Just when you think you're doing ok...

[IsThisThingOn]

I guess I just need to release whats goin on inside me today.

Officially 10 days NC today... .I would be more proud of myself except honestly, I'm not sure I would have made it to 10 days if she had actually bothered to reach out at all. I tell myself I would resist the urge to reply because I felt so stupid for replying the last time... .but I dont know.  That really bothers me.

I find myself stuck in this place where I cannot stop myself from feeling my heart yearning for her. Loving her. I read these boards every single day in hopes that it'll strengthen my resolve and maybe convince me that even though, yes, i DO love her... .her love for me wasnt real. The problem is... .I truly in my heart do not believe that at all. It's driving me insane. Sometimes I am able to convince myself for a moment that it was never real but most of the time I am 100% convinced it was and that she's just going through this insanely long, chaotic BPD episode. I dont know if I believe it because I WANT to believe it or because I truly DO believe it.

I find myself talking out loud on my drive into work each day (and then again on my drive back home) -- talking to her. Talking to God. Praying for her to "see the light"  -- I dont know anymore. I feel like I am slowly but surely going insane.

One second I feel strong. I'm distracted from thoughts of her. I am focused on making sure Im living my life and doing what I need to do to keep moving forward. Focus at work. Stay in touch with friends. Balance alone time and social time so theres no extreme. Yet, no matter what I do... .it always circles back to her.

Lately its been me focusing on the "well, what did I do wrong in the relationship?" -- could I have been less stubborn?  Maybe if I hadnt finally lost my temper and yelled back at her after taking all her rages for so long... maybe if I had just kept my cool it wouldnt have erupted.  Should I have taken some of her demands as mere requests? Maybe I read into them too much?  Was I myself too moody? What could I have done differently when she would be in her moods?

The list goes on and on and on. -- Thing is, when I sit and talk it out with someone I am capable of seeing that YES I did have my faults, of course... we all do, but I'm not imagining the things that happened.  I think she manipulated me into believing I was the problem for SO long that now it is DEEPLY ingrained in me. Like a tattoo on my brain and on my conscience that I'll never be able to get rid of.

The worst part is I know she went (and probably is currently) on an insane smear campaign about me. That hurt so badly. In my opinion its probably the worst part about the whole thing.  What gets me about it though is that everything I have heard she's said about me are things that, looking back, she actively molded me into LOOKING like it was true to outsiders. Call me crazy but looking back I feel like she started the groundwork for the smear campaign MONTHS in advance.

Her most outrageous claims:  I'm an alcoholic, a cheater, I tried to physically hurt her on more than one occasion, Im verbally abusive, manipulative, obsessive... .it goes on and on.

Alcoholic?  Sure, I like to have a beer or two after work. Not every day. At least it wasnt until her and I got together. I never drank as much as I did when I was with her. And it was always initiated by her! She'd show up at home with two 30 packs of beer... her version of a guy buying a girl some flowers I guess? -- Wine down Wednesdays was NOT to be missed. "Road cups" as she called them (vodka and seltzer with lime) was a common occurrence... .never my idea. Then one day BAM! She insisted I drank too much and it could no longer happen, that she wanted it completely stopped. Suddenly she was on my case about it all the time even when I WASNT drinking. But of course... .that would only be the case until the day would come she did want to drink and so "Well lets go have drinks to celebrate XYZ tonight" -- suddenly then it was alright. Or, she'd flip on me the day before about drinking even though no drinking had occurred then next day I'd come home to her and her mom in the kitchen and she'd pour me a nice cold beer... .mind you... .just flipped out on me about drinking the day before. It was all so hypocritical!  --- This accusation for whatever reason has gotten under my skin the most. Maybe because I do have alcoholics in my family and it IS such a gripe for me. Which is why I've always been careful about my consumption so for her to say otherwise?  UUUURRRGGGHHH! 

Cheater? She was the one with dating apps on her phone constantly. Physically abusive? The ONE time it got physical, SHE was the one who broke MY nose. I never laid a hand on her. Verbally abusive? I was constantly berated. The name calling was insane. There was ONE instance I finally blew my top and told her she was a real F**ing B**ch -- regretted it IMMEDIATELY and it never, ever happened again.

Ugh. I can sit here and defend myself all day long and show why her smear campaign is a load of BS but whats the point right?  I know my truth in that sense.  I guess I just needed to let out all the steam thats been building inside me over everything today.

Saddest part? Even after typing all of that... .I still in my head find myself finishing with "But I still love her so deeply"  -- makes you wonder who's actually sick... .me or her?

I dont know what to do anymore

[once removed]

hi NewLifeNow  

smear campaigns and accusations about ones character from a loved one really hurt. its like a knife in the wound.

Sometimes I am able to convince myself for a moment that it was never real but most of the time I am 100% convinced it was and that she's just going through this insanely long, chaotic BPD episode. I dont know if I believe it because I WANT to believe it or because I truly DO believe it

it sounds like it doesnt ring quite true for you that she didnt love you. my guess is that she did, intensely. the difficulty is that pwBPD tend to feel very strongly, in terms of love and hate, with little in between. these feelings lead to acting out behaviors.

my ex was diagnosed bipolar, and for a great deal of our relationship, she would refer to her emotional dysregulations as "manic episodes". that led me to dismissing the venemous stuff as her simply being out of her mind at the time. when we broke up, it all felt so surreal to me, that i thought surely she was just out of her mind and it would pass.

unfortunately, adopting a victim mentality is one way many people cope in the aftermath of a breakup. as much of a role as we play, we have little to do with, and little ability to control, how another person copes. it took time, but as i was able to understand and accept that, it helped me to depersonalize her actions/behaviors and take the sting out.

i think the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck speak to this:

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return to the idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking. Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship. As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time. The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

Saddest part? Even after typing all of that... .I still in my head find myself finishing with "But I still love her so deeply"  -- makes you wonder who's actually sick... .me or her?

I dont know what to do anymore

it was a huge load off for me when i stopped shaming myself for loving (or hating, or feeling conflicted) my ex and id encourage you to do the same. feel your feelings, all of them, and try to do so without labeling them "sick" .

as for what to do? build on that. let yourself grieve.

[IsThisThingOn]

it sounds like it doesnt ring quite true for you that she didnt love you. my guess is that she did, intensely. the difficulty is that pwBPD tend to feel very strongly, in terms of love and hate, with little in between. these feelings lead to acting out behaviors.

I think what makes it so hard for me to accept it is because I could SEE how much she loved me. It was like... .when she would say it to me, show me... all I could think is "there is no way to fake this" -- I totally understand what youre saying about how they tend to feel very strongly in both directions. No denying that at all. I could also very much so feel the absolute opposite when she was seething with me. Even then though... .it was like she would go on these rages and when she finally came down from them (which to be honest, she did come down fairly quickly almost every time) she would show genuine concern for me. It was like she would let it all explode and do/say some of the worst things anyone ever has and then once it was all released she would scramble to pick up my pieces. I saw a genuine desire and need to fix what she'd just done... .to the point where during the times I was nowhere near ready to let it all go as quickly as she was ready to piece it back together she'd get annoyed/angry:

"Well I'm trying to move past this and fix it so what is the problem?"

"If you're not going to just let it go then what do you want, are we going to spend the rest of the day like this? Because I'm really not in the mood"

She didnt want to discuss what had just happened or why it escalated to where it had... .she wanted the quick fix.  So often it ended in her trying to hug up on me and kiss me... always coupled with the words "Can you just love me?" -- Can you just love me... .In my head I always thought to myself "I DO love you, that's why that all hurt so bad and why you not wanting to properly discuss it hurts worse. Some things cant just be fixed with 'can you just love me' "

I dont know... .even the times we have seen each other through this rather nasty discard she's shown concern and genuine care. Usually followed by more nastiness shortly after... .but I guess I always equated that to her trying like hell to keep me at a distance. Equate it to her not wanting to be abandoned so in turn she abandons first. If that makes sense?


Thank you for your reply... .It really does help coming on these boards.

And you're right... .I dont like the term "sick" either. I guess I just havent thought of a better way to word it just yet.

[once removed]

there is a certain cognitive dissonance when someone who claims to love you also claims to hate you (or some variation like raging at you or being destructive toward you), and i struggled with that as well.

like you, i wasnt able to so easily let things go. id want to discuss certain things that were said, and ask her to square them, and it was painful for her.

shame is a significant component of BPD, and frankly, revisiting actions taken during an emotional dysregulation is embarrassing for anyone. no one gets black out drunk and spends the next day thinking fondly about their actions. its not dissimilar really.

the push/pull, love and hate is, lets call it "confusing", for both parties. you might find some good insight in this workshop about idealization and devaluation, and why we struggle: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

[lovenature]

Hey New Life

What you wrote about alcoholism and cheating is pure projection, it is a very common psychological defence for a PWBPD. My ex.'s worst projection was of cheating with a former attachment once I got too close and devaluation began: she thought I was involved with numerous women when my words and actions in reality proved the exact opposite.

Hang in there, it gets better the longer you are NC and the more you learn.

[roberto516]

She didnt want to discuss what had just happened or why it escalated to where it had... .she wanted the quick fix.  So often it ended in her trying to hug up on me and kiss me... always coupled with the words "Can you just love me?" -- Can you just love me... .In my head I always thought to myself "I DO love you, that's why that all hurt so bad and why you not wanting to properly discuss it hurts worse. Some things cant just be fixed with 'can you just love me' "

 Equate it to her not wanting to be abandoned so in turn she abandons first. If that makes sense?

I just wanted to say I can relate. It's strange, but a part of me genuinely believes she said the same exact thing "can you just love me?" when I was upset, frustrated, or angry and I would try to talk to her about it. She wouldn't respond at all to conversation but if she found a break she would try and hug me and basically stop it which would actually make me more upset.

It's a shame in the end. To our exe's. Those things were proof we didn't love them. On the opposite end though, as you said, if you don't love someone you don't care what they do, what they say, etc. etc. I genuinely loved her and wanted so bad for us to learn from our arguments. But she didn't want to. Quick fix like you said. Or we'd go on a "break" and then come back days later as if nothing happened. Recipe for disaster in any relationship when conflict ins't resolved/spoken about.

Regarding your second thing I quoted. Yes, it makes perfect sense. Have you ever dumped someone? I did once. She was so upset and hurt and I really didn't care at all (it only lasted 2 months or so and granted I was never "sold" anyway but I still felt just fine). Whenever we are the one leaving we are in control so we feel good and secure. When we dump someone we don't have to scramble for understanding or the feelings of helplessness.

To your original post, I understand completely what you are going through. I went through it for a very long time and I still have numerous moments throughout the day where they come up. But I am getting better at detaching from the circumstances and I can highlight the actual feeling and emotion. Then I verbalize "it's okay to feel this way" and do my best to let it roll off of me.

A lot of it is just time mixed with the brain just finally realizing it's over and will never be again. Albeit to come to that realization is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And you will get there too. I promise.

[Fishmedic]

NewLifeNow
 
Just know, you aren't alone. It's going to get worse before it gets better, thats why we stuck around for so long. I always knew how toxic things were, and how much better off I'd be without her in my life. I tried to end things so many times, but within a week, we were right back at it. The pain is unimaginable when you're finally apart, or know she's already with someone else. That's always what drew me back in. She most recently discarded me in May, so it's been 2 months basically as of tomorrow. I have good days, I have bad days. Most days I think about "when is she going to come back", and how her new relationship just couldn't possibly work, and "if she comes back and gets therapy we can be happy". Unfortunately, none of this is likely to happen. Sure, I'm 99% sure she'll attempt a recycle as soon as her and the new guy break up the first time, she can't be alone after all, and 6yrs together creates a pretty strong attachment. But i know things won't change. She isn't capable of introspection, therefore me and everyone else are the problem, but never her. She's a victim in this cold hard world. So, this is my out from this cycle. I'm enduring the pain, began therapy last week, trying to stay busy and become a bit more social, all though thats tough after becoming so introverted DUE to this relationship. It sucks man, I get it. I'm right where you are, just keep your head up, look out for yourself, and stay active on this board. It's something i do every night before bed to relax my mind. I read about how so many other people have had to deal and put up with the schit I have, sometimes worse, and that i'm not in this alone. One day it'll get better, but for now, this helps me seek enough comfort to keep my wits about me.  
 
Cheers

[IsThisThingOn]

What you wrote about alcoholism and cheating is pure projection, it is a very common psychological defence for a PWBPD. My ex.'s worst projection was of cheating with a former attachment once I got too close and devaluation began: she thought I was involved with numerous women when my words and actions in reality proved the exact opposite.

Hang in there, it gets better the longer you are NC and the more you learn.

Projection at its worst. I just hate that this is one of her most solid arguments in her smear campaign. I dont think I realized what was happening when it was happening but she was always really great about not drinking her "norm" around others while still grabbing me drink after drink. Of course I didnt always accept the refills but I did drink while she remained "the good girl" -- I inadvertently gave her all the leverage she needed there.

  I'm right where you are, just keep your head up, look out for yourself, and stay active on this board. It's something i do every night before bed to relax my mind. I read about how so many other people have had to deal and put up with the schit I have, sometimes worse, and that i'm not in this alone. One day it'll get better, but for now, this helps me seek enough comfort to keep my wits about me.

Thanks Fishmedic -- I cannot tell you enough how much this board has helped me talk myself off a ledge during those moments I get really antsy. I read on another post how your xpwBPD left right around Mothers Day... .right there with you. It was actually the very next day for me.  So crazy to me how earlier that same day I was left a cute note by the coffeemaker to make up for being bratty the day before and cute "I love you" messages... one that arrived just an hour before it all hit the fan and suddenly everything was over.  It just seems so surreal.

  I have good days, I have bad days. Most days I think about "when is she going to come back", and how her new relationship just couldn't possibly work, and "if she comes back and gets therapy we can be happy". Unfortunately, none of this is likely to happen.

Today I am especially stuck in that mindset. Unfortunately for me, your final sentence I highlighted in red is one I cant seem to accept at all today or for the last couple days for that matter.  It's soul crushing how hard I have been holding on to the idea that she will come down from this rollercoaster long enough to want to seek help. Soul crushing how every time my phone goes off I hope its an email from her.  Soul crushing (with an added pit in my stomach) questioning whether or not I would have the strength to stay NC.

Another "blue day" here on my end.  Trying to stay focused on work, read the boards, and focus on getting through. Sigh.


Thanks for all your input guys, I really do appreciate it beyond words.

[Unsureofmyself]

Hi I just wanted to how much I can relate to this post I was discarded on Sunday not even a week ago. It's happened to me by the same person on numerous occasions where he just leaves our town and runs away and forgets everything that had happened between us or so it feels like. Your words ring true with me when you stated that even after all the pain hurt and manipulation you still love them. This make me question whether there is something wrong with me and not them.

I think about all the hurt and pain he caused through his action which he never seemed to think about any consequence to the actions he carried out. He would take all my money, live with me rent free, give unrealistic demands, disappear every weekend on cocaine binges. He literally took me for everything however I thought all that was worth it just so I could feel like I was in a loving relationship. I genuinely don't beleive it's him I am attached to because logically I feel like I know I'd be ok without him however it's the emotional bond we had and the investment of my time energy money and love that I feel cheated out of I think. I feel like there must have been so much love there for me to love someone that unconditionally and therefore the bond must have been strong... .it's really hard to take and understand the time they are in discard mode because it makes you question everything that has happened. My BPD ex has returned to me on many occasions no matter how bad the situation had gotten he still found it in him to test the waters and see if he could manipulate me and unfortunately I have always let him back in. The scariest part for me is knowing that if he comes back I need to be strong enough to walk away this time. Will I ever get that strong?

[Elmurr]

Hi,  just wanted to add a short reply to say I've been where you are. It's now 3 months since I broke my hand on my ex's bedroom door after she discarded me over night. It is extremely painful, and yes she probably did love you, as much as SHE can.

At 10 days NC it was extremely difficult. At 3 months it's still difficult but eventually you start to feel better. I woke up this morning from a dream where I met up with her and we kissed, and I was desperate for her, and she just wasn't interested.

The agonising truth is that her perspective does not match your own. Her defence mechanisms will make her completely block you out. Lack of object consistency makes her easily able to forget about someone if she's not with them, even if it has been years.

My advice is to realise who she is. She is not right in the head. The sooner you can come to terms with the fact that no matter what you did it would have changed nothing.

Please do not contact her. It will prolong your hurt and make you less attractive to her.

The ONLY way to regain respect from her is to get on with your life, be successful, and forget about her. Nothing else will make her interested. BPDs want for only things they cannot have. There is no exception.

Stay strong, focus on yourself, be a success, and realise that she is not like you or any normal person.

Give it time, after a few months it starts to get easier.

Good luck