Estranged from my mom and not sure what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother has always had BPD and I've just taken the verbal abuse my whole life.  The next day she always seems shocked that her words affected me.  My sister has gone years without talking to her but not me.  She is single and lives alone.  This year my son graduated from high school and it was pretty stressful.  She went on and on about us having the party at my in laws and how much she hated the house we built because there's no parking.  The day after she sent a nasty message to me on Facebook because the picture of my son and his grandfather (her ex of 30 years) picture was before the picture of her and my son.  I was exhausted and said fine, I'll ___ down my Facebook.  I haven't talked to her since.  That was 1 month ago.  She's older and I'm worried that she needs help and there is no one to help her--should I call her?

[Sugargirl]

My mother has always had BPD and I've just taken the verbal abuse my whole life.  The next day she always seems shocked that her words affected me.  My sister has gone years without talking to her but not me.  She is single and lives alone.  This year my son graduated from high school and it was pretty stressful.  She went on and on about us having the party at my in laws and how much she hated the house we built because there's no parking.  The day after she sent a nasty message to me on Facebook because the picture of my son and his grandfather (her ex of 30 years) picture was before the picture of her and my son.  I was exhausted and said fine, I'll ___ down my Facebook.  I haven't talked to her since.  That was 1 month ago.  She's older and I'm worried that she needs help and there is no one to help her--should I call her?

[Turkish]

Hi Sugargirl,



I won't say whether you should call her or not.  It's certainly a stressful position in which to be given the last interaction between both of you.  You're worried about her,  however.  

Would it be correct to say that she's going to complain about things no matter what?

We are who we all are,  and she is who she is.  A better communication strategy can help you if you decide to call.  Would you be willing to give it a try? This might help to start:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Let us know what you think.

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi Sugargirl

I would like to join Turkish in welcoming you here. Dealing with verbal abuse from one's own mother is very unpleasant. Even if you were to contact her again, taking steps to protect yourself indeed seems a wise strategy. I agree with Turkish that looking into boundaries would be a good idea. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important when dealing with BPD family-members (and other disordered individuals) as boundaries help us protect and preserve our own well-being.

Also to help you communicate with your mother and assert your needs for change, it can help to look into some of the communication techniques described on this site:

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

Applying these structured ways of communicating, can help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. Following the scripts can also help you stay more calm yourself. Were you perhaps already familiar with these techniques?

You have been dealing with your mother's verbal abuse your whole life. At what point did you learn about BPD? Has your mother perhaps been officially diagnosed with BPD or any other disorder? Has she perhaps ever gotten any kind of help for her issues?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[Sugargirl]

Thank you both for the resources, I will check them out before reaching out.  I realized she was BPDwhen I went for counseling and within 15 minutes she told me about BPD.  When I approached my mom about it, she said yes she did have it but that's just the way she is.  She will not take any medicine because it makes her gain weight and dulls her feelings.  When she is on medicine she's so easy to get along with.  I really can't believe she would rather be slim and hateful!  She's 72 years old. 

[pyropsycho]

Wow, I'm surprised she was so agreeable about having BPD when you approached her about it. Do you think she would consider therapy? I think my mom is still in denial pretty hardcore, even though she's asked me (I'm a psychologist) what I think is "wrong" with her and I told her I think she has BPD. I've seen many people be able to come to terms with it and learn skills that help them function better in everyday life, so it's often frustrating to me that my mom won't or can't do that. But alas, she is who she is and I can't change that.