The things I wasn't able to do

[Larmoyant]

This is very unlikely to be a BPD thing, but I just wanted to share.

I was seldom allowed to show affection. I’m not talking sexual, but spontaneous loving gestures. For example, going up behind him and putting my arms around him or sitting on his lap on a chair and snuggling up, kissing him on the cheek just because, tidy his hair, express my affection.  

He’d always push me away and was sometimes outright aggressive. We were on a flight once where I was listening to music and one of our songs came on. I put the headphones on his head for him to listen and he lashed out at me furious. Completely over the top telling me never do something like that again. I remember quietly tearing up. I remember missing being able to show my love and affection. Not being able to be me.

[lovenature]

It actually is a BPD thing; in a normal relationship you would receive kindness and comfort in return for your affection. A BPD relationship is the exact opposite of a normal (non disordered) relationship: the more you love them, the more they hurt you.

[Turkish]

Sounds like self-loathing, and you were the recipient. Certainly this is an intimacy killer and hurtful to the other partner, you. 

[Lalathegreat]

Oh this is interesting... .my pwBPD was hit or miss in the privacy of his home (sometimes he would allow my physical contact, sometimes not) but he almost NEVER allowed public displays of affection. He was obviously EXTREMELY uncomfortable holding hands, a touch on the shoulder or back, or any type of kiss aside from the most prefunctory peck on the cheek as a polite greeting whenever we were around other people. And then he would frequently accuse ME of being the one not willing to be affectionate in public. (Even if I had attempted to hold his hand or give a kiss and been rejected.)

Strangely, he was very physically affectionate with his 9 year old son - almost to the point of being a little "age inappropriate", but he also came from a culture that was much more inclusive and openly affectionate within the family dynamic. Because of this, I always wondered if he was embarassed to be with me because it seemed he COULD be physically affectionate, he just chose not to be with me.

Who knows. But I do know it was just one more way that he reinforced that he and his son were "a unit" and I was "that other person".

[lovenature]

Because of this, I always wondered if he was embarassed to be with me because it seemed he COULD be physically affectionate, he just chose not to be with me.

I would say he wasn't embarrassed to be with you, his fear of engulfment was triggered by becoming too close. Think about people who display lots of public affection, they clearly are comfortable with themselves and each other and don't care about what others think. The opposite occurs for a PWBPD: they feel shameful about themselves, fear abandonment from their partner (attachment), and really care what others think of them.

The more you care about a PWBPD, the more you get hurt. Don't ever forget who you really are.