I can't stand my mother

[Fedupsickofmom]

I am 53 and my 77 yr old mother has BPD... .am sure of it. I did a semester long study of BPD in nursing school and my mom is textbook with possible NPD traits as well. I have one sibling, a sister, who is 49, who never married and never had children and she is my mother's favorite. I on the other hand, was married for 25 years and have 3 grown sons and am in a LTR with an awesome guy.

I have never gotten on with my mother and felt like I was the parent from an early age. She and my father divorced while I was in my teens and he found a great partner and was happily married for 25 years until he died. My mother never dated or found a new partner. She recently has a bad stroke and is still recovering. My sister works in the entertainment industry and has been able to help more with my mother than I. I stayed with my mom for 2 months post-stroke, lost my job in the process, etc.

My mother and sister are very close and I think co-dependent upon each other. I have always been the outsider. My mother has always been jealous of my other relationships, including those with my children. I have a good relationship with all of my kids and really made it my purpose in life NOT to be like my mother in everything.

My mother has always been hypercritical of me, my kids, my partners and is impossible to please. She has one friend and that's it. Her life revolves around her, her cats (5 of them) and my sister, who works with "very important famous people" (I am saying that tongue-in-cheek). I raised 3 great boys, attended an Ivy League university on scholarship and pulled myself out/up from a 25 year abusive marriage and am proud of my accomplishments. My mother has/is the most critical person I have ever met and impossible to please. I have to say I cannot stand her. I feel guilty in saying that but it is 110% true. Everything I do for her at this point is out of obligation.

I found out after she suffered a severe stroke earlier this year that she had basically disinherited me a few years ago, giving my sister power-of-attorney in the event of incapacitation as well as 75% of her estate. I really dont care much anymore as the initial hurt has worn off. But I still don't understand why I am being punished for leaving the nest, building a life that did not include my mother as the primary person, unlike my sister. Prior to my mother's stroke, my mother had only recently retired and was living alone but she and my sister spoke on the phone 3-6 times every day: this is normal for them. I dont want to talk to anyone 6 times per day.

Anyhow, I can't be my mother's caregiver and refuse to. She is staying by herself now some but refuses to sell her home and my sister will be returning to California soon. I cannot afford to pay for hired help for my mother and my sister can contribute. I work 6 days per week as am trying to regain my lost savings (I did not work for 4 months due to my mother's stroke, job loss thereafter).

My mother has NEVER received any psychological help-I on the other hand, had undergone years of therapy and once again, because I sought help, I am considered the "imbalanced daughter". I am probably going to seek some counseling again but honestly, I could walk away from my mother and never see her again and not bat an eye. Am I a terrible person for feeling this way? I will never ever be able to please her and nothing will ever be good enough. I accept that but I notice that being around her causes me to become very stressed, regressive and angry. HELP!

[losthero]

No you are NOT a terrible person for feeling this way.  You are a mother yourself and can see how appalling her behavior really is towards you as her child.  A mother should not have favorites or expect their children to not pursue their own families and life.  My mom treats me and my sister the same. We are viewed as her slaves not as individuals.  She tries to control you through shame and guilt instead of love and respect.  Realize she is a blackhole of neverending need and you will never be enough or do enough for you.  You are in a no win situation. ((Hugs))

[madeline7]

You are NOT a terrible person. It seems like sometimes only the rational members of the dysfunctional family are the ones seeking counseling. Good for you that you are taking care of yourself. I am in a recovery mode myself, and at age 60 I finally "get it". I am grieving the loss of the mother I never had. I have one sibling that is power of attorney and does more for my geriatric Mom than I do. Instead of feeling resentful, I am wrapping my head around feeling grateful that she is helping, and that takes the pressure off of me. Well, in my mother's eye, the pressure is always on, but I am finally taking care of myself first. Losing some family relationships along the way, but making efforts to be respectful of everyone. They just don't "like" the new me, one that is direct and honest, no longer an enabler. It is exhausting.

[Notwendy]

I think we are similar in our positions in the family. I have a sibling who is the favorite and very co-dependent with my mother. This was the favorite child growing up. I was the "black child". My mother doesn't have much attachment to me, except when she can use me for something, then she says things like " I am your mommy" which makes me cringe.

We feel what we feel. You might want to elaborate on that emotion. For me, it is many emotions. The sound of my mother's voice can lead me to feel a sensation of dread. She rarely hugs me, but I cringe if she touches me. I have had to get used to a woman that I don't know well touching me in general. If I know her and trust her, I am OK with that. I recall a yoga class where the teacher adjusted the students' posture and I had to really get used to her doing that but once I got to know her it was OK. If someone yells at me, I tend to space out. Once an angry female parking lot attendant yelled at me because I accidentally parked in the wrong space. I think I was shook up for 30 minutes after that. I have come to recognize these feelings as triggers. I don't recall being physically abused, but we were emotionally abused and I was terrified of my mother's voice as a child. Since she was not physically affectionate with me, I don't feel affection if she touches me.

Once I can recognize these emotional reactions, I can work on them regardless of the relationship I choose to have with my mother. I can rationalize that the irate parking lot attendant may be having a bad day, or is just not a pleasant person, the yoga teacher is a gentle soul trying to help her class, and my mother's voice on the phone is not a danger. These things will not change my mother, but they can change the way I react to others as well as her. It helps. So no- don't feel badly about how you feel- you feel what you feel, and maybe these feelings can help you to learn about yourself and also help your relationships with others.

[pyropsycho]

I'm pretty young and don't have a family of my own yet, but I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're saying. You're not a terrible person; you're just a person who has been hurt by someone over and over again. I think it's a perfectly natural reaction that we all have to want to walk away from people who are hurting us. I wish so badly that I could just wash my hands clean of my mother too. Why should I continue to let her have a place in my life if all she does is abuse, criticize, and hurt me? It sounds really awful, but sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if she were dead. (Man, that was hard to even type! I've never shared that with anyone before.) Anyway, hang in there. We feel you.

[Roselily]

I'm pretty young and don't have a family of my own yet, but I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're saying. You're not a terrible person; you're just a person who has been hurt by someone over and over again. I think it's a perfectly natural reaction that we all have to want to walk away from people who are hurting us. I wish so badly that I could just wash my hands clean of my mother too. Why should I continue to let her have a place in my life if all she does is abuse, criticize, and hurt me? It sounds really awful, but sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if she were dead. (Man, that was hard to even type! I've never shared that with anyone before.) Anyway, hang in there. We feel you.

Quote :
sounds really awful, but sometimes I think my life would be so much easier if she were dead. (Man, that was hard to even type! I've never shared that with anyone before.) Anyway, hang in there
I don't think it sounds awful... I think it sounds honest. I have the same feelings about mine ... God states in the Bible for parents to not provoke anger in their children... Well, apparently these BPD ers  missed that part or denounce it...
Mine angered and continues to do so... while caring not one bit., don't be ashamed to speak your truth... ever! Good for you!

[Roselily]

No! Absolutely not! Hi Fedup,
Don't be guilted... .
 It must be part of the " BPD mother's manual"
to cast out kids that go on, create a life for themselves like normal adults, instead of enmeshing, and making her the center of our universe while she is alive. I can recall my BPD/NPD mother asking me in a childlike voice ( knowing any other time her tone is dismissive and void) " don't you want to live with me? I'm old and won't be here much longer" ... that's been over 25 years now!  Believe me ... she's tough... and has no plans of leaving us any time soon...

I've been punished with silent treatments, used, exploited, verbally and emotionally abused for " leaving her" ... for years... .

 Nearly twenty years ago, my mother was basically given 6 mos to live... that's when I sold my home up north  ( I'm a nurse by trade) and moved back home to to the south to take care of her and be by her side.  Little did I know... after the closing of my home... I drove up arriving to my hometown ( my sister lives  2 doors down and was looking after her until I arrived, to find  she had admitted herself to assisted living... ( she was 62 not an assisted living candidate, being fully ambulatory, driving her car) but allowed access in the private facility over others because she was self pay, which gave way to breaking all the house rules ... as in traipsing around town till 2a.m. and waking up staff to let her in.
And why did she admit herself? My only guess was to show me, she didn't think I was a good enuff nurse to take care of her, with the added bonus of recieving extra attention... from staff and the director's family who she knew well.
This was all to get ... .what?
ATTENTION  and
" good care" instead of me ( a nurse) looking after her and why I moved home ... in the first place... which was loftily dismissed, and  unappreciated...

Why was I doing this again? Being her freaking caretaker ... .well I thought this was it... and like a good daughter, I wanted to show my love... and do the right thing. ( Never worked b4... .this time is no exception) You can't win with these people... anyway you toss it.

Needless to say... that was over 20 years ago... I stayed a year, in my home town then finally started back to work... .
Commuted 2 hours to New Orleans for work, my sister and I juggled duties, ( although she was fine, not sick at all from chemo) and we  never received a simple thank u.
For after her stay in assisted living, ( which was for show only ) I cooked her meals... waited on her,  spent every moment I could... with her... then  after a year, she was free from CA cells, and it was time for me to go on with life... what did I get? ___ed out for leaving... .deserting her... . 
Instead of being greatful ... I sacrificed my life... for that time, financially, physically  and emotionally that year... it was not appreciated... instead I was put down for coming home, then put down for leaving. Who does that?

It's never enuff... whatever you do, give or sacrifice won't matter... Don't wear yourself out... take care of you... because they will continue to drain you, disrupt your life until brakes are enforced ... and you say " I have had enuff" ... I seriously encourage you to draw boundaries... and enforce them. Stay NC if that's what's you need to stay healthy... .Hope that helps a bit... take it from someone with a lifetime of experience.

[Notwendy]

I can relate to Aldactone's situation.

Years ago, my father became seriously ill. Although I had my own family, I was willing to do what I could to help- I was very attached to my father.

I visited when he was in the hospital and stayed at my parents' home with BPD mom. Although I came to help out he was being cared for in the hospital. It was basically 24/7 of what felt like insanity with my mother- her verbal abuse, raging, screaming. I realized that she was under a lot of stress over the situation but it was difficult to deal with this kind of behavior when trying to help.

I knew that I was not in a situation to be a caretaker and not willing to be her caretaker. and began to look at continuing care communities. They didn't trust my opinion on them- even though I visited and made sure they were places I would feel secure about. Yet, they would follow the recommendations of total strangers " my neighbor's mother says this place is good". I wanted to help out with some of their finances- but she didn't trust me to do that. I offered to get some stuff out of their house so moving was easier and she wouldn't let me have any of it.

Her children do try to help her, and visit, but when we are there, she is resistant to help and can be verbally abusive. It's a difficult situation.

[madeline7]

My Mother is a "help seeking rejecter". Love that description. It fits the bill almost every time. I had called a private geriatric Case Manager when my BPDm became widowed and more unmanageable. The Social Worker turned down the case, stating she was really busy so unable to take the case on since she would be unable to help. I was flabbergasted, she said that no matter what I did as her family member, it would never be enough. I did find someone else, but I do not have the funds to pay and my Mother refused, stating I have 3 children that can take care of me. Ask for help... .reject... .repeat

[Clara Maragaret]

Hello;
I'm so struck with how similar your experience and basically everyone in the thread's experiences are eerily the same as mine. My mother is BPD and both of my parents are now in their 80's. My father now has severe dementia and my mother is early on with dementia of her own.

In my late 20's I fell in love with my husband and moved from one side of the US to the other. It sent my mother into orbit. She never "forgave" me for the apparent sin of living my life. For years after my move she escalated: cut up my clothes which I had stored in my parents' home, gave cherished, irreplaceable belongings of mine away, once visited with my father and spent the entire trip complaining and criticizing everything... .while in one of the most beautiful cities in the US with me her daughter happily playing tour guide. The breaking point was when I caught her in a lie and forced her to admit it she then destroyed everything left in my parents home throwing it int the snow of the front yard.

After a lifetime of being scapegoated, that was it for me. I started psychotherapy and later told my parents if they did not seek therapy too & learn some new skills I would have no contact with them.

That was 25 years ago and I've had only spotty and usually messy encounters with my parents. My mother now prevents me from seeing or speaking to my father and has cut me out of their will... .all the while idealizing and falling all over one of my cousins and her daughters who she considers so perfect. That is OK. Money is too much of price to pay for abuse.My extended family does not speak to me, I believe because my mother has painted me to be such a villain... .all the while never admitting to the things she has said and done.

Again: that is OK. My "family" are those I have chosen in life and given what I had to withstand as a kid, I've chosen carefully to have loving, fun filled, functional friends and relationships.

I guess I what I want to say which has been said over and over again is: guilt creeps in for all of us from time to time but let logic and health win over. EVERYONE is deserving of love, attention, respect, trust, support etc. You are deserving of being treated well and with love, attention, respect, trust, support etc. You are not getting that from your mother, right? Mothers are SUPPOSED to do those things. Guilt does not serve you. It serves your mother's motives to control you.

I can't stand my mother either. Have I wished her dead before? Yup. 'Still do. (I don't ruminate on it but I do understand you totally.) I cry so easily ie: at every sad show or stupid commercial on TV but I won't be crying the day she dies. I'll be relieved. My parents once narrowly escaped a fatal car crash and as my mother was describing it, I was feeling let down. I wished it had taken them out, not because I'm a mean spirited heartless person. But because it would have made me life so much easier and more happy.

I won't say it's been easy opting for no contact with my biological family (or that that is the best choice for anyone else. It's a deeply personal thing how we all interact with our bat poop crazy families). I remember feeling momentarily hollow and lonely on my wedding day because my godmother was literally the only biologically related person to me who attended my wedding. That was along with an equal amount of relief that my mother did not show up because she would have made a scene of some sort, I'm certain. However: there is no doubt in my mind that placing boundaries between myself the toxic waste dump who is my mother made for a happy, healthy life for me.

You are a good person who has been treated poorly and I want to acknowledge you for every thing you've endured!