Thanks FF - I think I am at the point where I need help with saying things to him about my values and feelings. I have spent so much time in the past trying "manage" his feelings and triggers that I have lost my voice.
I did this as well. I thought, as many others have... .and I suspect you do, that "putting the other person first" is a good thing... .a good value.
And it is In "normal" relationships it is usually a good thing. When BPDish stuff shows up... .we keeping put them "more first" and pushing ourselves to the back.
They get used to this and come to expect it as normal. The "nons" are going What the heck? this used to work and keep trying. Then one day the "non" wakes up and is like... ."what is going on" The non changes... .the pwBPD flips out because what "used to work" doesn't work anymore.
It took a while to get there (where you used to be) and it will take a while to get back (or forward) to the place you want to be.
Be patient with yourself. Have empathy for him. Who would you rather be... .you are the pwBPD? Seriously... .consider how blessed you are.
I never really use any titles of any sort to describe our relationship.
Scratch this then... .it will only stir up trouble. Whatever you call him... .keep that going. Do you just use his name?
Hmmmm... .perhaps my only suggestion here (consider if this would help) is to try to personalize the r/s by using his name more in a friendly tone of voice.
Consider the difference in "Oh my... .look at the lovely rainbow, come share this view with me"
"oh my... Jimmy... .look at the lovely rainbow, come share this view with me." It's a small thing but small things can lead to attitude change.
We had another ok week. We were busy at work - we had dinners together and everything was good.
Good... build on that... .this is wonderful
Yesterday, at the end of the day, he walked into my office and I could feel that his mood had changed. He started to get mad about something - but before I could even figure out what he was mad at, I left.
I was excited about this part... .super excited... . And in the big scheme of things... this is progress. I also think insight into your own feelings would help here.
If you were exhausted and on edge... .super great idea to leave.
If you were "in a good place"... .break out tools and use them (while being ready to leave)
I said that I could tell he isn't feeling good and that I would be at home and hopefully see him for dinner.
OK... .I can see you meant well... .and I don't want to say this was horrible. Yet there are better ways here.
Let go of assumptions Be friendly, be concerned... .ask open ended questions. Avoid suggestive questions.
You "suggested" he wasn't feeling good. Personally... .I've found that a recipe for disaster. It's like pitching them a fastball to knock out of the park.
I am aware of other relationships where this type of thing is a positive. For now... I'd give it a rest.
So...
"hey... what's wrong"? (bad... .there is assumption something is wrong or bad)
"hey... .what's new"? (much better... .) or ask about something specific as a greeting "Hey... .did you see xyz on the internet (tv... etc etc)?"
I tend to stay away from "how are you feeling" as a general question. In my r/s... it's kinda fastball for a jerk response (such as "isn't it obvious" or "shouldn't you know". I will ask how my wife feels about something specific.
I was tempted to call him a few times but I had a feeling he wasn't ready to talk. He called at 10:30 last night - after I went to bed. He left a message that he hadn't eaten - he felt sick and was going to bed.
Likely the best move you could make.
This am, I had a very early work meeting which had been scheduled for weeks. I decided to stop by after it was over to see how he was.
It would have been better to say you stopped by to discuss the meeting. Assume best to discuss business first... .gently stick your toe in the water about personal stuff and feelings. Let him manage his feelings. You manage yours.
Well, he was super mad that I don't care about him - work is more important etc. I said that I am sorry he feels like I don't care - I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me.
I'm seeing a boundary here. If he wants to know your feelings... .he can ask. If you want to know his feelings... .you can ask.
Less assuming is better.
That didn't go over at all, and he wants to end things - we had a good run - I don't make him happy.
Think about why you listened to this or "participated" at all. Likely best to kick this down the road, vice say you won't listen. That's easier if your pretext is stopping by for business.
"Hey... your thoughts are important to me. I can't give them my full attention right now, would you like to talk at 7 or 8pm tonight?"
I got ready to leave and it made him madder - just proves to him that I don't care. I said I do care deeply and I feel horrible when he feels so bad. He started to blame me for letting him get into the bad place and that was my cue to go.
Move your cue to go up much earlier... . I'm really glad that you have a cue.
You also invalidated here... .
He "feels" you don't care. You "prove" you do...
Invalidation is bad!I need any suggestion I can get - I end up not wanting to jade - not being able to validate and I say nothing which I know is just as invalidating.
Perhaps a knowledge gap here. Saying nothing is ... .saying nothing. If they want to invalidate themselves over silence... .that's their business.
There are better options than silence... .but they will take practice to pull off.
blah blah blah... .you only care about work, you took my cheerios, and at the piece of cake I was saving. I've never had cake, you always take it, etc etc
"Oh my goodness... I'm taken aback. I'm not prepared to discuss this further at the moment. Is there anything else you want to talk about before I go?"
that's better than silence... .but silence is not bad
Remember... it's ok to express genuine shock here. Try to avoid saying thing with a "oh great... this again attitude"
I have spent some time thinking about whether this relationship is enough as it is. I don't have a clear answer yet - I just don't know. I feel like I need to get mentally stronger to try and figure out what I want to do.
The absolute best part of the post. And the best place to spend your energy.
What is your plan to do this?
FF