unaffectionate relationship

[lonelypeach]

I have an unaffectionate relationship semi new but increasing now that we live together. short background... .
We dated as teenagers in highschool. he left for college and our lives went in two different directions. He married and was married for 16 years of a 20 year relationship. I married 15 years of a 17 year relationship. Both of us married for the wrong reason... .giving our kids something we didn't have... .a nuclear family.(wrong only because it really didn't work out the way we planned) Of coarse both of us have been hurt but I believe he was more emotionally hurt than he wants to admit and I know it takes men twice as long to recover than women. 3 years ago we reconnected and maintained a long distance relationship for 1 year, short distance for 1 and now we live together! in his mind he's here in the same state, same house and that should be enough because I now have complete access to him. this was not a "pressured into" thing, we talked about moving in the same state and which state for the whole 3 years before is happened. during visits he was affectionate but now NOTHING! He don't touch me, kiss me, sleep with me, hardly have sex, hug me etc... .but I know he can b/c when I get angry over it he does it for a while and then it fades off again. he has said that he knows he's being selfish. he tells me to give him time but is that an excuse or does he really need more time or am I wasting my time? At the end of the day I don't want to be with anyone else he has mended my heart in so many other ways but the affection is my air in a relationship. I recently explained to him that I can not his ego and insecurities shut me down and make me insecure and want to run BUT I think its a normal thing. Do I continue to show him the affection I want and eat the frustration and hope that he learns to trust his emotions because he did take the plunge and we moved in after he said we would never live together, even though we talked about being in the same state at least, and now we do and he also said that I would never meet his kids and I have. Any advise would be welcome.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lonelypeach,

That sounds difficult for you and I can imagine you must be frustrated if this is a new situation in your r/s.  Was the affection consistently there throughout the rest of the r/s?  Can he give you a reason why this change has come about?  From what you are saying affection is a value to you, which makes it important.  Does your partner understand the importance to you and how you feel when this value isn't met?

You mention that he went against what he had said about moving in together.  What was his reason for saying that he wouldn't want to live together or for you to meet his kids?  This might give us some clues as these are pretty big shifts.

Love and light x 

[flourdust]

Hello and welcome! Do you believe your husband has BPD or BPD traits? Have you taken a look at some of the Lessons on the right side of the page here?