How to word final email?

[anna58]

This is terribly difficult. But my exBPD is emailing me about returning here for the summer. he is now 3000 miles away. I can't let him return to my small town; my therapist said he is returning for me. There is no other reason for him to come here.  It is destructive for me to be near him. Of course this is painful because I miss having contact with him; he was my closest friend here. Part of me would love him to be here so we could meet occasionally for coffee--I miss my friend. But, things would easily spiral out of control. I have worked hard these past 2 months to regain my life.

He has sent a few brief emails suggesting he will stay at an airbnb here and plans to come in a week. And has asked me to return his extra car key to him. Our only communication has been a few brief emails along these lines. But I need to tell him to stop, and that it's not a good idea for him to come here, that our relationship is over.

What is the best way to word that?--

"I agree with what you said recently, that our relationship was not very healthy. You know that I care about you and feel close to you. I respect you and would never compromise any confidences between us. This is painful and sad, yet, it is best for me that we don't see each other and that we each move on with our lives."

[earlyL]

Hi Anna,

I can understand your situation here, that does sound really unproductive to either of you for him to be that close. Can I ask who ended the relationship? It sounds like you have a good therapist, similar to mine, which I find gives me so much strength. Yay! What do you think his response will be to something like this - and how will you feel after that, what will be the next step, or do you expect silent treatment?

EL

[once removed]

hi Anna,

can you share or summarize the most recent communication between the two of you? i think that will help.

it may be a little late to tell him not to come there (your note doesnt directly say that though) and he may not listen anyway. in any event, id put the emphasis on the fact that you are exiting any present communication and shutting the door on future communication.

the tone is great. im not positive the message you are trying to convey comes across.

1. i might leave out the line about the relationship not being healthy. i suspect he is likely to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)

2. i wouldnt say "i feel close to you". its not the message you want to come across, and it may be received as a mixed message.

[anna58]

Very helpful feedback.
He has difficulty traveling and often doesn't make the trip until a month or more after he has planned, if at all.

But he has said he wants to come and so my job is just to say that I can't see him if he does come here. It is up to him whether he comes to town.

Last communication... .all emails  very brief one liners from me and from him.
He asked if I could return his car key and can opener. I said I'd give it to our friend here. He implied I could give it to him in person. I agreed (unfortunately).
He said he'd stay at expensive airbnb. I didn't respond.

I have no idea what to include in this kind of email. It is so hard to write ! Do I say anything about the relationship or why I need to cut it off or that I wish him well?

I could write :

It is difficult to say this,  but after much thought, it is better for me that we don't see each other. I will mail the car key and can opener if you send me your address.

[once removed]

It is difficult to say this,  but after much thought, it is better for me that we don't see each other. I will mail the car key and can opener if you send me your address.

 

i think that suits the circumstances and says it all. let us know how it goes and keep us posted.

alternatively, you might say "After some thought, I would prefer to mail the car key and can opener if you send me you address."

[anna58]

Thank you. This is so helpful.

But... .just received an email from him and I am scared. He said he may be delayed in arriving and if the house sitting place doesn't work out he plans to rent an apt in my complex.

I feel terrible that I didn't stop this sooner and gave mixed messages by responding to his emails in slightly positive ways ... .that I'd keep my eyes open for apts. Though I haven't done it and we barely communicate.

He knows I don't want him in my apt complex  and is now saying he might need to be. This is serious.

I feel badly because I am coming in so late... .only saying now that I don't want him here at all.

[once removed]

i think its better late than never, and your message will communicate its intent, and do all that is in your control. its possible that this was his goal.

[Dutched]

Anna58
Hopefully not to late with my response.

Use the B.I.F.F. method => Brief  Informative  Firm  Friendly. 

Nothing about you, nothing about your feelings, nothing personally.
Stick to the subject => keys / can opener

something like

I can’t meet you in person and it is better not to.
As earlier agreed I handed over your keys and can opener to X (friend)
X (friend) knows you will pick them up.
I wish you a nice stay and all the best in your future.
regards Anna58

[anna58]

Once Removed: I am not sure what you mean that " it is possible this was his goal". Do you mean for me to feel guilty or to reject him?

Dutched: The BIFF method is great; that's new to me. I like it.

Here is what therapist recommended. What do you think? She knows that he is Narc and BPD and also a mixture of serious trauma, ptsd/ocd, depression, and other executive function issues, a very high IQ, seeking a mother and unable to find his own life/home, unable to work a regular job but sold a film script he wrote to a Hollywood producer. You get my point.

"This is hard for me to say, but it is best for me if we don't see each other. I have serious health issues and have to focus on myself and a stress free life. I cannot go back, though we had good times. I hope you are doing well.
I can mail your the key and can opener if you give me the address."

[anna58]

Oh, no. He just sent another email and I now realize I have to stop reading them. We are both friends with a couple here. They have written him to say bluntly that he needs to find a place to live and they can't do it for him. They were quite blunt.

He wrote back to them and copied me---much emotion about how sad he is, etc. But mostly he feels this couple and I have been talking about him (which we haven't lately) and he feels that is a violation. He now doesn't feel safe coming here, etc.   

This is all very disturbing.

I assume the sooner I send my email the better. It is just so difficult, knowing the pain he is in. And of course I miss him, but I don't miss the drama or compromising myself.  Why is this so difficult? Is there no way to make this ok? It will hurt him more. But I know I can't let him hurt me. And if I go part-way, he will take advantage.

He is saying that I am the only family he has had in the years we have been together and this is what he wants. He has not heard me that I don't feel in a relationship with him. Because, we have been in one. But he never agreed to be. So I protected myself and assumed we weren't in one, even though acted like we were. What a mess that I let happen, and so feel guilty.

He wants to live together and be closer. I have kept him at bay but not been direct enough. ___.

[Dutched]

Anna58

A 2 months out after an intense r/s is not that long so all kind of emotions are still there.
From being hurt, knowing it was toxic, till thinking about the good times, a rollercoaster.

I see in your posts arguments how concerned you are about his situation, his feelings, his breakdown, his loneliness, you his only family, etc. 
Are you responsible for him, or the situation he is in?

On the contrary I see few arguments thinking about yourself.
Somewhere you express
‘it is destructive for me to be near him’, and
‘I regained my life’,
‘it is better for me that we don’t see each other’
So you know

I am going to be very blunt, NOT to offend you!

If you want to be in a r/s with him, I suggest read and learn a lot on this Board, there are a lot of tools and very good members who are willing to help. 
For now:
Taking the bait he throws will give him what he wants.
Taking the bait he throws will be destructive to you (that’s what you already said yourself)

Don’t respond to the message he sent to your friends, that gives him what he wants.
Leave your friends out!

Onceremoved  mentioned JADE ( justify, argue, defend, explain)

What I see in the texts you want to sent him, is exactly that.
What I see to ‘defend’ yourself in your suggested mail, is exactly that.
That will give him all he needs to keep arguing, to make you feel sorry, to make you giving it another try.
 
I suggested BIFF.   It is non confrontational, it is not giving him any ammo to argue with you

[Harley Quinn]

Hi anna58,

I did a LOT of reading before sending my last message.  I learned it had to be CLEAR, DIRECT, CONCISE, contain NO insinuations that would create any possibility of him holding out hope, NO feelings of love/care, had to be kind, validate, say what I want, that it's a positive for both parties and wish him well.

It went like this:

XXXX, we both know it is over between us.  It's not a good idea for us to keep in contact.  I know this is hard and I'm sorry.  We both need to get on with our lives, heal and get better.  I want my son back and want you to respect that.  Please don't contact me now.  It is for the best for both of us.  You need to do the therapy and [DV perpetrator program] before getting into a relationship.  Look after yourself.

You need to do the therapy and [DV perpetrator program] before getting into a relationship.  This was my Florence Nightingale complex in action and soothed me in the process.

It worked.  I received a very heartfelt acceptance voice message shortly afterwards and have had only a couple of texts since - one just to say he was thinking of me and understood.  One request for help.  Nothing at all from 8 weeks ago.  I never replied to anything from the point of the above. 

So in your case I'd suggest you physically take the things he requested immediately to the friend and explain that you no longer wish to have any contact with your ex so that the friend is clear on this and can't inadvertently relay anything or create a situation for you.  Then send your email and follow the advice you've had. 

In my opinion, I would NOT ask for his address, as this could seem like you are maintaining a link.  You don't want to come across as interested in any way about what he is now doing in his life, including his whereabouts.  How about doing a final draft on here before you send?

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

PS What I meant to add was that perhaps the mutual friend would be willing to send the items to him so that you have no involvement?

Just a thought.

Love and light x