1 month Affair-Split-Separation-Coparent Update

[AnuDay]

It has been a little over 1 month since I found this site and found out that my UBPDgf was having an affair.  I thought I would provide an update on my situation fwiw. 

My UBPDgf finally moved out a few days ago.  She had been dragging her feet on the issue for weeks due to not having the money.  She "moved" a few days ago, but still has a lot of stuff in my apt.  She has been pretty agreeable lately, even apologetic.  Perhaps that's because reality is setting in about all of the things that I do for her.  Her fling has offered basically 0 support.   

We have agreed to a 50/50 split regarding the children D6 D3, but they have been spending way more time with me than her due to her financial issues, she doesn't have a job and has never had one.  Her family is supposed to be helping her.  We have agreed to keep issues out of court.  She's so glad that I will be keeping the kids a lot because she can't handle them.  I do not know how long she will maintain this agreement, perhaps I need to get it in writing.  She has been pretty agreeable lately to anything that I say.  She told me that she's not going to let her new "friend" move in with her.  From what I can gather he sounds unstable.  He's going through his own financial struggles and a failed marriage.     

There have been a lot of mental games played between the two of us.  On my end I'm trying to do what I have to do to stay out of court and on her end she still needs financial and emotional support.  Her fling is mainly sexual in nature.  She actually tried to keep the key to my apartment so that she can continue coming in and getting her stuff for God knows how long.  I asked her for the key to her apt, of course she said No.  She understood what I was getting at and gave me my key with some hesitation.  She's been trying to come over an awful lot though as if she wanted to maintain as a family in two separate households.  I was so devastated that I needed my breathing space.  I'm a little bit better now. A couple of times I told her that I was agitated that she was still around and she got offended, but understood she needed to leave.  I don't know if it's some sort of control mechanism or if she just doesn't want to let go.  I asked her if she was split between me and the other guy and she claimed she didn't want to be with the other guy anymore.  She also has agreed to continue to go to relationship counseling.  Maybe this will be one of those BPD splits that end good?   

I think she's very confused and overwhelmed with everything.  I still find myself trying to help her gather her thoughts and helping her think and mainly trying to stay out of court.  I run the risk of not being able to move on myself by fully detaching from her.  I'm a little bit confused too and still in love with her. 

Her mom is coming into town tomorrow for an indefinite period though.  I'm sure that things are bound to get a little murky for me. 

[takingandsending]

Hey AnuDay.

I am glad you have a little more space now. Try to spend a little time on yourself, your feelings and think about what you need or want in a relationship. Some of the exercises in the Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook are really helpful in that. I remember when I did them just how much emotions came up over writing a list of what I wanted or desired from a partner, what I thought my then wife could give if healthy, what she actually gave and those things that I wanted that, healthy or not, she would never be able to provide. The difference between what I thought she could do if healthy and what she actually did was an eye opener to just how much I had allowed everything (big or small) that I wanted to be unmet and normalized that.

Having space now that provides perspective, I can more clearly see that love was really not the question. It was whether or not I was willing to live with the severe limitations of what my xw was capable of providing, and was the effect of living with her reducing my own capacity to provide for my children. The second half of that realization spurred me to ask for a divorce, but now having some time and space for reflection, I see that the first half of the realization is equally important. Every day I spent with my xw was, in part, a denial of things that meant something to me, because my wants and needs threatened her and competed with her fears. I see that now. I didn't when I was in it. It seemed to be about love, or not loving enough.

Take care of your girls. Try, even if outside of courts, to formalize your parenting agreements. What she wants today will surely change. Best to have a structure in place for both of you.

[david]

Just in case, make sure you are documenting the time the children spend with you vs the time with their mom. If you wind up in court this may become very helpful for you and the children.

[Turkish]

You can file a custody order without going to court. 

[AnuDay]

Thank you everyone for your advice and help. 
So far kid exchanges have been friendly.  I am still documenting.  Never know when xpwBPD will turn.

Its been a little more than two weeks since she officially moved out.  Things has been relatively calm I find it easier to live alone in peace.  She has been having a hard time managing her life, typical stuff, nothing major.  Seems like her Affair partner hasn't stepped in.  She has needed me to still do stuff for her.  I have slowly been reducing contact feeling that I'm being used.  When she needs me to do something shes nice.  When she doesnt need me shes cold.  Her overall attitude is the same, horrible. I can't believe I put up with it for so long.

 I'm starting to get back into the things that I used to love to do so that's good. 

The kids have been hurt and has burst into crying. At this point I don't even know if I could get back together for the kids.  I practically begged her to end her affair last month and she wouldnt do it.  She said I only wanted to be together for the kids.  We attempted to reconcile a couple of weeks ago; the next day she saw her Affair partner again.  Supposedly it was nonsexual.  But since that day shes been cold as ice.  She call a lot.  I prefer to communicate by text with her to prevent seesawing and aid in my rehabilitation. She has a way of breaking my mood and spirit.