Feeling anxious, BPDBF wanting to

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone 
I wanted to share what happened between my partner (PwBPD) and I, this last Saturday night. I would like to gain some insight into the situation. I had previously left my BF due to his drinking and how abusive he was becoming when he was drunk, fast forward to now we are back together and we have been working this out great. He had stopped drinking for about 5 months of this life, only now he had picked up drinking again and I think it's mainly because of the housemates we share (we live in Uk, so we live in a shared house). However, this time around my BF has been in complete control of himself every time around he has had a drink, this I was very happy about.

Now, coming to this saturday we had a houseparty, at around 12:00 only 3 of our housemates (all guys), my BF and I had survived. We were absoultely hungry and I had cooked in the day time so pulled up a big plate of fried rice, specially for my BF becuase he was hungry! Also, my BF was being very affectionate all night long touching me, kissing me and he had my attention. When I pulled out my rice one of the guys when 'wow that looks incredible' and as I was heating it up, I suggested them to try it out. They loved it it was the perfect drunk food, we started talking about food and the dish while my BF was still by my side. The boys are leaving (our housemates) back to their country, so I said 'you know what I will you this dish before you guys go, and becuase I cook very spicy I said ' I will cook and leave for you' and by that I mean I would leave it for all of them (coz in my eyes they are all equal to me).

I think this triggered my boyfriend, in his eyes I think he saw it as a threat! That I offered TO COOK FRIED RICE for one of the guy although I was going to leave it for all of them. He started to get jealous I only noticed it when he started to stand away from me, so I tried to touch him and he started to push me away slowly (this behaviour he used to do all the time when he was drinking everyday). In my heart I KNEW if i don't disengage now I will be in trouble becuase he is drunk there is no way anything would work. So, I decided to go upstairs and sleep, the party went on and he came back upstairs 30 minutes later, he put the lights on and woke me up. MY ANXIETY STARTED TO RISE, and let me mention I was drunk in my head I just knew I wanted to be safe, so I got up. He started to say you offered him rice! So I said 'I offered all of them' and he started to call me a liar started and started to verbally abuse me. At this point I got up and went into my office and closed the door and was sleeping on my couch. After 30 minutes he comes IN ANGER puts the lights on and he is like 'NO!, we are going to talk about this'. I am in utter shock at this point, and he pulls a chair sit in front of me and says 'IF I OFFERED TO COOK A MEAL FOR A GIRL WOULDN'T YOU BE JEALOUS'. I didn't reply simply because I know whatever I say doesn't work even validation because of how drunk he was. So I kept quiet and he started to call me all kind of disgusting names :c I was crying and before he left he threw on of my plant pots on the floor and banged the door behind him.

Fast forward to today, on sunday I had alot of anxiety around this feelings from past re appeared, and I started to cry for him and ask him to talk to me (he locked himself all night on sunday and didn't speak to me because he was still angry). I think somewhere I started to feel guilty thinking 'OH NO I DIDN'T VALIDATE HIM, I DIDNT PAY ATTENTION TO HIS CHANGING EMOTIONS AND HOW THIS THOUGHTS BECOME HIS REALITY' so I was feeling anxious and I guess being co-dependant I realised I needed to 'FIX' things. It was getting awful and he didnt reply to any of my crying pleads so I decided to get up and take a walk, listen to music and clear up my head.

I realised during my timeout that how I did NOTHING wrong, sure I should have validated him but what he did was completely unacceptable. He even slapped my leg (although not hard) it still freaked me out thinking of the bad times when he used to get drunk and throw stuff around and verbally abuse me. I decided to be quiet and do my thing and take sometime because now I think of my future I dont want these incidents to happen again, and if I easily let it go by not acting like he did nothing wrong and take the blame on me, he will never learn that it's my choice and I can leave whenever I want to and I am not going to stick around if he doesn't get himself together.

So, it's tuesday I am about to go to work and yesterday I spent the whole day at work + went to the gym and just relaxed. Since the incident he has been drinking in his room and listening to music, yesterday he was acting like making sounds by himself as if he is enjoying his time. I noticed whenever I would open my door or was around his room he would go 'whoohoo' like he has having fun by himself 9 he absolutely hates being alone) and this behaviour is so childish to me. It's almost like he wants me to feel bad that he is doing good and he wants me to approach him (whenever he messes up like this, he expects me to come approach him).

This time around  it's not going to happen, I am taking a vacation from BPD and taking care of myself and my need. I know what i need in a partner and I wont be accepting this behaviour. I never knew he was this insecure about us, I dont know if he was scared of loosing me or if he doesn't trust me. This is a great example of how their negative thoughts become their reality, it's sad coz it my eyes I only offered them a meal to thank them for being great housemates and having great memories with them.

I will keep updating this post and letting everyone know how the events will fall out, I am interested know if he cares enough to actually come and say sorry OR is he going to wait for me to approach him. I am know I am codependant and my anxiety is alot around that area, I am going to work on that with my therapist this week hopefully can gain some insight into it. I am getting stronger from therapy it really helps see you the wrong and right.

Has anything like this happened to you before and has your BPD partner reached out first or did you have to reach out to them? I dont know how long it will take him to approach me because I know he doesn't want to loose the game and come say sorry but I think it's making me stronger everyday he neglects the situation to see clear of what I want in my life and future.

[wanttobehappy]

Hello everyone 
I wanted to share what happened between my partner (PwBPD) and I, this last Saturday night. I would like to gain some insight into the situation. I had previously left my BF due to his drinking and how abusive he was becoming when he was drunk, fast forward to now we are back together and we have been working this out great. He had stopped drinking for about 5 months of this life, only now he had picked up drinking again and I think it's mainly because of the housemates we share (we live in Uk, so we live in a shared house). However, this time around my BF has been in complete control of himself every time around he has had a drink, this I was very happy about.

Now, coming to this saturday we had a houseparty, at around 12:00 only 3 of our housemates (all guys), my BF and I had survived. We were absoultely hungry and I had cooked in the day time so pulled up a big plate of fried rice, specially for my BF becuase he was hungry! Also, my BF was being very affectionate all night long touching me, kissing me and he had my attention. When I pulled out my rice one of the guys when 'wow that looks incredible' and as I was heating it up, I suggested them to try it out. They loved it it was the perfect drunk food, we started talking about food and the dish while my BF was still by my side. The boys are leaving (our housemates) back to their country, so I said 'you know what I will you this dish before you guys go, and becuase I cook very spicy I said ' I will cook and leave for you' and by that I mean I would leave it for all of them (coz in my eyes they are all equal to me).

I think this triggered my boyfriend, in his eyes I think he saw it as a threat! That I offered TO COOK FRIED RICE for one of the guy although I was going to leave it for all of them. He started to get jealous I only noticed it when he started to stand away from me, so I tried to touch him and he started to push me away slowly (this behaviour he used to do all the time when he was drinking everyday). In my heart I KNEW if i don't disengage now I will be in trouble becuase he is drunk there is no way anything would work. So, I decided to go upstairs and sleep, the party went on and he came back upstairs 30 minutes later, he put the lights on and woke me up. MY ANXIETY STARTED TO RISE, and let me mention I was drunk in my head I just knew I wanted to be safe, so I got up. He started to say you offered him rice! So I said 'I offered all of them' and he started to call me a liar started and started to verbally abuse me. At this point I got up and went into my office and closed the door and was sleeping on my couch. After 30 minutes he comes IN ANGER puts the lights on and he is like 'NO!, we are going to talk about this'. I am in utter shock at this point, and he pulls a chair sit in front of me and says 'IF I OFFERED TO COOK A MEAL FOR A GIRL WOULDN'T YOU BE JEALOUS'. I didn't reply simply because I know whatever I say doesn't work even validation because of how drunk he was. So I kept quiet and he started to call me all kind of disgusting names :c I was crying and before he left he threw on of my plant pots on the floor and banged the door behind him.

Fast forward to today, on sunday I had alot of anxiety around this feelings from past re appeared, and I started to cry for him and ask him to talk to me (he locked himself all night on sunday and didn't speak to me because he was still angry). I think somewhere I started to feel guilty thinking 'OH NO I DIDN'T VALIDATE HIM, I DIDNT PAY ATTENTION TO HIS CHANGING EMOTIONS AND HOW THIS THOUGHTS BECOME HIS REALITY' so I was feeling anxious and I guess being co-dependant I realised I needed to 'FIX' things. It was getting awful and he didnt reply to any of my crying pleads so I decided to get up and take a walk, listen to music and clear up my head.

I realised during my timeout that how I did NOTHING wrong, sure I should have validated him but what he did was completely unacceptable. He even slapped my leg (although not hard) it still freaked me out thinking of the bad times when he used to get drunk and throw stuff around and verbally abuse me. I decided to be quiet and do my thing and take sometime because now I think of my future I dont want these incidents to happen again, and if I easily let it go by not acting like he did nothing wrong and take the blame on me, he will never learn that it's my choice and I can leave whenever I want to and I am not going to stick around if he doesn't get himself together.

So, it's tuesday I am about to go to work and yesterday I spent the whole day at work + went to the gym and just relaxed. Since the incident he has been drinking in his room and listening to music, yesterday he was acting like making sounds by himself as if he is enjoying his time. I noticed whenever I would open my door or was around his room he would go 'whoohoo' like he has having fun by himself 9 he absolutely hates being alone) and this behaviour is so childish to me. It's almost like he wants me to feel bad that he is doing good and he wants me to approach him (whenever he messes up like this, he expects me to come approach him).

This time around  it's not going to happen, I am taking a vacation from BPD and taking care of myself and my need. I know what i need in a partner and I wont be accepting this behaviour. I never knew he was this insecure about us, I dont know if he was scared of loosing me or if he doesn't trust me. This is a great example of how their negative thoughts become their reality, it's sad coz it my eyes I only offered them a meal to thank them for being great housemates and having great memories with them.

I will keep updating this post and letting everyone know how the events will fall out, I am interested know if he cares enough to actually come and say sorry OR is he going to wait for me to approach him. I am know I am codependant and my anxiety is alot around that area, I am going to work on that with my therapist this week hopefully can gain some insight into it. I am getting stronger from therapy it really helps see you the wrong and right.

Has anything like this happened to you before and has your BPD partner reached out first or did you have to reach out to them? I dont know how long it will take him to approach me because I know he doesn't want to loose the game and come say sorry but I think it's making me stronger everyday he neglects the situation to see clear of what I want in my life and future.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi wanttobehappy,

Sorry to hear that you going through this difficult time. I don't have a lot of experirence with my pwBPD not talking to me. I've seen others talk about this and usually there isn't much you can do. They just have to wait it out. Some people will send a text or make a call just to let them know they are available if the pwBPD wants to talk about it.

[dazedandconfuzed]

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