Trapped, ashamed and lost

[Letloverule]

what do you do when you feel as if your SO wBPD has manipulated you?
One of my last posts was about my SO's birthday and how insanely exhausting it was. I didn't do anything right, I was raged at constantly and kept trying to persevere instead of giving up- by the end of it, SO said "just stop. the flowers were a disaster, your gift was juvenile, and you keep going... I just want this day to be over". She said "you really screwed up but so did I with my reactions." And that was that. I had got her a card and kept going back and forth on whether to give it to her- I decided not to because she wanted it to be all done.
Over the next 10 days- there have been ups and downs but nothing explosive. just annoyances that I've come to the accept and expect.
then last night- literally before bedtime- she said almost out of nowhere "i would have chosen my childhood birthdays where my addict parents forgot instead of what you did to me. You didn't even give me a card. I've been watching you over the last 10 days and left to your own devices, you didn't  even rectify anything."
her birthday was very emotionally draining for me. I made so many mistakes that hurt her. I admit that I too wanted it to be over. Because nothing was going right. So while I apologized at the time, once it was over- I did not come back around... .
I just feel like she trapped me... .but she is also correct about her observation.
It didn't matter to her when I told her that I did have a card and I was unsure.  But she doesn't care- she says that I justify my actions with her anger.

She feels as if I did not give two hoots about her during the one day out of the year that honors her. Instead I made her feel insignificant and worthless and she will never forget it.
And now I feel very ashamed and completely at a loss about what to do about it.

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[Gumiho]

That's what BPD does to us nons.

I don't know the whole thing happening there but it very very much sounds like Christmas 2015 to me.

The card. Why didn't you hand it over? (ofc sometimes you think you want to end it being accused... but is that what you really want?) What did you write in that card?

[Letloverule]

I had so much anxiety from the day- being screamed at, cut down, being told to get out of the house and stay out for hours, being called selfish, pathetic, insults... .
I didn't want one more thing being thrown back in my face. I laid the card out, then put it back in my bag, laid it out again when things felt calmer, then put it back in when things exploded again... .
I felt like a stupid child!
I wrote that I'm proud of her and the things she has been doing over the last year... going back to school etc. I told her that I'm grateful for her loving me. I wrote that although she may have a heavy heart, I sincerely wished her a happy birthday. It felt weird to write... .because I wrote it while she threw me out for the afternoon.
I'm now realizing that the card had more to do with me than with her and what the reaction would be for me... .

My SO is probably right. I'm not acting out of love... .only fear and self preservation. How does one not experience all of this as emotional trauma... .

[Gumiho]

I feel sorry you have to go through this, where her birthday was probably important to you even more than she would admit.
Judging on what you wrote, the card shown that you really love her, it's your anxiety that kept you from handing it over, which is by all means understandable.
You're afraid to trigger her on 'trigger happy day', because of previous experiences (we call that 'a burnt child' where I come from).

So how about doing something extraordinary instead (I read of something similar proposed in the previous thread)? Drag her out of her everyday and do something unexpected, like a travel to some foreign country or something?
I've got a hunch she won't find the time to get triggered.

=> by all means don't show her your anxiety, if possible

... and why would you think it was all about self preservation?

... .what about rewriting the card and hand it to her saying you were scared of her getting angry (the truth), and make it a 'coupon' for an escape of your everydays life?

[Neoptera]

I had so much anxiety from the day- being screamed at, cut down, being told to get out of the house and stay out for hours, being called selfish, pathetic, insults... .
I didn't want one more thing being thrown back in my face. I laid the card out, then put it back in my bag, laid it out again when things felt calmer, then put it back in when things exploded again... .
I felt like a stupid child!
I wrote that I'm proud of her and the things she has been doing over the last year... going back to school etc. I told her that I'm grateful for her loving me. I wrote that although she may have a heavy heart, I sincerely wished her a happy birthday. It felt weird to write... .because I wrote it while she threw me out for the afternoon.
I'm now realizing that the card had more to do with me than with her and what the reaction would be for me... .

My SO is probably right. I'm not acting out of love... .only fear and self preservation. How does one not experience all of this as emotional trauma... .

I know this cycle well. Whether it be a holiday, significant event, or something to celebrate (a success), it will almost always end poorly. Even when it does go alright, I know the other shoe will drop shortly - usually the next day.

I don't know how many times I have heard: "this is the worst (x) I have ever had."

I have learned that I have to detach myself from the idea that whatever occasion it is will be fun or relaxing. If it is their day, let them have it whatever way they would like. I do my part, provide opportunity, gifts, activities, whatever. If my SO doesn't want to take advantage of that then there is nothing I can do. I have gone on to "enjoy" many holidays on my own... .it's hard but part of the acceptance.

I proposed to her on top of a mountain (the first place we ever hiked together) with her dream engagement ring, and... .it wasn't good enough.

I know I did a really good job! I cannot let her change that reality for me no matter how hard she wants to.