He called me a murderer..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My partner and I broke up recently because he hurt me physically for the 4th time. He has never hit me but pushed me, held me down, strangled me, not let me leave etc... I took him back and tried my best to understand the 'I didn't mean it I can't control it I promise' bull___. But yesterday I had an abortion... we both talked about it and decided we were not in the right space to have a new child etc... Right smack in the middle of my abortion he looks on my phone and sees something minor on facebook that he doesn't like so he continues to call me a slut, a ___, a heartless ___ etc... He told me im a ___ing murderer and he hopes this haunts me for the rest of my life... He said he hopes it hurts like hell and he said he wishes I would die... I kicked him out the next day and now he's saying he feels terrible and didnt mean any of it. I'm so confused and don't know what to believe...

[Coping64]

My partner and I broke up recently because he hurt me physically for the 4th time. He has never hit me but pushed me, held me down, strangled me, not let me leave etc... I took him back and tried my best to understand the 'I didn't mean it I can't control it I promise' bull___. But yesterday I had an abortion... we both talked about it and decided we were not in the right space to have a new child etc... Right smack in the middle of my abortion he looks on my phone and sees something minor on facebook that he doesn't like so he continues to call me a slut, a ___, a heartless ___ etc... He told me im a ___ing murderer and he hopes this haunts me for the rest of my life... He said he hopes it hurts like hell and he said he wishes I would die... I kicked him out the next day and now he's saying he feels terrible and didnt mean any of it. I'm so confused and don't know what to believe...

[DaddyBear77]

Hi AndreaG64 - I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

What is your current situation? Are you still living with this person? Are you able to be with friends and family to recover and have a safe place to be?

Please, first and foremost, please look after your safety.

~DB

[Lollypop]

Hi AndreaG64

Oh my dove I'm very sorry to hear this. I'd feel very confused too. Not only having the abortion which can really throw those hormones out then having to deal with such aggressive behaviour. You know, when we are highly emotional we don't see things very clearly, we cant always make good decisions.

Your boyfriend is feeling terrible about his behaviour. With respect, that's not your problem at the moment. He wants his immediate need to be met. His need is not your need.

Daddybear gives good advice. You need to take very good care of yourself.

Are you safe where you are?
If not, is there somewhere you can go?

LP

[Violettine]

He realizes you won't be tied to him for life with a child.
That abortion is your salvation in a weird way.

Hi AndreaG64

Oh my dove I'm very sorry to hear this. I'd feel very confused too. Not only having the abortion which can really throw those hormones out then having to deal with such aggressive behaviour. You know, when we are highly emotional we don't see things very clearly, we cant always make good decisions.

Your boyfriend is feeling terrible about his behaviour. With respect, that's not your problem at the moment. He wants his immediate need to be met. His need is not your need.

Daddybear gives good advice. You need to take very good care of yourself.

Are you safe where you are?
If not, is there somewhere you can go?

LP

[Harley Quinn]

Hi AndreaG64,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through right now.  An abortion is an extremely difficult experience in itself.  Everything else on top must make you feel extremely upset and it's no wonder you're confused.  Do you have friends or family you can turn to for comfort or a for a little break perhaps? 

I know you mentioned that you asked him to leave.  When my violent ex wasn't around I ventured to a local drop in with a domestic abuse support service at my GP practice.  I'm so glad I did, as I didn't feel like I was judged or anything, but was given lots of reassurance and helped to create a safety plan.  We talked about what I should plan for, what to avoid, how to remove myself from danger situations, where I could go and what to take with me.  The advice they gave me helped me a lot and it didn't take long.  Maybe you might consider doing something like this if he still isn't there with you, as he won't know.  Please take care of yourself and be safe.  Everything else is secondary to that. 

Do stay in touch.  We'd all like to know you're OK. 

Love and light x

[formflier]

   

I'm so sorry you had to hear that.

Are you asking what you should say to him in return?

I think now is a time for self care.  Love yourself, take care of yourself.  If you ever feel like speaking to him again, we can help you with the words.

That's up to you.  You don't owe him anything.

 
FF

[Waddams]

Whatever his mental issues are - they don't give him a free pass to hurt you when he's having moments where he's able to control his emotions.  It's his job to work on getting better at not losing control and addressing whatever his issues are, not your job to figure out how to handle dealing with his outbursts.

We all need to learn to set boundaries that don't allow people to abuse us. Sometimes the only boundary that works is to not to be around another person anymore.  Only you know the whole picture for your situation, it's impossible to convey the whole story on a forum (at least in my opinion), so all I can say is love yourself enough to protect yourself, set boundaries, and keep toxic influences out of your life, whatever that looks like for you.

I will say, though, that none of us should accept the "i'm sorry, i can't help myself, i can't control myself sometimes" or "it will never happen again" (then does over and over again) type of routines.  As I said above, their issues don't give them a free pass to hurt others.  Don't let him transfer to you the burden of thinking you have to "take it" because he can't do better.  You don't.  If he can't control himself, then he needs to be single so he can't hurt a partner.