Conflicted to reveal pwBPD's drug use to L

[RedPill]

Maybe others would not be so conflicted, but I am in the FOG about this.

My ustbxBPDw is a chronic marijuana user. I am not and have never been. This has been an issue of dispute between us in the past, which eventually I tacitly agreed to accept (ignoring my values) and let her do what she wants. I am assuming she has continued smoking after filing for divorce. I found a pipe on her bedside table, her vape charger in her drawer, and a stash of loose pot, joints, and vapes in another drawer. All this is easily accessible to our D15. PwBPD is very pro-marijuana and was investigated a few years ago for sending marijuana tinctures and oils across state lines to help a friend with cancer. She was warned and no charges were filed.

She is also a heavy drinker, possibly an alcoholic. She will have 2-3 glasses of wine a day. Sometimes she will drink a glass before heading out to work, class, or to socialize.

She has also been taking prescriptions medications for years, several of which are addictive and commonly abused. She has a diagnosis of ADHD but our therapist passed me literature on BPD before our sessions ended.

Besides the blaming, rages, accusations, and impulsive behavior commonly associated with BPD, I have twice experienced major road rage incidents with her which almost resulted in a crash, once with my daughter in the car.

These actions are contrary to my values and may even cause danger to our D15, yet I am struggling to expose it to my lawyer and making it part of the divorce conversation. I am frightened of pwBPD's response/rage and struggling with feeling like the "bad guy" by exposing her problems. My therapist encouraged me to transcend my fears and just report the facts.

What do you think? I could use some encouragement and/or validation right now.
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RP

[takingandsending]

i understand your dilemma. One MC session, I admitted that I needed to be seen as the upstanding one in the relationship. I needed to be the reasonable, problem solver, or at least, I recognized that enabling part of myself that sought approval for doing so. I have spent two years working on and beginning to understand my own dynamic and role in my marriage with uBPDxw.

But, when it comes to my sons, I cannot be weak. I am human, I have flaws, I make mistakes. But I will not and can no longer willingly act innocent bystander or normalize abusive or harmful situations simply because I am still seeking that approval for being the good guy when my children's welfare is involved. My role in life has changed. I can't continue to be afraid of upsetting someone that is close to me. I helped my boys come into being, and I have to be here for them because my xw cannot.

Let me ask you, RedPill, who will advocate for your D15, if not you? Is there someone else who will do it? Your L, your parents, anyone? Your xw is not wrong for what she does, how she chooses to cope with her illness, but it is still unhealthy and unworkable. This isn't about being a good or bad parent, doing wrong or right. This is about choosing to protect the welfare of your daughter who doesn't own the choice to protect herself. What do you think? I know it's not easy. I hope you can find some peace.

[ForeverDad]

It is what it is.  Trying to hide pertinent information could weaken your case in court, weaken your parenting position.  Yes, maybe smoking MJ isn't a big deal in your state, maybe a few daily drinks isn't too much, maybe combined with prescribed drugs might not have much impact... .but maybe it does.  Can you take that risk, that you've been denying important information from your representative in court?

You're not the only one who is reluctant to tell all.  Sadly, in out types of confrontational, obstructive cases, we can't afford to hide what is probably very meaningful information.

If not you, then who?

How many cops and robbers series have you watched where the lawyer doesn't hear the truth until too late or the lack of information sabotages a case?  Then the lawyer almost shouts to his client, "Why in the world didn't you tell me before?"

Good that you're not partaking of drugs or mixing drugs with drink.  Sometimes when a judge is asked to test one parent, he'll order testing for both.

[flourdust]

Tell your lawyer. That information would be protected by attorney-client privilege.

Telling your lawyer doesn't mean that he's going to turn it around and use it in court against your ex. He can advise you on whether or not it strengthens your case and what the implications are for using that information in court. However, even if your lawyer advocates for using it, as the client, YOU have the decision-making power here. But have that conversation with your lawyer, so you can fully explore your options.

[Grey Kitty]

Tell your lawyer so your lawyer can do the best job for you.

Your lawyer's job is to tell you what is admissible to the courts, and how the courts may view it, and help you come up with a strategy.

If your lawyer doesn't know about it, your lawyer can't give you good advice about it.

If there are negative consequences to your wife, perhaps harming her ability to work which you want to avoid, it is your choice to protect your wife and your lawyer will follow your instructions and avoid bringing it up... .if that is what you choose.

As others have said--it will be your choice whether your lawyer shares it with the courts or not.

Make it a well informed choice, by telling your lawyer.

[bunny4523]

I say tell your lawyer... .that doesn't necessarily mean you have to use the information in the case but atleast the lawyer can give you some insight on how it could impact the case.

[RedPill]

Thanks everyone for your input. That's what I needed to hear to put me into action. I submitted the information to my L for her review. It was helpful to hear that this needed to happen in the best interests of my daughter. It's not about pwBPD and not about me ... .it's about what's best for D15. Thank you!
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RP

[RedPill]

So far I have not gotten much feedback from my L regarding my disclosure of ustbxBPDw's drug use and behavior except for a brief, "maybe we could have her drug tested." We have a phone conference coming up where I'm going to ask specifically whether or not it strengthens my case and what the implications are for using that information in court (thanks Flourdust). According to ustbxBPDw, D15 wishes to stay with both of us and the current direction is towards joint custody. In classic conflict avoidance mode, I am having great difficulty opening this can of worms.

... .when it comes to my sons, I cannot be weak. I am human, I have flaws, I make mistakes. But I will not and can no longer willingly act innocent bystander or normalize abusive or harmful situations simply because I am still seeking that approval for being the good guy when my children's welfare is involved.

I read this and believe it ... .and then I falter.

This is about choosing to protect the welfare of your daughter who doesn't own the choice to protect herself.

Another truth. How do I explain it to D15 without alienating her from her Mother? Why can't I make a decision?

[takingandsending]

RP,

You do see that your xw has already done what you are unwilling to do, i.e. put your D15 in the middle of the conversation? I also received notice from my stbxw that S11 sees himself more at her house than mine. There is no win in this approach. You weren't there, you don't know how things were said.

We all falter. If we didn't we wouldn't have remained in these toxic relationships for long. But we learn, and we grow. Especially when our children need us to. As far as how to have a conversation with your D15 without alienating her, I have been advised by livednlearned, who was an expert in this stuff in my opinion, to ask validating questions. Maybe something like, ":)15, how would you feel if a friend asked you if you liked her better than another friend of yours?" Then validate her feeling (whatever it is) and let her  know that you are honestly sorry if you or her mom placed her in that situation, and tell her that you will do your best not to ask that of her. Tell her that you will support whatever decisions she makes, because you love her. Knowing that you have her back will help her, no matter what else goes on. That's not alienating, but it is parenting.

Lastly, I'd go to my L, ask about involving a CE and express your concern that your D15 is being placed in a lose lose situation by her mom. When I got the text from my xw about S11, I called my L, asked for a child specialist to be enlisted in our case, and expressed that xw behavior was not in kids' best interest and I didn't agree with it.

[RedPill]

You do see that your xw has already done what you are unwilling to do, i.e. put your D15 in the middle of the conversation?

Mind blown. No, I didn't put that together.

I had a good conversation with my T today regarding my difficulty standing up for my values and fear of being perceived as the "bad guy". Looking way back, I can see that my pattern of avoiding conflict began with my FOO and was the perfect match for my stbxuBPDw. We talked about quieting the waffling voice in my head that distracts me from my intuition and "gut" feeling of what is right and wrong. Phone conference with my L tomorrow; I'm going to bring this up and get some answers.
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RP

[takingandsending]

RP,

I completely understand your boundary/values compromised by formative  experience with FOO. Me too! I had the same response as you initially. I was thinking "What am I doing wrong that my S11 feels like he is more secure at his mom's house?"  It took me an hour to think it through, recognize that everything goes through her filters which historically are not accurate. It took me another half hour to see that what she did was unfair to my son and that she would be raging if I did the same thing. Truth is, I have been living so long under a double standard that I have a hard time seeing it when it happens which is often.

Your values sound pretty good. You care about and are putting your daughter before you or your wife's wants. There are good lessons here about distilling down to what values are really core to you. Pick just two or three of the strongest and begin to pay attention to when they are being compromised and look at how you defend them. These things are central to our identity and self value. They are absolutely worth defending

[takingandsending]

Hey, RP.

Did you ever get a hold of your lawyer? How are you and your daughter doing?

[RedPill]

Hi T&S,
I talked to my lawyer about stbxuBPDw's marijuana use last week. L said she did not think it was appropriate to do it in the house around D but did not offer any concrete legal plans nor what ramifications it may hold. D is generally happy & busy with sports & friends but sometimes morose about the breakup. There is a lot of uncertainty right now regarding the house which will be a big loss for her if we have to move.
Grinding along,
RP