Need advice on how to reassure my partner

[tiggerchic]

Hi-this is my first post, so I am not totally sure how to go about this. My partner is incarcerated, and we were best friends for quite a while before entering into a committed relationship. I have now been home for nearly a year, and she has anywhere from 1.5 to 8 years left till she is home.

She has been dx as BPD for many years, and is actually very self-aware. She displays many of the "classic" behaviors-including alternating between idolizing and villianizing me... .the smallest, most unpredictable things set her off... .and I can never seem to reassure her that I would wait 1000 years for her to be home. I am 1000% committed, and faithful to her... .but I feel her emotions incredibly acutely... .and it is absolutely exhausting to try to maintain a healthy relationship.

Yet I can tell you I love this woman with a depth and intensity that is completely unique to my experience. I feel like I am able to understand her... .and weather the frequent thunderstorms her emotions generate.

I was so happy to find this site-it is terribly hard to feel all alone. How do I try to reassure her I am not going anywhere... .especially when her fear of abandonment and rejection so often manifests itself in comments and arguments towards me that are unbelievably hurtful?

Thank you for any advice or support anyone has to offer!  My goal is to stay in this relationship... .I often tell her that all i want is to comfort and love and respect and humor her... .make her finally feel safe and secure as she continues to heal and we both work on our own issues... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

One of the most difficult things that many of us non-BPDs go through are the accusations of infidelity. For myself I don't give them too much attention. For instance if my pwBPD begins to make little jokes or hints about me cheating, then I will calmly address it with something like,

"I know that's a scary feeling to have, but I'm not cheating and I don't like to be accused of it." And I leave it at that. I've learned that the bigger deal I make of it, the bigger an issue it becomes.

We have a lot of great workshops on the right side of the page. You can learn a lot about your relationship and how to communicate better with your pwBPD. Here's a link on one of hte workshops on how to handle accusations:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0

[knackered]

G'day tiggerchic,

I'm new here too and have spent the first 24 hrs finding my way around this site. From one newbie to another, I'd recommend a good look around too.

I don't have any advice other than to say that you've written some lovely words about your partner and I wish you all the best.

This is a tough gig, that's for sure. But, I love my husband and like you will do what I can.

Again, all the best