How do I divorce this person?

[imprisoned]

I've been trying to divorce my husband who is BPD. After ten years of drug addition, a year long affair, and stealing thousands of dollars from me, I am done. I just want out, but every time i bring up divorce, he attempts suicide. We have children together, and I don't want them to lose their dad. I'm in an emotional hostage situation. How do I get out without risking his life?

[MrRight]

I've been trying to divorce my husband who is BPD. After ten years of drug addition, a year long affair, and stealing thousands of dollars from me, I am done. I just want out, but every time i bring up divorce, he attempts suicide. We have children together, and I don't want them to lose their dad. I'm in an emotional hostage situation. How do I get out without risking his life?

I asked that question too - at the beginning of my relationship when I wanted out - she repeatedly threatened suicide.

I had some very good advice from a psychotherapist at the time along the lines - she is 100% responsible for her own life - and if the relationship is not what I want I should get out - even if that means she commits suicide.

I wish I had listened. 17 years later I'm still in this mess.

I doubt if she would have done it - it was pure manipulation. A threat of last resort when nothing else will work.

In your case I cant say whether he will do it or not - you probably need some expert advice. But think - are you prepared to spend the rest of your life with this person so that you have a 100% guarantee he wont kill himself?

And you would not be risking his life. You are not insisting he clears a room of deadly spiders. You just want a divorce. If he kills himself - that is his decision and you cannot be held responsible for it.

[Notwendy]

I agree with Mr. Right and perhaps getting some professional advice from a psychologist will help you establish the boundaries of responsibility for another person's actions.

I can tell you my personal response to this. My BPD mother has threatened and I believe attempted suicide ( I was young and nobody explained what happened at the time- I was told later ). She also threatened to harm herself when we were teens and at one point accidentally fell and did hurt herself. It was very scary for us as kids. I believe this must have terrified my father ( he did not divorce her ).

When my father passed away, my siblings and I discussed concerns about the possibility of this. One was very scared- what if she falls again, what if she does this or that?

My response to this was to ask: "is anyone willing to move in with her and watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesn't?" well the answer was clear. No. We decided that if a person- any person- were to make a suicide threat, they needed professional help. We are not licensed professionals and we are not qualified to help a possibly suicidal person. So we would call 911.

A suicide threat should be taken seriously- and your part is- if your H threatens, call 911. This takes any manipulation off the table. If he wants you to stay, threatens suicide, and you stay, well you don't know if he is serious or just using the threat. If he wants you to stay and you call 911, then you have done your part in this. What he chooses to do when you are not present  is not your responsibility. Even if you stayed married, it would not be realistic for you to watch him 24/7/

[Panda39]

Hi Imprisoned,

I wanted to chime in with Mr.Right and Notwendy, my Significant Other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) who has also threatened suicide several times.

We will never know what is going on in someone else's mind, is the threat real or is it emotional blackmail (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or is it both. His feelings are his feelings and he his responsible for his actions.   We really can't control what someone else does or doesn't do we can only control our own actions.

I agree with Notwendy, when a suicide threat is made call 911 (call every single time) let the professionals (police/paramedics/doctors) get involved and take over that is their job... .handling his suicide threats is not your job or your responsibility. If you have any job here it is to call 911 as it would be the job of anyone hearing a suicide threat, but beyond that he is responsible for himself he is an adult, he is not a child and you are not his mother.

My SO was also worried about his ex when he was thinking about leaving, how would she manage?  His mom said that the ex was like a cat and would land on her feet and you know what she has.  We can care for other people but other than our minor children we are not responsible for anyone else other than ourselves.  Don't take responsibility for something that isn't yours to own.

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Suicide Ideation in others
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Take Care,
Panda39