Hi everyone,

I've just recently made the decision to divorce my uBPDw.  I've scheduled an appointment with my L to begin filing, and my dad has already (very generously) sent a very large retainer check.  There's no going back now.

I haven't told uBPDw yet, as suggested by the folks on the divorce boards.  However, I'm really struggling right now with the guilt about what's about to happen.

In particular:

• uBPDw has a rare chronic auto-immune disorder, which has really hit her hard during the past year or so.  Recently, she's had frequent fainting spells and her doctors have asked her not to drive.  (I have suspicions that at least some of these episodes are exaggerated for the sake of manipulating myself and others.  But she's definitely very sick.)  I am the source of her health insurance, I drive her around, I do most of the chores around the house, etc.  Without me, her life will become much more difficult.  In the past, she has equated me leaving her with throwing her on the streets or even killing her.
• I have many, many times throughout our relationship, promised that I would never leave.   She has told me that this promise is one of the main things keeping her in the relationship.  (She has a laundry list of things she can't stand about me.)  I hate breaking this promise.
• We have a 4-year-old son.  I think that I will try and get full custody, and I think I probably have a pretty good case.  Although I do about 90% of the parenting, she loves him dearly and I hate the idea of taking him away from her.

Since I made the decision, I frequently find myself switching back and forth between eagerness to be out of the relationship and the above feelings of guilt.  Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Thanks, Panda39!  This makes a lot of sense.

Update time... .

I was originally supposed to have an L appointment this past Friday.  However, uBPDw convinced me to schedule a vet appointment for some kittens we are fostering for a local animal rescue.  (She thinks they've developed some upper respiratory infection, although I think they look just fine.)  The times conflicted, so I rescheduled the L.  The next time they can see me is this coming Thursday... .  (Ironically, on the way to the vet appointment, uBPDw called asking for me to cancel and come home -- she wasn't feeling well and needed me.)

So I'm trying to wait as patiently as I possibly can to get the ball rolling on the divorce, all the while pretending that things are relatively okay with uBPDw so as not to tip her off.  (She's already threatened leaving out of state with S4 and charging me with abuse if she were to file first.  Lord knows how she'll retaliate.  I definitely want to have my ducks in a row first.)

Two nights ago, uBPDw woke me up around 3 am.  She wanted something to drink and to go outside and smoke.  I sleepily got her the drink, but declined to go outside with her.

She was livid.  When she got back inside, she proceeded to spend the next 45 minutes laying into me for not going with her.  Turning on the lights even though I was trying to sleep, threatening suicide, waking up S4, the whole nine yards.

Things finally calmed down and we got a few hours of sleep.  When we woke up around 7 am, uBPDw wanted immediately to resume the discussion/argument.  I asked for some quiet time first to make and eat breakfast.  (S4 had requested waffles and I was more than happy to oblige.)  She refused to give me this time, raging at me in plain view of S4 while I made breakfast.

After breakfast, uBPDw convinced me to come talk to her in the den while she smoked a bowl of weed.  After she laid into me for a while, I'd had enough and left the house.

I explored a few local parks near where I live and did some geocaching.  Then checked out a new restaurant and saw a movie I'd been meaning to see.  Some real 'me' things that I never get a chance to do with uBPDw.

At one point, I glanced at my phone and noticed that there was a notification saying that my phone had been located.  I suspected that uBPDw's dad was involved.  He is visiting right now and is vastly more tech-savvy than uBPDw.  (uBPDw later claimed that this was entirely her dad -- she wasn't even aware what he was doing until after he did it.)  I felt violated and turned off my phone.

I eventually went to my office to spend the night.  I got an email that uBPDw had transferred $600 out of my bank account and into hers.  I changed a bunch of my important passwords.

---

I went home this morning to find an extremely unhappy uBPDw.  Apparently, she considers me leaving S4 with her, her dad, and her stepmom "abuse" due to their various health problems.  (Ironically, she often threatens to fight for full custody of S4 in the event of a divorce, but yet she can't handle watching him with help for a single day due to her illness.)

It was a pretty tense morning.  uBPDw's dad -- who I've always had a good relationship with -- wants me gone and his been very cold.  I eventually drove uBPDw to a doctor's appointment.  One the return trip (2 hours), she raged at me the entire time over the events of yesterday.

She's convinced that her request for my company while she smoked in the middle of the night trumped my request for sleep.  Why?  Because she's sick.

She honestly told me that she expects my support 24/7.  I told her that I love her 24/7, but that I am human and need to sleep, eat, etc.  I can only do my best to support her.

I hate lying to her and pretending like things are going to be ok when I know that they're not.  Am I doing the right thing?

Your life is feces while she holds an emotional (and verbal) gun to your head whenever you don't cater to every single need of hers.  And you walk on eggshells regarding the filing?  Good God, man.  Don't waste another moment in filing before father tracks you via your phone at your lawyer's office and beats you to the filing... .from another jurisdiction.

Prof, how are things going?  Just checking in.

Hi Prof,

It sounds like you're proceeding carefully anf cautiously, which sounds like an intelligent choice, given some of the constraints you have right now.

I would think your dad would be appreciative of the care in selecting a lawyer.  Although I could understand the temptation to "go-go-GO!" and commence proceedings.

Do you have a long wait before the school year starts again?  How are you doing with maintaining your resolve  in the meantime?

Best,
Jim579

Hey, prof, how are you doing?