Hi KtotheK,
You know something ... .I didn't know a thing about BPD before my last r/s with a long time friend who I reconnected with. One day about a few months into our r/s she came to me & told me she was raging at her kids & wanted my help to stop it. She told me she thought she had a mental health problem ... .I'm thinking she already knew but was "easing" me into it. Why do I think that? Because she told me she had been in & out of therapy for over 25 plus years with Ph.d's & Clinical Therapist ... .so yeah she knew.
I did some research based on our talks, experience, her behavior, etc. and I showed her the data & thought she might be bi-polar & that meds could help "manage" the condition. She immediately told me that her therapist told her she was BPD ... .so I looked up the definition and said I would agree with what they're telling you. Then I dove into BPD, read, researched, even mentioned it in therapy for my own PTSD & adjustment issues from my time in the military. I was told I had codependent tendencies and started to research & read on that too.
The more I learned about BPD, & through therapy looked back at my childhood I could see how my step mother, step sister, 1/2 brother all had 7or8 or all 9 symptoms. Long story short, without a Ph.d diagnosing each one of them I've gone with the fact that they are & my therapists agreed. Growing up in that environment shaped my behavior ... .but this is important ... .I can relearn NOT to be a codependent, a rescuer, a perfectionist ... .and did ... .and so can you. It's hard work ... .no one wants to look at how broken a parent is do they? I mean they're the person you are suppose to look up to & ask all for all the answers to life great & small. We don't want to look at them as imperfect much less someone who has a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness.
I did a review of my past r/s and really remember the 1st psycho woman I dated in my early 20's. It was confirmed by her father so I'm not just speculating. I went to meet her at her house & arrived early. Her father let me in the house & we had "That" talk. "What are your intentions of my daughter talk". I told him I could see us going along way. At which point in time he told me the "Family secret". He had committed her mother 1/2 dozen times to a mental ward over 30 plus years before she passed. He told me that her mother had been treated for a couple of severe behavioral problems over the years & the longest she had spent in the hospital was 6 weeks. That and the doctors told him it was most likely to be inherited via her DNA. He then told me that his daughter was starting to exhibit some of the same behavioral problems. He couldn't in good conscious let me go down the same path he did knowing what he knew. It took an incredible amount of personal strength & ethics to tell me the things he did and I respected him tremendously for it. We broke up a short time later when she as predicted started to behave in a negative way.
I tell you those things to help you & others who read this that your respective exBPDr/s
IS NOT YOUR FAULT~! It was only after my last encounter with my now exBPD, doing a deep dive with the help of my therapist that I learned that I had really been around it all my life. That I behaved in the manner I did due to the house that I grew up in ... .I sought out my happiness by making others happy only to realized that I was subconsciously attracted to the same type of broken people that I grew up with. I had to stop the madness if I was to see any happiness in my lifetime. I've come to learn that there were a lot of broken people in my past life ... .just because they didn't have an "official" diagnoses ... .with enough certainty you can look back and know deep inside you that ... .yeah they're a very broken person ... .regardless if they have BPD or some other Cluster Mental Illness.
I'm happy to hear that you're continuing to see a therapist ... .I don't know how old you are ... .not that it matters ... .but seeing a therapist is not going to make everything better over night ... .it'll take some time ... .AND how willing YOU are to facing your history as part of the healing process. Once you're an adult you have a lot of history to recover and repair the damage that you have grown up with.
I am slightly wondering what you are worried about when you said ... .
"I do find myself Hoping their r/s will end, more so for peace of mind for me that she does have BPD/ BPD traits." If their r/s ends would you want to try again? If so what has really changed in her behavior to make you want to do that or are you just missing the idealization? Because lets face it ... .subconsciously a NON loves the idealization, it's like a drug we're addicted too & can't get enough of ... .its roots back to our childhood looking for that attention, approval, caring & love we should have received from our parents and never did ... . To me
YOU are worried about
HER and
NOT YOU ... .
So ... .we can start a sub group here ... .I'll start it off ... .Hello ... .my name is J ... ."Everyone says HI J" ... . ... .my name is J and I'm addicted to idealization ... .lmao Remember that part in my last post ... .
GET YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR BACK ! You're correct KtotheK ... .the NON path to enlightenment is a bumpy & winding path full of pot holes ... .but that's what you have us here for right?
The important part is that you are reviewing your actions, your behavior, your thoughts and this is really important ... .
YOU are recognizing that
YOU need to take care of
YOU~! But getting there after a lifetime of taking care of someone else is hard modification for us to get done ... .it's hard ... .but
NOT IMPOSSIBLE ! And YOU know YOU have to make YOU happy ... .Congratulations for realizing this!
You're doing ok ... .SO tell us what you did for YOU today? Did you take that walk? Did you eat a salad for dinner? Did you laugh today? Did you call an old friend you haven't talked to in awhile & catch up? Did you watch the Sun come up? Did you listen to nature at anytime today? Did you plan your weekend with a friend or two to go to a comedy club? Maybe a day trip some where & catch up, have a good time? Did you listen to some fun music today & danced in your flat?
Your homework is to do at least one of those tomorrow and let us know which one you did? Remember baby steps ... .small baby steps forward ... .YOU got this & we got your back KtotheK
Here's a little funny 5 stages of recovery for you ... .you know ... .for that "Idealization addiction" you have ... .lmao
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrYJ
