Am I doing the right thing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been three weeks since the incident in the car.  I have tried my best to move past it and let go of some of the horrible hurtful things he said.  I have been firm in my boundary that I will leave if he begins to get upset/angry at me about something.  The first two weeks afterward, I think he felt bad and he was more aware of his actions and behaviors.  Things were nice, calm and normal.  I tried to enjoy the peace but I know it wont last.

This past week, he's been up and down.   Small random things have been triggering him.  I try to see if I can validate and we can discuss, it hasn't been working so I leave.  Every time he reaches out after, if he seems ok, I talk to him.  If not, I don't.  I don't really know what else to do.

Last night, out of nowhere, he got super angry with me about nothing.  I grabbed my purse and said it's time for me to leave.  I said that I hope he has a good sleep and I would see him in the morning.  I woke up kind of feeling off and grumpy today.  I didn't sleep great and i just didn't feel like myself.  I stopped by his house on the way to work.  He was having coffee and he seemed ok.   I walked in and I dropped my phone.  He flipped out that he can't get a moment's peace and he was trying to get himself into a good mood.  I said I was sorry and I left.  He was grumbling while I was walking out that I can't face our relationship - the worst thing I can do is leave when he is in a "bad" way and he is so sick of me.

He called almost immediately and left a message saying that leaving is the worst thing I can do for him and our relationship.

A couple of hours later, he called.  I didn't answer - I was on the phone with a client.  He called again a half hour later.  When I answered, he laid into me immediately that he is sick and tired of being with me - he hasn't been happy in years and its time for him to focus on himself - his life and what he needs.  I said that I was sorry and that I understand that he isn't happy with me.  I said I accept that he needs to focus on himself.  He got super mad that I have taken everything away from him and he can't start over - he can't work - he can't stand his life. He yelled for another minute or so about being trapped with me and hung up. 

He called again a few times and then texted me that I have ruined him.   I didn't respond to the text. 

I am not sure why I start to doubt myself.  Why the thoughts that I shouldn't leave - that I should stay and try to work things out start to creep into my head.  I know better.  There is nothing I could say or do to help the situation when he gets in a bad way.   I am sick of the cycle but I know this is who he is.  I just feel so much anger and resentment when he starts to yell at me.  So many times I bite my tongue to not fight with him - not to make the situation worse.  I am not exactly sure how to let all the anger and resentment go.  Even when things are ok - I know its just a matter of time before he goes off. 

Days like today - when I keep a boundary in place, I don't know why I feel so guilty.  I think the main problem I am struggling with at this moment, is that it feels like this cycle will never end.  I will always be the one who ruined his life - who reminds him of all the bad things that happened to him - that he wants to end things with me.  I don't know if i am doing the right thing.   Any thoughts?

[coworkerfriend]

It's been three weeks since the incident in the car.  I have tried my best to move past it and let go of some of the horrible hurtful things he said.  I have been firm in my boundary that I will leave if he begins to get upset/angry at me about something.  The first two weeks afterward, I think he felt bad and he was more aware of his actions and behaviors.  Things were nice, calm and normal.  I tried to enjoy the peace but I know it wont last.

This past week, he's been up and down.   Small random things have been triggering him.  I try to see if I can validate and we can discuss, it hasn't been working so I leave.  Every time he reaches out after, if he seems ok, I talk to him.  If not, I don't.  I don't really know what else to do.

Last night, out of nowhere, he got super angry with me about nothing.  I grabbed my purse and said it's time for me to leave.  I said that I hope he has a good sleep and I would see him in the morning.  I woke up kind of feeling off and grumpy today.  I didn't sleep great and i just didn't feel like myself.  I stopped by his house on the way to work.  He was having coffee and he seemed ok.   I walked in and I dropped my phone.  He flipped out that he can't get a moment's peace and he was trying to get himself into a good mood.  I said I was sorry and I left.  He was grumbling while I was walking out that I can't face our relationship - the worst thing I can do is leave when he is in a "bad" way and he is so sick of me.

He called almost immediately and left a message saying that leaving is the worst thing I can do for him and our relationship.

A couple of hours later, he called.  I didn't answer - I was on the phone with a client.  He called again a half hour later.  When I answered, he laid into me immediately that he is sick and tired of being with me - he hasn't been happy in years and its time for him to focus on himself - his life and what he needs.  I said that I was sorry and that I understand that he isn't happy with me.  I said I accept that he needs to focus on himself.  He got super mad that I have taken everything away from him and he can't start over - he can't work - he can't stand his life. He yelled for another minute or so about being trapped with me and hung up. 

He called again a few times and then texted me that I have ruined him.   I didn't respond to the text. 

I am not sure why I start to doubt myself.  Why the thoughts that I shouldn't leave - that I should stay and try to work things out start to creep into my head.  I know better.  There is nothing I could say or do to help the situation when he gets in a bad way.   I am sick of the cycle but I know this is who he is.  I just feel so much anger and resentment when he starts to yell at me.  So many times I bite my tongue to not fight with him - not to make the situation worse.  I am not exactly sure how to let all the anger and resentment go.  Even when things are ok - I know its just a matter of time before he goes off. 

Days like today - when I keep a boundary in place, I don't know why I feel so guilty.  I think the main problem I am struggling with at this moment, is that it feels like this cycle will never end.  I will always be the one who ruined his life - who reminds him of all the bad things that happened to him - that he wants to end things with me.  I don't know if i am doing the right thing.   Any thoughts?

[flourdust]

If you're trying to maintain the relationship, I can't say that there is anything you could have done better! You maintained your boundaries, validated appropriately, and didn't try to fix him or change him. You didn't engage in escalating his drama.

You still sound unsatisfied, though. It seems to me that this is about as good as this relationship can be. Is that enough for you?

[formflier]

I applaud you for holding the boundary.  He is trying to get you back to the "old you".  This will likely go on for a while.

Since it is obvious the boundaries are working, I would suggest leaving earlier... listening to less.

Perhaps start a leave and return in 10 minutes thing.  

"I'll check back in 10 minutes.  I'll stay if the hurtful words are no longer between us."

Remember... .identify the issue without blaming.  Then... .it's up to him.  Respect his choice.  He will have to respect yours.

Again... .this will take a while.

Flourdust's question is a big one.  

Is that enough for you?

Also as important... ."why are you doing this"  this being trying to continue the relationship.

No right or wrong answers... .yet it is critical that you have a clear answer.  Hopefully one that is based on your values, since a value based answer is more likely to be sustained by you.

We can help you with "tactics" and "words", as I did above,... .only you can help you with your values and "life choices".

Again... .very proud of the boundaries you are using.  They are working... .wear that like a badge of honor!   

FF

[Lalathegreat]

I am so proud of you for holding up under some pretty intense pressure and maintaining the boundary that you established. 

I am almost 2 months out of my relationship and I won't lie and say that it's been easy. It hasn't. Not even a little bit, and you have a lot more time invested in your relationship than I did. If he contacted me today on the charm offensive I can't promise I wouldn't completely fold. So with that huge disclaimer out there... .

One of the things that I am really beginning to be able to see about my relationship with more clarity now that I'm out is that it wasn't about me. I could never have been ENOUGH to satisfy his gaping emotional needs. You know that my guy was very similar in many ways, and I will never forget how he assigned me blame for everything from losing his job, to being the reason he had no other friends, to standing between him and his son, to his being broke. Whenever you write about one of your pwBPD's rants I relate completely. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that none of this is about YOU. And there is nothing that you can do to fix this disordered thinking, his pattern of blaming, or any of the underlying issues. But I suspect you know that.

The only thing you CAN do is continue to distance yourself by holding your boundaries when he starts to be abusive. You have made tremendous progress with this! I see nothing above that could have been done better.   FF has a good point about considering if you could reduce or minimize the abuse by leaving earlier.

Ultimately, once you have held your boundaries long enough to reflect on where you're at, you will have to answer flourdust's question. Will that relationship be enough? Will the good times be enough to justify staying through the times of disregulation?

Because it's not something that will probably ever change completely and that isn't YOUR fault. None of that BS is actually about you.

Hang in there... . 

[formflier]

Lala,

So glad to hear from you again.  Thanks for sharing.  Keep up the self care!

FF

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for the words of encouragement - I am having a really hard time right now. 

He called me quite a bit last night and started calling at 9am.  I didn't answer.  I knew in my gut he wasn't calling to apologize or to have a conversation with me.  Since I didn't answer, he came to my house this am and picked up any stuff of his he had left there.  He said he called his ex and is spending the weekend with her.  Since I refuse to be there for him when he needs me the most, he is going back to her.  He said he can't trust me at all.  Unfortunately, all of this has triggered me and I feel the old panic that I used to feel all the time when he "ended" it.   I don't know why I am feeling so weak and scared today.  He has ended it a million times for a million reasons. 

I know that I can't be around him when he is blaming me for all the horrible things that have happened since we have been together.  I know I don't deserve the verbal abuse - the anger directed at me.   I know that he is pushing me hard today since I am trying so hard to stay firm with my boundary.  The pressure right now is very intense and I can't really calm myself down.   

I know I lost myself throughout this relationship.  I have been trying to find myself again.  I need to feel strong about what my core values are and at the moment, I just feel lost.  I need to figure out why I am doing this.  Why do I want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me.  Who calls his ex when he needs support or friendship or whatever. 

In all honestly, I don't know if this is enough.  He left therapy.  He blames me for all the bad things in his life.  He dysregulates and doesn't want to be near me.  I can tell by the look in his eye he feels nothing for me when he dysregulates.   That is hurtful and painful.  And yet I stupidly forgive him over and over and continue this dysfunctional cycle. 

I just feel lost and alone right now. 

[flourdust]

I certainly agree that you don't deserve to be treated like this. Nobody does. Are you seeing a therapist?

[coworkerfriend]

Yes I am seeing a therapist.  I started with her in April - she has experience with BPD.  I haven't been able to see her due to her vacation for the past few weeks. 

Before she went on vacation, we started talking about how all the men in my life have had significant issues and I haven't dealt with any of them in a healthy way.  My ex was extremely self involved - didn't care at all about me and my kids.  She has pointed out that I have strong codependency issues and I have always given too much of myself. 

I am struggling with panic right now that he has ended it which feels like I have taken 10 steps backwards.   

[Lalathegreat]

Coworkerfriend - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I understand the panic, and I certainly relate to the sense of knowing when something isn't healthy but feeling helpless and hopeless to change the pattern. You and I have talked about our similar backgrounds with this, let me give you the biggest virtual hug I can! 

I do seem to be able to have greater clarity when it comes to OTHER people's situations, go figure.   I sense here that this is an extinction burst. I feel he is probably polishing out the threat that has always sent you into a panic before because you have held your boundary and he is becoming increasingly desperate to force you back under his thumb.

And that means you have a hard decision to make.

It will be the hardest thing in the world, but I sincerely hope that you "call his bluff" and hold your boundary. I fear that if you don't, it will only make it harder next time. Could this force the end for real? Maybe. (I kind of doubt it.) What I do know is that if you don't hold, you will end up back in the loop with a pwBPD who is emboldened by his latest "win".

Please know that I say all of this with a tremendous amount of empathy and compassion and that I will be here to support you no matter what you choose to do or what happens.

Keep us updated so that we can be here for you!

And FF - Thank you for your kind words! I still feel very "one day at a time" sometimes, but I can feel that I am beginning to heal.

Layla

[SamwizeGamgee]

@Coworker. - wow, great job on the boundaries.  I suspect that the most painful time in a BPD's life is when they run into a justified boundary that is held up.  Very good work. It's hard, I know.
Also, good job not getting dragged into a text-battle or other arguments.
Something to watch for is how his behavior is that of a blackmailer.  He's trying to force your behavior (control you) in any way that works.  When you disconnect the blackmail, you set yourself a little more free.  I visualize this in my life when it happen with my wife - as a look of confusion when now the buttons that worked for almost 20 years, stop working.  You must be aware on on guard as you learn new patterns, but , it can be done. 

Best wishes, and take care of yourself!

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks everyone.  It has been challenging keeping up the boundary of leaving immediately if things go south. The comments he makes really get to me sometimes.

Saturday, when I didn't answer any calls or texts, he started to look for me.  He went to my house and my kids told him I was at work.  They texted me he was on his way so I left and went home.  After a couple of hours, his son started to text me to let me know they had cooked dinner and wanted us to join them.  He really wasn't taking no for an answer so we went over.  I walked in and my pwBPD said I am still mad at you but the kids wanted to eat together.  I said I assumed he was still mad and he dropped it.   We had dinner and I went home. 

Sunday he came over to my house to do some yard work.  He asked if I would have a cup of coffee with him.  We sat outside for a bit.  He explained to me that he is never really mad at me but he just takes it out on me.  I said I understand what he is doing but it is hard on me and that it is better for me to leave when he gets upset. He said he has never been able to work on and address his anger issues and how he can't control his outbursts.  He said he never called his exwife - he said he didn't think that was a good idea.  I mentioned that he  could look for a therapist that might be better suited to talk to him about his anger. He said that he is hopeless - that a therapist couldn't help.  He said that he hates that he can't control his emotions. I listened and validated during the conversation.  Thank goodness for the information I have learned on the boards.    The rest of the day was fine - I was busy doing errands and he kept himself busy as well.

He actually came to work this week - and worked while he was here.  We had dinner last night and he started to get really mad about something and stopped himself.  He said he needed a few minutes - he went outside and came back and apologized.  I didn't stay much longer after that -I was tired and I knew I had a busy day at work. 

In no way do I think that he won't dysregulate again but I guess I feel more resolved to just leave - stay away and stop participating in the cycle.  It has been exhausting and draining and I truly feel like I just need a break from the drama.  I am focusing on work and trying to take a break from thinking about it all the time.  Thanks again for all the support.  It really helped!

[formflier]

Inevitably... .the conversation about a therapist being hopeless and he can't control it will come back up again.

I think you should practice saying a few things, make them your own.  This is not JADE... .but (assuming you agree these are your values) a communication of your values and your "role" (going forward) in the relationship.


Suggested place to start. 

blah blah blah... .I can't control myself and therapists won't help... .blah blah blah

"Hey babe... .I've got something very important to say can you listen for a couple minutes?"

Hush... .listen... remain friendly.  At most, redirect him back to your question.

No reason to proceed until you hear "I'm ready to listen... ." or something like that.

"Hey babe... .our relationship is important to me.  I want to be together with you as your girlfriend (whatever your title is).  I don't have the skills to help with your uncontrolled anger.  Going forward, I leave uncontrolled anger up to you and your therapist.  I believe in you and want our relationship to succeed."

FF

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks FF - I think I am at the point where I need help with saying things to him about my values and feelings.  I have spent so much time in the past trying "manage" his feelings and triggers that I have lost my voice.

I absolutely love and appreciate your suggestion - it is how I feel about it.  I also never know what to call myself - I guess I am his girlfriend - I started out calling him my partner (business partner) and I never really use any titles of any sort to describe our relationship.

We had another ok week.  We were busy at work - we had dinners together and everything was good.  Yesterday, at the end of the day, he walked into my office and I could feel that his mood had changed.  He started to get mad about something - but before I could even figure out what he was mad at, I left.  I said that I could tell he isn't feeling good and that I would be at home and hopefully see him for dinner.  I was tempted to call him a few times but I had a feeling he wasn't ready to talk.  He called at 10:30 last night - after I went to bed.  He left a message that he hadn't eaten - he felt sick and was going to bed.  This am, I had a very early work meeting which had been scheduled for weeks.  I decided to stop by after it was over to see how he was.  Well, he was super mad that I don't care about him - work is more important etc. I said that I am sorry he feels like I don't care - I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me.  That didn't go over at all, and he wants to end things - we had a good run - I don't make him happy.  I got ready to leave and it made him madder - just proves to him that I don't care.  I said I do care deeply and I feel horrible when he feels so bad.  He started to blame me for letting him get into the bad place and that was my cue to go. 

I need any suggestion I can get - I end up not wanting to jade - not being able to validate and I say nothing which I know is just as invalidating. 

I have spent some time thinking about whether this relationship is enough as it is.  I don't have a clear answer yet - I just don't know.  I feel like I need to get mentally stronger to try and figure out what I want to do.

[formflier]

Thanks FF - I think I am at the point where I need help with saying things to him about my values and feelings.  I have spent so much time in the past trying "manage" his feelings and triggers that I have lost my voice.

I did this as well.  I thought, as many others have... .and I suspect you do, that "putting the other person first" is a good thing... .a good value.  And it is  In "normal" relationships it is usually a good thing.  When BPDish stuff shows up... .we keeping put them "more first" and pushing ourselves to the back. 

They get used to this and come to expect it as normal.  The "nons" are going What the heck?  this used to work and keep trying.  Then one day the "non" wakes up and is like... ."what is going on"  The non changes... .the pwBPD flips out because what "used to work" doesn't work anymore. 

It took a while to get there (where you used to be) and it will take a while to get back (or forward) to the place you want to be.

Be patient with yourself.  Have empathy for him.  Who would you rather be... .you are the pwBPD?  Seriously... .consider how blessed you are.

  I never really use any titles of any sort to describe our relationship.

Scratch this then... .it will only stir up trouble.  Whatever you call him... .keep that going.  Do you just use his name? 

Hmmmm... .perhaps my only suggestion here (consider if this would help) is to try to personalize the r/s by using his name more in a friendly tone of voice. 

Consider the difference in "Oh my... .look at the lovely rainbow, come share this view with me"

"oh my... Jimmy... .look at the lovely rainbow, come share this view with me."  It's a small thing but small things can lead to attitude change.

We had another ok week.  We were busy at work - we had dinners together and everything was good. 

Good... build on that... .this is wonderful

 Yesterday, at the end of the day, he walked into my office and I could feel that his mood had changed.  He started to get mad about something - but before I could even figure out what he was mad at, I left. 

I was excited about this part... .super excited... .  And in the big scheme of things... this is progress.  I also think insight into your own feelings would help here. 

If you were exhausted and on edge... .super great idea to leave. 

If you were "in a good place"... .break out tools and use them (while being ready to leave)

I said that I could tell he isn't feeling good and that I would be at home and hopefully see him for dinner. 

OK... .I can see you meant well... .and I don't want to say this was horrible.  Yet there are better ways here. 

Let go of assumptions  Be friendly, be concerned... .ask open ended questions.  Avoid suggestive questions.

You "suggested" he wasn't feeling good.  Personally... .I've found that a recipe for disaster.  It's like pitching them a fastball to knock out of the park. 

I am aware of other relationships where this type of thing is a positive.  For now... I'd give it a rest.

So...

"hey... what's wrong"?  (bad... .there is assumption something is wrong or bad)

"hey... .what's new"? (much better... .) or ask about something specific as a greeting "Hey... .did you see xyz on the internet (tv... etc etc)?"

I tend to stay away from "how are you feeling" as a general question.  In my r/s... it's kinda fastball for a jerk response (such as "isn't it obvious" or "shouldn't you know".  I will ask how my wife feels about something specific.

I was tempted to call him a few times but I had a feeling he wasn't ready to talk.  He called at 10:30 last night - after I went to bed.  He left a message that he hadn't eaten - he felt sick and was going to bed. 

Likely the best move you could make. 

 This am, I had a very early work meeting which had been scheduled for weeks.  I decided to stop by after it was over to see how he was.

It would have been better to say you stopped by to discuss the meeting.  Assume best to discuss business first... .gently stick your toe in the water about personal stuff and feelings.  Let him manage his feelings.  You manage yours.

  Well, he was super mad that I don't care about him - work is more important etc. I said that I am sorry he feels like I don't care - I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me. 

I'm seeing a boundary here.  If he wants to know your feelings... .he can ask.  If you want to know his feelings... .you can ask. 

Less assuming is better.

 That didn't go over at all, and he wants to end things - we had a good run - I don't make him happy.

Think about why you listened to this or "participated" at all.  Likely best to kick this down the road, vice say you won't listen.  That's easier if your pretext is stopping by for business. 

"Hey... your thoughts are important to me.  I can't give them my full attention right now, would you like to talk at 7 or 8pm tonight?"

  I got ready to leave and it made him madder - just proves to him that I don't care.  I said I do care deeply and I feel horrible when he feels so bad.  He started to blame me for letting him get into the bad place and that was my cue to go. 

Move your cue to go up much earlier... .  I'm really glad that you have a cue. 

You also invalidated here... . 

He "feels" you don't care.  You "prove" you do...   Invalidation is bad!

I need any suggestion I can get - I end up not wanting to jade - not being able to validate and I say nothing which I know is just as invalidating. 

Perhaps a knowledge gap here.  Saying nothing is ... .saying nothing.  If they want to invalidate themselves over silence... .that's their business.

There are better options than silence... .but they will take practice to pull off.

blah blah blah... .you only care about work, you took my cheerios, and at the piece of cake I was saving.  I've never had cake, you always take it, etc etc

"Oh my goodness... I'm taken aback.  I'm not prepared to discuss this further at the moment.  Is there anything else you want to talk about before I go?"

that's better than silence... .but silence is not bad

Remember... it's ok to express genuine shock here.  Try to avoid saying thing with a "oh great... this again attitude"

I have spent some time thinking about whether this relationship is enough as it is.  I don't have a clear answer yet - I just don't know.  I feel like I need to get mentally stronger to try and figure out what I want to do.

The absolute best part of the post.  And the best place to spend your energy.

What is your plan to do this?

FF

[formflier]

I wanted to address mind reading separately.  Consider my methods but likely best you evaluate other options, depending on how big a deal this is to you.

It was a big deal to me and I dealt with it in a rather harsh way.  It was effective (for me) and frankly, at the time, I didn't give much of a rip about her feelings, especially when I perceived she was the one upsetting her own feelings.

The basic theory of my method was to ask if they were asking about my feelings.  She rarely said yes.  She used to try to claim a "right" to share her opinions about my feelings (which were almost always wrong and negative).  I would state my value, turn my back on her and leave.  Many times I would make a dismissive wave with my hand.  (again... not recommending this... .relating my experience)

the last time this came up... .we were riding to get a milkshake

out of nowhere

FFw "I don't understand why you are mad about abc?" (I really don't remember the subject)

FF "Oh my... .are you asking about my feelings... .?"

FFw Having been through this before and being very familiar  ... .gets a madder look on her face... let's out a big sigh

FF  I keep pressing the issue, since she didn't respond  "Perhaps you didn't hear my question, are you asking about my feelings... .?"

FFw  now a bit triggered... ."No!"

FF  "Oh... ok" (in a fake friendly way)... .pause 5 or 10 seconds  Resumes normal conversation about a random other topic.  Completely friendly... .the events of a few seconds ago are completely forgotten.

There was another huge sigh and some grumpy noises before we went in to get the milkshake.



FF

[coworkerfriend]

FF - thank you.  I have trouble sorting myself out when I am immersed in the situation.  I feel like I let myself get sucked into the cycle so easily.   I tend to be very hard on myself - I blame myself for making things worse.  I want to move forward to a place where I am comfortable - whether he is there or not.  I do know as many times as he ends it with me - he is actually wanting me to end it.  I know that's why he pushes me.  He wants to push me so I end it and then a decision will be made.  He can say "poor me".  I have known him long enough to know how its been in the past.  When his head is in a better place, we do talk about this.  I have told him that I chose to stay with him -he says that no one should have to deal with his issues. 

I do try to have empathy for him but I think my empathy sometimes overshadows my need for boundaries so he doesn't dump on me.  I need better skills for coping when he begins to dysregulate.  I can see where some of what I say could feel very invalidating to him.  It makes the cycle worse. 

I stopped by this am to say good morning and see if he wanted to have breakfast.  I got to his house - he had the music on and was up drinking coffee and on his ipad.   He literally looked at me - turned off the music and went to bed.  I started to feel so angry - I couldn't help myself - and I didn't think I could I continue any type of conversation in a positive manner.  I said I was heading to the office for a while and I left. 

My energy is drained - I am angry this morning.  I am frustrated and tired and angry.  I am not sure why I have so much anger and why I am struggling to let it go.  I try to use SET - I try not to JADE - I try to validate him and not be invalidating.   I don't know whether I am coming or going - I think I have to take a step back and breathe. 

[coworkerfriend]

My anxiety is really off the charts at the moment.  He has called a few times but I missed the calls.   I don't want to have him continue to reject me - to blame me for all the bad things in his life.  I don't know why I am getting so anxious - but I am having a hard time.  I took a walk - did some errands but I can't shake it. 

[Grey Kitty]

First off, it really sounds like you are doing the right thing here, and it really did help.

It even sounds like you made it through the worst of an extinction burst, and both you and he are getting more used to you leaving when he starts launching into you.

As for your concerns about validating him... .try to put your energy into that at the times when he's more self-aware, apologetic, and is acknowledging that he lashes out at you/gets mad at you when it isn't something you did. There's a lot more to validate in there, than there is in the attacks!

My anxiety is really off the charts at the moment.

And owning that it is your anxiety is important--it is yours to deal with. Personally I fight depression, rather than anxiety, and it is really hard to cope with and hard to fight... .and while he may be doing something to trigger some of it, ultimately, they are YOUR feelings, and for you to own, accept, and deal with.

Try to remember that, and try to do whatever are your normal best practices for coping with anxiety.

[coworkerfriend]

Why do I keep circling back to Am I doing the right things?  We had a really good week until the end of the day yesterday.  It was a complete repeat of the last two Fridays - he is fine until the end of the day.  His anxiety was rising - I suggested a few things to try and distract him and it went downhill.  I was proactive -I had made plans to do some errands at the end of the day.  I said that I had some running around to do and that I would meet him for dinner at 7.   7 came and went - I called him twice to try and find out where he was.  He didn't answer.  I waited for him for an hour and then went home.   He called later and I had fallen asleep.  He knows when I go to bed and it feels like he waits until he knows I will be asleep to call so I can disappoint him.

I stopped by this am - I foolishly had hoped he would have shaken the bad mood.  Instead, he was ready to fight with me - saying all the same things he always does.  He asked me to leave since I was upsetting him and I did.  He immediately called and left a very angry message that I messed up and I should have stayed and tried to work it out with him.  Which for whatever reason, makes me second guess myself.  I start thinking if I just did this or that different, we would have had a different outcome. 

GK - I did take your advice and did spend time validating the positive things during the week.  I did feel like it was a positive experience for both of us until yesterday when it happened again. 

I have been working on coping with my anxiety - especially in the situations like this am.  I need to find better coping mechanisms. 

[Grey Kitty]

He left you an angry message telling you that you should have stayed, that you were wrong to leave.

And you are second guessing yourself after hearing it.

My take: you are giving too much weight to the wrong part of his message.

You are giving credence to his words, his judgements. This part is pure FOG.

You are trying to discount his anger directed at you.

Remember what the basic problem in your relationship with him is: Raging, abuse, and passive aggressive silent treatment (aka more abuse!)

The conflict is that you need to keep yourself safe from his abuse... .and you believe you should respect his words at the same time. It isn't possible to do both at once!

Your Friday started good. I commend you the end of day errand plan. In your shoes, I would have called him at 7 or when you were done with errands and confirmed dinner plans then... .you know when he is being evasive, and how that whole thing works... .give him one chance, then write the evening off at that point, knowing he will call after you are asleep and try to transfer blame for the missed dinner and evening onto you... .no need to pick it up.

And good work this morning. You did the right thing even if it felt unpleasant. Stayingvwould have been waaaaaaay worse, and you know it!

  keep it up. You are getting there!