I'm being pushed away, what do I do?

[stevia99]

Hi all, need some help, my girlfriend with BPD is ignoring my messages and calls for a week after we met a few days in a row. This has happened before but not for this long. Anyone have some advice on what to do when this happens?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stevia99]

ive been at a state of nearly dating this girl with BPD for almost a year and have had history with her for much longer. We call and text loads, And meet often. although it's clear we both like each other I'm afraid to let her know cos when I have she left and came back after a while. Recently we've been closer than ever and after meeting two days in a row she's deleted her snapchat and has been ignoring calls or messages for a week or so. What do I do when She does this? How do I end This cycle of getting closer and her leaving?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi stevia,

Welcome to the boards! I'm sorry your relationship has been so confusing for you. Unfortunately one of the characteristics of BPD is that when they begin to feel close to someone, the pwBPD often runs from them.

Send her repeated messages or leaving a lot of voicemails may cause her to run even more. It's important to let her know that you care for her and are available when she wants to talk, and then let her have her space. Chasing after her will not fix things and it could further cause this behavior to occur over and over again in the relationship.

Once she begins to talk to you again, this would be a great time to set a boundary by letting her now in a direct and authentic way that you don't like it when she just disappears. Let her know how it affects you and what your clear expectations in regards to communication are. At the same time, it's important to understand that she may not respond well to this or she may continue to stop responding to messages. You can only change your behavior; you cannot change hers.

Here's a link to our workshop on using DEARMAN to express your needs to a partner:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[heartandwhole]

Hi stevia99,

I'd like to join  Tattered Heart in welcoming you. It can be really tough to deal with the push/pull behavior that characterizes BPD, but as Tattered Heart said, there are tools you can learn that will help. You've come to a great place for support. I agree that giving her space when she goes is a good idea. It's hard to do, especially after getting so close, I know. 

I recommend reading the lessons to the right of this board as soon as you have a chance. Especially the "Basic Tools."  They will help you communicate in ways that will help the situation.

Perhaps it would help to tell her your feelings about her. What are your thoughts about that?

Keep posting, stevia99. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[stevia99]

Perhaps it would help to tell her your feelings about her.

I have before and she pushed me away. I made the mistake of messaging her instead of doing it in person, Would you recommend doing this face to face? How do I do this when she doesn't even message me?

[lostandconfused6]

I have before and she pushed me away. I made the mistake of messaging her instead of doing it in person, Would you recommend doing this face to face? How do I do this when she doesn't even message me?

Unfortunately i know this situation all to well. My BPDbf has done this to me a few times I let him know I am here for him when he's ready to talk, and then let it go a week and a half is the longest he's gone without talking to me and he came around eventually. It was so hard not to text or call but honestly it worked the best. In the past I had blown up his phone driven to his house shown up at his work called his mom sent him letters  and it was very ineffective to say the least (we didn't know for sure he was BPD at this time but suspected) so I followed the advice i was given by my therapist and let him be and he came back.

Push/pull is the worst and it hurts but with the advice i've gotten and books i've read i can honestly say things are progressing in a good  way

[stevia99]

Unfortunately i know this situation all to well. My BPDbf has done this to me a few times I let him know I am here for him when he's ready to talk, and then let it go a week and a half is the longest he's gone without talking to me and he came around eventually. It was so hard not to text or call but honestly it worked the best. In the past I had blown up his phone driven to his house shown up at his work called his mom sent him letters  and it was very ineffective to say the least (we didn't know for sure he was BPD at this time but suspected) so I followed the advice i was given by my therapist and let him be and he came back.

Push/pull is the worst and it hurts but with the advice i've gotten and books i've read i can honestly say things are progressing in a good  way

Thank you for the reassurance, I'll be waiting for her

[holliday_9]

I also deal with this. We've only been together six months, but he seems to be slowly dropping out of the relationship. I typically respond to being ignored by also ignoring. We didn't speak for a month once. I just went on living my life whilst trying to figure out what kind of relationship I had got myself into. I finally figured out it was very likely BPD.
I decided to start reaching out more whether he contacts me or not. Just simple texts, nothing long. Nothing about the relationship. I will ask how he's been and then wait. It can take hours or a few days for a response and I never act like that bothers me. If something funny happens, I send a text or pic about it. He always responds eventually, but never texts me on his own. Sometimes he uses one of my texts to ask about seeing me. And he's so great when we see each other. He tells me he's sorry for not contacting me more or trying to see me more. He just mentions it on his own. I act totally fine. But after we've spent an evening, a night, and a morning together, he is ready for me to leave and I won't see him again for a week or two.
It's definitely taking a toll on me emotionally. I don't like it and can't do this long term. But I wanted to try for a little while anyway. I'm getting even better at being patient and learning to not get too emotionally wrapped up in the guys I date. I'm trying to gain some positivity from this mess.
Good luck

[lostandconfused6]

I also deal with this. We've only been together six months, but he seems to be slowly dropping out of the relationship. I typically respond to being ignored by also ignoring. We didn't speak for a month once. I just went on living my life whilst trying to figure out what kind of relationship I had got myself into. I finally figured out it was very likely BPD.
I decided to start reaching out more whether he contacts me or not. Just simple texts, nothing long. Nothing about the relationship. I will ask how he's been and then wait. It can take hours or a few days for a response and I never act like that bothers me. If something funny happens, I send a text or pic about it. He always responds eventually, but never texts me on his own. Sometimes he uses one of my texts to ask about seeing me. And he's so great when we see each other. He tells me he's sorry for not contacting me more or trying to see me more. He just mentions it on his own. I act totally fine. But after we've spent an evening, a night, and a morning together, he is ready for me to leave and I won't see him again for a week or two.
It's definitely taking a toll on me emotionally. I don't like it and can't do this long term. But I wanted to try for a little while anyway. I'm getting even better at being patient and learning to not get too emotionally wrapped up in the guys I date. I'm trying to gain some positivity from this mess.
Good luck

I see my BPDbf 2 days a week if i'm lucky we live over a hour from each other in the beg. we saw each other 4-5 days a week it bothers me but when i ask for more time he says i'm "pushing" and he goes into a rage it really frustrates me especially when he tells me he's doing nothing or bored or needs to get out of the house ( he currently lives with his parents and doesn't want me there because of the non stop fighting between them and between him and his dad) but i have to pick my battles with him.

[holliday_9]

I see my BPDbf 2 days a week if i'm lucky we live over a hour from each other in the beg. we saw each other 4-5 days a week it bothers me but when i ask for more time he says i'm "pushing" and he goes into a rage it really frustrates me especially when he tells me he's doing nothing or bored or needs to get out of the house ( he currently lives with his parents and doesn't want me there because of the non stop fighting between them and between him and his dad) but i have to pick my battles with him.

My patience paid off this week.Finally! I got a text from him asking me on a date to something very cool. He's even picking me up. Not even a few minutes later he invited me out to the movies the day after. When I joked he was spoiling me, he got serious and said "hardly, I've been distant". When I told him I have been trying to be very understanding, he said he "realizes this". He said the same thing last week. He knows what he's doing isn't right.
Man, it feels good though when you finally get somewhere through all the struggling.
I know how you feel. I see mine ONCE a week if I'm lucky and we live about 45 min apart. I just want to come over and spend the night, but he cancels by either blaming stress from work, migraines, or needing "me time". I can't really argue with any of it. He always gives me valid reasons/explains himself. But still, if you aren't calling me, texting me, or seeing me... .are we really dating?

[lostandconfused6]

My patience paid off this week.Finally! I got a text from him asking me on a date to something very cool. He's even picking me up. Not even a few minutes later he invited me out to the movies the day after. When I joked he was spoiling me, he got serious and said "hardly, I've been distant". When I told him I have been trying to be very understanding, he said he "realizes this". He said the same thing last week. He knows what he's doing isn't right.
Man, it feels good though when you finally get somewhere through all the struggling.
I know how you feel. I see mine ONCE a week if I'm lucky and we live about 45 min apart. I just want to come over and spend the night, but he cancels by either blaming stress from work, migraines, or needing "me time". I can't really argue with any of it. He always gives me valid reasons/explains himself. But still, if you aren't calling me, texting me, or seeing me... .are we really dating?

i'm happy to hear this! progress!

 it's crazy how similiar your pwBPd seems to mine... .  he will make plans with me and say "i know i have a lot to prove we are going spend more time together" I reply " i know you have a lot on your plate and i try to be understanding" he says " i know babe and i appreciate it so much this will all be worth it when i get my life together"

then i'll ask for dinner lunch or a movie in the middle of the week sometimes he says yeah babe or he says i give you saturday nights and sundays and then you just have to push for more and half the time he's blowing my phone up and texting and calling then a couple days a week i barely here from him or i'm annoying him... .I have a bad habit of assuming the worst but i try not to it's just hard given something that has happened with us and is still kinda happening... .i try to take his word and trust him and i feel like if i ask to many questions or pry to much or ask for "proof" he will go into a rage... .it's very frustrating at times but i feel like we are making baby steps and he is being more open to listening to me

[stevia99]

Update  after just over a month she messages me and picks a random excuse to talk to me. I texted her for a while and I'm going to tell her everything using DEARMAN over the phone tomorrow

[heartandwhole]

Update  after just over a month she messages me and picks a random excuse to talk to me. I texted her for a while and I'm going to tell her everything using DEARMAN over the phone tomorrow

That's an interesting development, stevia99. If you'd like to "practice" your DEARMAN here in the thread, then please do.   

Otherwise, let us know how the conversation goes.

heartandwhole