I Thought I Could Do This

[toomanydogs]

I don't think I can hold anything together anymore. I feel so isolated right now. My BPD H, I believe, genuinely hates me. I don't think he will get better. If he wanted to get better, he'd have done it by now.

He asked me to come back to him a few years ago because he needed someone to take care of him. I agreed. He no longer wants anyone to take care of him, including himself.

He smiles snidely at me. Believe me, he hates me. He hates my family. He hates his family.

Please tell me how to stop thinking of him as evil incarnate.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zoaron]

I don't think I can hold anything together anymore. I feel so isolated right now. My BPD H, I believe, genuinely hates me. I don't think he will get better. If he wanted to get better, he'd have done it by now.

He asked me to come back to him a few years ago because he needed someone to take care of him. I agreed. He no longer wants anyone to take care of him, including himself.

He smiles snidely at me. Believe me, he hates me. He hates my family. He hates his family.

Please tell me how to stop thinking of him as evil incarnate.

This is a tough thing to think about. But, I think at this point, you may want to consider taking care of yourself first. Kind of goes with that old saying, don't try to love others until you love yourself. But in this case, you have to care for your emotional health first.  If he wants to you to care for him, then there needs to be boundaries, which is a common thing many of us learn here, I'm still learning myself.  But use these boundaries to protect your emotional health.  The boundaries option is a great tool cause sometimes it can show the other person that you want to help them, but they need to do their part as well.

[Karmajoy]

I am in the same situation. The hatred that oozes out of him day in and day out is something I don't think I can deal with. There's no joy and the hatred. Is relentlessly focused on me. It's as if it builds and. Holds unlike a child who throws a tantrum and then later gives you a hug. I recognize this from my borderline grandfather and father who eventually drove their wives insane and sick all the while smiling and acting normal with everyone else. I'd listen to my grandfather tell great stories and we'd all be laughing and there would be my grandmother wringing her hands and almost in tears. It's crazy making. Ehavior.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi toomany,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It can be very difficult to change the way we see our pwBPD. We often go through some pretty traumatizing experiences with them that leave us feeling hopeless and confused. That's what the improving board is for though--to help us begin to improve our relationship. These things take time.

I often remind myself that my H has a mental illness. Although he can control his behavior, I know that unless he gets help, he cannot control the way he thinks or feels. If my spouse had cancer, I would not hate him for it. To me, mental illness is the same. BPD was caused by things that were done to him.

Many of our spouses are in very dark places. They feel alone, helpless, scared, and are constantly worried about being rejected by us, their partner. They do not have communication skills to help them share their feelings with us. Part of learning the tools for ourselves is also to begin finding ways to help our partners communicate better with us.

Which one of the workshops have you started thinking about and trying to implement?