just getting a few things off my chest

[vanx]

Forgive me for writing so much tonight. I guess I've had a lot stirring around and then I had to see my ex tonight for several hours, and I just need to get some things out.
Even though I have support, I feel so alone, because only I was there in the relationship--just me and her. It's up to me to cheer myself up and say "Hey, you prayed before bed each night to be a good man. You tried your best to be loving and gentle. You made some mistakes, but nothing to really drive away someone who truly likes you." But I don't always believe these positive things.
When she dumped me she told me she needed someone more emotionally stable. That really hurt. On one hand, I appreciated her honesty. Why did she date a heroin addict for so much longer than she was with me then? No offense to that guy--I don't know him. He could have been a great guy, but it's so emasculating... .that type of health issue was acceptable to her. Him needing her because of his addiction was okay, but me needing her affection was despicable.
I feel so alone at work because everyone loves her. I mean she is super charming and great to be around to everyone, but I feel so put down by her. It's embarrassing because I told my boss we dated and things didn't work out, and I had a hard time working with her, so I asked if we could not be scheduled together much. But there's no way of having her understand (not that explaining would be appropriate anyhow) that this was not a normal situation, that it's hard to be around her because a part of her hates my guts and no one else sees that side of her but me.

I want to understand the borderline false self better. Is part of the false self the sweet side of the person as well? It protects the feelings of emptiness--it meets needs by people pleasing? How does a pwBPD heal and find their authentic self? I've come to the conclusion that she did not love me based on my personal definition of that word, but it still baffles me if I fell in love with her, because now I get so much of the person pushing me away and invalidating me, that though it seems over-simplifying and unfair to say the person I met wasn't real, it is safe to say that the person I met was mercurial and has disappeared forever from me... .that's why it's still so strange to see that person before other people, and then I get this other person. It is so alienating.

I just don't know how to resolve it in myself. I guess it is something I won't understand or get over per se, but just have to accept that there is something amiss, and my best bet is to keep being kind to myself and others. As for her, I feel she is unkind to me but that it is not intentional or personal. It just hurts very, very much because she was so special to me. And it feels more personal because it is just me. No one else in our little circle has to bear the burden or have any awareness of it. It makes me feel a little insane... .remember that Twilight Zone episode where William Shatner saw the little gremlin on the airplane's wing?

I guess the good news is, since I can't get validation or understanding from her, and though I can get a little help from others, I'm up against a wall for once where I know the only person who can really help me is my own self. So here's saying: I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I am here for me. I am worthy. She is no longer part of my life, and she has no part of my future. I can't seem to resolve things with her or communicate the way I'd like to be treated, so it's time to demolish any power she has over me. Her abusive behavior reflects more about her than it does me. I do feel for her, but I am not responsible for her negative emotions, and I won't let them bring me down!

Thanks for the space to write this out. It's been a rough night and I was pretty dysregulated. I really needed to feel heard.

[heartandwhole]

Hi vanx,

Thank you for posting this. I'm so glad that you did. I can imagine how difficult it is to work with your ex, and I can relate very much to the fact that others just don't see what you have experienced (and are experiencing with her). That is so frustrating and hard to deal with.    I understand that you feel alone. This stuff is so hard.

When she dumped me she told me she needed someone more emotionally stable. That really hurt.

That would hurt me, too. And naturally, your mind will go over that and ruminate about what she meant, is it true, etc. Very normal. I think it's good that you were able to take the comment in, appreciate the honesty. If it hurt, there is something there that you may want to gently and compassionately look at. The comment may have touched an old hurt that has been with you a long time—a belief that you've taken on, which isn't the truth of who you are. Her comment likely reflects her beliefs about herself and her world much more than anything about you.

I feel she is unkind to me but that it is not intentional or personal. It just hurts very, very much because she was so special to me. And it feels more personal because it is just me. No one else in our little circle has to bear the burden or have any awareness of it. It makes me feel a little insane... .remember that Twilight Zone episode where William Shatner saw the little gremlin on the airplane's wing?

I do remember that episode! You've mentioned several times that you feel she is unkind to you. I can relate very much to that. It also sounds like you feel almost trapped, because you can't explain your discomfort in detail to your boss and colleagues, and they are just oblivious to how much pain this situation is eliciting in you. That's very tough. Are there any alternatives that you can think of that would alleviate this?

So here's saying: I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I am here for me. I am worthy. She is no longer part of my life, and she has no part of my future. I can't seem to resolve things with her or communicate the way I'd like to be treated, so it's time to demolish any power she has over me. Her abusive behavior reflects more about her than it does me. I do feel for her, but I am not responsible for her negative emotions, and I won't let them bring me down!

Right on, vanx! You really do deserve love and respect. You might not be able to get it from your ex., but you can give it to yourself by treating yourself as a cherished loved one. And you can get it from others who care about you and people you don't even know yet who will love you. 

heartandwhole

[vanx]

heartandwhole, thank you! I posted this at your encouragement, and even though it felt hard to articulate and organize, it helped me process. Thank you fir your feedback and kind words. I guess it is a win win situation if your job is to love yourself more.  .  Thanks for listening. As for your question about other ways to cope with feeling isolated, right now this is helping.

[panhead67]

Hi vanx,
I hear you,  and feel for you. i also have to work with my x on a rotation. Its terrible for me. I can get several weeks n/c and then he's right there in my face. The pain of realizing time is moving forward,  im moving forward... .and time will take care of itself,  hurts. I realize i long for the connection we had when i feel scared,  sick,  tired or lonely,  or when im having peaceful moments out in nature... ..  I never shared this closeness with anyone else. I don't understand many things, why did he fill this void? He is one man.
But thank u for what u said. I too am learning to be kind and validate my own feelings, the validation and support here is also very healing.  Keep up your self care. It helps me to move forward,  knowing you and others are achieving this. It brings hope.

[vanx]

panhead67,

Thank you for writing. It helps to get your support about the difficulty of having to work with the ex.
I get that longing too. It's interesting, I've been in love once before, but I was very young. To me, what I experienced with my pwBPD felt like finding that first love all over again after so long. I guess looking back, it happened much faster--too fast. Anyhow, I can still relate to how unique the connection felt. I think our exes fulfilled us because it's natural to long for closeness with another person, and the idealization felt, at least to me, like someone really liked me.
It's still a struggle, but I think the reward on the other side is being stronger and closer to finding the connection we seek and deserve.
It's okay to long though. I do too. When you connect with someone who is right for you, and as we continue our self care, I think things will make sense in time. Thank you so much for posting. We really are not alone.