Adult who was raised by a mentally ill mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone!
My first time here and hoping to find some support.  As with many, my story could fit into a book.  I have a family of my own now (one teenager).  I'll try to consolidate my dilemma.
*One minute my mother tells me that my life is perfect, the next I'm a terrible mom to her grandchild, how I must think I'm better than everyone, and how my entire extended family hates me... .
*I can't say a single word back to her because of my extreme fear of her committing suicide.  She blames her past suicide attempts on family members.
*She has literally destroyed all of my relationships with anyone we both know through use of lies and manipulation.  Yes, I've tried reaching out to these people but nobody seems to believe me or want to be involved. 
*Why haven't I cut her off?  Because I'm afraid she'll kill herself.  I know she would at least attempt to kill herself to get back at me.  My family would also blame me.  They think so poorly of me based on my mom's "interpretations" of our arguements.
*My stepfather (the 4th one) is a wreck and begging me to call her after our last argument.
*Shame, guilt, fear, lack of trust, and a lot of anger toward my mother are just a few things I'm dealing with.  My coping skill is pushing it away and trying to live my life with people who don't know anyone in my family.
Can anyone relate?  How do you keep going with the inconsistency of the mentally ill person?  I feel fake and unhappy whenever I'm around her.  I also feel so much anger at her for stealing my chance at a mother/daughter relationship.  I wish I could just have a mom.

[Aleea]

Hi everyone!
My first time here and hoping to find some support.  As with many, my story could fit into a book.  I have a family of my own now (one teenager).  I'll try to consolidate my dilemma.
*One minute my mother tells me that my life is perfect, the next I'm a terrible mom to her grandchild, how I must think I'm better than everyone, and how my entire extended family hates me... .
*I can't say a single word back to her because of my extreme fear of her committing suicide.  She blames her past suicide attempts on family members.
*She has literally destroyed all of my relationships with anyone we both know through use of lies and manipulation.  Yes, I've tried reaching out to these people but nobody seems to believe me or want to be involved. 
*Why haven't I cut her off?  Because I'm afraid she'll kill herself.  I know she would at least attempt to kill herself to get back at me.  My family would also blame me.  They think so poorly of me based on my mom's "interpretations" of our arguements.
*My stepfather (the 4th one) is a wreck and begging me to call her after our last argument.
*Shame, guilt, fear, lack of trust, and a lot of anger toward my mother are just a few things I'm dealing with.  My coping skill is pushing it away and trying to live my life with people who don't know anyone in my family.
Can anyone relate?  How do you keep going with the inconsistency of the mentally ill person?  I feel fake and unhappy whenever I'm around her.  I also feel so much anger at her for stealing my chance at a mother/daughter relationship.  I wish I could just have a mom.

[Aleea]

Hi,
I wanted to add one more question to my above post.  I've been to counselors in the past.  Honestly, I leave drained and feeling worse than before I went.  I feel like the counselors I've been to are shocked when they hear my story.  They have no idea how to help me and just reflect back what I'm telling them.  An example is:  I will tell the counselor that I have a fear of my mom trying to kill herself again.  Their response:  It sounds like you feel overwhelmed and afraid to confront your mother because you're afraid she will hurt herself... .  Ummm, yes, that's what I just said!  No offense to people who use this technique or respond to it!  It just doesn't work for me.  I don't need people repeating back to me what I say, it's just frustrating.  I also don't want someone who appears to feel sorry for me.  I get that they are trying to be empathetic but I need tools, not their pity.  I already know what I've been through is bad. Am I alone in this?  Does anyone have suggestions for specific therapeutic techniques that are helpful?  How to find someone who specializes in adult children of BPD?  I've looked everywhere on line and can only find people who work with the BPD, not the adult children.  Any help is appreciated.  Thanks so much!

[Kwamina]

Hi Aleea

Does anyone have suggestions for specific therapeutic techniques that are helpful?  How to find someone who specializes in adult children of BPD?  I've looked everywhere on line and can only find people who work with the BPD, not the adult children.

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with things such as depression and anxiety in their adult lives. Living with a BPD parent can be very traumatic and as a result many of our members have found themselves dealing with (c)PTSD symptoms. Considering your mother's extreme behaviors, I can imagine this could also have left you traumatized. We have a thread here about dealing with trauma that you might find helpful. In the thread we discuss emotional flashbacks, PTSD and complex PTSD and also tools that can help you manage this such as Pete Walker's steps for managing emotional flashbacks:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

Your mother does not only have thoughts of suicide, but unfortunately has actually made several suicide attempts. I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you as her daughter and can definitely understand your current fear that she might do it again. Has your mother ever gotten any kind of long-term help for her issues? Did she perhaps get targeted treatment/therapy after her past suicide attempts?

[Aleea]

Thank you!  I will definitely check out the thread!  Yes, my mom has received therapy ever since I remember.  She's been on everything from Prozac to Lithium over the years.  She has a psychiatrist but she's so manipulative and appears so normal to others that I question if they know how truly ill she is.  After she attempted suicide while I was in college I was so angry at her for being so selfish.  She told me her psychiatrist said she was fine and that I clearly had a problem, that I was insensitive, and had no feelings... .  I doubt that was how the conversation really went but I believe she spins everything when she talks to others.  She was hospitalized after each suicide attempt but left as soon as she could.  She told me that the people in there were crazy and she didn't belong in that environment.  She said that she's completely normal compared to the awful things she saw while in the hospitals.  So, she understands that she has a mental illness but also denies the severity if that makes sense.  Thank you again for responding!  I'll check out the PTSD threads. .

[Harri]

Hi Aleea and welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences with your mother.  Suicide is very difficult to deal (yes, I am stating the obvious to you but I just want you to know that I get it).  My mother used to say she wanted to die, but it was mostly my father who talked about it with me.  I never had to deal with actual attempts though.  I can only imagine how frightening, scary and frustrating they must be to deal with.

I wanted to add one more question to my above post.  I've been to counselors in the past.  Honestly, I leave drained and feeling worse than before I went.

I wanted to comment on this part.  Therapy is not supposed to be a feel good sort of place or thing, not if you are trying to work on your own issues and change behaviors and thought patterns.  I started therapy again about a year ago and I still feel worse than when I started going.  I don't mean that things have not improvd for me though.  My anxiety, episodes of dissociation, panic attacks, etc have all decreased dramatically but things did get worse before they got better.

I used to tell my T that as much as I wanted to be there, there was also a lot of kicking and screaming about it going on in my own head before each session.  It gets better.

Now, what you said about Ts being shocked with your story, if they are qualified and trained in working with trauma patients and people with more pervasive abuse that happened through their lifetime, they should be able to hear your story and not be shocked.  Have you ever asked what they are thinking when you see their shocked expression?  Or asked them to do more than just reflect back what you said?  I would be frustrated with that too.  I've also had Ts who could not handle certain parts of my story and they either denied it or took it personally.  I seem to do better when talking with psychologists rather than clinical social workers, at least when I am working on the deep issues.  More surface stuff or getting help through certain life events seems okay with a SW, but anything else?  I am not so sure.  Maybe I was just unlucky with some of the ones I saw though.

[Aleea]

Thanks Harri!
It's good to know that it gets better!  I went to a college counselor when I was in school and she just said "oh my god" after everything I told her.  She ended up crying during the session.  I also tried an Employee Assistance Program counselor and she was the one who repeated everything I said. It sounds like I need to find a psychologist who specializes in all of this. I think the counseling bothered me because until I went, I thought I was normal.  It's all I knew growing up and I felt a bit defensive with these people making me feel like my life was so horrible, awful, and deserving of pity... .  It was like they were validating how different I was from other people.  Blending in was always a strength for me.  I'm amazed after looking over the PTSD boards.  I would have never thought that I could have PTSD!  But, I definitely related to a lot of the symptoms.  I have very limited memories of my childhood.  There are even high school friends who will reminisce and I have absolutely no memories of what they are talking about.  I play along of course.  There was no father, just a string of step fathers.  My biological father's family was in my life but rejected the idea that I was related to them... .  I guess it all sounds bad but it was my normal and what I was dealt.  Now I just want the anxiety, bad dreams, and oversensitivity to go away! I appreciate this this site.  It's a lifesaver! .

[Kwamina]

Hi again Aleea

What you describe in your last post is something I, and I think many others, can definitely relate to. When you grow up with a disordered parent, that life often is all you know. You might not like everything about that life, might even find it very unpleasant, yet still it is all you know and are used to so in a way it actually was normal. It was your normal daily experience. Only as an outsider looking in is it really possible to determine whether it was 'normal' or not. It sounds like that is what's going on with you now. As you learn and read more, you are starting to look at your childhood, family and yourself with 'new eyes' so to speak. This new and clearer picture of reality can be quite overwhelming and also uncomfortable. That's why I am glad to see you join here as many of our members know what it's like to be raised by a BPD parent and to embark on this journey of healing and self-discovery.

It can take time finding a right therapist. Someone with (extensive) knowledge of BPD and (c)PTSD would likely be able to offer you the best support and advice.