exactly what I'm going through at the moment. I've made a list of all the vile things she's done to me and that I'm reading through every time the back of my head only does so much as consider contacting her again: it helps me put things into perspective, makes me wholeheartedly believe that I've done the right thing. Perhaps it's something that you could consider doing as well, so that the next time you want to recycle your relationship, you have a reliable way of remembering what you've once sworn to yourself she'd never do to you again.

Being replaced. Being lied to. Being treated unfairly. I naturally don't know that much of your relationship, but if these are things she's done to you and that you don't want back in your life, you should probably think twice about recycling the whole package another time.

What is this void exactly, and how do I fill it up with something healthy?

Strangely enough, nobody on this board seems to know the answer to this for sure. For some, it's that pwBPD usually give you the feeling of being the only person capable of treating them the way that you do. They make you feel special - who wouldn't like that? For my ex, it was, after replacing me countless times, coming back to me to tell me that she's always known that I am the one for her. That she's known from the start that being with the other person didn't feel the same and that, even though I was heartbroken every time she left, it should be sign enough of her love that at the end of the day, she'd always choose me.

Now that I've made it very clear that I'm not like her - and that I won't choose her every time she decides I'm worthy of her attention - she's gone, and this time, I'm positive that I don't have to pray for her not to return. I know she won't, and it's so hard for me to grasp and accept that I'm not the best part of her world anymore.

I might be in a loving relationship now but I won't tell you that this is something you have to be in to recover. Being someone's special someone doesn't fill that void - rather, you build something on it. You put pavement on the hole without filling it up, building all kinds of beautiful things with or without someone that loves you differently than the pwBPD before.


When I first came to this board, I read somewhere that even though we're not suffering from BPD ourselves, the disorder still makes us dependent on the person who has it. Right now, your brain is going through the phases of withdrawal again and again - like that of a drug or alcohol addict. You've lived with the high of that person for so long that now your body is restless and trying to find it again. Thinking about that helps me a lot personally - that it's not my fault for being strong, but that it's something biological that needs time to mend.

I've never been addicted to drugs myself but trust me, going back so often to something that hurts this bad? It can't be much different. Maybe realizing that will give your subconscious food for thought.



I'm sorry for rambling so much, but I wanted to provide as much insight as possible. I'll make sure to follow your thread - if I can help you anyhow, I'd be happy to do so!

[Zemmma]

Wow. Two good posts above. I read spottedabel's post like a cautionary tale. I feel like I have reached the end of the road with my BPDex but realize it could actually continue for YEARS. Continue to torment me. Especially if I let him back in. And the pull is so great.

I struggle with the emptiness/ the void too. He opened up a part of me and a part of life that I didn't know existed. I can't go back to who I was before I met him.

My city has a 12-step program similar to AA that is for Love/ Sexual Addiction. I am considering going except they will ask me to throw away his photos and all our letters and I can't (won't) do that. And they expect me to meditate and I have no time or patience for that.

But yes, this is an addiction. They are our drug. The truth is, we have elevated this person, exaggerated their greatness. We have made them the sole source of our pleasure and our pain.

I hope I don't let him take another 5 years from me. For you, I think it is important to acknowledge how much this recycle hurt. I used to think, "What's the difference? I might as well be in contact. I'm hurting anyway." But continued involvement to me over the course of five years and over a dozen breakups means I have never remotely started to heal. The recycles hurt. I admit now that recycles and discards hurt more than NC. Contact hurts. Hope hurts. This relationship is hurtful and not healthy. If there is a way to heal from it, I need to find it. I hope you find some answers within yourself through this process.

[spottedabel]

Hey Zemmma, thank you for reading and giving us your two cents on the topic!

That 12-step program sounds pretty interesting - sadly enough, throwing away all the photos and letters might not even be that bad of an idea. I, of course, can't and won't force you to do anything you can't mentally (and physically) bring yourself to, but it might be easier to let go if you start erasing the marks they've left on your life bit by bit. I'm a bit on the opposite end of you on that part, but not because I'm "better" at coping with it - rather, I've always gone on a deleting and throwing out spree the second they've replaced me for someone better.

Maybe it's a childish way of thinking, but looking back, I needed the control it gave me for the moment. I needed the possibility to, should they come back and ask for forgiveness, reminding me of all the pretty things she's given me and that we've shared, be able to say to myself "it wasn't that important. It didn't matter to me back then when you've left."

Sorry, I feel like I've come a bit off-course here-- what I wanted to say with that is that while I do not believe that we (or at least I personally) won't ever be completely free of our exes' influence, it might help snipping off a few pieces every now and then. I understand where you're coming from, though... .it's just.

It's hard, and I don't have any words for it, really. This person, who has disrespected me so badly in the past... .I still treasure them, deep down. But as you said - all this hope, it hurts. If we can't get our wounds to heal, perhaps we need to stop looking for cures but for ways to live with them instead.

We need to be aware that even though we're hurting at this moment, it's nothing compared to the devastation we've felt when our BPDex dropped us like a hot potato, abused us, or exploited us.


Advice to both of you: Don't. Go. Back. I did it so many times before, only to find more heartbreak. I'd never say that my ex (or your exes) aren't worthy of love, but we need to learn to be egoistic. They've bruised us, instilled us with memories that, even if we don't notice it ourselves, they might. An endless circle of mistreating each other - it might just be our responsibility alone to free both parties of it.

[bus boy]

Hi close to Freedom, I think some hurt or pain will remain with us. I was separated for several years and although Xw was still a sneaky conniving slink, we still had a sexual r/s. I thought all I had to do was try harder that something was wrong with me. Xw is an extremely emotionally abusive person, rather sinister for that matter. Over 2 years ago now she met another man and I was kicked to the curb. The pain I felt was like nothing I ever felt. Today I feel much better, learned a lot about me and personality disorders but I can assure you when I drop my son off at home or go to soccer and his mother and BF are there I get a stab in my heart and run through the whole r/s in my head " what did I do?" Xw treats me like I'm trash and so does her BF and that hurts as well but I push on every day and it gets better day by day.

[lovenature]

Stay complete NC and learn all you can about this awful disorder. When you feel you are ready you should look into why you got into a BPD relationship, stayed as long as you did, and tried again with a recycle.

The head and especially the heart don't forget how wonderful idealization was, combined with going through so much senseless and irrational behaviour during devaluation, it is very hard to accept letting go and very easy to continue trying to make it work.

BPD is a very serious mental illness, it can't be "loved" better (actually makes it worse the more unconditional love you give a PWBPD). Continue focusing on living your life without your ex. The cycle always repeats without years of therapy.